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Pie Bixee 
| 


FOOL OF A HUSBAND 


AUGUST BERKELEY, 


(Rev. S. A. Gardner,) 


‘*O wad some power the giftie gie us 
To see oursels as others see us.’’ 
Burns. 


ILLUSTRATIONS BY TRUE WILLIAMS, - 


| ‘HARTFORD, CONN. : 
AMERICAN PUBLISHING COMPANY, 
1891. 











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INTRODUCTION BY THE AUTHOR'S WIFE. 


FTER my husband’s return from his long stay in Massachu- 

setts, it became my one great desire to keep him at home 

for the rest of his life; and for this purpose I suggested his 
writing a book, his autobiography. 

In complying with my request, he made me promise that, if I 
was alive when his work was completed, I would write the 
preface. I never should have agreed to this, had I thought he 
would finish the task during my natural life; but, after working 
: day and night with his usual energy, he has brought the work 
to a close in an astonishingly brief period. 

If the rest of the world becomes half as enthusiastic over the 
_ reading as he has been over the writing, there will not be enough 
printing-presses in existence to supply the demand. However, 
since I have reviewed his production, I am bound to confess that 
his enthusiasm is not altogether misplaced. 

I am very, very proud of him, notwithstanding he has written 
some things which I sincerely wish had been left out. 

His pen-and-ink treatment of myself is doubtless sincere— 
would that I could say truthful—but I fear his affectionate heart 
has, in some instances, blinded his more critical judgment toward 
my numerous short-comings. I have felt it my duty to erase a 
- few hundred of the endearing terms he had generously applied 
to me, realizing that, while I myself enjoy them so exceedingly 
_ in our private life, the disinterested public might fail to appreciate 


(v) 


vi INTRODUCTION. 


I feel that he has not done full justice to his own character, for | “€ is 
he has selected for publication many of the most ridiculous— i 
episodes, though doubtless they appear to him, and perhaps may _ 7a 
be considered by the reader, to have been exceedingly trying 


events in his career. I am certain that if I were to publish 
what might be said concerning Mr. Berkeley, it would take a 
larger volume than his to hold the words that should depict 
the other side of his life.’ But, in making the selection of these 
peculiar experiences, Mr. Berkeley has had an object, namely: to 
teach the great lesson that empulsiveness is a terrible foe, which, 
if allowed its sway, is liable to lead one into all manner of 
excesses and difficulties. 

I will not undertake to apologize for this very inadequate 
preface, for probably the book which my husband now offers to 
his numerous friends will so completely usurp their attention that 
no person will ever know whether this, my small contribution to 
the work, is good or bad. Nor do I wish, even if it were in my 
power, to detract one moment’s attention from the worthy maa 
whom I greatly honor for his brilliant success, and whom I love 
with my whole heart’s affection, and shall ever thus love. 

Mrs. Aucusta BERKELEY. 














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3 CHAPTER X 





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Vill CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER XIV. 


ENTERING Sociery, : : ay a 4 
CHAPTER XY. 

MiscHiEvous SNUFF, . ; ; : 4 ; 
CHAPTER XVI. 

A SuMMER EXcURSION, . 


CHAPTER XVII. 
THE Funny CoLuMny, > g , é 
CHAPTER XVIII. 
Our First AFFLICTION, : : 
CHAPTER XIX. 
A FIGHT wITH A GHOST, . : : ; . 


CHAPTER XX. 
A FAMILY JAR, . 


CHAPTER XXI, 

A CAsE oF MISTAKEN IDENTITY, : é - 
CHAPTER XXII 

My Moruer-in-Law, . : ; ; : 3 


CHAPTER XXIII, 


JEWELL’S MoTHEr-In-LAw, : : oe 


CHAPTER XXIV. 
DISTURBING A MEETING, . ; ; ; s 


CHAPTER XXYV. 
A New VARIETY oF Fow1, ; ; : ; 
CHAPTER XXVI. 
‘Tue Bureau oF VITAL STATISTICS,.  .  . 
CHAPTER XXVIII. 
PoLiItics AND REPENTANCE, j ; : ; 
CHAPTER XXVIII, 
How AN ANGEL was Foouen, . : 
CHAPTER XXTX, 
LirE INSURANCE AND DEATH, ; 
: CHAPTER XXX. 
How I Losr A GOVERNMENT APPOINTMENT, . 
CHAPTER XXXI. 
Tur VICTORY OF THE WOMEN, . 


. 262° 


© 212 


>. 292 


. 826 





~DoaerE DARLING, 


J USTICE aT LAST, : 


CONTENTS. 


BARA tI, 


CHAPTER I. 
AN AMBITION GRATIFIED, 


CHAPTER IL 


_I Do Some Goon, 


CHAPTER II. 


_A ScHEME, 
CHAPTER Iv. 
MIcE IN THE PLOT, : . ; 
CHAPTER Y. 
In JAIL, ; ; ; ; 
CHAPTER VI. 


THE FURIES, : : : : 
CHAPTER VIL. 
A PorntT GAINED, 


‘HUnTGIL1, =e ean es a 
CHAPTER IX. 

THAT Horrip NAME, . x ; : 
CHAPTER X. 

CauGHT AT LAST, ; : : ; 
CHAPTER XI. 

THe UNGUARDED Hovr, ; ; 
CHAPTER XII. 


Lov Cra’s CONUNDRUMS, f 2 
CHAPTER XIIL 


- Pur Yourseir in My Prace, 
CHAPTER XIV. 


CHAPTER XV. 
A LAWYER’s REMINISCENCES, 

. CHAPTER XV I. 
LiFe’s CHANGES, . 


CHAPTER XVII. 


Ie GnIs FaTvus EMOTIONS, . 


CHAPTER XVIIL 


CHAPTER VIIL 


| CHAPTER XIX. 
A GRAND CONCLUSION, . S $ 





LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. 


AvGUSTA AND I,. " ; 
GETTING A LICENSE, . ° 


IMPORTUNITY, : ‘= 7 
IRRITATED, . . - fi 
A SURPRISE, é 7 : 
Harry THouGuHt, : 
DISAPPOINTMENT, ‘ ‘ 
In THE VESTIBULE, . : 
JACK, . 3 : F 
~A Pretty Coat, é : 
INDIGNATION, : : ° 
THE FINAL SCENE, . - 
A Hasty Towrr, .. . 
TAKING A HAND, . : é 


UsELESs ARGUMENT, . x 
THE STATION AGENT, . . 
SHE MisseD SOMETHING, . 
THE TELEGRAM, . ° < 
REUNITED, . : 
THE GREAT Gai minknion, 
PART OF THE PROGRAMME, . 
THE PROMISE, : 

AN UNGRATEFUL he recs 
A New VENTURE, . . 
Tuer RESULT, . ‘ bs 
Tur RESCUER, ‘ 2 e 
‘“‘Homng, SWEET Homes,” ,. 
Tur ELoQuENT CLERK, . 
‘‘A Deposit PLEASE,” , 
A SwHarP BARGAIN, . $ 
FACING THE STORM, . ° 


A Heroic STRUGGLE, 5 


TRYING THE ARTICLE, : 
Me VENT-HOLE; 3 = oo 


| A Nice Frx, : ‘ ’ 


PAGE. 


(Full — Sessa 


(Full Page) 


(Full Page) 


(xi) 


21 


Go WH W 0 
dH oO 29 


Co Ot 


a ®@ 
Oo 


~ EXPERIMENTING, ; : : - ° ° : ‘ . . 144 


Xi LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS, 


Page. 
OWHAT ARE THESE? 29 pe oak re ee ee 
A Water VIEw, BER Ben gee ate Phas anal Geena eae i ie 
ALONE, . : i ; : : Ga Oho . ss : BY fo : 
SMELLING BMOKI, Cre tN eo Nee he ls Gan ee 
AWAKENING THE WIpow, . Ce aigoue ee ‘ ; ‘ 80 


A BARRICADE,  . : n is 2 Z ; : i £81 


ASSAULT AND BATTERY, . Fi, ae ‘ . 3 ; 83 
CHRISTINE, . : 4 : ° ° e ° : ; < OF 
EXPRESS CHARGES, . Ei ‘ ° 3 : : , Shea. 
Rey. SHEPARDSKIN, . eee ° . : ‘ . 92 
Tue SEARCH, , ; ‘ ° ° Pie tg a ; E . 94. 
How It Was Dong, . j - e ‘ Ps : Nae as . 95 
THE DELIVERY, . . 3 > ‘ ° : 5 é . 96 
A PasToRAL CALL, . : ; : hie afi es ‘ ! . 98 
Too Mucu MEDICINE, é ° , 5 é : A . 100 
THE TEMPERANCE COMMITTEE, . ° ° ° ° P . 101 
BEHIND THE Door, . ~ 5 e e Piprae eb 5 102 
AFTER THE STORM, . : : ° : 4 5 i . 104 
‘““Watco Mr Now!” . : : ‘ Ss 5 ; . 106 
SatuRDAY Nigut BATH, . ; “ . gh a ; 107 


SHE NEEDED THE PEDDLER, . ‘ A : a ‘ . 108 
ARTISTIC WORK, . ‘ : : : ° 2 ;. E o SAO 
RED WITH WRATH, . ; * s Ps . i : 
THe SADDEST Man In New YORK,. 4. 6 « «6 » Bile Se 3 


AROUSING THE INMATES, . s s ; : ‘ ‘| 112 ne 
CAUGHT IN THE ACT, ; . ae e Luar tre ; . 114 ; 
Mrs. BERKELEY RELIEVED, A ° . ° ° ° ‘ . 115 

BUSINESS IN THE KITCHEN, i ° ° ° e : ‘ UTES 
‘““THERE’S Two or “EM!” . : : . 4 ; ‘ : . 122 

No. — BLEEKER STREET,. : i ° ° ‘ 2 « ABE 

GoInG ON A MISSION, . ; s ° ° ° ° ¢ x © 127 

Srrivine FoR New LIFEs, . ° : ‘ a A < f . 128 

‘‘T,00K) HERE!” ©. : : ; eink Nebeditg see iat : pe e354 

His Own SwEET WILL, . , . e ° F ; : <T84< 

THe LATEST TRICK, . : Ps ° ; ° ‘ ‘ ; 1385 
AuGustTa’s RECEPTION, Z ° - ° e “ 3 4 Sat 

CoALS OF FIRE, .. ¥ e ‘ : ° “ : a . 188 

GHDTING Rip OF “A BORDEN, | 70505 co eersleh (eek tas ey alee 

Gorne To His Lone Homes, ; a ; ° ; . : . 140 

NigHt WORK, . : : A ‘ : P : ; ‘ . 142 ‘ 


Ham HuUNTERS, . : : ° ° ‘ 5 ; 5 Re. 
A Routinep Bonnet, . : Sele, hes arg a (ELL ae pos . 148 ts 
“THe Divit IN TH’ ATGs,” . ° eats ; i : 
HER OPPORTUNITY, . ij : ° ‘ : ‘ Be Ro > 155 
Dortne ITs WORK, oars . . ’ ; : , 3 . 157 





LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. xiii 


PREPARING FOR. COLIC, ‘ 3 ‘ si : x i : . 161 


THERE I Was, .. f 3 ‘ 7 5 ; : . 168 
Miss SLIMPSKITE, - A 7 * : ‘ “ : : . 164 
Happy MoMEntTs, "| 3 A : : ; ; ; : . 165 
EXTREMES MEET, -. “ ; a : : : < ‘ . 166 
mou sAve A COLD?! <6.) ull Pape): 2 >. 168 
A Provup Man, . . 4 : : ; 3 - ; : . 170 
RM eT IU TTC UT OCS UGS pte Se ee Fis . 173 
A DiIstTURBED is Gem oaa : > ; ; 3 . : me of ls" 
“AMEN!” = ; ; 5 . ; é . 1%6 
OVER THE Aipvar WaALz,’ ‘ . . A é F 5 . 179 
A TRAMP ACT, . ‘ ; : P : j ; : . 180 
SHowine THEM How,  .. ‘ ‘ 5 (Full Page,) . . 184 
A CHILp’s Toy, . . = ; : ; - : . 186 
- CHANGING PLACES, . : ‘ ; F ; . ‘ . 187 
SALT AND ALCOHOL, . : ‘ : ; , 5 ; . 188 
Domne THEIR LEVEL BEst, P 4 ; 7 K 3 ; . 189 
STRANDED, . : : j ; : 5 . é ‘ 491 
TAKING AN Levenroy : ; ; 2 ; = ‘ d . 192 
THe Lost Founn, : 2 : 4 A : F . 198 
Up THe RIvER, . : ; : ‘ : Sesh i . . 202 
Domestic DuTIES, . : . F : ‘ ‘ ‘ ; . 203 
“Wait a MrinutTse!” . ? 3 S 5 ‘ 3 . 204 
A Goop SHoT, . : x : : : : ‘ = . 205 
At THE CAPTAIN’S ‘Ounce, “ ‘ . - ‘ : y . 206 
BEHIND THE BARS, . ‘ A 4 2 : ‘ ‘ : . 208 
A Pie RACKET, .. . é ‘ ° ° ° ° ; ; . 211 
Bie Insun, . 4 : : 2 : S 5 . : ; . 215 
Frisky FrRocs, . m é _ R ‘ . ; eet 
With CreEAM GRAVY, ‘ 4 é é ‘ ‘. 3 é . 220 
BERKELEY'S CREAMERY, . ; 7 ‘ ‘ A ‘ ‘ . 222 
A DiIscIiPLE OF TANNER, . : ; ; ‘ ‘ : - . 224 
SISTING: FIG IGNIRY, <2 fo crco a) oy, ate en we ees hy BOR 
On A COLLECTING TouR, . . 5 ; 2 . ‘ ; » 227 
A Warm RECEPTION, : ; ; ‘ a ‘ : ; . 229 
A DILEMMA, R ‘ ‘ ; 2 ; < : , ‘ . 230 
LUXURIOUS QUARTERS, 3 . F ; ’ ; ; ; . 233 
A Mipnicut SHOWER, : ; : ; ; , z . 285 
A Ranpom SHOT, : ; Z . : (Full Page,) . >» 287 
“WHO ARE You?” . “ 3 A ‘ : : : . 240 
Her APPEARANCE, ... Ce ay ) Joa eee Cie aT 
STEPPING OUT, . . F A . 3 : P 5 : . 242 
Home AGAIN, . ; : “ - K 5 ‘ j . 243 
A DELICATE SUBJECT, é : ‘ y ‘ ; : * . 245 
BEHIND TIME, . : - A : ‘ P a > . 247 


A STARTLING Barats ion: . . . ‘ ; : ‘ . 246 


xiv | LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. 


JEWELL’S MOTHER-IN-LAW, 
TENDER RECOLLECTIONS, . : ° F 


“Watcu Out THAR!” : ; : 
“« Waar 1s [T?” . : ; : rs 3 
THE BrRICKSEE MARCH, Reig = ° 
SUSPENDED PAYMENT, : : . 


SETTLING His AccouNT, . i . ¢ 


AN ATTACK OF THE CIMEX LBECTULARIUS, — 


Fancy STock, ; ‘ ; 5 
IN THE INTEREST OF ScnNcE, - : 
SOMETHING WRONG, . ‘ - A 


‘‘Looxs KiInpDER LIke It!” . : ; 
How Pa Drip It, £ i s . é 


How J.D It;:: ; - ‘ ; 
In DIsGuisE, : 4 J ; ‘ 
THE DROWNED Boy, . s : ‘ ° 
THE OPPOSITION PAPER, . A e ° 
OvuR RECONCILIATION, & A ° ° 
A CELEBRATED MEDIUMESS, . . 
AN OLD SCHOOLMATE, i r . ahi 
THE VISIT OF THE ANGELS, » : # 
THE HOROSCOPE, : Pa : ° 
Her Most Peacerun Days, . . . 
CORROBORATING EVIDENCE, ‘ ° . 
EXPERIENCE MEETING, : : . ° 
PREPARING FOR DEATH, . F ° ‘ 
WasTIne AWAY, . : P : . ; 
Tue Last FAREWELL, ‘ ; e ° 
A Lasr Act, : : é P . = 


Just My Luck, . “ > ° F . 
Brtne A HERO, . 5 ; ‘ : 5 
SATO PUI =o : . . ‘ : 
INQUIRE WITHIN, eeleatig omaha ; 
TRANSFIXED WITH FEAR, . - . ; 
Aw Excitep Boy, : - j . ° 
Tue HInARious OFFICER, my . . 
AcROSS THE Boa, ‘ ; : ; 
Joun Hotcuxick TIED Fide TO A Post, . 
Lov Cra VISITS THE PRISON, 

HUNTGILL CONFESSES, 

Mrs. Lesiiz SEARCHING FOR Han Cup, 


(Full Page,) 
(Full Page,) 
(Full Page,) 
(Full Page,) 
(Full Page,) 
(Full Page,) 


(Full Page,) 














aoe S| 46° 


5 pee 





CHAPTER -f. 
A WEDDING EXPERIENCE. 


“WAS to be married on the first day of May. The 
place was Chicago. The clergyman whom I had engaged 
to officiate explained to me that, by the laws of the State, it 


would be necessary for me to go before the Clerk of the 


County Court, answer certain questions, and procure a marri- 


‘age license. To impress this important fact on my memory, 


he was good enough to tell me several amusing anecdotes 
concerning parties who had made great preparations for a 
grand wedding, only to discover at the last moment, when 
all the company were on the gut vive, that the license had 


~ been forgotten. 


“Many of my friends, knowing my proclivity to forget 


everything, kindly took it wpon themselves to jog my memory 


repeatedly about the license. Hach one had known some- 
body who had drifted into a ridiculous dilemma because 


_ that essential document had been forgotten. One bride 


told that her marriage must be postponed, she backed d6¥ 


had been so indignant at the groom’s negligence, that, ee 


and out completely, and finally married bode else, = 


Another was so chagrined because the whole congregation 


te laughed in her face when she turned to leave the church— 


still in a condition of aged singleness—that she wenr home 


< and committed suicide. 


 * an 





18 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 





These sad and truthful accounts so impressed themselves aes 
upon my mind that I hastened to the Court-house four weeks as ees 
before the marriage day, and became the proud possessor of ee Bs 
a, veritable official permission to have and to hold forever, if é oe a 





need be, Augusta Brownlow—said blessed privilege to take 
effect the moment any proper authority should pronounce 
us husband and wife. 


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GETTING A LICENSE. 


Without any unnecessary delay, I carried the license to a) 
my minister and requested him to keep it for me tillit was oe 
wanted. With this simple request he refused to comply. | 
He was a man of unyielding method, and his method was 
to have the license handed to him by the eroom immediately 
preceding the ceremony. He wanted to flourish it before 
the assembly, and to recite, in his solemn, pompous style, “I 
hold in my hand an instrument sanctioned by the State and 
legalized by the great seal of the court, by which I am 
authorized, etc., etc.” . 








rf 


5 
j 
v¥. 


groomsmen were ready, the brides- 


exception of putting on my new wed- 


A WEDDING EXPERIENCE. | 19: 


On his refusal to take charge of the license—for which 
I have never forgiven him—I hurried away, resolved to 
trust it to Augusta’s care, for I knew well enough I should 
lose it if I undertook to keep it myself. I lose everything. 
From Augusta it received a cordial reception. So did I. 

My friends still continued to warn me not to forget the 
license. Toward the last, the question “ Have you got your 
license?” became very monotonous, and I was never so 
tired of any subject in my life.. Those who had never asked 
it before asked it now; and those who had already asked it 
a dozen times, asked it again. 

The hour arrived. The carriages 
that were to take us to the church 
were in waiting at the door. The 


maids were ready, the bride herself 
was ready and so was I, with the 





IMPORTUNITY. 


ding-boots. - . 

At this point in the proceedings four or five persons were 
simultaneously possessed of the same inquiry, namely: 
“Have you got the license ?” | 

“Do not be alarmed,” answered my precious intended, 
“There is little danger of my neglecting that.” So saying, 
she came forward, and with her own hands put the docu- 
ment into the breast pocket of my wedding coat, where it 
would be easy of access at the time required. 

I was then left alone for a few minutes to struggle with 
my new boots, which, being a size too small for my feet, 


went on vexatiously hard. 


Before I had fairly settled down to the task, a servant 
girl handed me a letter, which, as I soon discovered, con- 






20 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


‘tained the bill for a box of cigars. I had bought them a~ 
week previous and had forgotten that they were not paid 
for. . 
“ What shall I tell the messenger?” inquired the girl, ee 
as T resumed work on my boots. “He is at the door wait- ae 
ing for the money.” ig 
I replied petulantly. 2 ee eo 


“Tell him to go and hang himself ! ” 


To be dunned while putting on a tight boot is enough to — eee 
irritate the ripest saint living. The 
more I thought of it, the more ex-" 
cited | became. I ought not to 
have thought of it at all, for as 
will appear in the sequel, there 
were other matters to which I 
should have given more careful 





attention... 


IRRITATED. 


“Tt is time to go,” said Augusta, 
speaking in the same low, calm, musical tone which had 
always made her voice so charming to my ears. 

“Yes, my dear,” I replied, “the boots are on at last. 
Don’t they look nice? Irounded the toes. The man who 
made them told me it would improve their appearance.” — 

Augusta had no idea what I meant, nor did she at that 
moment, particularly care. | 

When we arrived at the church, it was filled to overflow- 
_ing with the elite of the city—or rather of that part of it 
in which ates and I had lived, moved, and had our 
being. ON 

I think I felt a little touch of pride as I arenes up the 
broad aisle, leading one to whom others had vainly offered 
riches and honors—and who now was the cynosure of a 
thousand sparkling eyes. 








pointed. I tried the other breast 


A WEDDING EXPERIENCE. A Bee 


However, if I allowed myself to be too much puffed up, 
my downfall was speedily approaching. 

“J will now receive the license,’ said the minister in a 
loud, clear voice, as we arranged ourselves in front of the 
altars.—‘ What does this mean!” he exclaimed, in a 
lower tone when he had taken the paper from the envelope 
which I presented him. ‘It ap- 
pears to be an unpaid bill fora 









se 

i> 
SE 
oo 
Se an 


box of cigars.” 
*¢ A thousand pardons,” said I 
suffused with blushes and shame. 2% 
Es 
= 


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oS 


“Simply a mistake. I have the ZS 


license right here.” Thereupon l = 
iffy Mp 


dove into the pocket where I sup- \\/ « 








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posed it was, only to be disap- W ty AE 
A oe 

pocket, then the two other pockets sites ag. 


of my coat, then the two side pockets of my pantaloons, 


then the hip pocket, and finally the vest pockets, even 
to my watch pocket. Afterwards I examined my pocket 
book, and opened my pocket diary. This accomplished, 
I began at the beginning and repeated the explorations in 
detail, amid the suppressed laughter of the congregation. 
Oh my, how the perspiration poured off of me! — 

My prolonged search, having met with no success, I gave 
the minister a most despairing look and said: ‘“ What 
shall I do?” 
| He had a heart of stone. “ Nothing can be done,” said 
he, “but to adjourn the meeting until you either find the 
old, or obtain a new license.” 
~ “Viook here,” said I, “ Why can’t you go on with your 


_ ceremony ? You know I had the license. I offered it to 


you long ago.” 


pay MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 





“True, you did,” he replied, ‘“ but I must have the license 
in order to return it according to law. Every thing must- 
be done decently and in order.” 

So aggravating was his solemn manner of saying this, 

that I mentally resolved to do him some 





bodily harm at the first decent and or- on. 
derly opportunity. | ee 

Meanwhile Augusta had cater digs s/o 
patched a fleet-footed boy to see if the 
missing paper had not dropped out of 
my pocket while I had been laboring 





with my new boots. 


HAPPY THOUGHT. | : 
ai Nothing could have served better than 


this unhappy affair to bring out the beautiful coloring: of 
Augusta’s disposition. So entirely self-possessed did she 
‘remain that the whole congregation were kept at ease. 
‘Not a frown escaped her brow, nor the slightest reproof 
her lips. 

A reporter who was present—one of the kind who is all 
ears, from the top of his head down and out—made notes _ 
of the whisperings he overheard while we were waiting. 
“Tsn’t the bride charming!” was said by several. ‘“ Alto- 
gether too good for him!” was occasion- . 
ally the reply. 

“Oh, he’s a tip-top good fellow,’ 
remarked the more thoughtful, “only — oe 
he is such an unsophisticated, impulsive, Mi 
absent-minded, forgetful ' blunder-head, j 
that one never knows what scrape he 





will get into next.” 

The boy who had been sent for the PI4PPOINTMENT. 
lost license returned, with the graphic report that “ nobody 
couldn’t find hide nor hair of it.” 





ee ee ee ke he ee ae te ee WY Pe PR ee RS at ae Oe OS Bey Ao Ag eel ,. 

Re Ma Py MEE FT Ns 1 er ere A Ray dete aerate Cr al te ened So oe ME he 

Wer etn, eo RE be Ra pry Ate Ay eran oa ts ae Sais 
. : S 





A WEDDING EXPERIENCE. ‘ 23 


Just at this moment, there came to me one of those 
sudden flashes of recollection which are remarkable for 
nothing except that they never come till they get ready. 
Suddenly I turned to Augusta and said: “I see through 
it all! That miserable license is in the toe of one of my 
boots. The shoe-maker told me they would be a little long 
at first, and advised me to put a wad of paper, or some- 
thing, into the toes of them. I suppose I must have thought 
I was using that dunning letter for that purpose.” 

“Step right up to the minister, ” said Augusta, “and ask 
him to excuse you while Ma go into the vestibule and take 
your boots off!” 

Acting on this wise counsel, I forthwith made an explana- 
tion to the clergyman and withdrew. 

Imagine my feelings as I went out alone, having to face 
the high tide of a great sea of upturned faces! How 
different it was from my coming in, when Augusta was 
upon my arm and we were escorted by a brilliant retinue 
of grooms and maids! 

It was a dreadful moment, and I got out of the church 
as quickly as I could. 

Reaching the vestibule, of course there was no chair to 
be had, so I sat down on the floor and began tugging at my 
boot. Do you think I could stir it a peg? Indeed, I could 
not. My feet had been swelling ever since I put the boots 
on. In fact, I had been so hot and excited that I was 
swollen all over. 

Pretty soon one of the ushers came out: “ What in the 

- world are you doing?” said he. 

“Hold your tongue,” said I, “or you will have the whole 
congregation out here. Lay hold of that boot and pull for 
dear life!” 





















SS 


d the 





Ie 


% 


aT ha 
SERN 


“‘ Don’t you see you are 
my wedding clothes 





A few more jerks like that 


Zero 


I set him at work on the other 
rtain which one conta 


IN THE VESTIBULEe— 
“Youll spoil 


MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 
dragging me all over the dirty floor.” 


NN aN 


He did as he was told, but he might as well have tried to” 

Then the wretch laughed till he could not pull at all. 

“ Hold! Hold!” cried I, when they had both seized my 

Two other men were sent for to take me by the shoulders 
and hold me back. 


pull up a liberty pole by the roots. 
* You don’t pull right,” said I. 


pulling me instead of the boot. 
last one and off comes my leg.” 
boot, for I was not quite ce 


Another usher came out. 
lower extremities. 


94 
license. 


~ 





“Jack.” ‘In due time, the boy returned 


with one of those house-lifting screws,. 


more to the purpose, is what surprises 


A WEDDING EXPERIENCE. 95 


Then the report got started and spread though the con- 
eregation like wild-fire that I had fainted dead away, and 
many believed that I had retired for that purpose. This 
brought several ladies with their fans and smelling salts, 
post-haste into the vestibule. 

Those who came first spoke hopefully. They said the 
blood was returning to my face nicely. They told the 
others to stand back so that I could get more fresh air; 
but they themselves never budged an inch, and not a breath 
of fresh air did I get. 

Meanwhile one of the ushers had dispatched the fleet- 
footed boy to borrow a boot-jack. Un- 
fortunately, however, the usher, in his 
haste, had abbreviated the order to 


which goes by that name. Why he 
didn’t get a four-legged jack, and 
done with it, which would have been 





me. : JACK, 

As the ladies became more numerous, more sociable and 
at least I felt’so 
—which may explain how it happened that one of my boots 





sympathetic, I grew smaller and smaller 


finally loosened its grip and suffered itself to be removed 
from my long-suffering foot. | 


Contrary to my usual run of luck it proved to be just the 
boot we wanted. The sorry-looking license was brought to 

_ light. . 

But my troubles were not at an end. In trying to get my 

: _ boot on again, so great was the strain upon my wedding- 


=— 


26 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


coat that it parted in the back revealing a gap about twelve 
inches in length. 

I begged the ladies to go 
into the church and be seated. 

They went: 

I was so overcome with in- 
dignation that I stepped to the 
door and hurled the offending 
boot into the street. 

‘‘ Now,” said I, “who will 
lend me one.” Just here a 
new difficulty arose. It was 





the opinion of good judges 
A PRETTY COAT. that there was not a boot in 
the congregation large enough to fit me. 

It so happened that just at that moment a policeman was 
passing. Who says the police are 
always absent when they are wanted? 
I called him in and briefly explained 
the situation. He was very kind. He 
said he had never stood up at a wed- 
ding himself, but he should be proud 
to have one of his boots stand up at 


one. With a slight turn of his ankle pe 


he kicked off the leather which encom- 
passed his foot and bade me climb 
into it. I don’t know anything about 





the numbering of boots, but if that 





was not a number fifteen there never _AMY — = ae. 


INDIGNATION, 


was one. | 
As I marched into church with it 
on, it seemed to come wabbling in after me as though 











Prag pL = 


a _ 
—— === > 








OL 

















Daun sts 


rH NN 
‘ \ Ni 


J - : He 
3 B a/\\= \ | : 
Yh} 


; 








i\ \ 


E ——— a ~. “2 ? Z = : “Ugg 
: : Za =Y Zs 
SDS Seem: : = 


kee 
é vs} 








(L 
{PF} 
/ Ney 


wf 


a My 
aI AAs 


P 
ane? i OS 


== 
——— 





THE FINAL SCENE. 


A WEDDING EXPERIENCE. 29 


uncertain of its surroundings. It was never in such a 
place before. True to the instincts of its owner, however, 
it arrested—nothing in particular except everybody’s 
attention. . 

How it takes the conceit out of a man not to be properly 
clothed! It is so of ideas. That was the trouble with our 
officiating clergyman in all his preaching. He would dress 
a tiny thought in such flowing robes of language—such 
immense phraseological boots that it would require two 
deacons to lead it. 

However, we were married. 

Thus endeth the first chapter. 


CHAPTER IT. 


A TRAVELING EXPERIENCE. 


S soon as the wedding was over my wife and I took 


farewell leave of our Chicago friends, for we had 
resolved to make our home in New York City. 

We got away without mishap, and nothing occurred to 
mar our pleasure till the train stopped at Zania, a good 
sized station on the Lake Shore and Michigan Southern road. 

Here I was awakened—it must have been about two 
o’clock in the mor ning—by loud, excited voices oryIng: 

“Take him away!” 

“Put up that knife!” 

Kall him!” 

“Don’t shoot! ” 


I immediately recognized the fact that a desperate fight 


. . : . . ~ 
was going on just outside our sleeping-car. Nothing could 


have interested me more. For many years I had been 
constantly employed in gathering items for a leading news- 
paper. It is scarcely to be supposed that a professional and 
experienced reporter can quietly turn over and go to sleep 
again after being roused by a murderous outcry. 

I was determined to take in as much of that fight as 
possible, so I quickly pulled on that single outer garment 
which, strangely enough, we call “a pair,’ and without 
disturbing my slumbering beloved, hurried out of the car. 


(80) 





A TRAVELING” EXPERIENCE. GE 


As nearly as I could learn, some track-layers employed by 
the railroad company had taken advantage of night-time to 
lay down rails and secure a new road just where the citizens 
did not want it. These separate interests had just met in 
violent conflict. Stones had been thrown; revolvers had 
been used; and, as a result, there were a few broken heads 
and considerable wasted 
blood on the battle-field. 
The conflict as now rag- 


TT Ae a ay 


S25 
<2 


ing was mainly between 


2 


me 


=P 


the chiefs of the two 


ee oe OS 
= ze 


parties, and each was 


— 


bent on annihilating the 


ae 


ear: 


Ss 


other. 
As I stepped off the 
platform of the car an 


se oat 


SSS 
a a 
(cae 


Lahn 


PPL 


z= 


insanely excited young 


LM a 


man brushed past me, 


LT a aD 
ae 


exclaiming, ‘* Where is 


MMB 5 


i 
IN 
i: 
#y 
i 
a 


a a a a ee ee 


oo 
zz 
Sa rer 


Co Ete 


Pa 


he? Show him to me! 
Pt fix him And 


knew he meant it, for 


ro ara, e 
FL Lh phghele 
—e a a a 


I heard the click of -his 
pistol as he cocked it 





ready for use. 


A HASTY TOILET, 
It was but the work 


of a moment for me to seize his arm and relieve him of his 


deadly weapon ; but no sooner had I accomplished the deed, 
than with the agility of a cat he turned and sprang upon 
me. Here was something I had not counted-on. Never 
in my life had I been engaged in a hand-to-hand knockdown. 
My voice was still for peace. It may serve to give one a 





82 MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


little insight into my naturally pacific disposition, when I 
say that I allowed that fellow to hit me right and left at 
least seven times, although it did not take him long to de 
it before I got real mad. I never like to be thoroughly 
exasperated, because somehow it seems to have the effect te 


make me impulsive. 


Aiter a while I began to pay back the liberal capital he 





TAKING A HAND. . 


had given me, and I added interest with no niggardly hand. 
I surprised myself. For an inexperienced athlete I had 
reason to be proud of my prowess. Of all the blows I 
aimed at my enemy only the last one failed to take effect, 
and this was owing to the interesting circumstance that 
just previously he had landed so far away that I could not 
reach him. — s 























- was my coat and vest, hat 


A TRAVELING EXPERIENCE. . ou 


But my troubles were not ended. My vanquished opponent 
had friends. No sooner did they witness my victory than 
they pounced upon me from every direction. Now ensued a 
struggle that I will not undertake to describe. 1 fear I 
came out second best, but it was so dark, and I was so 
completely mixed up in the promiscuous crowd that I can 
not positively swear just how I did come out. 

Suffice to say, when the scrimmage was over the train 
was gone. So was my 
sweetly sleeping wife. So 


and boots. 
What to do I did not 
know, and for a long time 


ANN 


ity | sie 


I kept on not knowing. 
Then it occurred to me to 
send a telegram to some 
station ahead of the train, 
to be delivered to my wife 
on its arrival, telling her 
to stop off and wait for me. 
Into the telegraph office I 
rushed and wrote a mes- 





sage accordingly. The op- USELESS ARGUMENT. 


erator would not receive it without having it paid for in 
advance. At this stage in the proceedings I was brought 


‘suddenly to the realization that I had not a cent of money 


in my possession. All the capital I had in the world was 
in my purse, and that was under the pillow in the berth 
of the sleeping-car. 

Vainly did I plead with the operator to show me some 


favor in view of my misfortune. Vainly did I explain to 


a 
y 


a aa a. oe pnd ees oP oe eee ye Re REV er NS ee) oe 
ote at . Sa ea wEny PS Fae eee ee os 2 
A eee Ed oct 





5 : CNr a 
34 | MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. ae 
“him how I had just saved a human being’s life, and was 
therefore fairly entitled to some consideration. To all. that 
I could say he returned the most surly answers. He even 
went so far as to express the wish that I would be compelled 
to continue my journey on foot, and that I might never 
succeed in overtaking my wife. J demanded an explanation. 
Then it came out that I had been fighting against the Ra. 
railroad men. What favor could I expect from the railroad a te 


~s 
Ree ta 
SE 


in return? Why had eS 


~~ 
SSSSe 
——. 


not I stayed in the car 


aS 
<—S 


—— 


and minded my busi- . Se 


SS 
ene 
— 
7s SS 
RSs 
SS 


Se 
eae 


= 


ness, instead of coming Pee 


SSS 


outside to lend sympa- is Ss 
thy and support to a 
set of prejudiced, hot- 


~<> 


Y, 
Ny 
yp 


headed citizens, who, if 
they could have their 
way, would break up 
every railroad corpora- 
tion in the country? 
As the tempestuous 
operator spat out these 
interrogatories I ob- 
served that his left 
THE*STATION AGENT. eye was swelling. I 


knew then what. was affecting his bile. He had been 





engaged in the late unpleasantness. I could almost recog- — 
nize the prints of my knuckles on his face. | 

I inquired for the ticket-agent. He also was wounded. 
Some of his comrades had just taken him home on a shutter, 
After considerable search I succeeded in finding the station- 
agent, but to my great disappointment he would neither lend 








A TRAVELING EXPERIENCE. 35 


me a dollar nor provide me a place of shelter. His head 
was freshly bandaged and he was on his way to the drug- 
store. I waited for him to purchase a bottle of liniment 
and get away, when I entered the store, hoping to find 
some one who was not a railroad man. This hope was 
fully realized, for the night-clerk of that store turned out to 
be a perfect gentleman. I can never over-estimate the 
obligations to him under which his kindness placed me. No 
sooner had | told him my sad story than he enthusiastically 
eommended the course I had pursued. The railroad com- 
pany, he said, was bent on destroying the pride of Zania by 
cutting in two its beautiful park on which fronted the finest 
residences of the city. His own father had been engaged 
that very night in endeavoring to thwart the plans of the 
unholy monopoly. 

T had no difficulty in borrowing money of my new friend. 
He furnished me also with coat and vest, and was anxious 
to add a pair of boots, but he did not happen to have any 
that he could spare. However, he brought’ me a pair of 
- fur-topped overshoes, which 1 managed to get on. 

Thus respectably garbed I returned to the telegraph office 
and succeeded in getting a message sent to my wife, which, 
as I thought was very nicely and clearly worded, but which, 
as the sequel will show, proved to be quite the reverse. 

Meanwhile that lady awoke. At firstshe did not miss me. 
Why should she? Todo her full justice, however, it must 
be confessed that she did experience an undefined impression, 
as she opened her eyes and looked around and extended her 
arms and felt about, that something—she could not quite 
recall what—was actually missing. 

By chance her gaze fell upon two immense objects at the 


foot of the berth. She was thoroughly startled. At no 
a8 y 3 





- * @& 
36 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. * 


previous time in her life had she been suddenly called from Us te 
dream-land to face such great, black, hideous things as she Oe 
now beheld. They were my boots. No sooner had she 
recognized this fact than she began to wonder where I was. 
Without a moment’s delay she thrust her head out between 
the curtains and examined the floor to see whether I had 
not fallen out of bed in my sleep. Then she began to worry. 
Her imagination conjured up a thousand calamities that had 





SHE MISSED SOMETHING. 


befallen me. For five minutes she almost ceased to breathe 
in listening for my returning footsteps. This painful sus- 
pense could be endured no longer. Hastily dressing herself, 
she began to search for me through the train. Meeting the 
conductor, she plied him with a perfect shower of questions. 
All that officer could say was that there had been a 
general row at Zania, and that he had seen a half-dressed 
passenger get off and engage in it, and had not seen him since. 
This was anything but pleasant news to a young and — 








A TRAVELING EXPERIENCE. 87 


trusting wife; but, bless her good heart, she did not lose 
faith in me for a single second. When, at the next station, 
the conductor received my message she wept for joy. 





THE TELEGRAM, 


Tearing it from the envelope she read as follows: 


“ ZANIA, 8 A. M., May 2, 18—. 
“To Mrs. Augusta Berkeley: 
“My Dear: Take the next train without fail. Stop at 
Adrian. The money is under the pillow. | 
| August BERKELEY.” 


What I had meant was that Z should take the next train 
without delay and overtake her at Adrian. 
_ What she understood was that she should get off at Adrian 
and there take returning train to Zania. As now review 
all the circumstances of the case, I cannot see how she could 


\ 


‘open 


38 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


have come to any other conclusion. She supposed I was 
without money, hat, or boots; and moreover predicted that 
I was seriously wounded. | 
With what I had borrowed from the druggist’s clerk I 
purchased a ticket and started for Adrian, about the time 
that Mrs. Berkeley was starting for Zania. Of course we 





REUNITED. 


met somewhere on the road, but were entirely innocent of 
that important circumstance. 

Arriving at Adrian, and learning that my wife had gone 
to Zania I jumped aboard a lightning express train which 


was just that moment returning, and went back to Zania. — 


-Meantime—indeed, I thought it was a very mean time,—Mres. 
Berkeley had left Zania and was returning to Adrian. 


Glace stn ee 




















A TRAVELING EXPERIENCE. : 39 


When I arrived at my destination and found I had made 
another blunder I resolved to wait where I was for my wife 
to come. When she arrived at her destination she resolved 
to wait where she was for my coming. Other mistakes 
occurred, but in spite of them all our blissful souls were 
reunited at the end of three days, and I promised my wife 
on my—fur-topped overshoes that I would never leave her 
again, fight or no fight, unless she was awake. 

She was very proud of me, however, and gave me several 
hundred kisses for having saved three men’s lives. (I told 
her it was three, and no doubt I was within the limit, for 
there was the man who would have been shot if I had not 
seized his mad pursuer and nearly annihilated him, and the 
pursuer himself who would have been hung for the murder, 
and the poor judge who would have presided at the trial and 
who undoubtedly would have died before it was ended.) 


¢ 


CR APE by ate 


A CELEBRATION EXPERIENCH. 


N resuming our journey to New York, we chanced to 
fall in with another bridal couple, also from Chicago, 
and with whom | had been slightly acquainted. Travelers 


journeying in the same direction for similar purposes, natu- . 


rally feel interested in one another, there is a bond of 
sympathy between them. Newly married people particu- 
larly are affected by the presence of others in the same 
predicament. Singled out as they are and subjected to the 
curious gaze of the rest of mankind,—notwithstanding the 
efforts made to escape detection, the poor unfortunates are 
only too glad to receive the sympathy they get from others 
of their kind, and a mutual interest is the result. So we 
found our friends exceedingly pleasant traveling compan- 
ions, who, as well as ourselves, had had their full share of 
novel adventures, the relating of which afforded us all 
infinite amusement; while their mirth knew no bounds 
when we told them our experiences in getting married, 
and getting along on our trip. As the friendship thus 
commenced continued for’a number of years, the parties 
are justly entitled to a formal introduction: 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have the honor to present to 
you Mr. and Mrs. Jewell. 


(40) 








A CELEBRATION EXPERIENCE. wee 41 


I noticed that a great many country persons were board- 
ing our train, although it was quite early in the day; so I 
inquired of some of them what was the special occasion that 
brought them out. They told me that Jonesville was about 
to celebrate its semi-centennial anniversary, and there was 
to be a high old time there that very day. They were 


LEZ 


——- :| 
—e 
SSS N 





race across @ 






AAS pond, and a 
PIES 

ANS 

$ 


YANN 
Sy Cd 
: \ WY 
\ 


\ 
XY 5 : if 

A Z LLL " 
Sas 


sack race up a 
hill. There 
would be three 















~ THE GREAT CELEBRATION. 
greased pigs 

for people to climb, and four greased poles for them to—do 

something or other with. 

I was interested, although not enthusiastic; but when I 
learned that a part of the celebration would consist’ of a 
bicycle race, open to all competitors, and that the winner 
would receive five hundred dollars, my whole soul was 
ablaze. If there was anything I could do to perfection, 
riding a bicycle was that thing. I had practiced it for 
years, and no one in Chicago had been able to outride me. 

“Here is my opportunity,” I said to my wife. “We need 


42 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 





the money. Our three days’ delay in trying to find each — 
other consumed considerable capital. This five hundred | 
dollars will not only set us right again, but give us quite a A seie 
start in the world.” | , 
My wife was not favorably impressed with my proposition. 
She thought it looked like playing a game of chance for =; 
gain, which, as she regarded it, was the same as gambling. 
“No, my dear,’ replied I, “it will not be playing, but . 
working; and there is no element of chance, where one is = 





SN Sees DES ape . 

See Srey Nes =i . a 

PART OF THE PROGRAMME. ‘ i 

sure of winning; and, besides, I shall be helping to promote : ei i 
a most worthy enterprise.” ee a : 
My wife, out of the goodness of her heart, rather tha | 2 
from her better judgment, suffered herself to be persuaded aS 
by my burning eloquence. | 2 
In view of my prospective fortune, I could not be mean; | — 
so I invited Mr. and Mrs. Jewell to stop over at Jonesville Tis 24 
to witness my victory, and insisted on making them my ea 
guests. i a 
ee: 








Sd wes ear aN Pe ieat BV ONRE SP ie ie lee ee mE EE SW Eee ae 
pe eat Peas <a "yeah =a ws. ie “ “7%, low pe 50 = i 


; Se os 
A CELEBRATION EXPERIENCE. 43 


There were a few other little expenses I had not reck- 
ened on. For example, before I was allowed to compete for 
the bicycle prize, I was obliged to pay what was called an 
entrance fee of fifty dollars. Then I must borrow a bicycle, 
for which I was charged the exorbitant sum of twenty-five 
dollars more. 

The race began. There was one man in particular on 
- whom everybody was betting. His name was Sharpe; and 
he was lithe as an Indian. I saw at once that the real con- 
test was to be between him and me. 

He started out with utmost confidence and in a few 
seconds had put himself several turns of the wheel ahead of 
everybody else. 

I was not frightened. I knew the virtue that lay in my 
eonsiderable feet. J had faith in them. I felt that I had 
only to wait till-they warmed to the business, when I should 
see them effecting execution like that of the piston-rod of a 
Corliss engine. 

_At first there was great shouting in favor of Sharpe, but 
as I began steadily to gain on him, the applause was less 
vigorous. When at length I placed myself by his side, 
people almost held their breath. He was evidently a favor- 
ate whom nobody in Jonesville wanted beaten, especially by 
a stranger. 

I now apprehended ani easy victory. I had made no spurt 


- nor expended any of my reserve force, while it was plain 


to be seen that Sharpe was under a full head of steam, and ° 
vainly wishing he had more. 

Without any great effort I placed myself some distance in 
the advance. Everything was going well and I was nearly 
home when I heard a piercing cry of distress. Turning 
3 about, I saw Sharpe lying flat on the ground with his bicycle 





44 MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


on top of him. He had run into a pile of stones, and, as ic 


supposed, was seriously hurt. Only one impulse possessed 
me—to go to his relief. 

As soon as I could get to him, I lifted the weight from his 
prostrate form,and tried to set him on his feet, vut every 
movement seemed to pain him exceedingly. He declared 


that his lee was broken, and that he was injured i ternally. 


WANN t 
H Na 
NO 


y 





THE PROMISE. 


He had cut his lip on a fragment of stone, and as the blood 
flowed freely, several ladies fainted. He requested me to 
hold up his bicycle for him to lean against. 

I did so. | | 

Then he wanted to see if it were possible for him to mount 
it. I thought he was crazy. Anything but that. He did 
mount; and before I fully had time to comprehend the situa- 
tion, he was making his vehicle fairly buzz on the home 





pen 
~ 


oS 


LAN 


rer. 
LLL ez 
SES eager 
CL ALLL RL cs 
1Oags a ree 


aT Se, 
oa! 


\ 


q 
y 


TO ql 


Mi 
NN 


v/ 


oS el 


NY 


AN 


g 


WW 
pa 


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AN UNGRATEFUL WRETCH. 





eT Ss ied eae Gia a Pa et aa Cm en st ape eee Se LS le NS 
e a She a ey i eee Mints .. glory eo ce A 

= 40 et 4 Chee Se eee Cosa So eee ‘ sak ita . 

26 Mis os RE LE PY >a - aah fase < 


« 


A CELEBRATION EXPERIENCE. AT 


stretch, and never did he stop till he reached the goal and 
was declared winner of the race, amid the deafening applause 
of the multitude. | 

If that was not a swindle I never saw one. 

The next day the Jonesville Gazette came out with glaring 
headlines, saying that Mr. Sharpe had won an easy victory 
ever the gentleman from Chicago, having had plenty of time 
to dismount, while on the track, for the purpose of ovling his 
machine. 

After my disgrace, although Augusta met me with a sweet 
smile, she made me promise that I would never ride a 
bicycle again for money. | 

That same evening I got into another difficulty of a much 
worse sort. 

Mr. Jewell and I left the ladies in the hotel while we went 
eut to see a sack-race by moonlight. Strange to say, some 
of the most prominent citizens of Jonesville had been enticed 
into that ridiculous performance. Even lawyers and doctors 
allowed themselves to be tied up in a sack, while they tried 
to race down hill with each other. 

Everything is governed by mania. Just now this was the 
mania. At another time you could no more have induced — 
one of those respectable gentlemen to engage in this rude 
sport, than you could have persuaded him to eat raw oysters 
with a knife. ; 

~ Unfortunately I myself am susceptible to the subtle power 
of the ruling mania, whatever it happens to be. 

At first, when I was asked to participate in the amuse- 
ment, I refused; but when fifty dollars were offered to the 
one who would go up the hill in a sack, making the fastest 
time, I thought I saw my way clear to recover the money | 
had paid out that morning as an entrance fee. 





MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


48 





He argued that I had 
He thought my success 


Mr. Jewell favored the scheme. 





ve 


y 


I had some difficulty in getting one large enough; 
but when once in it, I realized that my broad foundations 


much to gain, and nothing to lose. 
Enough said! Bring on the sack! 


would please my wife. 





would serve me well. 


See 


SSSSesy 
SSSesssh 


a as 


> re 


eee 
SSS 


So 


—- 


PEAR) 


N 


2 
ey 





A NEW VENTURE. 


imply a trial of muscle and 


agis s 


Running up hill in a b 


I more than 


In my anxiety to make a record that could never be 


and, as I had plenty of both, I won. 


U5 
won. 


eri 


beaten, I tore down all barriers, and went far beyond the 


stretched rope which was designed as the stopping-place. 


Those miserable Jonesville villains encouraged my going on, 








A CELEBRATION EXPERIENCE. : 49 


although they very well knew—what I did not kriow-—that 
directly in front of me B= SS 
was a deep railroad cut, 
whose banks of sand and 
gravel were very precipi- 
tous. 

It was only a ques- 
tion of time, and the 
time speedily came. 
Down I went, heels over 
head, carrying tons of 
earth with me, and 

bringing other tons after 
me. Between the track 


© 


and the embankment 
was a ditch filled with 
water; and into this I 
rolled, while the vast 
quantity of sand I had 
loosened rolled on top 
of me, until I could not 
move a muscle of my 
body, or obtain a breath 
--- of air. 

Death would have 
ended my career then 

_ and there had it not 
been for my friend, Mr. 
Jewell. Learning from 
others what had befallen 
me, he threw himself 








+ into the treacherous cut, 


2 





50 . MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


at the risk of losing his own life, and at once began am 


anxious search for my body. This, in all probability, he 
would not have found till too late had it not been for the 
fortunate circumstance of stumbling across one of my feet, 
which had burst the sack, and protruded from the sand. 


That foot was my salvation. TI followed it out of my living 


AA 
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a it a 
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THE RESCUE. 


grave, a sadder, but a wiser man. 
narrow escape from a horrible death. 


Never had Ia more 


As soon as I was sufficiently restored to speak, I gave my 


hand to Mr. Jewell, and begged him to regard me as 
willing servant for the rest. of my life. 


‘‘Make me one promise,” said J. “If ever it is in 


his 


1Dy: 


power to do you a favor, you will not hesitate to let me 


know.” 


















eer yk 


A CELEBRATION EXPERIENCE. ‘ 51 


He promised. 

«©Whatever you shall ever ask,” said I, “it shall be 
granted.” | 

Little did I realize then how much those words would 
cost me. More than once I have almost wished he had left 
me in my grave. 

But I must not anticipate. 

My good wife was glad to see me again, although not pre- 
pared for the dirty and wretched appearance which I pre- 
sented. Not one word of reproof passed her affectionate 
lips. She made me promise, however, as she gave me a 
hundred kisses, that I would never again engage in a sack- 
race. And she used such queer arguments, even saying 
that doing such things for money showed symptoms of the 
gambling mania. Did you ever! 

I told her. she would come to be so scrupulous, yet, that 
she would not engage in a raffie at a church fair. Then I 
learned, to my great grief, that she was opposed to that too. 

I tried to explain to her that nothing is gambling unless 
those who engage in it call it gambling, and that the little 
diversions which are sometimes practiced by churches and 
Sunday-schools are only a nice way which people - have 
of replenishing the treasury of the Lord. “There is a wide 
difference,” said I, “between sin per se and sin which is not 
per se.” But even this point, being a woman, she failed to 
see, and insisted on my giving the “right name” to those 
pecuniary games of chance in which even some saints of 
earth occasionally indulge. 

‘Then I labored to show to her that what she was denounc- 

ing was simply a way—nothing in the world but a way of 

raising money, sometimes for the purpose of increasing 
a poor minister’s salary, or of paying the interest on a 
mortgage. 












a WIFE’ g FOOL or a “HUSBAND. ee 


“Yes,” said she, “one way to make Hamburg cheese is 
place common cheese in a Hamburg box. One way, 40; make ce 









 oX-marrow pomade is to take swine’ Ss fat, and put it in ‘ en 
pretty bottle labeled with the picture of an Ox. One way 










to make a market for ideas is to have them placed over the 
autograph of a person who has notoriety, even though he | 
‘may never have had an idea of his own. And one way to 
play Christian is to attach to a man the name of some — 
popular church, while he indulges in worldliness to his 
heart’s content. There are other WAYS. Ok ee 
At this point I dropped the Riese for there is is no use ee 


yes 





Boe ear a art trea. aK ee, iY Fa re a 


. CHAPTER. IV. 


HOUSE-KEEPING. 


EACHING New York somewhat more alive than dead, 

ine first business was to rent a small printing-office in 
Newspaper Row, and start a weckly publication, called 
“Tue Farmer’s Guipp. 

I knew very little about farming; but I did not apprehend 
any difficulty on that account, for my aim was to make an 
original paper, free from that prejudice and dogmatism 
which many editors manifest, if, by chance, they happen to 
be well-informed in regard to the subjects they write about. 

After investing enough capital to insure the starting of 
this’ business enterprise, my own means were entirely 
exhausted. Augusta, however, had a few hundred dollars 
that her father had given her as a wedding present, and [ 
‘made the proposition to her that we take this and go to 
house-keeping. She did not readily respond to the idea. 
She intuitively felt, she said, that it would be a bad move, 
and advised our putting the money out at interest, and con- 
tenting ourselves with boarding at_a moderate expense. 
| My wite’s instinct seemed to be continually coming in 
conflict with my own cool, calm, reason-wrought judgment ; 
but, bless her heart! after a brief struggle she generally 
saw the folly of trying to argue without arguments, and 
gracefully surrendered to my aforesaid judgment. 


oe (538) 


54 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


I was always right, logically; but, nevertheless, by mere - 


chance, things would so come to pass, that, in most cases, 
we should have been much better off if her instinct had 
been followed. : 

‘Very well,” said she at the conclusion of our quiet little 
talk on. the subject, ‘it shall be as you say. But first we 
must look for a house.” F 

‘We cannot rent a whole house,” said I. 

“T have heard about flats,’ she replied. “Are they too 
expensive?” 

“Most certainly they are, my dear.” 

“Then what shall we do?” 

“We must get a suite of rooms in a tenement-house.” 

I saw plainly enough that my wife was not pleased with 
this plan; but I had my heart set on it, so I said, in gentle 
accents : : : 

‘Now, darling, do not allow that shadow to rest on your 
beautiful brow, for you haye only to remind yourself that 


the deprivations to which circumstances now compel us to 


‘submit will be exceedingly brief. My “Farmer’s Guide” 
must soon bring in a rich return, and it cannot be many 
years before we may own a mansion on Fifth Avenue.” 

Augusta smiled and kissed me, as she said: 

* Of course, you know best, and I will willingly res with 
you anywhere.’ 

It is marvelous what a trusting nature that woman had. 

The best we could do with our limited means was to rent 
two large rooms on the fifth floor of a business house. 

My wife was delighted with my selection, it being so 
much better than she had dared to hope for. 

The secret of happiness is not in what we get, but in get- 
ting more than we anticipate. 





we 











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; ’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


MY WIFE 


56 





Seeing a carpet-store, I thought I might as well get that 


article first, and have done with it. 


The clerk who waited on me had the “ gift of gab” to ~ 


. 


. 


is Insidious persuasiveness 


Under the magic of h 


perfection. 


at Le TMS i Yas 
BS 


THE ELOQUENT CLERK. 


nt 


my wife more than all else was an elegant Brussels carpet. 
The one which he unrolled before my enraptured gaze dis- 


played a wealth of delicate tints not to be compared wi 





I came to believe that the special thing which would please 


s 


The more I looked at it and the 


more I heard that man talk, the more spell-bound I became. — 


anything | had ever seen. 


a iar = a RRS ok A ie Le te ee he ° ered Soin . Ng hey 
Ses Pat ne le alin he . > oe * weg ‘Waa a 





HOUSE-KEEPING. 57 


* 

$Y eps said I, “we do want at least one article really 
nice;” and as I thought of my suffering wife occupying | 
that cold, uncovered floor, and then, in imagination, saw her 
reclining on this carpet of richly-woven flowers, I said: 

¢ 1'll take it.” , 

“Two dollars and a half a yard is very cheap for that 
elass of goods,’ remarked the oily-tongued clerk. “ What 
are the dimensions of your room?”’ , 

I looked at the paper which my wife had provided me 
with, and read: 

“ Twenty-two feet long by twenty feet wide.” 

“ And a magnificent bedroom it is!’’ exclaimed the man. 
“You will not find many in this city so fine and airy.”’ 

I was delighted with his conversation. I grew prouder 
every moment. 

“ Of course,” said he, “you must have something under 
your carpet to make it elastic to the tread; and you 
wouldn’t think of adopting the vulgar country practice of 
padding with straw or old newspapers.” 

I answered him warmly, that I would adopt nothing 
vulgar. 

“We have a lining of our own patent,” said he, ‘ which is 
decidedly the best thing in the market. It is made up 
largely of cedar shavings, to keep away moths.” 
~< Do you charge extra for it?” I inquired. 

“Only seventy-five cents a yard,” he replied, with an. air 
which seemed to say, it is not worth mentioning. 

“ [ must have it,” said I. 

“You are aman of remarkably good sense,” he replied, 
his eyes beaming with approbation. 

I agreed with him. 

Will you have the carpet put down for me?” I inquired. 


68 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“Certainly. We shall engage the very best workmen for 
that purpose.” 

‘Will you have it done immediately?” 

“This very day, if you so order.” 

‘Then I so order,” said I. 


I was just leaving the store, when the clerk called me_ 


back, and, after blushingly apologizing for troubling me, 
imparted the information that, in accordance with a rule 


iW 


SSS 


——SSS== 
= 





A DEPOSIT, PLEASE. 
which his firm had adopted, it would be necessary for me to 
make a small deposit, in order to insure the delivery of the 
goods. | 
“Oh, yes!” I exclaimed, ‘“‘ How much shall it be?” 
_ “ Say, forty dollars,” carelessly remarked the clerk. 
I paid it. — 


My first impression was that there would not be much 


more to pay. I had not considered that there would be an 





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A SHARP BARGAIN. 


HOUSE-KEEPING. ‘ 61 


extra charge for binding my carpet, another for making it 
up, and another for putting it down, and that all this was to 
be done in the very best manner. Neither had I considered 
that a yard of Brussels is only twenty-seven inches in width. 

My next visit was to a grocery. Here I made a few pur- 
chases, and was doing well, when I came to the item 
“Molasses.” My wife had neglected to say how much I 
should get. 

I am very fond of the long-tailed sugar, and I resolved 
that griddle-cakes and molasses should be*my chief diet for 
some time to come. 

‘Tf one wishes to economise,”’ said the grocer, “‘he should 
buy all imperishable articles by the quantity. By the single 
gallon, this molasses will cost you one dollar; but by taking 
a barrel, which is forty gallons, at thirty-six dollars, you 
make a clean saving of four dollars, which, as Franklin 
would say, is equal to eight dollars earned.” | 

To my mind, this was a very practical argument; so I 
-closed the bargain in accordance with the grocer’s advice. 

By this time, I was tired of marketing, and, as I looked 
at the long list of purchases yet to make, I began to have a 
suspicion that I had not sufficient money to go around. 

A wise idea struck me: I would wait till my wife was 
relieved of her headache, and then turn the unfinished work 
over to her. I recollected that the money was hers by 
right, and what could be more proper than for her to become 
responsible for its expenditure—especially as it was liable 
to fall short. 

With this consoling conclusion, I put away the list of 
“things wanted,” while I fell into a political controversy 
with one of the grocer’s customers. 


Toward evening I wended my way home. 


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HOUSE-KEEPING. | : 63 


back to Chicago, consider my marriage a dream, and resume 
the business of newspaper reporting, as though nothing had 
happened. - 

“Oh, how I wish my husband would come!” vociferated 
Augusta from the top floor of the house. “ You would find 
yourselves dealing with a man then.” 

Was 1 a man? I asked of myself. After a reasonable 
doubt, I decided in the affirmative. i 
_ Yes, and like a man | would face the storm, instead of 
going back to Chicago. 

“My dear,’ said I, as soon as I reached the room, “I 
bought that carpet on purpose for you. I thought you 
would like it, and out of the love of my heart—” 

Augusta interrupted me; but I shall not publish her 
remarks, for, as I told her at the time, she would not have 
talked that way if-she had been well. It was her headache, 
which, as I earnestly assured her, made her irresponsible — 
for her impulsive words. 

I cannot say that she was at all soothed by my charitable 
verdict. 

However, in due time, she grew calm, and most respect- 
fully listened to my cool, quiet, ‘deliberate level-headed- 
ness. 

Just as I was congratulating myself on a great word vic- 
tory, we heard a confusion of sounds proceeding from one 
of the lower. stairways, which apparently could neither have 
been more nor worse if Barnum’s entire circus had been 
coming up to call on us. In a few moments, we heard men 

making use of the most shocking oaths, and giving every 
evidence of being as mad as mad could be. 

“Do go down and see what the trouble is,” requested 
Augusta. . 


64 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


But I knew too well what was coming, as soon as I heard 


an angry man. declare, with an oath, that he would never 
again undertake a job of that sort where there was no 
elevator, and that nobody but a consummate idiot would 
ever ask to have such a thing brought to such a place. 
“My dear,” quietly remarked I to Augusta, there is ne 
eause for alarm. It is only some men trying to roll up a 


barrel of molasses.” 





rr4) "; 





A HEROIC STRUGGLE. 


“You don’t mean to say,” began Augusta, her large, 


bright eyes so keenly penetrating my soul that I was obliged. 


to look down to the floor, “ that you have ”— 

“Yes, my dear, | bought it for griddle cakes. It won’t 
last long.” 

Astonishing as it may seem, Augusta answered not a 
word. Let it be recorded, to the shame of other wives, that 
not a word did she utter. She just went and sat down on 








pes oO Ree ae We 














HOUSE-KEEPING. ‘ 65 


the soap-box, set her teeth hard together, placed one hand 
en top of her head, the other beneath her chin, and held on 
so unflinchingly that not a syllable could escape. 

Oh, how I admired her heroic struggle against tempta- 
tion! Plainly I could see the heaving billows of that tem- 
pestuous sea, to which she was inwardly crying, * Peace! 
peace!” 

Complete triumph was hers. 

When, at last, she spoke, it was only to say, with her 
sweetest smile: 

“Tsn’t this romantic ?” 

“* How so?’ I inquired. 

“ Delightfully romantic!’’ she continued; “going to 
house-keeping in the fifth story of a business block, with 
nothing but a two-hundred-dollar carpet and a barrel of 
molasses.” 

No storm that she could have raised, although it had been 
packed full of lightning, would have so completely revealed 
my unmitigated idiocy as did this bit of quiet sunshine. 

However, I would not have confessed to her, for the 
world, how I really felt. I was determined to carry a bold 
front, and make the most of what I had done. 

“Our kitchen is much the smaller room,” suggested 
Augusta, “and it may puzzle us a little to find space in it 
for that molasses.” 

‘Why, I am sure I could set a dozen barrels there,” I 
responded. 

“But you forget the stove and all the groceries that the 
kitchen must contain. Besides, it must be our dining-room.” 

“Then we will put the molasses in the bedroom?” 

“JT dislike to see that pretty carpet injured,” responded 
Augusta, in her blandest tones, as the barrel was rolled in. 








* 


66 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF .A HUSBAND. 


“Trust me to provide against that,’ I replied. “In the 
first place, I shall put down these clean joist for the barrel 
to stand on, and shall then place some thick paper under 
the faucet to catch the drippings.” ‘ 


“Do you really think,” inquired Augusta, meekly, “ that 


the bedroom is the proper place for that molasses ? se: 


“Certainly I do, under the circumstances. We have but 
OE i Yi 


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TRYING THE ARTICLE. 


two places, and you yourself have shown conclusively that 


there is no room for it in the kitchen; therefore its going 


into the bedroom becomes a necessity; and what does 
Shakespeare say? ‘There is no virtue like necessity.’ 
What does Jeremy Taylor say? ‘ Nothing is intolerable that 
> 


is necessary. 


say? ‘Necessity does everything well;’ and so say I.” 





And what does our great and good Emerson | 












A 


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HOUSE-KEEPING. ; 6T 

“¢ And what you four gentlemen say must be so,” remarked 
Augusta. “Therefore the molasses remains in the bedroom.” 

That night we retired early. I had failed to provide a 
eouch, but my wife arranged a very nice place for us on the 
floor, and we slept, as you might say, three in a bed,— 
Augusta and I and the barrel of molasses. % 

_ Before lying down, I had attempted to draw out a cup-full 
_ of the sweetening, so as to have it ready for breakfast; but, 
to my surprise, it would not run. Although I opened the 
faucet to its fullest extent, only a few drops could be coaxed 
from the barrel. _I was.worried. I laid down and tried to 
sleep, but nothing could I do except to toss about and won- 
der by what process I was to get access to my griddle-cake 
_ dressing. | 

It must have been about ten or eleven o’clock, when my 
wife, with a sort of twinkle in her voice, asked me if I had 
ever studied philosophy. 

“Of course I have,” I replied. 

“And did you ever learn about the atmosphere pressing 
on everything it touches at the rate of fifteen pounds to the 
square inch?” | 

“ Certainly.” | 

“Then why not bore a little hole in the top of the barrel, 
so the air can get in?” 

“ Any fool would: know enough for that,’ I ungraciously 
remarked ; “but the trouble is I have no gimlet.” 

_ “TJ believe there-is an augur among the tools in that box 
by the door,” said Augusta. “They were left here this 
afternoon by a man whom the landlord sent to fix the win- 
dows. Don’t get up now! Can’t you just as well wait till 
morning? ee 

“No,” said I, “ this hole must be bored before I can sleep 


68 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. | 


a wink. It is my nature to get everything eff of my — se 


mind.” 


“J should think you might accomplish that feat very 
eral rule,” suggested my 


three or four vigorous 
turns, sent the augur 





barrel. 

“T am satisfied now,” 
said I, regaining my 
proper position in our 
lowly bed. “If I should 
happen to oversleep in 








the morning, there will 








from getting breakfast.” | 
Pretty soon we both 


sweet slumber which be- 
belongs only to the inno- 





cent. 
A VENT HOLE. . How long we had been 


in that blessed condition is uncertain, when I was awakened 





by a most frightful cry, proceeding from my wife. | 
“Take them off! Oh, take them off !” she continued to 
scream. 
“ What is it?” I inquired. 
“Snakes!” came the reply. 


Just at that moment, I felt something cold and clammy 
crawling up my back, and I jumped to my feet only to find 


early in the day, as a gen- | 


through the top of the 


be nothing to hinder you~ 


lost ourselves in that 


better-half, while I, with. . 










“e 


Fale i pen ata 


‘) 


ae ea 






2 


Bestih ak cht ght 


* 


wt See 


a 
7 
‘ 





-HOUSE-KEEPING. — } 69 


: myself wading deep in molasses. I had left the faucet 
_ wide open after boring the hole in the barrel. 
I shut it off as soon as I could, which, however, was 
quite a useless proceeding, inasmuch as the contents of 
the barrel were already at large on our beautiful carpet. 

My wife began to cry, and, as for myself, I was ready to 
howl with erief and chagrin. 





A NICE FIX, 


_ “Augusta,” said I, with what coolness I could command, 
“ T told you so.” | 

This was the first opportunity 1 had ever had to quote 
that comforting remark to the woman of my choice, so I 


a _ made the most of it. 


 “T told you so! and you kuow well enough that I told 
“you 80! paid reiterated. ie 





pre 


105 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“In the name of all that is out, what did you tell me?” 

sobbed Augusta. See 
~“T told you that that barrel of molasses wouldn’t last 

long.” : 

My sweet wife continued to cry. I knew then, as well as — 
words could tell me, that she mourned the loss of the © 
molasses. It was her way of approving my purchase. Then : 
I loved her more than ever, and set to work in earnest to — 
pour comfort into her heart. ; : 

“Never mind your loss,” said I. “True, it is very great, 
but you have me left. Molasses may come, and molasses — 
may go, but I shall be with you always. Why, then, should © 
you be discouraged? I will not withdraw from you although 
everything else should be gone.” | 

This was so consoling to her that she laughed a little. é 

“Tam reminded,” said she, ‘of Elder Perkins’ prayer.” 

‘“ What was that?” , ae 

‘OQ Lord, even though thy church should be broken up, 
and thy cause on earth be forever lost, suffer not thyself to 
repent having made the world, for I will stand by thee 
without ceasing, even though all others forsake thy counte- 


~ nance.” 


Even to this day, I have not found out what Augusta 
meant by quoting that singular prayer. Perhaps the loss of 
the griddle-cake dressing had so overwhelmed her that she 
was not in her right mind. 








CHAPTER (V, 
OUR FIRST SUNDAY AT HOME. 


N a modést, very modest way, we had set up our house- 
hold gods, and they reminded us of our glorious inde- 
pendence—and our debts. 7 

“Now, let us begin right,’ said Augusta. “This is the 
first Sabbath that has smiled on our new home, and we 
must x0 to church.” 

That proposition does not strike me fav orably,” I 
replied. “Sermons, for the most part, are exceedingly 
dull. You might listen to a dozen of them without getting 
a single joke worth remembering.” 

If at that time I had ever attended any of the Brookivn 
churches my criticism would not have been so harsh. 
“But it is our duty to go to church,” pleaded Augusta. 
“Tt is not only the avenue to heaven, but the avenue to 
society. Besides, our wedding-clothes will never be in bet- 
ter condition than they are now, and I think that even in 
this great city we can attract some attention, and that, too, 
from the very best people.” 

“You are right, my dear,’ I answered, enthusiastically. 
“Tt 7s our duty to go to church, and we shall be the finest 
looking couple there. Let us get ready at once. My wed- 
ding suit is in the valise.” . 


5 (1) 





72 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“Yes,” said Augusta, ‘‘and I am sorry you have noe  ~— 
taken better care of your clothes. They should have beer ; 
removed, unfolded, and hung up, so that the creases would 
be smoothed out.” yy 

“T know that,” I replied ; “ but, for some reason or other, 
I have not been able to unlock that valise since leaving 
Chicago. The key appears twice too large, although when 
I bought the valise, the day before the wedding, it fitted 
exactly.” , 

“Let me try it,’ said Augusta. “ Why, this key was 
never made for this lock,’ she continued. ‘“ Where is the . 
right key ?” 

“Ask me some easy question,” said I. 

Our trunk keys and all the keys we PouseReee were tried 
in succession, but that valise remained obstinate. 

“We have not a moment to lose,’ urged my wife. 

“And not a moment shall be lost,” I responded.” “Se, a 
here goes!” | eg 

The lock was soon broken. . i 

“ What is this?” I exclaimed, taking out a diminutive | 


ree 
% a ee aa 


white garment, heavily embroidered. ; 

“That,” said my astonished companion, “is an infant’s 
long dress!—-and here is another, and another! There 
are four of them!” 

“And what are these?” ie 

“ Baby clothes—more baby clothes! Nothing but baby 
clothes! ” | 

“And what is the meaning if all this? Surely, I did 


Nee NETL Fo mecee: Meee SEA SIE TP! 
ian ORR eae meee ae SN ae ee ot et ey 


Ce EE ERE NE ERO 


not wear these things at our wedding?” 

“The meaning is,” replied Augusta, her voice beginning 
to tremble with the mingled emotions of anger and grief, 
“you have committed an act of inexcusable carelessness. — 












OUR FIRST SUNDAY AT HOME, 78 


Somewhere between Chicago and New York you picked up 
another person’s valise and left your own.” 

“ Now, don’t be too hard on a poor fellow,’ I pleaded. 
“Ts it not barely possible that it was the other person who 
picked up my valise and left Ais? Both of them being 
new, and of the same size and pattern, the mistake might 
easily occur; and I, for one, think it quite proper to exer- 
eise charity toward him.” 


‘‘WHAT ARE THESH?” 





“Now we cannnot go to church,” sadly spoke Augusta, 
“for you have nothing to wear.” 
“True,” I replied; “but would it not be proper te 
expend a part of our sorrow over the little darling for 
whom these new white robes were designed? Who shall 
say that he or she may not find himself or herself in this 
-eold world with nothing to wear—nothing to wear.” 


74 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“Nothing, except the finest suit of broadcloth ever made 
in Chicago,’ ejaculated my companion, showing slight 
symptoms of exasperation. 

“Never mind,” said I. “It is some comfort to know 
that the little darling will not go znto a fit the first thing.” 

“Promise me one thing,’ urged Augusta, solemnly. 

‘What is it, my dear?” 

“That hereafter, for my sake as well as your own, you 
will be more careful, thoughtful, and systematic in every- 
thing you do.” eer 

“ Augusta, dear, you know not what you ask. My whole — 
nature rebels against system. In everything I am origi- 
nal. Take music; when I utter one note nobody can pos- 
sibly predict what note will follow. My life is interesting 
simply because it is rich in surprises. It is a river which, 
having left its muddy channel, is on its way: to glory by _ 
cuts of its own making.” : 

“Such a river, as a river, would do little good and much 
harm,’ cruelly remarked my wife. 

Then we discussed that point. 

Instead of going to church, we had our little conference 
at home. In justice to myself I feel impelled to say, that 
I beat my good wife at every turn in the argument. Still, : 
she would not give up. It was not natural for her to give 
up. In this respect, she was a very peculiar woman. 

“What is to be done with these baby garments?” I 
inquired, just as she had asked me for the seventh time if 
{ would not try to be more thoughtful hereafter. 





She suggested that we present them to the orphan asylum. __ a 


“No,” I answered; “they are too nice for a charitable 
institution. They would make everything else in the house 
look cheap and ugly by compariSon.” 








OUR FIRST SUNDAY AT HOME. , 75 


“ Suppose, then, we give them to some of our neighbors.” 

“That would be better,’ I replied; “only they might 
think we had stolen them.” 3 

“Then why not sell them? Surely we need the money,” 
urged my thrifty companion. 

“No,” said I. “Those goods are too fine to be sacrificed 
at the low figure to be obtained from an old-clothes specu- 
lator. Listen tome. I have a cool-headed proposition to 
“make.” 

“ What is it?” 

“ We will keep them.” 

“Nonsense!” said Augusta. 

We dropped the subject. 

Oh, how many quarrels might be avoided if husbands 
and wives—especially wives—would learn when to drop the 
subject. Social intercourse is no ground on which to fight 
for victories. No sieges should be laid there. “He is the 
true victor who first gives up. To surrender gracefully is 
the height of courtesy and good manners. I have never 
seen a fly that I could not rid myself of by a day or two of 
vigorous warfare against him. The question is, does it 
_ pay to do so much for such a small result? I think of 
this when I am tempted to talk a great deal for the purpose 
ef carrying a point. 

As I said, Augusta and I dropped the subject. 


Se 





CHAPTER VI. 


A FIRE ESCAPE, 


E had been in New York thre months, and our 
affairs were in pretty good shape. Zhe Farmer's — 
Guide was meeting with considerable success, although 
many of its subscribers regarded my most laborious edite-_ 
rials as jokes, and my best jokes as conscientious efforts to 
be solemn. This gave me little trouble, however, so long 
as sufficient money came in to keep me out of debt. | 
At this time we received a letter from our bridal friends, 
Mr. and Mrs. Jewell. They were spending the summer ab 
Long Branch, and sent us a most cordial invitation to come 
+o their hotel, for a week’s visit, as their guests. 

I decided at once that, on account of the pressure of ne | 
ness, we could not accept the invitation. Augusta decided . 
—on instinct, of course—that we could accept it. This 
difference of decision lead to a quiet little talk, in which the 


astonishing fact was brought out that my wife was a little ve 


lonesome, with threatening indications of homesickness. — 

Astonishing, I say; for here we were in a city containing : 
more than twelve hundred thousand souls, besides having a 
home of ourown. Three times a day she could fondly gaze 


on me, and, moreover, I was frequently home from my office - A 


as early as eleven o'clock at night. 


(76) 








A FIRE ESCAPE. CE 


“True, the rich and idle were accustomed to remain at the 
seashore, or on a mountain, during hot weather; but I had 
provided better things for my beloved, inasmuch as she 
eould look daily on the ebb and flow of the East River, 
while occupying a mountainous elevation on the fifth story 
of a costly pile. . 






Still, although centered in these mani- 
. fold advan- 
m7 es tages, she 
had allowed 
herself to 
pine just a 
little. She 
was tired of 


—— 7. 
an) celts Bs, 
CPN S 


, wane’ 
tT Fd 


the walls, 
she said. 
This deplor- 
able mani- 
festation of 
womanly 
infirmity 
surprised 
and grieved 
me. Ihave 
no patience 
with imag- 
inary evils. 
So we continued our quiet little 
talk,and the upshot of it was that 


- A WATER VIEW. 


we both remained bent on haying 
our own way, until, at last, we effected a compromise. 
_ She would go. I wouldn’t. She went. I stayed. 


4 


78 . MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


That night I walked home at the usual hour, intending to 
lose myself in my accustomed sound sleep and pleasant 


dreams. Will you believe it, everything seemed different to 


me the moment [ opened the door of our lodgings. The 


stillness was painful. I lighted the lamp, sat down on the 
edge of the bed, and soon found myself looking abstractedly 


at the pictureless walls of the room. In less than two min- 





ALONE. 


utes I was heartily tired of those walls. In five minutes 1. 
hated them. What my wife had «said in the morning now 


came back to me in such touching plaintiveness that my 
heart was melted. It seemed to me that the-words I had 
spoken to her must’ have been quarried from an iceberg; I 


began to fear she would never come back. In that case, I 


soliloquized, I will not live another day. 















‘A FIRE ESCAPE. 79 


I got into bed, but not to sleep. Ido not know whether 
Iwas a baby or a fool; but I was actually afraid of the 
dark. Almost everything I looked at or thought of made 
me nervous. 

For the first time since occupying those lofty apartments 
T got to worrying about the possibility of a fire breaking out 
in some of the lower - 
stories, and cutting off 
all ways of escape. Why 
‘such a thing had never 
eccurred to me in the 
‘presence of my wife is a 
psychological problem 
which I don’t pretend to 
be able to solve. 

After tossing restlessly 
about for an hour, I ac- 
tually thought I smelt 
smoke. In another min- 
ute it seemed to me I 
heard the roar of flames 
on one of the lower stair- 

ways. Then came sounds 





_ like the crackling of dry | 
5 wood on fire. SMELLING SMOKE. 

Perhaps I was half asleep and partially dreaming. No 
matter. The danger was sufficiently real to bring me out 
of bed rather quicker than I had ever gotten out before. 
Rushing to the door, I opened it and stepped into the 
hall. No glaring flames or clouds of smoke greeting me 
there, I hastened down all the stairs. Having satisfied 
2 myself that fancy had deluded my senses I retraced my 


80 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


steps till I reached my apartments, when I discovered that 
a current of air had closed the door, and that it was fast-— 


ened by the spring lock. I felt for my latch key, which I 
always carried in my pocket. Unfortunately, my pocket 
was in my pantaloons, on the other side of the door. 


If I had had my pools we I could have done some pretty "s 


effective kicking, and 
perhaps broken the lock; 
but I was barefoot. 


a duplicate to my key. 
She was a widow, and 
occupied a little bedroom 
at the end of the hall. 
Lasked myself if I dared 


cided in the negative; 


an hour, I decided in 
the affirmative. 
“Who. is — there¢ 
cried Widow Tootle, in 
AWAKING THE WIDOW. response to my knock, 


her voice indicating that she was frightened half to death. 





I never had the happy faculty of saying just the right “ 
thing at the right moment, especially in a time of pressing | 


emergency; so I answered—I didn’t answer anything; for 
just then I heard an ominous: sound, like the click of a 


It occurred to me that 
the janitress might haye ~ 


to wake her up, and de-- 


but after walking back — 
an forth in the hall for — 





pistol, while the irate ‘Janitress hoarsely screamed, “ Leave ap 


‘shat door this instant, or I will shoot you!” 


- 





~ 


} 





A FIRE ESCAPE. 81 


_ I went away disgusted. 

How I regretted not having gone to Long Branch. I 
thought of starting for it immediately, but there were two 
reasons which had some weight in preventing: First, there 
was no boat or train going out at that time of night. 
Second, I had nothing to wear. 

_Texperienced a most wretched time, waiting for daylight. 





A BARRICADE, 


When, at last, it did come, 1 began to realize that it was 


mot what I wanted. I was afraid of the janitress. 


I heard footsteps approaching. A happy idea struck me. 


2, ‘The next instant, I had crept into a corner and barricaded 


~ 


= ‘more than half of myself behind a rubber door-mat. 


_ The intruder was not the janitress, but the boy whe 
brought the morning papers. To him I explained the 


82 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


situation. He was interested. In consideration of the 


promise of half a dollar, he agreed to neglect his important i, 


duties, to the extent of interceding with Widow Tootle in 


my behalf, and of procuring her duplicate key to my room. — 


This scheme worked satisfactorily. 


The first business to which I attended that a after — 


eating my breakfast, was the purchase of a large coil of 
rope, which I ordered to be placed under the head of my 


bed, to be used, in connection with the window, for a fire- 


escape, in case of need. 


It might be said that ‘this foresight was hrovidentiall : 
for that very night I was aroused from sleep by an alarm. 


of fire which left no room for the play of imagination. 


The very building which I occupied was. actually on fire. 
As I looked out of the window and saw bright sparks — 


madly whirling in the air, and a great volume of smoke 
curling above my head, my heart almost ceased'to beat. _ 
Only one thought possessed me. The rope. In less than 


a minute I had tied one end of it around the radiator, and — 
thrown the other end out the window. Then I began to go 


down, hand over hand. Before I was half way to the 


ground my strength was so much exhausted that I could | 


do nothing but grasp the rope as firmly as possible and let 
myself slide. . : 


The objection to this process was that it left scarcely a_ 


vestige of skin on the inside of my hands. It seemed as 


though my arms would be pulled from their sockets. At | 


last I fell. Happily, however, the distance was not great, 
and happily, too, I had the good fortune to break my fall by 


landing on the head of a policeman. He was indignant 


beyond all reason, and threatened to arrest me for assault 


and battery. 





Pad nl aie 
ea eaten Pilea Sue Le alien 
Li eS amie Lgl Co dais be 








A FIRE ESCAPE. is 83 


“Why didn’t you come down the stairs?” he muttered, 
feeling of a bump behind | | 
his ear about the size of 
a@ goose egg. 

I maintained a digni- 
fied silence. 

_ The fact is, I had not 
thought of the possibil- 
ity of getting down stairs. 

“The fire is all out, 
now,” said one of the 
men. “No harm is done, 
except to a few boards 
on the roof, and the loss 
of the tar which covered 
the tin.” 

The next day, with 
both hands heavily ban- 
daged, I started for Long 
Branch. Started—that is 
all—for at the street door 








whom did I meet but my 














dearly beloved wite. 
“Why did you come 
home so soon?” I in- 








quired. 


























“| was lonesome with- 





























out you,’ she replied. 

















“But, dear me, what is 








the matter with your 
hands?” 

I explained. 
: My dear wife could ASSAULT AND BATTERY. 








84. MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. Ties 


not half laugh for crying, and could not half ery fer 
laughing. | 

We mutually declared we had never before loved each 
other so devotedly as we did then. 

“ Next time we will both go,” said I. as 





STARTING FOR LONG BRANCH. 


“Or both stay,” said she. 

Sometimes we do not know how much ‘ve love our dear 
enes until we are parted from them. The heart needs its 
seasons of fasting as well as the stomach. By being with 
each other continually, our affection has no time to setthe 
down into a mold and take permanent shape. Let a body 








A FIRE ESCAPE. ~~ : 85 


ef water once clarify, we can see all that there is in it. 


The soul must not be too constantly agitated, even with the 
sacred humor of love. Give it Lent and the Good Fridays. 
Let it rest betimes, feeling nothing and cherishing no one, 
until it is half starved. Then it is that the soul can be 
looked into so clearly, that its infinite wealth of affection is 
yevealed. 

- Now is it not singular that Augusta does not agree with 
me even in this? I-verily believe she wants to be loved all 


‘the time—every day of every season—and then she would 


not care if each day was as a thousand years. 


CHAPTER Vik 
A LEGACY. 


BOUT the first of December I received a telegraphie 
: message from Chicago containing elorious news; my 
wife’s uncle, reputed to have been worth two million of 
dollars, had just died. I use the word ‘“ glorious” advisedly, | 
because the message itself asserted that he had “ gone to 
glory.” ; 

We had expected a considerable present from him on the | 
day of our wedding, but our expectations were not realized, 
though he assured us at the time that he had already — 
remembered us very eenerously in his will. And very — 
generously we remembered these words when the news came : 
oi his death.)*.- ees eek 

“Now Augusta,” I said, “we will start life anew. Your 


health is delicate, and therefore you need the most favor- : 


able surroundings that can be afforded.” f 
“ What do you propose?” she inquired. : 
“That we leave bneee miserable rooms on high and vo 

down to earth to live. 3 | 
‘Can we do any better, in our circumstances a asked 

Augusta. 


“This telegram guarantees a ereat improvement in our ne 


circumstances,” I sees 


(86) 








A: LEGACY? 8T 


“T think we had better wait until we ascertain fully what 
disposition my dear uncle has made of his property,” 
remarked Augusta. 

But I could not wait. It is not my nature to wait. 
Before that day’s sun went down I had rented a good two- 
story house on Bleecker Street. From the proceeds of The 
Farmer's Guide, I was able to pay a month’s rent in 





CHRISTINE. 


advance, and buy an oil painting, which I got cheap for 
fifty dollars. 

What astonished Augusta more than anything else was 
that I hired a girl to do the housework. She was a young 
and pretty Swede. Her name was Christine. 

My wife did not say much, but rather intimated that she 
should have preferred making the selection of housemaid 


herself. Women are queer about some things. I really did 
ep <6 





88 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. ; 
the best I could, and picked out the very handsomest girk = 
there was at the headquarters of the Labor Bureau, and still 
my wife was not wholly satisfied. is ae, eS 
We had just got settled in our new home, when a letter Y 
came from the executor of Uncle Jake’s will. He said that ; 
\ 5 
WN i 

, MN 7 
—————— A PA : 
TLR R act 
\\ N Se 
\ 
Nis se 
ue — 
= BESS ad * 
Zs e me <eor “ta 





EXPRESS CHARGES. ‘pe 


the deceased had left to us his entire library, consisting of 
over two hundred volumes. Sa ee a 

Now I happened to know something about that library. 
Uncle Jake had inherited it from his father, who was a ; 


clergyman; and a drier lot of theological literature never Y 





encumbered shelves than were those wretched old books. | 
I advised Augusta not to accept her valuable legacy, bub 





A LEGACY. 89 


to give instructions to have the books burned, in order that 
they might furnish the only light of which they were capable, 
and by whose rays the testator might succeed in reaching 
the far off glory, to which, by way of courtesy, he had been 
consigned by telegraph, at three cents a word. 

Augusta reproved me for making light of so serious a 
matter. But I was not reconciled. I called to mind the 
many goods I had ordered, on the strength of money, which, 
as I told the merchants, was coming from Chicago. 

My wife insisted on receiving the books, so I telegraphed 
at night rates; “send them on.” 

They were sent by express at my expense, and the bill 

amounted to thirty-six dollars and eighteen cents. 
I tried to leave the books on the hands of the Express 
~ Company to cover their charges, but my proposal was 
scorned—as it. ought to have been. The express agent 
finally consented, out of the goodness of his heart, to give 
me time to turn around before compelling me to pay the 
money and take the goods. 

All this tribulation, however, was as nothing compared 
with the trouble that some of those books afterwards 
brought upon us. 


The troubles growing out of the possession of property, 


éompared with the blessings, are as the weeds which grow 
out of the ground compared with the corn. To become 
miserly is to feel poor to the extent of everything we have 
not yet acquired. 

Augusta herself unconsciously condemned her departed 
uncle by quoting approvingly from the Koran: “ When a 


man dies, they who survive him ask what property he has | 


left behind. The angel who bends over the dying man, 
asks what good deeds he has sent before him.” 


CHARTER VTA, 
CHAMPAGNE IN THE WRONG PLACE. 


WEEK before the holidays, a letter came from our 

dear friends, Mr. and Mrs. Jewell, saying that they 
were coming to the city to spend the winter, and that, if 
convenient to us, they would pay us a visit Christmas 
evening. 

This put us—me, at least—in something of a flurry. I 
knew I was poor, but I was anxious to keep up appearances, 
especially before Mr. and Mrs. Jewell. I answered their 
letter immediately, telling them we should be more than 
pleased to see them at the appointed time. Bon 

Mrs. Berkeley suggested that we should provide a few 
simple refreshments for the occasion. 

“What shall we get?” I inquired. 

* “Oh, something inexpensive.” 

“Cake?” I said. 

“Cake and lemonade,” said she. 

That day I bought the lemons; but they were so cheap, 
that it seemed as though I was doing a very small thing in 
not exhibiting more liberality toward one who had extri- 
cated me from a sand-bank. 

The idea struck me that I might as well get something 
that would surprise my wife, and, at the same time, de 
justice to my own grateful feelings. 


(90) 








- ee le ge SO Naar too ie MR Si ee ele SU ee ee en Oe WA 2 aay ba Sd 
ce ct: Press see ao pe manta sal Sy nce a Ro tee! ea 
ea Pane ee ee a i a eT a 
< ae * a. Se x ‘s * . “ * ‘ 


5 CHAMPAGNE IN THE WRONG PLACE. — 91 
The idea grew on me. There is a particular class of 
ideas that always do grow on me with astounding rapidity, 
whenever they happen to get once started in my fertile 
brain. This was one of that class. At first, it presented 
itself as a bottle of cheap wine; then a bottle of medium- 
priced wine; then a bottle of high-priced wine; then two 
bottles; then three; and the end of it was that I bought a 
whole case of the best champagne there was in the store. 
- In order to pay twenty-eight dollars for it, 1 had to pawn 
my gold watch. 

My wife was surprised. In her impulsiveness, she talked 
to me much as though I was a born fool, instead of being 
her legal lord, and the editor-in-chief of The Farmers’ 
Guide. 

I assured her that her head was aching, and that there- 
fore I could generously overlook the somewhat unfavorable 
conclusions to which her invalid condition had unfortu- 
nately given rise in her perturbed mind. 

Then her mind was perturbed. 

The more I said, the more impulsive she became. 

What made the matter worse, in her estimation, was that, 
on the Sunday previous, we had rented a pew in:one of the 
“down-town” churches. (It was about the only thing we 
could get “on time.”) And the minister, the Rev. Saul 
Shepherdskin, who had called at our house the very next 
day, in conversation with Mrs. Berkeley, had expressed 
himself in most emphatic terms against the use of intoxi- 
cating beverages. ‘The proud woman had assured the man 
of total abstinence principles that her husband never drank 

. anything stronger than tea, and would not, on any consid 
| eration, lend encouragement to the terrible vice of intem- 
perance. 


5) ee MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


To which the minister had solemnly replied: 

« Amen.” . 

“Now, Augusta,” said I, “you have no right to allow the 
parson’s conscientious scruples to worry you. He shall 
never know that we have had champagne in the house; for 
I ordered the wine-merchant not to send it here till he had 
taken the twelve bottles out of the case, and wrapped them 

up in such shape that 

no one would have a 

suspicion of the con- 
tents.” 

To this my wife an- 
swered energetically, 
that she could have but 
little respect for one 


th 6 
aA NON 
ie who would sneak be- 
() aig 
OY 


LAF 
, Wy 
Gf. th} 
bees 


i 
A ite 
i hind a petty deception 
to hide his shamefaced 
conduct from the 
world. 
I did not exactly like 
that way of arguing; 
so I told her again that 





she had a dangerous 
REV. age fe teh Cece headaches 

From this, we fell into a quiet little talk of one or twe 
hours’ duration. Finally, my wife yielded to my cool, calna 
level-headedness, as she always yields to the inevitable. 
Her heart is too full of love to hold out forever against any- 
thing. But as to her opinions, I don’t think she ever 
ehanges them. In that respect she is a very peculiar 


woman. 











et eae anor... ae) hae Pn aS ~ Cad ae oe AS si aE Po a —) 
ar Saye Sey TE UP re 5 et A eae *. © ait e 
si ay > ‘ ; ee 


CHAMPAGNE IN THE WRONG PLACE. “ 93 


‘As Christmas drew near, my excellent wife was fully her- 


self again, filling the house with an air of joy. She even 


went so far as to purchase, with a little money of her own, 
a very pretty set of champagne glasses; “for,” said she, “ it 
will not be quite proper for our company to drink out of the 
bottles.” 

The eyening came. 

So did Mr. and Mrs. Jewell. 

We had a jolly time. 

I requested Mrs. Berkeley to bring on the cake and wine. | 

The cake she brought, but reported that the wine could 
not be found. 

“Tt is in that square bundle under the library table,” I 
whispered in her ear. 

She went to the library, but returned in a minute, saying: 
“Tt is not there.” 


Asking my guests to excuse me, I went on a hunting 


expedition for the missing property. It continued to be 


missing. I looked high and low, through every room in the 
house; but in vain. I summoned Christine, and demanded 
of her where she had put the square bundle that had been 
in the library. She declared she had not entered the library 
for a week, and had never seen any bundle there, and knew 
nothing about it. I believed her. She was my own selec- 
tion. My wite gave her a penetrating look, but allowed no 
penetrating word to escape her lips. My wife was a jewel 
of inconsistency. Although she had been so strongly 
opposed to that champagne in the first place, yet now that 
it was gone, and her beautiful glasses must remain unfilled, 
she was as bitterly disappointed as myself. 
Who can understand woman! 
~ During the remainder of the evening our spirits didn’t 


- freely flow. We had rather a dry time. 


~ 





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3 
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CHAMPAGNE IN THE WRONG PLACE. 95 


“Did you say you carried them to him?” asked Augusta. 

‘Yes; I did them up in a bundle, and then waited till 
after dark, so that people would not know I was my own 
earrier, and then took the package to him myself.” 

“Tt is very strange,” said Augusta, “but just before dark, 
last evening, I found a package in the library containing 
just such books as you 
mention; and, thinking 
the package had not 
been undone since it 
eame from Chicago, | 
took out the books, and 
put them on the 
shelves, where they still 
remain.” 

“Then what did L 
take to the minister?” 
Linquired; but the next 
instant we both sprang 
to our feet, and ex- 
claimed: 

“THE WINE!” 

“What did you say 
to him?” inquired my 





wife, the moment her 
subsiding emotion al- 


HOW IT WAS DONE. 


lowed her to speak audibly. 

“T said, ‘Rev. Mr. Shepherdskin, my wife sends her com- 
pliments, and begs you to accept this little token of her | 
regard, not for its intrinsic worth, but for its spirit. She 
has often spoken of your eloquent sermons, and has given it 
as her opinion that they could not have been prepared with- 





96 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


out the aid of just such inspiration as you will find in this 
Christmas present. Good night.” 

‘‘ How could you have said that ?” groaned my wife. | 

‘“‘Hasily enough, my dear. I spent a whole hour compos- 
ing it and committing it to memory.” 

Augusta was too full for utterance. 

There was silence in our house for the space of a minute; 









Zz S 
WG, 
















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THE DELIVERY. 


when I made bold to remark, that “if I had been consulted, 
as I ought to have been, before the package in the library 
was undone, and the books it contained replaced on the. 
shelves, the disgraceful mistake would not have occurred.” 
At this, my wife’s power of speech returned. 
“Tf Thad been consulted,” said she, “as any man of sense 


~ 











CHAMPAGNE IN THE WRONG PLACE. 97 


would know I should have been, concerning the disposition 
of my own books, you would not have had the opportunity 
to disgrace both of us before the world. I can never again 
look the Reverend Shepherdskin in the face, and it is all 
your fault.” 

I do not think that anything I could have said would have 
made Augusta acknowledge that the blame lay at her door. | 
She was in no condition to listen patiently to anything I 
“might say in that direction; so I simply inquired, in a 
kindly and solicitous manner, after her health, and sug- 
gested that she possibly might need the doctor. 

She was so discourteous as to make no reply, and I am 
sorry to state that on other and similar occasions she had 
been guilty of this same incivility. 

We did not attend church the next Sunday, and our 
absence must have been noted by the minister, for early 
Monday afternoon he called on my wife. 

She received him with downcast countenance, and began 
at once to stammer an apology, which must have been very 
ehaotic, for she had no intention of telling the whole truth 
eoncerning our wine transaction. 

“My dear Mrs. Berkeley,” broke in the clergyman, “ you 
~ eouldn’t have sent me a Christmas present that would have 
been more acceptable than that delicious medicine. It is 
just what I needed. At first, I was slightly shocked, 
remembering that I have a reputation to sustain, which is 
dearer to me than the apple of mine eye; but, on reflection, — 
I saw that you were a remarkably discreet woman, and had 
made careful provision for my protection. The manner in 
which the medicine was done up was well calculated te 
deceive the wicked eyes of a scandal-loving world, while the 
eaution which prompted you to place the package in no 


98 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


‘other hands than those of your faithful husband, and not 
even in his until after dark, proved to me conclusively that 
you are an adept in cunning expediency. My dear Mrs. 
Berkeley,” he continued, “ still holding her hand with firm 


grasp, ‘in what way can I ever sufficiently show my grati- 



































HONS WANA We, “Sk ‘rt TH BAN ut 


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i RS i cS. SS eS Ss \ = i i, ; AVY) 
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+ 


oe 


A PASTORAL CALL. 


tude for your generous and ingenious conduct? Besides 


being a Christian, you are evidently a clever woman of the — 


world, which is a most happy combination, at least, in the 
opinion of every wise and politic man. Now, my dear, good 
woman, since we so happily understand each other, we can’ 











; rw 3 i ee eee hae Mt © lh Re em KT a See oy ae ~< 
ag Be Se Bs Eu a Ree a ioe Sic rg ei eae a 
2 AIR GI Rata Tere rae mee We ' ty 


i= 


CHAMPAGNE IN THE WRONG PLACE. 99 


-~ henceforth laugh at society, which must be content to 
remain in ignorance of our mutual secret.” 

“T think I understand you,” replied Augusta, her face all 
aglow with indignation. 

It was the minister’s turn to be ‘confused. 

‘What do you mean?” said he. 

“T mean that you have so far fallen in my estimation 
that I shall never have any respect for you again, and I 

want you to take your departure as quickly as convenient.” 

The crestfallen Shepherdskin went away, wondering more 
than ever how he happened to get the present of that wine ; 
and especially wondering how it happened to come from 
Mrs. Berkeley, who had turned out to be quite a different 
woman from what he had been led to suppose. 

A week later there was a wedding in Mr. Shepherdskin’s 
church, and Mr. Shepherdskin was expected to_ officiate. 
To what extent that expectation was realized, may be best 
ascertained by reference to the city newspapers of next 
day’s issue, where the head-lines were as follows: 


CLERICAL DRUNKENNESS! 


A Weppinc In Hic Lire Broucut Low sy .tHE Maup- 
LIN TALK OF THE Rey. SAUL SHEPHERDSKIN WHILE 
IN A STATE OF INTOXICATION. 


Then followed two or three solid columns of what New 
Yorkers called “mighty interesting reading.” 

My wife was in mental agony, predicting that Shepherd- 
skin would be tried by a church council, and then it would 
come out where he had obtained his wine. 

She was right about it. 

But Shepherdskin was acquitted of any guilt in the 
matter. 


1005" MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


The members of his church, with the exception of the 
immediate friends of the bride and groom whom he had_ 
attempted to marry, stood by him to the last. The acquittal, 
however, was not secured until the church over which he 


TEs 
>a 


Se . 
— 
SOs 
<> 
SY 


iS a) 
id 


SS 


ess 


EES 


[Sx 


6 BY, 
SUM 


UAE 

( AN 

} y Ah 
bf 








TOO MUCH MEDICINE. 


baskets which were ever made could have begun to hold the 
fragments. The verdict of “innocent” seems to have been 
rendered on the ground of mistaken identity. That is te 
say, the parson had innocently swallowed the champagne, 
thinking it was harmless medicine. His friends concluded 





Sey se toe Na ne 
o. £a “ett: oe. st 


Z ve % 
eS te caer 


~ 








CHAMPAGNE IN THE WRONG PLACE. 101 
unanimously that no one was in the least to blame in the 
matter except “that unchristian woman 
who had most shamefully and wickedly 















taken advantage of the holy man, by send- 
ing him, on pretence of friendship, a most 
vile and poisonous decoction.” 

One day, a delegation of six of the 
est-looking women I ever set eyes om 
on Augusta, and, after unroll 
lengthy paper, stated that they had 
to urge her, in view of the late un- 
antness which her loose 


ee 


principles and habits had caused, to sign 
a total absti- 
This was 
wife did not 
of liquor from 
She listened - 


they had to say, until 


nence pledge. 

rich, considering that my 
know the taste of one kind 
another. 
patiently to all 
they began to 
shower their praises on “that dear, good 


man, whose sufferings, on account of the 


wrong that had been cruelly 
put upon him, would yet car- 
ry him to the grave.” I was in the 
kitchen, where I could hear every 
word, and I should have rushed into the 





sitting-room and confronted the 
visitors, for the purpose of de- 
fending my wife, had it not been that I 
felt largely confident that she could de- 
fend herself. This is the way she did it: 

“Ladies,” said she, “ I thank you for 





“ 


102 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


your solicitation on my behalf; but, really, I do not feel the 
need of the reformation which you urge. As to the irre- 


parable mischief of which you seem to think I have been — 


guilty, I feel that I have done nothing worse than to expose 
to the unprejudiced world a canting hypocrite. Those do 





BEHIND THE DOOR. 


the greatest wrong who are determined to see no wrong in 
one whose questionable compliments they have freely allowed 
themselves to receive.” 

The delegation blushed. 


“TY do not know what you are hinting at,” returned one of ~ 


them. 





4 

ad 
Rane eas 
eng eae 


; a y 
Pye! 2 F - Ads 
Mrs! tg Se ee PN 


he 


«£m 





CHAMPAGNE IN THE WRONG ‘PLACE. oe AOS 


“We have heard,” said another, “that you yourself are 
not responsible for the sending of that horrid champagne ‘to 
our dear minister, but that it was. wholly the fault of your 
husband. We hope, for your sake, that the report is true, 
and, in that case, we wish: to see Mr. Berkeley, and labor 
with him, that he may be saved eré it is too late.” 

“You cannot improve my worthy husband one _ iota,” 
answered Augusta, with considerable spirit. “If August 
could have had his way, and if I had not interfered with his 
arrangements, your minister would not have received the 
expensive gift, which he was glad enough to retain, when it 
was his duty, as a man of honor, either to return it, or to 
demand an explanation.” 

“ Oh, how I loved my wife, and how astonished I was to 
hear her taking all the blame to herself, and making me out 
an unblemished angel. I remembered the night when I 
tried to prove that very position to her, and how unkindly 
she took it. Would she admit to my face that I was blame- 
less? Not at all. She would see me blamed first. In this 
respect she was a very peculiar woman. 

Still, when I heard her laying claim to all the wrong that 
had been committed, I felt ashamed of myself. I did not 
want it to go that way. I wonder if man, mighty man, is 
ever inconsistent. 

Here I was in possession of the very thing I had contended 
for, and a more unsatisfactory thing could not be con- 
ceived of. 

_ 1 waited impatiently for those women to go away, and then 
I went into the sitting-room, apparently from out-doors, and, 
without unnecessary delay, took my wife in my arms, and 


kissed her more than twenty times, assuring her between 
¥ ; 








104 ‘MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


times, right out of my heart of hearts, that she never did ees 
wrong thing in her life. eat 
She was astonished. a sos eu 7 ES 
Sometimes I think love is folly ; but when I get right inte sees 
the heart of my wife, and she into mine, there is no heavem  —s_— 


I desire beside. Perhaps the little playful roots of an apple 





AFTER THE STORM. 


tree think they are self-sufficient. But what would they be s 
if the sun were to refuse to shine? Although unseen by a 
them, it is still a constant necessity of their existence. ; 
What sunlight is to subterranean life; woman’s love is to 
the dark and groveling soul of man. 3 





CHAPTER IX. 


PATENT GLAZING FLUID. 


SIcame.out of my office one day, I founda man on 

the sidewalk whose glib tongue was attracting a large 

number of people. He had something to sell which he 

elaimed was the most useful article and the most important 
discovery that had ever been made. 

I am always interested in every new manifestation of 
genius, art, or progress; so I stopped to ascertain what the 
wonder might be. “ Prof. Ldom’s Glazing Fluid,’ was 
what the peddler called it, and-he was oiving exhibitions of 
the marvels which could be wrought with it. 

ei The peculiarity of this remarkable article,” said he, 
_ consists in its being able to give the appearance of new- 
mess to everything which is covered with it. While it is 
itself colorless, it never fails to bring out the coloring of 
other objects to the best advantage. But, ladies and gentle- 
men, this is its least merit. It makes everything absolutely 
water-proof to which it is applied. Here, for instance, is 
my coat, you notice what a beautiful gloss it has. That is 
‘given wholly by the Glazing Fluid. Before the fluid was 
put on, my coat was so faded and shabby in appearance that 
Iwas ashamed of it; but afterwards I proudly wore it to 
the President’s reception, and it was the best looking piece 


ef goods in the capitol of our nation. : 
(105) 


106 | MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. == 


“Observe now what I do with this coat. I dip it into a ae 
bucket of dirty water. Here it goes. Watch me now, IJ 
take it out of the water and give it a few vigorous shakes. ao 
Very good. The coat is as dry and clean as it was before 
the experiment was tried. Examine it for yourselves, ladies 
and gentlemen, in order that you may be convinced that 






there is no deception. 










“Jt is the best protection for 
paint that ever 
was invented. 
Put a coat of it 
on your furni- — 
ture and it will * 
never need re- 


Sa 


== 
= 


‘‘WATCH ME Now!” 


painting. In the western part of this State, it is being 
applied to houses and barns as soon as they are built, before ye 
they are painted at all. What is the result? The build- 
ings thus treated never look old. The boards and shingles 
never change color. The nails_in them never rust. The - Re 
roofs never leak. | ve pat 
“ Still, ladies and gentlemen, I have not yet begun to tell | 
all the marvels of which this invaluable fluid is capable. 
The tedious and old-fashioned process of washing clothes i. 


ay as : } Pee 
~ atk 








PATENT GLAZING FLUID. 107 


is made entirely unnecessary by the use of this Glazing 
Fluid. A man may work on a farm all the week, and on 
Saturday night while on his way to his happy family, stop 
at the brook and renovate his own earments in two or three 
minutes so they will be ready for Sunday. 

“ Now, ladies and gentlemen, you will naturally conclude 
that we do not sell this transcendent article for less than one 





SATURDAY NIGHT BATE. * 


hundred dollars a bottle. It would be equivalent to giving 
it away, even if that were the price. In every bottle there 
‘is the saving of a fortune; yet for the sake of introducing 
this undisguised blessing to the citizens of New York, I 
shall sell it for a short time only, at the insignificant rate of 
two dollars and fifty cents a bottle.” 


108 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


The idea struck me that I would get a bottle. The idea 
grew on me. I might never have another opportunity te : 2 
purchase it for a price so near to nothing. I would get two 
bottles, three bottles. Come to think of it, I had just | 


received ten dollars on account of Vhe Farmer’s Guide, and 
although I had intended to give it to Augusta to buy what 
she called “necessities” with, . a ee Nia eae 







I might just as well spend it 1h 
for four bottles of this rare : 
and inestimable compound, {ij 
and astonish my dear wife. 


VLU eae 


RRS 


or, le » 4 
SSSR RAY 
¥ ‘ \ 


oy. 
aN 


ROSS 
OS 


4 


y, 
Y 
vy, 


My if 


as 


SHE NEEDED THE PEDDLER, 


So I emptied my purse and closed the bargain. : 

The effect on Augusta was considerable, although not 
exactly in accordance with what I had fondly anticipated. 
I utterly failed to inspire her breast with the needful enthn- 


siasm concerning the unsurpassed merits of my new invest- 
ment. She necded the peddler himself to talk to her. I 


x 


wis, 





~ Gick ee | 


ae Te 


RU obese) 









Bs. 
+ 


ia 


* 
Se 





PATENT GLAZING FLUID. ' 109 


believe he could have moved and melted the snow-bank in 
her soul. ; | 
However, I succeeded at last in interesting her. I showed 
her how cloth could be glazed and made perfectly water- 
proof by a single application of the fluid. 
: ‘That is very well,” said she, “as 






far as it goes, 
but you will 
find that there 
is something 
wrong with the stuff.” 

“ You are blindly pre- 
judiced,” I replied. 

“JT am prejudiced,” 
said she, “against spend- 


ing money foolishly when 


“ 







%, 


a ' 

, ois Xx 

ae 8, 

Mya, 0 
es tay, 


ji, we must be constantly 


2, 
% 


| deprived of what is re- 


STN 





ag ete, 


ally needful to a decent 


ey, 
ba 
— 


SS 


oa 


home.” “You are not 


ANd, feeling very well to-day,” 


Vilas 






I answered in sympa- 
€ | thetic tones, as I con- 
ot Migs eA cry tinued plying the brush 
while I glazed the hair-cloth sofa so that it might be washed. 

Augusta had a spell of golden silence, which gave me 


plenty of time to bring out my new silk hat and smear it 





all over, inside and out, with the peerless fluid. 

I repented directly after it was done, for it looked like a 
veritable Russia-iron stove-pipe. But I consoled myself 
with the thought that it would shed water and would never 


have to be pressed or cleaned. 





110 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


That evening I put on the hat and went to Cooper Institute : 






where I was engaged to deliver a lecture on Cucumbers ~ 


before the Farmers’ Club. Arriving at the audience-room a 


little late, I hurried in, and did not attempt to remove my _ 


hat until I had reached the rostrum. The word “ attempt” 


RED WITH WRATH. 





is very appropriate, for ~ 


that hat stuck fast to the 
hairs of my head. I 


pulled at it until the rim 


was broken, and large 
bunches. of hair were 
loosened at the roots, and 
my face was red with 
wrath, but all in vain. 
Then I began to lecture 
on the cool and refresh- 
ing subject of Cucumbers, 


- with my hat on; but — 


somehow the audience 


far more attention to my 
head-covering than to my 
soul-stirring utterances. 
At last, the presiding 
officer was so discourte~ 
ous as to interrupt, me, 


and to ask aloud if I had not forgotten the usual respect 


a 


was perverse and gave 


which a lecturer isin bounden duty to manifest toward his — 


hearers. 


My first impulse was to explain the matter; but I dreaded 


> 


more than all things else, the uproarious laughter which those — 


lusty farmers would pour forth; and, besides, I was afraid 


We r 





<> ‘PATENT GLAZING FLUID. 111 


that the explanation might lower me in their favorable opin- 
ions, and thereby seriously affect the subscription list of the 
Farmer's Guide. 3 ota 

So I begged the president to allow me to present my 
apologies to the intelligent audience, which I did in these 


truthful words ° 


LUG OHUE 


I O% 


a 


eae <H 
ZZ. <> 
SEP 
Z LF 
pe Ue, 


= 


S8 = > 
SESS 
5 = cSS = 
WWEOOON 
SSS 
SSS 





THE SADDEST MAN IN NEW YORK. 


~ 


“Gentlemen, I am fully aware that it is a great breach of 
etiquette for me to appear before so refined an audience as 
this with my head covered. No one feels more keenly the 
deep humiliation of that breach than I, myself. Nothing 
but stern necessity compels me to submit to it. But you 
must believe me, gentlemen, when I assure you positively 


_ that so long asT remain under the orders of my present _ 


~ 


4 


Tate) 


412 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


physician it will be absolutely impossible for me to remove 
my hat. And I don’t want to be slandered,’ I added — 
hotly, as I heard one man tell another, that probably I had 
eontracted a humor in my scalp. : 
“Didn’t you notice how excited he got trying to scratch : 
his head when he came in?” inquired another in a hoarse 
whisper, which sound- — 
= ed to me almost as 
loud as a_ steam- 
whistle. 

Then there was 
whispering and snick- 
ering all through the | 
audience.- How could 
I do justice to cucum- 
bers under:such cir- 
cumstances? I was. 
cast-down. I closed 
my lecture abruptly 
and started for home, 
the saddest man in 
New York. ee 

This, I soliloquized, 
‘ig nothing more nor 





| less than my unha : 
AROUSING THE INMATES. J PPY sa 


ee fate, my miserable 
luck ; for how could I have foreseen that the Glazing Fluid 
would, under the influence of heat, act as a strong glue. 
The peddler never said a word about its getting terribly 
adhesive when warmed.” | 

Reaching home, I was compelled to make use of the door- 


bell, for Mrs. Berkeley had somehow become possessed of 


~ 








PATENT GLAZING FLUID. 1138 


the absurd notion that it would be better for her to retain 
my night-key and admit me herself. , 

This arrangement was very unsatisfactory to me, especially 
as she was accustomed to fall asleep in her chair, or on 
the sofa, and it was no easy task to awaken her. 

On this particular occasion, she must have been sleeping 
pretty soundly, for it was not until I had pulled the door-bell 
knob half-way down the door-steps that I received any 
| response from within. When it did come, however, it was 
something terrible. Augusta was evidently in trouble. I 
heard her calling for help, which agonized me because I 
eould not fly to her rescue. Perhaps she is dreaming, I 
thought. I called to her at the top of my voice to tell me 
what was the matter. 

“T don’t know,” said she, ‘“‘something is holding me down 
to the sofa.” | 

In an instant the truth flashed across my mind. She had 
been lying on the sofa, and that diabolical Glazing Fluid 
was holding her down with a grip that could not be loosened. 

“Come and let me in,” I said, simply because I could not 
think of anything else to say. | 

“Tam held fast from head to foot,’ she responded, and 
then continued to talk, but I could not make out a word she 
said. 

Perhaps it is-just as well that I could not, for she had 
thought about the Glazing Fluid, and was expressing her 
- epinion about it, and about me. 

“Cant you bring the sofa on your back and let me in?” 
I demanded. 

The silence which followed became painful. So was the 
eold, night air. Finally 1 could endure the situation no 
longer. I broke through a window and entered the house. 





et MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. ~ 


The falling glass woke upa policeman, and he came in great 

haste to arrest me for house-breaking. I had no great diffi- 
culty, though, in explaining things to his entire satisfaction. 
The real difficulty began when I turned my attention to my 
wife. She was in straightened circumstances, and much 
cast down. Nothing but a pair of shears could bring her 





CAUGHT IN THE ACT. 


relief. When I had finished using the instrument her dress: 

was hopelessly ruined. , a g 
To Augusta’s unspeakable disgust, I went to bed that 

night with my Sunday hat on. Peet sais’ 
The last thing I heard her say was: 


“T told you so!” 
The end was not yet, however. One day my wife took it 





A 


- "es bit ; - 
PATENT GLAZING FLUID. my ESS 


into her head to sce what she could do with that Glazing 


Pe Plnid. ©: 


She suspected Christine of entertaining a beau in the 
kitchen at unseasonable hours of the night, and of using up 
more oil than our circumstances would justify. 

Christine made three denials : First, she hadn’t any beau. 
Second, he never stayed late. Third, the light was always 
turned down so low that no oil was consumed. 


SHUI 
ths ‘t 
SRO 


oan, 
ov, 


a 


aa 


omens 


RN 
AA 2 Ae \ way 


— 
—s. 


ae 





PUIN 
Dee Ps 
Lap ora ee SA 
cme mae ES 
Sa 





: nf iyo SH 
ie Bt 
ty, 


ay 
OU, 
Vii 
Mh WY, 


bY Vah) \ ER 
ANS 


‘ 


MRS. BERKELEY RELIEVED. 


Mrs. Berkeley had put her 
| foot down against kitchen 
courtship, and she was determined now that her foot should 
be respected. 

_ Without consulting me, or letting me into the secret, as a 
faithful wife should have done, she took the skirt of Chris- 
tine’s evening dress and carefully prepared it with Prof. 


Edom’s mixture. 





116 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


That very evening after tea, and while Christine was pute 
ting away the dishes, I happened to stroll into the kitchen, 
as I often did, it being a comfortable place in cold weather, — 
and politely asked the comely girl if anything was needed 
in the culinary department. : : is 

“Nothing special,” she replied, “only I would like to 
have the curtain roller fixed go I can pull down the cur. 
tain, because the family across the area are ae looking — 
in here to see what they can discover.” : 

I recognized the wisdom of this ane ee and at once 
got the step-ladder, and held it while Christine mounted it 
in order to repair the roller. 

Just as she had reached the top, one of the hinges broke, 
and the ladder suddenly collapsed, causing the girl to come — 
down with sweeping effect. Somehow, I was knocked over, 
and, in trying to get up, I discovered that the terrified and 
fainting girl was leaning against me for support. — 

I felt that I was in some measure responsible for her fall, 


and it was clearly my duty not to drop her on the floor. — 


Her fainting spell was of somewhat longer duration than 
T had expected, and, meanwhile, all unknown to me, that m 
Glazing Fluid on the woman’s dress was doing its work.: 

After awhile, just as the fainting spell was over, we heard 
Augusta approaching. Christine and I undertook to move 
apart only to discover that we were bound fast to each other 
by the skirt of her dress and the tail of my coat. Mrs. 
Berkeley entered the room just at the moment when we 
were making the most desperate efforts to free ourselves. 

I knew that I should be obliged to say a great deal in 
order to explain the situation satisfactorily to my wife, but — | 
for the life of me, I could not decide what to say first; so I 
simply stammered and blushed. 








PATENT GLAZING FLUID. 117 


Christine also stammered and blushed, which conduct 


~ made matters no better. 


“Leave this house instantly!*? demanded Augusta, in 
stern accents, addressing herself to the trembling girl. 
How she could leave, right off, without taking me with 


a 


tH //feee eee, 
if oe ll 
Ss 
LE D 
ches L tet 


— 





- - s- BUSINESS IN THE KITCHEN. 


her, is a problem that Augusta had not stopped to solve; 
but after much trouble, and the final cutting of one of the 


‘garments, we were separated—Christine and l—and then 
my wife and I had a quiet little talk of four or five hours 
in length. : | 








118 MY WIFE’S FOOL, OF A ieee 32 Gee 


The case was not nearly SO hard to manage as” peas 
feared. I told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but 
the truth; and the. result was that Augusta, confessed that 
she believed every word I said, and had not for an instant — 
lost any confidence in me. The inexplicable thing is, ‘onal 
she could not forgive Christine. From that day forth she Ai 


never had a kind word or look for the beet girl, who became ea 


a victim to circumstances. | 

So are we all, victims. When tro. ‘men can meet and 
exchange characters, as they would swap hats, T will believe \ | 
in the wonderful potency of free will. Some one Says, 
“ Character is very much a matter of health.” It is very 
much a matter of ten thousand surroundings,—including 
step-mothers, step-ladders, and patent glue. (oO Ree 

It is objected that all punishment is unjust unless man. tee 
complete master of himself. Why then is not all suffering 
unjust when it is inflicted on innocent children and born 
blunderheads? If punishment Is simply vindictive, having — 

sole reference to what one has committed, it is unjust ; but 

if it is Heaven’s means of fitting the soul for a higher life, : 
and if it looks only to the future, we have no 10 right to com- és 
plain. Neither has ives poor girl! 









Para etre eee Re ey poe RCS eee ie Peo Rr eRe TeY 


j AOE Sarseaty Gea 


™~ 


CHAPTER X. 
FAMILY RESPONSIBILITIES. 


HRISTINE went away from us before a great while. 
_ A day or two afterward, we received a note from 

Mr. Jewell, informing us that his brother’s wife had just 
died, leaving an infant which needed immediate care, and 
asking us if we would take charge of it until such time as 
its father could make other arrangements. 

“Qertainly we will,” I said to Augusta. 

“For certain reasons, I think we had better not,’ replied 
Augusta. “We are in no proper condition to take extra 
burdens upon ourselves, and we could not do justice to the 

child’s bringing up.” 
Nobody could bring it up better,” I insisted. 
- But Augusta remained firm, although we had a long, 
quiet talk on the subject. At last, I told her that I would 
take it, even without her consent, and that it should be my 
baby. 

“In that case,” said she, “you will have sole care of it, 
night and day. You will feed, wash, and dress it, stop its 
3 crying, rock it to sleep, give it medicine when sick, keep it 
tidy, attend to its clothing, and do the one thousand other 


: things which its comfort and safety will constantly require.” 


I quailed. - = 
ne"8 ; (119) 


* 77 Bs BN ey “ "y 4 TF Pea 1 
Oey ) ¥ a Sie ee 





120 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“‘T suppose you think you would be doing your duty as a 
faithful wife, in putting all that’ responsibility on your hus- 
band?” 

“T think,’ she replied, “that any husband who would 
bring a baby into the house against all reasonable protests 
would not deserve a faithful wife.”’ 

I quailed again. But fortune came to my relief. An 
event occurred which accomplished more than argument. 
The next mail brought a letter from Chicago, saying that 
my wife’s sister had just died, leaving a little girl two years 
old, not only motherless, but fatherless. 

Augusta had a long spell of crying, during which I made 
every effort to soothe her. 

“ Your dear sister is better off,’ I said. ‘She will not 
be sick any more, nor have any more pain; for, as the Good 
Book says, ‘the old thing has passed away, and everything 
has become new.’”’ 

Then I kissed her; but she neglected to show that little 
favor to me in return. 

The first thing she said was, “ August, it is my duty to 
send for that little orphan girl; for there is no one else 
whose plainer duty it is to stand in the place of her own 
devoted mother.” 

“ What definite action do you propose to take in that 
quarter?” I asked, with some austerity of manner. 

“T shall telegraph at once,” she answered, “that I will 
take the child.” 

“Umph!” exclaimed I, pretending to be never so good- 
natured. ‘When did the unfortunate husbands who inhabit 
this glorious land of liberty lose the poor right of being 
consulted in the important business of adopting a girl 
baby ?” 








FAMILY RESPONSIBILITIES. 121 


“Oh, I knew you would not object,” said she, “and I 
intended to consult you, all the time.” 

‘¢T don’t want to be consulted all the time, and therefore 
I will say, most emphatically and at once, that I do object.” 

Augusta was astonished. 

“Object to taking my dear departed sister’s sweet little 
orphan?” she exclaimed. 

“ Most decidedly,” I replied. 

“ Why, August, I never knew you to act so contrary 
before.” 

“T learned it from you.” 

“ What have I done to offend you?” she inquired, with a 
pained expression. 

“ You would not let me have the little Jewell baby.” 

“ August, do you really want that child?” 

“Certainly Ido. Did not Mr. Jewell rescue me from a 
terrible death, and restore me to your waiting arms? Have 
you lost all sense of gratitude, that now you refuse to com- 
ply with his most simple request ?” 

“You are right, August. I was too, thoughtless. We 
will take the helpless infant, and do the very best we can 
by it.” 

“‘ And your sister’s sweet little babe shall come and keep 
it company,” I responded joyfully. 

Thus did we compromise our differences; and my wife 
paid up all the kisses she owed me, and more too. 

Both babies came. 

Weeks passed. ; 

Just here I ought to begin a new chapter, but I can’t 
wait. I must tell it now. 

Twins! 

A fact. 





—_— 
=*s5 
x 











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fond of children.” 





~ 


cep 
FAMILY RESPONSIBILITIES. : te 


Shortly after this, a paragraph appeared in a rival news- 
paper, saying that the editor of The Farmer’s Guide had 
founded an infant asylum at No. — Bleeker street, where 
he would ney receive any baby that might be sent to him. 

= Little did I realize at the 
=== time of it what effect those 









odious lines would produce. 
In less than a fortnight, 
_ seven unclaimed babies ar- 
rived at our house by mid- 








NO. — BLEEKER STREET. 


night carriers, who left no bill of express charges. Five of 
these we sent to a Home for Infants, but the other two 
were retained, because small sums of money had been left 


with them for their support. 





124 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“We are in great need of this money,” said I to Augusta, 
“and as the two babies who brought it are both very bright 
and healthy in appearance, I advise keeping them, by all 
means.” ; 

At first, Augusta impulsively objected, saying that we 
already had more family than we could support. 

“ But,” argued I, “ many a time I have heard a boarding- 
house keeper say that if she had to keep boarders at all, she 
would just as soon have two or three more as two or three 
less. And any cook will tell you that one or two extra 
mouths at the table make no perceptible difference in the 
meal-barrel. Moreover, didn’t we hear Robert Collyer say, 
in his lecture on Clear Grit, that ‘nobody should be afraid 
of having too many children to provide for, because the 
good Lord never sends mouths without sending something 
_ nice to put into them ?’” 

Augusta did not seem to be convinced ; but as she was 


not strong enough to argue with me, it was not long before 


she felt resigned to the logic of my cool, calm level-head- © 


edness, and the question was settled. 

That afternoon, | met my friend Jewell on the street, and 
he inquired anxiously after his brother’s motherless child. 

“ Qh,” said I, “we have six.” 

“Six what?” he inquired. 7 

“Six children, all babies,—four boys and two girls, or 
else four girls and two boys. I am not sure which.” 

Jewell was astonished. 

I love children dearly, and imagine I know just how to 
train them so that when they grow up they will not depart 
from it. I realize that pretty much everything which is to 
be done in behalf of the man must be executed while he is 


a boy. 





= 
a 
. 





FAMILY RESPONSIBILITIES. . 125 


The Andes have been raised up from an ocean-bed, for 
sea-shells are found on them at an elevation of fourteen 
thousand feet. So it is with the human being. He may 
rise to Alpine heights, but he must take with him the shells, 
beautiful or otherwise, of his early existence. The geolo- 
gist reads earth’s childhood in fossil rocks. In the brain of 
every adult are the fossil influences of babyhood. 


CHAPTER XT. 
SUPPLIES FOR THE FAMILY. 





S soon as Augusta was well enough to sit up, she and 

the nurse put their heads together and made out a — 

list of articles that were immediately needed in the house. 

Never had I so fully realized that I was a man of family as 

when I looked at that list. It was as dong as the moral 
code. 

“TI beg of you,” pleaded Augusta, as I left the door, “ that . 
- you will not make any foolish bargains, for it will require 
the closest figuring to make the money hold out until the ‘ 
necessary purchases are made.” . 

“T hope,” said I, impetuously, “that you do not recur 
me as one of one six babies, that you deem it needful to give — 
me this advice.’ I may be a little backward in some things, 
such as far-fetched theories concerning the origin of man 
and justification through faith; but when it comes to the 
practical business of doing a little trading, I do not thank 
any one for intimating that I am a horse-block.” tee 

Augusta said no more. She saw the force of my remarks. 

Little did I think as I shut the door and went proudly 
forth on my mission, that unfortuitous circumstances would 
so conspire against all my preconceived purposes that I 
should come home a few hours later with a speckled dog, — 


a pair of “ diamond” ear-rings, and little else. ety 
(126); 








ae SUPPLIES FOR THE FAMILY. 127 


T was persuaded to buy the dog because I came to believe 
I needed him for protection against other people’s blessings, 
of whom such is the kingdom of heaven. I was determined 
that the tide of immigration which had undertaken to flood 
me with a mixed multitude of infants should be stayed, 


=<) 


2a 


om 


f 
j 








even if it took a speckled dog » 
= S to stay it. 





Then I thought he would 
be company for Augusta dur- 


ine lone, lonesome evenings 
GOING ON A MISSION. 8 ©? 85) 
when I should be detained by 





business at the office. I expected nothing but that she 
would go into ecstasies over him, and shower us both with 
caresses, the minute she should set eyes on him. 

He looked lank and hungry, so the first thing I did when 
I had paid the seven dollars and a half purchase-money for 
which he was sacrificed, was to stop at a meat market and 


128 _ MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. : 





get him twenty-five cents worth of porter-house steak. He 
seemed very grateful for this, and it put new life into his 
wageing fixture. 

My next thought was to regain my watch, which I had 
been obliged to leave at a pawn-shop. The time in which it 
could be redeemed was_near- 
ly out, and I knew the babies 
would need it, for the doctor 
had already left orders for 
some of them to take medi- 
cine every half-hour, . not 





knowing that we were out of 
half-hours, having no. time- 
piece to make them with. 
The hooked-nosed pawn- 
broker turned out to be a 
first-class fraud. He had taken 


the new and excellent works 





STRIVING FOR NEW LIFE. 


from my watch-case and put old and worthless ones in their 
place. Although I knew this to be so I had no legal way 
of proving it, and therefore he had me in his power. 

I threatened to prosecute him, but he only laughed me in 
the face. I made up my mind then and there, that | would 








SUPPLIES FOR. THE FAMILY. 129 


get even with him by any means, fair or unfair, that human 
ingenuity could devise. 

While I stood parleying with him, a gentleman entered 
the shop and became interested in our conversation. 

After a while he drew me aside and whispered in my ear: 
“Sir, lam a stranger to you, but, begging your pardon, I 
will venture to give you a little advice. Let that sharper 
alone. I know him of old. He will cheat any man blind. 
who deals with him.” 

** But he has stolen my watch,” said I. 

“Ts it entirely gone?” inquired the stranger. 

“ No, I have the same cases back again.” 

“Then,” said he, ‘‘ you are extremely lucky, and ought to 
thank your stars you have saved so much.” 

“Tam bound to get even with him,” I replied, my voice 
tremulous with indignation. 

“You will do better to let that job out,’ remarked the 
stranger. “Never a victim yet has succeeded in getting 
even with him. The more one attempts it the nearer the 
poor-house one gets. Of course you can do as you think 
best,” he added, after a pause, “but if you should make the 
attempt and fail, you will not think the less of me for 
having intruded on your good-nature to the extent of warn- 
ing you of your danger.”’ 3 

“ Certainly not,’ I replied. “ You have acted the perfect 
gentleman. You must excuse me, however, if I suggest 

-that there is a certain quality in my nature of which you 
are pardonably ignorant. I will not be imposed on by any 
one. lam not a marine, that I should be made a dupe of 
by land-sharks. No, no; mark my words! I will get even 
with this miscreant.”’ 

He looked at me sorrowfully, and we both turned to leave 





130 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


the shop. On the way to the door he stopped before a glass - 
show-case, and called my attention to some precious stones 
exposed for sale. ae 

“Now look here,’ said he. ‘As an example of the 
manner in which this man swindles the public, here are 
these so-called diamonds. I happen to be a connossieur 
in this class of goods. _ I have been an importer of diamonds 
for. fifteen years, and know the genuine from the spurious 
at a glance. ‘Those ear-rings that are marked thirty-five 
dollars, are nothing but composition, and worth just three 
dollars. That pair marked fifty-four dollars are Scotch 
pebbles, and could be bought of any respectable dealer for 
seven dollars.” 

“What about those?” I inquired, pointing to a oe of 
brilhants marked four hundred dollars. 

“Those,” answered my informer, “ are real diamonds, and 
would be worth all that is asked for them if it were not that 
they have some little flaws, which, however, might never 
be detected except with a magnifying glass. As it is, they 
are not worth over a hundred and fifty dollars. At Tiffany’s 
they would be put on the market at a hundred and seventy- 
five. Marking them at four hundred is decidedly cheeky, 
and requires a cast-iron conscience. But some day a con- 
ceited fellow, who thinks he knows all about Jewing, and 
that nobody can get up early enough in the morning to get 
ahead of him, will come in and offer two hundred dollars 
for those stones. After the broker has pooh-poohed and 
whined and cried and lied for about half an hour, he will 
put on a most dejected look, and tell the conceited fellow 
that, although two hundred dollars is far below their cost, 
as can be seen by examining the bill of lading, yet, consid 
ering that the broker’s wife is sick, and the doctor has 











SUPPLIES FOR THE FAMILY, | 131 


ordered her to be sent to the Springs, the brilliants 


~” must 20. \ 


- “Then the conceited fellow will laugh in his sleeve, pat 
himself on the back, and say, ‘ What a smart boy am I!’ 

“ Don’t trade at this shop,” concluded the stranger; “ that 
is my advice. Good morning.” He turned to go, when 


Se ee 


wis 


Ne 


i 
{ 
NW 


SS 


4 ‘“‘L00K HERE?” 


— 


his eye fell on a little hole in the show-case, caused by one 
of the settings of glass having had its corner broken off. 

3 “Do you know,” said he, “that a dishonest person might | 
take advantage of that defect to defraud this broker ?” 

“ How so?” I inquired. “The hole is neither large 


ow 





amie gt 


132 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


enough for a person’s hand to be thrust in, nor for any of 
the jewelry to be taken out.” 3 

“True,” said he, “ but look here.” 

So saying, he picked up a piece of wire which chanced 
to be lying on the counter, and running it through the hole 
in the show-case, dexterously exchanged the tags marked 
respectively thirty-five dollars and four hundred dollars, so 
that the genuine diamonds were now offered at the figures 
which had stood for the artificial. He then laughed in a 
merry way at the joke he had. executed, and after politely 
bidding me good-day again, left the store. 

Suddenly a great temptation seized me. It grew on me. 
I had vowed vengeance on the man who had stolen my 
watch. Now was my opportunity. I would tell no false- — 
hood, I would not purloin, I would not violate any statutory 
law, or break any commandment of Scripture. I would 
simply make a purchase, and pay the price demanded. 

The broker, who, all this while had been very busy at his 
desk in the other end of the store, now came forward, and 
in a most obsequious manner inquired if there was anything 
he could do for me. 

“Do you sell everything at the price marked on its tag?” 
I asked, trying to look innocent, while my heart was beating 
like a blacksmith’s sledge. Perhaps it was ashamed of me 
and was trying to make its escape. 

“Yes, sir; we have but one price, and that is plainly put 
down,’ answered the pawn-broker. 

“ Will you let me look at those diamonds marked thirty- 
five dollars?” said I, my voice acting as though it had not 
been moistened for a week. 

“Hlegant gems, and worth a good deal more money!” 
exclaimed he, taking out the ear-rings which had formerly 
been marked four hundred dollars. 





_ SUPPLIES FOR THE FAMILY. 133 


y What is the lowest I can have them for, and close the 
bargain instantly ?”’ I demanded, beginning to feel as hot as 
though the fires prepared for my lost soul had just been 
replenished with an extra barrel of pitch. 

“Do you see those figures?” curtly replied the broker. 
“Do you think I placed them there for amusement? They 
mean that I will sell those valuable diamond ear-rings for 
just thirty-five dollars ; not one cent more, and not one cent 
less. Take them if you want them; if you don’t, leave 
them ; it is all the sameto me.” And he was just replacing 
them in the case when I cried out: 

“T’lltake them! Here is your money.” 

1 hurried out of the store as though pursued by a flaming 
sword. 

If any one thinks I was happy he has made a miscalcula- 
tion. I didn’t even dare to look my speckled dog in the 
face. I was afraid of his honest bark. | 

In analyzing my conflicting emotions I discovered that I 
was very proud of what 1 had accomplished, and that out 
of that pride came a kind of satisfaction.. I had done what 
my adviser, the stranger, assured me could not be done, and 
that was worth something. 1t tickled my vanity. 

Still, there was something wrong lying around loose in 
my better self; and as near as I could judge, it was about 
the size of a millstone, and about as rampant as a mad 
bull. . 

My dog began to pull furiously on the cord by which I 
was leading him. At first I thought he was anxious to go 
back to his former master; but then I knew this could not 
be his purpose for he was pointing in an opposite direction. 
I had often read of dogs being possessed of wonderful instinct 
or reason, even to the extent of leading their owners to the 





es Ros. 
Sct 


hat: 





134 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


discovery of lost treasure; so, to satisfy my curiosity, I let 
him take me according to his own sweet will. 5 | 
The place to which he brought me, with no unnecessary 
delay, was the meat market, where. I had purchased the 
steak for him but a short time previous. I admired his 
sagaciousness so much that I ordered a half dozen pork 


WS 


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DAL LILA LLL [Ee NEN 
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Hi 


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cos 


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7 oh GIA 
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HIS OWN SWEET WILL. } 


chops, which he gulped down before I could get them paid , 


for. I began to surmise that my speckled cur was blessed 


with a good appetite. This, I consoled myself, would save | 


the expense of spring bitters. 


Passing by Tiffany’s, it occurred to me that I would just 
run in and get an official statement of the value of my ear- 


rings. | : 















SUPPLIES FOR THE FAMILY. 135 





The clerk to whom I handed them for inspection, put a - 
magnifying glass to his eye, looked at them for an instant, : | 
and remarked : 

‘| hope, sir, you are not one of the innocents! ” 

“T do not feel particularly innocent,” said I. 


a, VL Ze 
g YE SITLL 


SOPTIZLL 


Os 
Mh 


Wiis 


THE LATEST TRICK. 


XY .' 
WW (= 
——— 
M ; \\ 7, 
I iv i Wi 
N ef Wi 
hie) Salle 





‘¢ Have you heard of the latest trick which the confidence 
men are playing i? 

“No,” I replied, “but I have not lived in large cities all 
my life not to know a confidence man when I see him, no 
matter what his trick is.” 


Tk Oh, of course it catches nobody but greenhorns from 
| 9 


i ig 


136 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


the country, but you would be surprised to know how many 
victims there are. They come in here every day with just 
this kind of jewelry and ask me to examine it. Sometimes 
they go away swearing mad when I tell them it is bogus and 
not worth taking home.” . 

‘“‘ How is the trick managed ?” I inquired, trying to con- 
ceal my emotions. | 

“Very cleverly,” answered the clerk. ‘The shop-keeper 


has a confederate, who comes in at the opportune moment — 
and pretends to hold the shop-keeper in supreme contempt. 3 


In a disinterested sort of way he urges you not to trade 
in that store. He sécures your confidence. JI mean the 


confidence of the verdant countryman whom he intends to 


m2 





victimize, and then. 
“ Give me those ear-rings!” I demanded angrily. “Iam 


going home.” 


As the clerk handed them to me, I observed a knowing 


look lighting up his countenance and a diabolical smile play- 
ing about his open mouth. 

I knew he saw through me, and I felt cheap—cheaper than 
the ear-rings. 

On the way home my speckled dog took it into his head 
to haul off again toward the meat-shop. It cost me a pang 
or two to deny him. If I had had any money left, nothing 
would have given me greater satisfaction than to have 
bought him a fresh ham, a shoulder of mutton, a leg of veal, 
or a nice string of sausages. I liked my dog, and I. have 
every reason to think he liked me, even to the extent of 
over-estimating me. The value at which*l held myself grew 
less and less as I approached home. 

Meeting my wife was a painful ordeal. 


As I entered the sick chamber, dragging my speckled cur 








4 aaa Lae te Bere Ae ee Se MY READ Fg De PA ee 
se Bite ifs Sh Bana PERNAF REC L WK ROC RT 
Eel ey Be a Meee ‘ < 

gat a Leal 


4, Pit 





SUPPLIES FOR THE FAMILY. 137 


after me, Augusta turned toward me with a wearied look, 
but with eyes full of love, and said: 

.“Q! August, I am so glad you have come. Ask the 
nurse if she will be kind enough to put the things you have 
bought into the pantry and then set the table for dinner. 
You must be hungry. Come and stay by me a little while. 


3 
See 
va 7 Pa 





AUGUSTA’S RECEPTION. 


I don’t feel so well to-day. The doctor says I have taken a 
little cold, and he is alarmed about my fever. Your hand 
feels so cool and nice on my forehead. You are a dear good 
man. Who lent you that big hungry-looking dog? Please 
don’t take him home yet. I want you to stay with me. I 
have felt so lonesome to-day, and I love you so much. Let 
your face nestle right against mine now while you tell me all 





ADT Ge SO EERE EEE ee 


Pe 


138 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


. 


about your shopping and how you managed to make the 
money hold out. You don’t know how sorry I feel for you 


when I think of you having to be deprived of so many things — 


you want. I must have been very weak and nervous to-day, 
for I cried real hard remembering all your struggles and 
See gee g < ; and then I prayed for you, and I thanked 
the dear Father in Heaven 
OS that you are such a good 
: man, so upright and hon- 
orable and conscientious, 
and I asked him to make 
me more deserving—” 


ed, jumping up and turn- 


> minute! I rather you 
would curse me as I de- 


way ! {? 
“ Have Foffended you?” 





COALS OF FIRE. 


genuine alarm? “You 
must forgive me August. I did not mean to hurt your 
feelings—truly I did not, but I am so careless; I am always 
saying something I ought not to.” | 7 


“ Augusta!” I cried, and then my voice became choked ~ 


and I could not give utterance to another word. 


She saw that I was overcome with grief, and so, making @ 


great effort to be cheerful, she said: 


“* Augusta,” I exclaim-— 
ing my face away to hide — 
the tears which I could 


no longer force back. “I © 
can’t endure this another 


serve than to talk this 


she asked in a tone of- 












SUPPLIES FOR THE FAMILY. 139 


«¢ August, you must not think I am going to die. As 
soon as this fever passes I shall be a great deal better. 
You know what a strong will I have, and I am going to will 
myself to get well,—even for your sake.” 

‘Thank you,” saxl I, ‘and for your sake, lam going te 
try to be more worthy of the best woman in the world.” | 






Soe F 
fs os sf 





SSN 


= SS = 


~ 


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ety 


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- Ws 


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fia PAA 
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if | Brae 


i\ 


(l: 
a7 


‘ GETTING RID OF A BURDEN, 


I didn’t give her any description of my latest commer 
cial transactions, for I feared the doctor might not approve 
oi): it. But I did the best I could toward repairing the mis 
# chief of the day. Going into the kitchen I cornered the— 
nurse and begged of her, for dear pity’s sake, to lend me 





ie NS Me th ie ele 
na) ie oh oe ats 
hao) 








140 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


some money for a few days till I could get straightened out. 
She emptied her purse into my hands! “ You have been — 
extremely faithful to my wife and the babies,” said I to her, 
“and you must now permit me to make you a a present 
as a token of my appreciation of your services.’ 

I then gave her the diamond ear-rings which were ech 
‘ing so heavily on my conscience, but more especially on my 
pride. 

She was astanilied 

“QO, no,” said I, “ they are not so valuable as you seem te — 
suppose; they are made of paste and set in rolled gold. 
However, if’ you are very careful and ss wear them, they 
will keep their lustre for many years.” 

I went back to my wife feeling a sense of relief. 


MA A 








GOING TO HIS LONG HOME. 

“ Augusta,” said I, “ this speckled dog appears to be getting 
hungry. If you will excuse me for a few minutes I guess I 
will take him home.” 3 

I did take him—to his long home, and when I returned 
1 had ordered all the groceries and things that the uurse’s 
money could pay for. 





we, A ee lias Bd Fe ik tol i ANY Dan el gest 5 ci a Wi te Le eae 
GE fli a3. Org tek gail aah Sale aaa ml a 
i ~ ee oe rie c= te ore ' C4 





SUPPLIES FOR THE FAMILY. 141 


I wished that I was a better Christian! It actually 
worried me to think that I could not love that pawnbroker. 
Willingly would I have gone to heaven with the speckled — 
dog—but not with him. — 

Is it any wonder that religion is hard to practice? We 
are required to love our enemies and abhor their sins. This 
is contrary to all human experience. The law of association 
is very strong. In our thought, things in relationship possess 
each other’s quality. Who can dissociate coffin and corpse? 
Who can forget the base uses to which a cooking utensil 
may have been put, even though it has been thoroughly 
cleaned ? 

Who cares to sleep in the bed of a felo-de-se? Who could 
use a hangman’s rope for a plaything? Yet, in spite of this 
overwhelming instinct of human nature, Christianity would 
have us love a man while hating all the uses to which he 
puts himself. Augusta says this is right. Yet she cannot 
eyen love Christine. In that regard I am nearer the king- 
dom of righteousness than she. 

After all, this law of association is just what we need. 
If it gets us into the difficulty it can also get us out. We 
have only to associate the man with his divine origin and 
everlasting destiny, and we shall then love him in accordance 
with the requirements. 





CHAPTER XIL 


MEASLES. 


oe struck the family just as the hot weather came 
on. The six babies all had them night and day, but — 
principally at night. During the day I stayed at the office. 


li, ee 


\ i) 
me Z 
A EE ui 


ene 


<== 


YA\ 
ESS 


AN 

YY ‘ . i 

i ee 
yi 


AN} iy Wi iN 
—— Zi iy Ki 
wii . RY 


Ee 
Wh VW YW 
=| DP 


aN 





NIGHT WORE. 


S SSS Nai ve 


For seven long, weari- 
some, painful, never- 
to-be-forgotten weeks, 
my regular sleep was 


constantly broken im 
‘upon by the children’s 


complaints. There 


was scarcely a night 


that I could get over 
eight hours of unbrok- 
en rest. I have a 
faint impression that 
Augusta was worse 
off than I, but I never 
have told her so. Why 
it is that I am apt 
to neglect such little 
courtesies. 1s more 
than I can _ possibly 
comprehend. | 


(142) 











- ee Be hae Ye te ot Tita wn q 


‘MEASLES. 143 


Just as our herculean efforts and anxieties had been 
rewarded by the verdict of the physician that the babies 
were out of danger, I myself was struck down with all the 
measles that were left in the neighborhood. 

It would have been just my luck to have taken the dis-— 
ease the next day after I was born, and to have died in my 
sins at that time; but, through some oversight, I had been 
reserved for a later-day. 

LI was sick. 

The reader must inflate these little words with all the 
meaning that his own most dreadful experience can furnish. 

- For two weeks I hung suspended by a single hair over the 
yawning gulf of—but I must not get theological—during 
which time, Augusta gave me the divine ministry of her 
sweet affection and indefatigable devotion. 

Would you believe that such a woman would grow hard- 
hearted at last ? | 

She did. 

It was when I had become convalescent. I had lost my 
appetite, but I had found another. It must have been 
Jumbo’s, or the speckled dog’s. There was nothing that I 
did not want to eat, and there was nothing except porridge, 
and soup, and toast, and eggs, and ripe fruit, that my wife 
- would permit me to have. 

She had a ridiculous superstition, inherited from her 
mother, that hearty eating would bring on a relapse. 

An opportunity offered for me to make the attempt te 
disabuse her usually good judgment of that ancient delusion. 

A neighbor had dropped in to see how I was getting on, 
and Augusta had invited her to stay to dinner. They were 
both in the kitchen waiting for the tea to steep. The table 
was set. Noiselessly I glided from my couch, and took an 








144 - MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


inventory of the fare. What struck me as the most Savory 
dish of all was the meat. There were two or three pounds 
ef cold boiled ham just waiting to be consumed. How my 
stomach yearned for it! I laid hold of it eagerly. In 
another instant I should have proceeded to gratify my inner 
eravings ; but, for some reason, I hesitated. The man that 
hesitates is—saved. Therein he differs from woman. | 


Ss 
Be 7 
yg) 


SSSeh 


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pee === 
= 
nF ede 


Rees 





EXPERIMENTING. 


I will be a man, thought I. Perhaps, after all, Augusta 
is right, but, nevertheless, it would furnish me with a 
month’s comfort to convince her otherwise. . i 

A feasible scheme suggested itself. The next minute I 
bad opened a bandbox, and concealed the cold ham under 
my wife’s Sunday bonnet, after which I returned to my. 


eouch to await developments. 








MEASLES. 145 


The women came in, my wife smiling benignantly as she | 
bore the steaming teapot. 

“You must excuse me,” said she to Mrs. Losson, “ for not 
- having a more presentable dinner. We have been so upset 
with sickness that my housework has been sadly neglected.” 

“How are you feeling to-day?” inquired Mrs. Losson, 
-eoming to the lounge whereon I was stretched. ; 

“Thank you, Mrs. Losson,” I replied, “I am at least a 
thousand per cent. better than I was half an hour ago.” 

*‘ Victuals, marm! I was on the ragged edge of starva- 
tion, and should speedily have gasped my last gasp had I 
not dragged my exhausted frame to the dinner-table, and 
supplied my wasted powers with their proper nourishment.” 

“Where in the world is that ham?” exclaimed my wife, 
trying to look in twelve different directions at once. 

“This is all I have left of it,’ I replied, holding up a 
jagged little piece, which 1 had reserved especially for the 
occasion. 

Augusta turned pale. 

“Don’t be alarmed,” said I, “for I am feeling ever so 
much better than I felt a while ago. Uaven’t I told you all 
along that I needed substantial food? You must admit 
now that your theory was wrong. There was a time when 
all the old ladies in the land believed that every sick person 
should be blistered, and bled, and tortured, while every con- 
valescent patient should be kept on a light diet till he was 
hungry enough to eat a barn door. But, Augusta, science 
has advanced, and it pains me to think that a woman of 
your native sense should still cling to any of the mouldy 
eonceits of the dark ages. That was very nice ham, my 
dear, very nice indeed. Won’t you give me a plate of plum- 
pudding for dessert ?”’ 





146 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


Augusta was too much agitated to reply. 

She and Mrs. Losson put their heads together, and held e 
few minutes excited conversation, during which I was 
serenely smiling in the sleeve of my dressing-gown. 

Mrs. Losson went away, but soon returned. | 

Augusta came to my side, and in pleading tones, said, 
“ August, will you do one thing to please me ?” 





HAM HUNTERS. ne 


? 


“ Most assuredly,’ 


I replied, my conscience giving @ 3 “S 
twitch or two. eae 

“Then take this powder in a glass of water.” 

I took it. | 

Oh, horrors! It was a most powerful emetic. 

I had nothing particular to throw up except my legs; but 
the emetic was determined to do its mission all the same. 
My stomach, being a little weak from long abstinence, had 


e 








af, 
We 


a 
0, 





ET. 
A RUINED BONN 


MEASLES. 149 


not a very firm grip on its surroundings, and it seemed 
every minute as though its tackling would break, and that I 
should lose it. 

At this crisis the doctor arrived, having been notified by 
Mrs. Losson when she went for the emetic. 

“He is a very sick man,’ solemnly spoke the physician, 
feeling of.my pulse. “Has the ham come yet?” 

“No,” replied both women with bated breath. 

_“T fear it is too heavy to be moved,’ mournfully spoke 
the doctor. 

I was busy with my sea-sickness, and could not, therefore, 
‘observe my wife, or I should haye seen the most despairing 
look on her face which human countenance can endure. 

“JT shall have to try another dose of tartara medicus,” 
eontinued the doctor. 

“No, you don’t!” I groaned, making another effort to 
turn myself inside out. “If it’s the ham you are after, just 
drop your vile emetic into that bandbox, and the ham will 
appear.” 

Augusta tore off the cover, and the first thing I heard her 
pay was: 

“Mercy on us! My best bonnet is ruined!” 

Thus easily could she forget my troubles, and pay atten- 
tion to a mere matter of personal adornment. 

How often have I observed the inconsistency of woman! 

My recovery was not speedy, for there were many violated 
laws lying around loose in my physical constitution. 

Through all my sickness, I never once prayed to get well. 
Iam too much of a philosopher. Reason teaches me that 
Nature finds it necessary to adopt the same means in repair- 
ing a man that we adopt in repairing a dilapidated house. 
She tears him all to pieces, and then puts him together as 






- service, we ary out becanse of « our -suffenin ng | It ti thu of 


Cag 3% 





can become aheste « 











CEAPPE ERATE 
NEGLECTED DUTIES. 


AROSE early one morning, and ordered Bridget to get 
8 me a good breakfast, as I had an editorial brewing in 
my brain, and was anxious to go to my office. 

“Fath,” said she, “ an’ thar haint nottin in th’ house that 
er blissid man ken ate!” | 

“How is that?” said I. “Haven’t 1 been bringing stuff 
home all summer? What’s become of it?” 

“Phativer has coom ter this place is cooked an’ aten, as 
Pm an honest woman. Sure, an’ it’s not th’ loikes of er 
gintleman of your sthripe to entimate that 1 wud sthale.” 

“ But there must be enough in the house for breakfast— 
anything, get anything. Iam in a great hurry.” 

“°Pon me soul, thar haint nottin in th’ hul mansion but 
er bit er salt an’ er doozen aigs.” 

“ A dozen eggs! Why, that’s a breakfast for a king. 
There is nothing in the world I like better. Cook them at 
once; and mind,” I added, “as she was shuffling toward the 
kitchen, “that you boil them soft.” | 
_ This order given, I settled back in an easy chair, and was 

soon absorbed on my forthcoming editorial, namely: “ Why 
is horse-radish called horse-radish, when it neither looks like 
a horse nor tastes like one?” My intention was to make 
- something of a national reputation, and largely increase the 


(151) 


TOA eg PP UR erm Re ae > ae Ne IEE SS PP TT a Be oe Ne a a Ne, te a ee 
. “ ““ pica Bagel SS Ot dae eS ee Rr AP Mink Sy enol Piet rie Cty ee | we 
mks SA Eee tt BERANE CRETE Cee AE fl ane mies 

2 é ) <y : eS = 3 i mn Soke ee 
. 3s, age ahs ft i 









152 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


circulation of my paper by a learned and elaborate treat es 
ment of that important subject. | ay ; ae ae 
I had been cudgeling my brain over it about half an hour, aks 
when I received a telegram from my stomach, suggesting é Beet 
that I had not yet had my breakfast. | 
“ Bridget,” I cried, “ what 7s the matter ?” 


fi 
AS o = , v4 
NO Ki ne 
ee 
ne , are 
a Wg = 
ve if be 
eee 1474 
A? 
ae /, 


‘2 
LAD 
KS 
Er 
os 


~ 


WV) 
OO 
: AYA 

2 ‘) 


2, 
1a 
a 


ae 


di 
MRS SSS 


WETS : 





eas i Ss u 


‘““TAHE DIVIL IS IN TH’ AIGS.” 3 


“The divil is in th’ aigs!” answered that innocent. 
“I’ve biled ’em till th’ shtove is red-hot, an’ they haint 
soft yit.”. Lind 

“ Bring them on, this minute!” I roared. 

She brought them on, and [began on them. _ ee 

“JT should judge they are not soft yet,” said I, trying a 
vainly to hammer one into fragments. You have boiled ie ; 


NEGLECTED DUTIES. 1538 


them till they are petrified. Why, they are actually a curi 
esity. I shall write an editorial on them. I never knew 
before that protracted and intense heat would produce such 
a marvelous.change in an egg. It’s a new discovery.” 

While thus soliloquizing, my wife appeared on the scene. 

“ What are you doing with those eggs ?” she inquired. 

“Trying to eat them, my dear. There is nothing else for 
breakfast, and I am as hungry as a bear.” 

“Did I ever?” she exclaimed. “Those are nothing but 
artificial nest eggs. They are some you got for advertising 
a china store.” = ; 

* Augusta,” said I, peevishly, ‘‘ you see to what straits I 
am driven in order to hint to you that you are not the most 
eareful housewife that could be desired. It was your place 
to have looked after the larder, and to have known that 
there was nothing in the house that a starving man could 
digest.” 

‘<1 did Jook after the larder,’ she replied, “‘and I was not 
ignorant of its condition.” 

“So much the worse, since you did not allow your knowl- 
edge-to have any effect.” 

“Did you expect me to take the six babies in my arms, 
and go myself to obtain provisions? Have you not warned 
me repeatedly not to trust the darlings with nurses ¢” 

“ Now you are trying to aggravate me. It was your place 
to have told me what. condition things were in.” 

“ August, I told you at least eight times yesterday that 
we were out of everything. The last thing I said when you 
left the house was, ‘Please, do not forget the groceries nor 
the meat.’” 

* Perhaps it was the last thing you said; but why do you 


always give your instructions when I am in a perfect fever 
10 


154 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


of cogitation over an editorial? Why don’t you speak of such 
things at some other time than when I am just going away 
inahurry? If ever | marry again, I will have a woman 
who has been in the newspaper business. Then she can 
sympathize with me. She will know that @ person can’t 
think of everything at once, and work out four columns of 
reading matter at the same time. Business before pleasure 
is a rule which you don’t seem to grasp. Try for a minute 


to put yourself in my place. Twenty. or thirty pages of © 


manuscript must be prepared for the next issue. I select a 
subject, and put it into my brain, where it is surrounded by 
phosphorus, and pretty soon it takes fire and begins to 
burn. In course of an hour or two, the flames are raging. 
All the boys of the fire department in New York City would 
fail to control them. Just as the mighty conflagration of 
thought has reached its highest development, a little woman 
approaches, and carelessly says, ‘August, won’t you order a 
pound of dried apples?’ I forget the dried apples, of 
course. It would be beneath the dignity of any purely lit- 
erary man not to forget them. I should be doing injustice 
to The Farmer's Guide by remembering them. Then comes 
that same woman, and says, ‘August; my dear, you are 80 
absent-minded! I do wish you would be more thoughtful!” 

Augusta was pained. She began to accuse herself of 


being a hindrance to me in my profession. 


I saw then that I was a wretch. I was always trying to - 


convince my wife that she was in the wrong; yet, whenever 
I succeeded, and she broke down and confessed, I felt 
meaner than dirt. Such a victory is not worth what it 


costs. * 


“ Augusta,” said I, “you are all the world to me, my first, 


last, and only love.” 


e 








« 





NEGLECTED DUTIES. 155 


Then we had a kiss or two for breakfast. 
Still, I was hungry. 
“T will get my breakfast down town this morning,” said 
I, putting on my hat. 
Where Augusta was to get hers never entered my addled 
aoa brain. She acted 


iE ere 


strangely, as I was 









aa taking my leave, as 


— 


though she could not 





fet me go without 
telling me something. 
Twice she called me 


back, each time apol- 





Se 
een 


SA Vom. cw 
eee 
~ 
SS 
St 


Oxs 
ae, 
KS 


a: 
: QoS ently 
aS vane 


So Ses 


9 


HEH 
EN, 
LS 


HER. OPPORTUNITY. 


ogizing, with the remark, “Oh, it is of no consequence.” 
“You are troubled,” I said, “and I must know the cause, 
or I shall not be able to do a stroke of work to-day.” 
Still she hesitated. 
«Tell me, darling, what it is,” I said, pleadingly. 





& 


156 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“ August, are you laboring now with an editorial ?” 

“No, dear, my mind has fallen into a great vacant pit— 
the pit of my stomach.” 

“Then may I ask you to order something for dinner ?” 

“ Certainly ; and I will order something for. dinner just as 


soon as I have been to the restaurant and ordered some-— 


thing for breakfast.” 
nf . “4 e 
‘But is there not danger of your becoming absorbed in 


your newspaper work as soon as your hunger is appeased ?” Zi 
“Yes, dear, there is some danger to-day, because Lhave — 
got to take hold of the great question, ‘ Why is horse-radish 


ealled horse-radish, when it does not look like a horse, or 
taste like one ?’” 


“ Will you let me tie a string around your finger, so ‘that | 


it will remind you that we must have something for dinner?” 
she inquired. afer 
“ Certainly.” 


She tied the string pretty tight. : 


I got my breakfast at the first chop-house ; and because — 


jit cost me over two dollars, I resolved to be economical for 


a time, and therefore I walked all the way to my office } 


rather than pay five cents horse-car fare. During the jaunt, 


J got mightily wrought up over the radish question. I had 
got as far as showing that, in reality, the horse-radish does — 


not shed its coat like a horse, when I felt my finger pain- 
ing me. 


“Oh, yes!” I soliloquized, observing the string, which 


was doing its work, ‘‘I believe wife said something about 


dinner,” and, in an absent-minded sort of way, for I did not — 





want to break the thread of my radish argument, I stepped : cee 


into a shop and ordered three dozen dressed chickens. 


After a while, I forgot the transaction, even if I hast = 





NEGLECTED DUTIES. 157 


really known anything about it; and when again the finger 
hurt me, I had just sense enough to order a leg of lamb. 
At least, I probably intended to say “lamb,” for I am very 
fond of it; but it turned out, on delivery; to be a leg of 
beet. 

By the time I arrived at Newspaper Row, I had fully 
solved the minor problem, to wit, why the horse likes water, 





DOING ITS WORK, 


and the horse-radish vinegar; but, what other work I had 
done the while, I had no very clear conception. I don’t 
possess the happy faculty of thinking of two things at once, 
and applying judgment to both. 

I came to my senses later in the day, when I reached 
home. | 

a6 Have you invited a regiment to dinner?” inquired my 


~ 


wife, exhibiting symptoms of alarm. 


158 ' MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“Invited nohody,” I answered. 

“ What does this mean?” she asked, as my astonished 
gaze rested on a prodigious amount of fish and meat, poul- 
try and clams. | 

“T believe you tied a string around my finger, did n’t you, 
for the purpose of jogging my memory ?” 

“Yes, August.” | 

“ And it strikes me, Augusta, that the string did its work 
pretty effectually. How does it strike you, my dear?” 

My dear was silent. : 3 

She has since told me that, while she is forced to admire 
the great things which I am always performing, she should 
prize me more highly if I would not be so negligent of little 
things. : 

She says that the great roots of a tree absorb no nourish- 
ment, and that the plant would soon die were it not for the 
numberless and almost invisible rootlets whieh permeate 
the soil. She means by this, that I ought to be more heed- 
ful of the little delicate fibers through which domestic hap- 
piness flows into our matrimonial tree. . 

Perhaps she is right. Adter all, little things are our only 
real enemies. There are men who could face a tempest all 
day who would die if a little draft should squeeze through a 
window crack, and strike them on the head. Great issues 
on which national existence depends, questions which affect 
the destiny of millions, scarcely give us an additional heart- 
beat, while the trifling breezes of our home, church, or 
neighborhood almost cause us to give up the ghost. 





“CHAPTER XIV. 
2 ENTERING SOCIETY. 


NOTHER harvest had been gathered, and the crops 
were exceedingly fine, owing partly to sun-spots, but 

mostly to The Farmer's Guide. 
As a result, my subscription-list grew larger and larger, 
so much money coming in that I began to feel like an 


Indian agent, or an absconding cashier. Allow me to men- 


~ tion, for it is a.remarkable coincidence, that it was about. 


this time when “ good society” discovered that Augusta and : 
I were in New York. 

Oné chilly evening in September, I came home from my 
office to find my wife a little flurried. We had actually 
received a gilt-edged invitation to a grand dinner party, to 
be given that very evening by General Cradle and wife at 
their palatial residence on Fifth Avenue. 


> said I, “forthe invitation comes so 


“T’ll not go a step,’ 
late that it-is not entitled to any respect, and there is no 
time to get ready,” 

“So I fear,’ answered Augusta, “ but it is all your fault. 
The Ptiediod is a week old, and it was only by accident 
that- 1 discovered it, still unopened, among a lot of old iet- 


ters with which you have been trying to stop up a rat-hole 


in the bath-room. Such carelessness will be the ruin of us 


ee ) (159) 


160 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


yet. It might have been a check, or a post-office order. 


As it is, the case is quite bad enough. This invitation is 
fraught with great consequences. It was to be our intro 
duction to society. Other invitations would have followed. 
Your reputation, influence, and perhaps fortune, would 
have come in quick succession. Now all these.things—” 

“Were employed to stop up a rat-hole,” said I. “But, 
Augusta, you have shown so clearly what we are to lose by 
staying away from this party, that I am determined to go. 
Hurry up, now! Let us get ready, and be off.” a : 

‘“‘ But we shall be late.” 

“ So much: the more fashionable.” 

“We shall be unreasonably late!” 

“That will be your fault, Augusta, for I can attend wholly 
to myself, and be ready in a very few minutes.” 

“ August, you never did such a thing since we were mar- 
ried. You never can dress even for church without calling 
on me at least half a dozen times to assist you, and I aHUe 
always look after you, wherever you go.” 

-“T wish you would n’t make such wild statements. Now 
let us both do our best, and get ready. JI warn you not to 
interfere with me. lam not one of the babies, that I must 
have somebody put on my bib and tucker.” 

“Very well, August, you shall not be molested, and we 
_ will each arrange our own toilet as speedily as possible.” 
We went to work. Repeatedly I had to check myself im 


the act of asking Augusta to bring me this or that article ; sie 
but I finally succeeded in piling everything that I thought i Sd, 


should need for making a complete change of clothing, inte 
four or five heaps, occupying as many chairs, and nearly as 
many rooms. My purpose was very strong to get ready 


long before Augusta, and then to amuse myself by asking ~ 





os 
2a 
‘ ? 
ee 
oa 
un 
- 
1-* 
a 


‘ 


Pb Bie ba 


Sa NAL , a aes ghake AS 
nS a eee 











ENTERING SOCIETY. 161 


her fifteen or twenty times in succession if she knew how 
late it was getting, and if she was not afraid that the General 
and his wife would be gone to bed when we got there. 

What encouraged me was that all the babies were cross, 
and every little while Augusta had to stop and quiet one or 
more of them,—generally more. Then she had to do some 


= 


=<", 
— 
‘iz 


o> 7 
ere EG A 
Le oe 


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TT 
e - 


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\ 
Was ANN nie 


BY Elche? 
3 ater Mais 


‘2, 


hee 


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HHA ei ' 
i Nip ijn lett 
sil il 
4 , ; ' ' 
} Y NN HAWN 


PREPARING FOR COLIC. 





sewing on a flounce, arrange a bouquet of artificial flowers, 


ad 
heat a curling-iron, friz her hair, change the buttons on a 


pair of new shoes, mend two or three rips in a pair of kid 

gloves, and explain to the nurse what must be done in case 
-any of the babies should get the croup, and what other thing 
must be done if they should be attacked with colic. 


162 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


I should have got on finely had it not been for an zdea 
that attacked me. The idea was that the next issue of 
The Farmer's Guide should contain a full description of 
General Cradle’s magnificent hospitality, groaning tables, 
honored guests, etc., etc. 

As usual, the idea grew on me. I soon had a great 
chaos of literary lumber in my head, which I was fated to 
sort over and arrange, then and there, whether I wanted 
to or not. From that moment, my hands dressed me with- 
out any conscious assistance of the mind. Nevertheless, 
I hurried, because, having got well started, the mere 
momentum carried me on, and my haste resulted in success. 

I was ready a few seconds before Augusta. I had even 
put on my new fall overcoat, and buttoned it up to the chin; 


which I was in the habit of doing when going out in the 


evening, on account of a sensitive throat, which I dreaded to 
expose to night air. 

“Come, Augusta,” exclaimed I, “are n’t you ready yet? 
1 have waited for you until my patience is entirely 
exhausted. Do try and hurry a little. or Mrs. Cradle will 
have her finery all put away for the night before you get 
yours on.” 

We ordered a car riage, and were off. 

The guests were just sitting down to dinner rien we 
arrived. 

Mrs. Berkeley was precipitated into one room, and I into 
another, that we might get off our wraps and join the com- 
pany as soon as possible. 

Servants took us dowitto the dining-room. : 

General Cradle received my wife, and Mrs. Cradle re- 
ceived me. 

As we approached the table in a blaze of light, I observed 


St. 





‘. ENTERING SOCIETY. 163 


that my hostess looked 
at me, and immediately 
became very much em- 
barrassed. I knew 
something was wrong. 
I felt as uncomfortable 
as a fish out of water. 

My wife being direct- 
ly behind me, I turned 
and whispered in her 
ear, “Say, Augusta, am 
J all right?” 

She gave me one lit- 
tle look, and I thought 
she would sink to the 
floor. 

“You have left off 
your collar and your 
necktie, and your shirt- 
bosom is not buttoned,” 
she gasped. 

There I was. 

The whole coinpany 
were glaring at me, as 

though I was an es- 
ceaped lunatic. The 
ladies were suffused 
with blushes. Some of 
them appeared insult- 
ed; and yet, as I said ui 
to my wife when she Nek paar ate SOL Ses 





‘was leading me out of the dining-room, those very ladies 






164 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. - 


had on lower-necked dresses than L It was something 
like their own style which I had innocently adopted, and — 
they thought it. was horrid. 

Since they could blush so 
easily at my appearance, is oo 
it not strange that they could | 







look unblushingly in a mirror ? 





= 
SS 


There was old Miss Slimp-— 


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oy 


Ss‘s 
SS 
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skite, for example, a spinster = 


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not less than six feet perpen- 


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ey) er 2, dicular, and scarcely anything “ 
\Go Lh horizontal. She actually had 
fi ; the impudence to utter a little < 
=) sereech “when she caught 3 

sight of my somewhat ex- “Ss 

tended throat, and yet her re 

* 


own scrawny neck of skin and 


MISS SLIMPSKITE. 


bones was bare to all eyes. 
What slaves we are to fashion! ya 
When Augusta says of a certain fit, or misfit, that “it is 
all the style,’ no amount of denunciation or ridicule can kill 
it until it has had its day, after which nothing can keep # 
alive. | a 


a 











CHAP EER AY, 
MISCHIEVOUS SNUFF. 


N some unaccountable way, on the evening of General 
Cradle’s dinner-party, | took a severe cold. Nothing 
would check it. Some one advised Turkish baths; I tried 
ten or twelve, but grew rapidly worse. Another recom- 
mended staying in bed 

s 


and drinking hot ginger- 





tea; I experimented with 
that. Atter drinking all 
the tea I could force down, 
T got under three double 


“IK 


: a / ° i <P SS », —= 
Pre ‘ : x SUNS SN 
Hey 3 af// A: S eS 


HAPPY MOMENTS. 


blankets, to which Mrs. Berkeley would occasionally add 


five or six of the babies; thore I stayed for three days and 
: . (165) 





166 MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


three nights —envying Jonah for having been go much 
more comfortable than myself. 

The hotter " became, the more of a cold I seemed to inave. 
I felt that whatever -~was done must be done quickly, or 
Father Time would mow me down and rake me up. Sol 
arose, dressed myself, took a little nourishment — nothing 
but a can of cold lobster and a piece of mince pie — then 
put on my buffalo-skin overcoat, and boldly sallied forth to 
face the bleak noon-day blasts of September. Indeed, the 
temperature was such a contrast to what I had just come 





EXTREMES. MEET. 


out of, that I felt chilly, although every few minutes I met - 
somebody who told me he had just lost a friend by sun- 
stroke, and that he himself expected to go next. i 
At last I met a person who changed the whole tenor of 
my life. He was a patent-medicine man. 
“ You have a cold,” said he. ee 


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MISCHIEVOUS SNUFF. 163 


“Much obliged to you ‘for the information,” said I. 
¢ When I go home I will speak to my wife about it.” 
_ “J have got something right here,” he observed, “ that 
will take that cold entirely away before you can cet home.” 

“To I appear like a gull?” I inquired, casting on Lim a 
contemptuous look. 

“ Hardly.” 

“You had better say ‘hardly.’ No, sir; the editor and 
publisher of The Farmer’s Guide—two dollars and fifty 
cents a year, in advance —can’t be duped. When I buy a 





thing, I know precisely what I am getting, or I let it alone.” 

“You are just the sort of man I like to deal with,’ 
exclaimed he. “ You shall know what you are purchasing 
and what it can do, before you pay me a dollar. This is the 
celebrated Bethsaida Snuff, of which there are only six 
~boxes in-the United States, and four of them are in my 
possession. Now open your nostrils wide, and inhale a 
pinch of this invaluable remedy. It will cost you nothing, 
and rid you immediately, of what otherwise may prove fatal.” 

I took the snuff as directed. 

Charming! | 

But how I did sneeze! | 

How sneeze after sneeze followed each other in quick 
succession, like an immense drove of sheep going through 
a small gate. How I was racked, and torn, and tattered. 
Verily, I thought I should sneeze my head off. 

_A-crowd began to gather about me to see what was the 

matter. Other crowds came to see what that crowd was 
doing, and long before I was done sneezing I was sur- 
rounded by a howling mob. I reeked with perspiration. 
1 did not use a word of profanity ; I could’t. The sneeze- 
train had the right of way, and everything else had to wait. 





stain ats 






170 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. —_ 


All things have an end. — Bh | 
“ How do you feel?” asked the patent-medicine man, as Beh 

soon as there was a prospect of making me hear anything. — 
“Mad,” I muttered. | : 





“ How is your head ?” 
“Clear as a bell, sure as I’m alive!” 










Nes ~ i 
“You acknowledge then, ws 


that the cold is cured?” 
“Yes; that trip-hammer 
- sneezing has pulverized it 





” beyond recognition.” Z 

“Which is better than ~~ = 

. e ; = ee 

taking poisonous nostrums om 

BE ete et into the stomach, and being = 

sick a-bed for months, isn’t it?” ~ Z Agee ig 

: ay 2 ie 
“Sir,” replied I, “ You are indeed a benefactor of your ~~ | 


race. How much of this Bethsaida snuff did you say you 

have on hand?” : ioe 
Only four boxes, one ounce to the box; and as you 

are the universally honored proprietor of The Farmer’s 





MISCHIEVOUS SNUFF, ak 


Guide, and a man of extraordinary influence, I shall be 
most happy to let you have the entire lot for ten dollars.” 

I relieved him of the entire lot. 

Being a man of good business instincts, he proceeded 
immediately to take advantage of the crowd I had drawn, 
by exhibiting some patent soap, of which he sold forty or 
fifty dollars.worth before I was out of sight. Undoubtedly 
his audience needed it. 

Proudly [ went home. Augusta disappointed me; not a 
bit enthusiastic did she become over my improved condition. 

“The cold will come on again,” said she. 

“Suppose it does! Can’t I level it to the ground with 
this snuff battery ?”’ ; | 

“You will find that there is something wrong with that 
snuff, and that you have squandered the ten dollars.” 

* Augusta, | wish you would n’t always try to depreciate 
my judgment. When I do a good thing, why can’t you give 
me credit for it?” 

“We will wait,” said she. 

In the middle of the night, I awoke, feeling as though I 
had taken a new cold. However, I had faith in the snuff, 
and proceeded immediately to utilize as large a dose as I 
could furnish lodgings for. 

Charming, again. 

Pretty soon I had my wife, the nurse, the house-maid, and 
the six babies wide awake. The latter were frightened, and 
began screaming, with one accord. Bedlam reigned su- 
preme; even to the disturbance of a number of our neigh- 
bors. But this cold was finally mastered the same as the 
previous one. | 

“T told you so,” said I to Augusta, and then fell into a 


sweet sleep from which I had no waking till breakfast time. 
11 


172 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


It required about ten days to get rid of all the new colds 
that came, but complete victory finally perched on my 
banner ; and J had a whole box of Bethsaida snuff left. 

“The rats are destroying everything in the house,” said 
my wife, as I was starting out one evening to do a little 
marketing. ‘I wish you would bring home some strong- 
‘smelling cheese, and I will set a trap for them.” : 

“Very well,” said I. 


I visited several grocery stores, but could not find any — 


cheese that had the requisite odor. The grocers brought on 
the strongest they had, and seemed greatly surprised when 
I told them it had no more smell than bass-wood. 

- The trouble was this, although I was entirely ignorant of 
the fact, that the Bethsaida snuff had totally destroyed my 
nerves of smelling. So, like many another grumbler, I kept 
finding fault with the cheese, when the wrong belonged 
wholly to myself. _ 

“You had better go to Schmidt’s, on Baxter street,” 
advised a merchant, whose cheese I had just refused, ‘He 
keeps the strongest article in the market.” 4 

To Schmidt’s I went. He owned a liquor saloon, and 
furnished a free-lunch counter. 


“J heard you had some strong cheese,” said I. 


“Ya, de pest sheeze in de world. Zoost you dry dat - 


vonce.” | 

“This is no better than any,” replied I, sniffing at the 
sample he handed me. 

“Dat es goot old Limburger sheeze.” 

**But there is no smell to it.” 

“Tunder and blixen! How much schmel does you 
takes ?”’ 


“TY want something to catch rats.” 











» MISCHIEVOUS SNUFF. . 173 


“Oh! dat’s him, is she? Zoost you vait here teel I ge 
fotch soom sheeze vat vill bleeze you werry goot.” | 

Thus saying, he went out into the back yard, and got 
about a pound of Limburger cheese which had been thrown 
away on account of its having driven off so many customers. 
It had been made for a German fair, and had taken the first 
premium, on account of its unprecedented strength. It pos- 


he 


AY 





TESTING THE. ARTICLE, 


sessed the peculiarity of growing more decided as it got 

older, till now its strength was gigantic. 

““Schmel of dat,” said Herr Schmidt, as he handed me 
the samnle with a pair of long tongs. 

 -&T believe that is a little odoriferous,’ I remarked, inhal 

ing a full breath. It isn’t just what my wife wants, but if I 

can’t get anything stronger, it will have to answer.” 


174 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


Schmidt smiicd as he handed me the package. 

I put the cheese into my overcoat pocket, and started for 
home. 

Coming to the church formerly ministered to by the Rey. 
Shepherdskin, but now by the Rey. Selah Brownell, and to 
which Augusta and I were accustomed to go whenever we 
went to church anywhere, I noticed that it was lighted up. 
Then I recollected@-that it was prayer-meeting night. _Feel- 


ing an honest desire to be benefited in my higher nature, I 


entered the sanctuary. The usual proportion of ladies and 


gentlemen were present—seventy-two ladies and nine gen- 
tlemen, counting ihe minister as one of the eentlemen. 

He was engaged in one of his complete prayers. As I 
took my seat, he was just entering Japan. I knew he had 
to go to China, India, Egypt, Spain, France, Germany, and 
all the other European nations, as well as all the isles of the 
sea, before he would strike America; and that then he would 

remeinber Washington, Albany, Blackwell’s Isiand, and 
Wall street, tiie congregation of dearly-beloved brethren and 
sisters before him, and every other person for whom he 
should pray in this whole world, or, in any other world. 

The Rev. Brownell was too conscientious to slight any 
part of his work. His supplications were not only elaborate 
in detail, but rich in classic English, with here and there a 
sprinkling of Latin and Greek. I had taken my seat 
between two elderly ladies. In a few minutes, and while 
the pastor was devoutly calling Heaven’s attention to the 
Vatican, they had the rudeness to get up and quietly move 
into another pew. ‘Then one of the nine noiselessly arose 
and opened a window, after which another window, and still 
another. Then somebody else opened a door. Pretty soon 
the woman who was nearest to me began to faint, and was 





1 


vet 


‘ . ; NR i as , 
‘ ere p< és ¥ 
“g aT See eee eee Res Tbe + aa PA tah bee 






} 


SPR 





MISCHIEVOUS SNUFF. — : ee Ya 


carried out. All her particular friends went out to nurse 
her. Two other ladies were overcome; and when they and 
their attendants had resorted to the vestibule, there was not 
much left. The Rey. Selah Brownell was the pastor, and I 
was the audience. 

i was astonished. 


iN 
Ry 


A) 





A DISTURBED CONGREGATION. 


_ 


I knew well enough that he would also be astonished as 
soon as he opened his eyes. 
In course of time the prayer was finished. The first 
thing the good man said was, “’Where in the world is my 
congregation ¢”’ 


I felt humorous; and besides, I was anxious to give hina 





1T6 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


a hint that his devotions were unnecessarily long, so I 
answered : : or 
“ Quite likely, sir, they have gone home to breakfast.” 


Ps 
7 
— 
x 
Fe 

. 
<~& 
A 





> 


| r 
2G 





; ; 
lee eer ea 
rat fA 


ae 
ee. 


ore path ant ap 
EE ST Pe! Seen 


- 
mt 


i 
SS mee Rene. 


ty 


ty 


a ee. 


‘AMEN! ” 


pate: 


In his superabundance of native innocence, he anxiously 


z ra 
eS oe ie 
Pept cn. 


eonsulted his watch. 


“is 


“Tt cannot be so very late,’ he remarked. “ What is it 
by your time?” | | 
Before I had a chance to reply, the redolence of my abom- 


inable Limburger cheese, of whose very existence I had for- - 


t 








MISCHIEVOUS SNUFF. 1TT 


gotten, and of whose peculiar nature I was Seats igno- 
rant, struck the pulpit with full force. 
_“ What scent is this?” he inquired. 

“T don’t know,” said I. “Probably it is one that some- 
body brought for the contribution-box.” 

“J refer,” said he, “to an unspeakably repulsive emana- 
tion of ee my gary nerves have just taken full cog- 
nizance.’ 

“Perhaps,” suggested I, anxious to give another hint, 
“it comes from some of those dead languages you have 
just been unearthing.” 

He hastily pronounced the benediction, and the meeting 
was closed. 7 

I resolved to go straight home, and describe the affair to 
Augusta, and to ask her to solve the mystery with that 
instinct of hers. 

T'o my surprise, she gave me an indifferent reception. 

“What-is the matter?” she exclaimed. “ August, you 
have been mobbed. Your clothes are ruined with bad eggs. 
Don’t come near me! Don’t, I pray! How did it happen?” 

I was stupefied, disgusted, vexed. 

“tis no great blessing.” remarked I, “to be obliged to 
live in a world where everybody has gone crazy except 
myself.” | 

In a few minutes, the fumes of my triumphant Limburger 
struck the six babies with telling effect, bringing every one 
of them from the pleasant land of Nod to a screeching 
wakefulness. 

After some time, Augusta became unconscious to the 
existence of the disagreeable odor, and wondered how her 
- imagination could have so thoroughly deceived her. 

By a merciful provision of nature, all violently obnoxious 


178 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


smells are self-destructive. In course of time, they tempo- 
rarily destroy the very power by which they are recognized. 

I found occasion to learn this interesting fact when I was 
a small boy. 

I had set a steel trap in what I supposed was a wood- 
chuck’s burrow. The next morning, when I visited it, my 
nostrils were greeted with the most pronounced essence that 
I had ever experienced. 

My supposed woodchuck was a black and white creature, 
with a bushy tail, which ornamental structure he shook vig- 
orously and defiantly at me as I approached him, while the 
air became filled with a most penetrating and sickening 


odor. Iendured it however like a little man, not blaming - 


the woodchuck in the least; for I really had no idea of the 
source whence the perfume came, until after a while my 


nerves of smell became so overpowered that they resigned 


their office. 

Proudly I took my spotted, squirming woodchuck by the— 
ear, and started for home. 

(Strict veracity makes it necessary for me to explain thas 
I did not really carry him by that portion of his anatomy 
designated as the “ear,” but I have substituted that word 
, just to please Augusta.) 

During the first half-hour, he made lively use of that 
means of defence which fun-loving mother Nature had pro- 


vided him; but at last he became discouraged. He had 


never seen any one like me before; neither had I ever met 
a woodchuck before. He was astonished; so was I. 

As I climbed the garden fence, on the way to the house, [ 
caught sight of my father hoeing weeds. 

“OQ papa!” I exclaimed, see what a nice, fat woodchuck 1 
have brought home for dinner!” 





dy. Vis Bay stl ic tlh ke a aon, NN ad 
, Pra a ae e. 
TRS PS PIN keg Jol a eS 





a as rt 


& _ MISCHIEVOUS SNUFF. 179 


My father dropped his hoe and ran faster than J had ever 


WEECTT YS | 


eho | 


- OF 
seen him go before, 


making some remarks on 
the way, which I failed to 
catch. 

As I walked in at the 
back door of the kitchen, 
my mother went flying 

‘ and screaming through 
the opposite door. Then 
I strolled all through the 
house, still proudly hold- 


A\gienac//// 
SS 1-0 ER A 


& 


DEON 
" 


PT ' 


M) 
eae 


ing to my game, trying 
to find her, for I heard 
her calling me, and knew 
that she wanted some- 
thing. 

No dwelling of man was 
ever more thoroughly fu- 
migated than~ ours. I 

: was kept out of school 

two weeks, during which 
all my clothing had to be 
buried in the earth. 

To come back to the 

| Limburger cheese, we 
learned through some of 
our neighbors what the 
trouble was. Every one 
advised me to destroy my 
garments; but I remem- 





enn eres es 


bered my boyhood expe-— OVER THE GARDEN WALL. 





180 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. — eh x 
Tienes, ¢ and adopted a more seyraiee cae I ined a 
man for four dollars to take them over to New Jersey, and 
bury them in deep earth. 3 

Ten days later, I sent him again to see how they were 
doing; but he came back with the sad intelligence that some 


tramp had dug them up and carried them away. 








8 PT ae i a I ee a Ve eee tee Se Os Sa See * 
eer at ee te Se eh eR 
¥ et at le oy igs Sapte =" k? ’ ~ 7 

oe ee ae oa 


neta 


CHAPTER XVI. 
A SUMMER EXCURSION. 


T \HE next summer, we had some very hot weather, and 
Augusta suggested that we take the children and gO 
tato the country for a few days recreation. She felt the 
need of a change of air, and I also was pining for recupera- 
tion, although I was able to sit up and take nourishment. 
“T shall be satisfied with any arrangement for a short trip 
which you may make,” said Augusta, “if you will only 
atudy economy.” — 

My wife was always urging economy, economy, just as 
though I did not practice the most rigid economy always. 
I kept only one white monkey, and almost constantly deprived 
myself of its company, simply because it was cheaper to board 
# out than it would have been to repair the damages which 
would have resulted from keeping it at home. 

* Augusta,” said I,as I came home to dinner one day. 
“T have laid out our trip.” ; 

“How much will the tickets cost?” was the first question 
she asked, as though that was of the most importance. 

“JT have not sold out my newspaper business for the sake 
of a little vacation,’ I replied, somewhat irritated at her 
implied lack of confidence in my financial judgment. 

_ “Where have you decided to go?” she inquired. 
“To Central Islip, a healthful little village on Long 


Island.” 
(181) 


182 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


She seemed disappointed. 

“You told) mY |to study economy,” I continued, “and it 
occurred to me that Central Islip would be more conducive 
to that virtue than either Saratoga or Long Branch.” 

“When are we gong t rig 

“To-morrow morning.’ 

“We can’t possibly get ready in so shor. a, time.” 

“Oh, yes, we can, Augusta. J am all ready now except 
shaving.” 

“But it will be a sight of work to prepare for taking all 
the children.” 

“ Augusta,” said I, “why do you speak so impulsively ? 
The children can be got ready in twenty minutes.” 

She did not argue the point any further, but submitted 
resignedly. | 

‘‘What time to-morrow morning does our train leave ?” 
she presently asked. 

“That is where we have the advantage,” I replied. “The 
trains can go when they get ready. I have engaged a livery 
‘team. It probably will not cost over six dollars a day, and 
I do not intend to be gone over a week.” ; 

Augusta did not smile. 

“You see,” I continued, “my object was to get even with 
the Long Island Railroad corporation. It has refused to 
insert its advertisement in 7’he Farmer’s Guide, and the 
only way in which I can resent the affront is to withdraw 
my patronage. 

‘Who is going to drive the horses?” teas my wife, 
manifesting slight alarm. 

I felt that the question was an unnecessary reflection, and 
answered accordingly. 

“The twins, of course.” 















Ay 


+ 





m2 
« 










































































































































































SHOWING THEM HOW. 

































































































































































A SUMMER EXCURSION. 185 


She did not pursue the subject further. I suppose her 
conscience reproved her. 

It was nearly noon the next day before she had the chil- 
- dren ready to start. Why it took her so long, I can’t, for the 
life of me, see. I knew it made her a little nervous to have 
me keep asking what became of her-spare time; and, as I 
was particularly anxious that we should both get off feeling 
good-natured, I kept mum, only remarking, as she picked up 
the last baby and left. the house, “ My dear, is it possible 
that you are ready so soon ?” 

We started. Augusta and I occupied the front seat of — 
the carriage, she having the two youngest babies on her lap, 
~while the other four were given the back seat, with the 
privilege of sitting on, or lying under it, as their own sweet 
wills might elect. 

My horses were high-spirited, and I felt quite proud of my 
| management of them, as I drove through Broadway without 
a smash-up. 

Augusta cordially acknowledged “that I did well, and I 
appreciated her fine judgment more than ever. 

Late in the afternoon, we reached Hinsdale, and stopped 
at a farm-house to get water for the horses and milk for the 
youngsters. 

Happening to see a Farmer’s Guide lying on the sitting- 
room table, I realized at once that we were with a people 
possessing good sense, excellent taste, and lofty intelligence. 

Accordingly, I made haste to introduce myself as the editor 
of that valuable paper, to which, I had no reason to doubt, 
they could trace a large share of their agricultural success. 

It being their busy season, and they were haying, I offered 
to pitch on a load; which services were gladly accepted. 
The hay was a little green and heavy, and so was I. 





186 MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


At the first plunge of the pitch-fork, I got hold of an ~ 
entire hay-cock, and quickly threw it upon the wagon. ‘. 
This elicited great applause from all the farm hands; and 
my wife, who was an interested spectator, confessed that 
she had never seen anything like it po Bei: 
in all her life, and that she had no | 







idea I possessed such a wealth -of 
physical strength. This encouraged 
me, and I resolved to astonish the 
natives. I like to 
“show off,” espe- 
cially before Au-} 
gusta. Now was 
my opportunity to : Gs é 

let these simple Wee u, 
country folks see ee a | 
what the editor of 
The Farmer’s 
’ Guide knew about 
haying. Every 
one of them stop- 
ped their own 
work to look at 
me. Some laugh- 
ed, some shouted 
with delight; but 
all united in pay- 


A CHILD’S TOY. 


ing me flattering 
compliments. I am fond of compliments. They act as a 
powerful tonic on my ambition. 

Before I had pitched up half a dozen cocks, the mam 
who had been trying to load was completely buried out of 





A SUMMER EXCURSION. 187 


sight. I shouted to him to climd the pole. (There was a 
tall pole attached to the front of the hay-rack, to build the 
load by.) 

At the seventh cock I broke the fork-handle in two. 

“ Look here!” I exclaimed, “ why do you give a man such 
a child’s toy as this to work with? It might answer very 
well in the kitchen to toast bread on, but—” 

My remarks 
were interrupted 
by peals of laugh- 
ter. 

Amid rousing 
cheers and intense 
enthusiasm anoth- 






er and much larger 
fork was placed in my hands. 

Augusta confessed her de- 
light. Two of the men or- 
dered me to put down their 
names for Zhe Farmer's 
Guide. 

By this time the man on 


‘ Sool x ) the wagon had succeeded in 
as Le bs _ : KH oD 


Be le ay working his way to the top 
Ms of the load. 
Once more I buckled down to the work. Haycock after 
- haycock flew through the air like mad. Up went a huge 
rattlesnake, and down from the load tumbled the man, well- 
nigh frightened out of his wits. 
: Whe owner of the farm assured me that it was the first 

rattlesnake he had seen in those parts for twenty years. 

“The probability is,” said I, “ that under ordinary circum- 





188 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


stances the snakes have plenty of time to make their escape 
before a pitch-fork reaches them.” [Tremendous applause. ] 

The farmer was so delighted that he kept me and my 
family and the livery horses all night, and would not take a 
cent in return. | 

But my story is not all told. The worst is to come. 

Next morning when I awoke I discovered that I had been 
changed in the course of the night for somebody else. Both 





SALT AND ALCOHOL. 


my hands were badly blistered; my elbows had no joint-oil ; 
and my back seemed to have but one bone, which, under the 
circumstances, was most decidedly one too many. 2 . e 
“What is the matter ?”’ anxiously inquired my wife, after »* | 
I had made several ineffectual attempts to gct out of bed. 
“Tt must be the rheumatism,” said I. ‘This climate — i 


does not agree with me.”’ at ee 





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Siete Ses Gist ROR a td ae NS Monae Sc a a ae Ae TENG eos aea sre Se kame Ta 82 ts Rig ee: aR 
: ES Sita VFO UL estilo 


190 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


to “show off.’’? Iam not sure that their oats had not been 


soaked in whisky. 

How we flew! : 

What little strength I had left was soon exhausted in 
attempting to reduce our speed to the demands of reason- 
able safety. | 

“Tt is no use!” I cried in despair. “ My rheumatism is 
so bad I can’t hold them.” 


Then we changed off. I held the babies,—those which 


had not been assorted and stowed away in the hind end of 
the carriage,—while Augusta drove. Indeed, she did drive. 
There had been a shower some time in the night, which 


left the road covered with about half an inch of mud. This 


the horses vathered on their feet as they went, and plastered f 


us with it, right and left, babies and all. Then the scream- 
ing began. Every baby did its level best. 3 

I saw that Augusta had taken too large a contract, so I 
dropped the children into a promiscuous heap, and we both 
drove. | 

All the natives along the road stared with wide open 
mouths as we passed by. | 

At last we struck a little bridge and went to pieces. The 
stream of water and the bed of soft mud into which we were 
thrown undoubtedly saved our bones, if not our lives. The 
horses reserved the forward wheels of the carriage for 
their own use, and went on, just the same as though 
nothing had happened, only a little more so. 

The first thing Augusta did was to strip every baby of 
every rag, to see if it had met with any bodily injury. 
Nothing was discovered worse than black and blue spots, of 
which there were too many to mention. 


After dressing the little darlings she sat down on a log, 












A SUMMER: EXCURSION. 191 


took a good look at the wreck, considered the plight we 


were in, and began to cry. 
“T told you so!”’ she sobbed. 
As a matter of fact, she had not told me so; but I readily 
forgave her the innocent fabrication, considering some 
remarks I myself had made con- aj) a 
cerning the cause of my lame back. 










Although I was sincere in my it 
desire to comfort the poor woman, Se oe oe 
I really could not kiss her, for her 
face was already occupied, and I 
had mud enough of my 





eh 
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u fy ae 
A Vat 
ph Gieiae 












: : . Br 
own without borrowing. ere re 
Sewer 9” Ae eg 
peek Uitte nN 
os Pat LS 7 ; = O24, fs 
Z 2 Y/ vy), fe is Ls 





STRANDED. 


We were in a piece of woods, not a house in sight. 
Under such circumstances, we concluded to adopt the 


tactics of Micawber, and wait for something to turn up. 


In course of an hour, an honest farmer turned up. He 


» was afoot and alone. We learned from him that the near- 








192 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


est house was two miles away. I engaged his services to 
help us carry the babies, and we set out to walk to the house 
in question. ae | 


We had gone, perhaps, half a mile, when my wife, who 
had been bringing up the rear, suddenly cried out: 


“ August, how many babies eee PB 
have you got ?” eye j 









: 7 

“T have a whole one, I replied. re, aA 

“And how many has that 
ether man ?”’ 

“Two,” said he. 

“ And J have two,” ad- 
ded Augusta, her voice 
trembling with alarm. 

“That makes 


only five,’’ I 






; Zip SY EE. 
, - Yj S = 
ORO AMIS ade S a a An f 
IIE = : Bae St VES \ 
—= = ew aX a son th 
) _ i] he 
Rae : : sy i) A A : . 
eS aes er = maj y 
* = Se aS j yi 

——— = se DIN ( Sagyee: sof 
E oe a = SB SH 


remarked.— 

“Where can es 

the other one - 
be?” 2 

“Whereought : 

it to be?” cried ~ AN ia 

my wife, look- Sy eee 
ing at me with a 

a somewhat cae 

withering gaze. a 


; TAKING AN INVENTORY. 
She might 


Sa 
% 


have added unpleasant words, but she refrained. ets 
We took an inventory of stock, to ascertain what baby 
was missing, and found that it was my wife’s departed sis- 
ter’s child. : au 4 eee mS 
“Augusta,” said I, “are you sure you took that baby : so 


— 


, \ 
ae mee da of ie 
ry ei an ke Bante Sat ith a km 


fat 


Ree: ce ter 


tay Ailes ee 
; tis; Atte, ean et 


kh 








sf A SUMMER EXCURSION. | 193 


along when we left home? I don’t remember having 
noticed it since then.” 

Augusta pressed her lips very closely together, and pre- 
served a dignified silence. I knew then that she had respect 
for my feelings, and was making a strong effort not to 
wound them. If there isa perfect Christian in the world, 
my wife is the woman. However, I could not forget that 
she had asked me, before 
leaving home, who was 
going to drive the horses. 

We all went back to 
the place where the acci- 
dent had occurred, and 
there, soundly asleep in 
the shadow of a great 
log, was the lost child.’ 
I kissed it, partly because 
I was really glad to see 
its sweet face again, and 
partly on Augusta’s ac- 
eount. T felt that she had 
suffered enough through 
my thoughtless acts and 
more thoughtless words, 
and I was determined to 





do everything in my pow- 


THE LOST, FOUND. 


er to make atonement. | 
We retraced our steps, and in due time reached the house 
to which we had before started. 
The next morning, Augusta said she had had sufficient 
recreation; so we took the cars, and returned to New York. 
The horses were afterwards found; so I had nothing to 


al 


194 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


pay for except the carriage, and was comparatively happy. — 
Comparatively, I may well say ; for he who seeks more than 
this will find himself in pursuit of the rainbow. 

Happiness is like the fire-fly, which cannot be seen except 
when on the wing. It is like an April snowflake, disappear- 
ing the moment it rests. It is like a ray of sunlight, beau- 
tiful within an open casket, but ready to perish the instant 
the cover is shut down. It is like a tender bird, full of life 
while free, but dying in the hand that would hold it fast. 
It is like a flame, which will perpetually burn only on condi- 
tion that new fuel shall be perpetually added. Did any one 
ever have two unbroken hours of unalloyed happiness, even 
while on a vacation? I had fifteen minutes of it when I 
pitched on the load of hay; but I would not pay what it 
cost, and take it again. 





SOS SB te Sa i eee a eet oe AOR eae aol OU kw eck oy fo 
oS CP ee aie REMC D ire ae mn finn BOE No . bien paw Sa 
Pah Se ip ee “ ay 


CAPT ER XVat 
THE FUNNY COLUMN. 


HE next Sunday I went to church with Augusta. 1 
sh was but little edified, however, for the minister took 
occasion to pass some severe strictures on newspaper men. 

The queerest thing he said was, that the ‘funny column in 
almost every paper, not excepting the religious press, was 
most read, and most demoralizing of all.” As The Farmer's 
Guide had never had less than five columns of fun, I felt 
myself vituperated by this clerical onslaught. 

Nevertheless I was not too prejudiced in my own favor to 
investigate the -subject, and accordingly next morning I 
started out for the purpose of examining and cross-examin- 
ing a few notorious hard cases among sinners, that I might 
learn the sources of their degradation, poverty, and dirt. 

To find just the persons whose lives I had resolved to in- 
vestigate, necessitated my visiting a liquor saloon. Perhaps 
{ ought to beg pardon of my friend, the enemy—namely, tho 
saloon keeper, but nevertheless what I say is true. His 
business is the magnet which draws together a motley crowd 
of not over-nice people. 

Arriving at the place in question, the first person to at- 
tract my attention was a young man in years, but old in 
appearance, whose unshapely person was somewhat distended 
with beer, and whose jaws seemed to have taken a contract 

(195) 





196 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


to chew a large quantity of plug tobacco in a very limited 
time. " 

“Do you know,” said I, addressing him kindly, “that you. 
are swiftly shortening your life by the habits you are now 
indulging? You are endowed with reason, and to that I ap- 
peal in trying to persuade you to curb your appetite for these 
poisons. Think of it; that liquid in your glass, which you 
call pure brandy, is a compound consisting of nearly seventy 
per cent. water, thirty per cent. alcohol, and more or less of 
tannin, fusil oil, acetic ether, and oil of neroli. If there is 
any nourishment in that keg of beer on which you are sitting, 
you certainly cannot afford to buy it in that form, for you 





can get an equal amount at any bakery for ten cents. But — 


it is not the food part which you desire. Take the spirit out 
of the drink, and you would not touch the insipid stuff which 
remains. And what is this spirit—this wonderful aleohol— 
for which a million fortunes are spent every year? It may 
be manufactured from inorganic bodies. - The ingredients are 
olefiant gas—which is one of the components of ordinary 
coal gas—oil of vitriol, and water. Now Iam sure that you — 
and all men would abstain from this stuff if you realized 
fully what it is. In this respect chemical analysis may do 
more for you than the Women’s Praying and Working © 
Band. And as for tobacco —” ; 

“ Hold on, boss!” cried my uneasy listener, “ that’s lecture 
enough for one day ; and now I want to show you a little 
item in this morning’s paper, which is responsible for my 
being here at this minute, engaged as you find me.” 

I took the paper and read the item which he pointed out. 
in the “funny column,” as follows: 


‘‘ Mr. John Owens, who lately died at Jackson aged 114, was in some 
respects a remarkable man. He blushingly admitted that he had used 





THE FUNNY COLUMN. 197 


whiskey since he was ten years old, and chewed tobacco and smoked 
more or less for a hundred and three years.” 


I handed back the paper in disgust, and scored one point 
for the preacher. 

My next lesson was taken in New Jersey. Happening into 
the outskirts of Hoboken, I overheard the screaming of a 
young girl, indicating that she was in mortal terror. On 
rushing to her rescue, I found a half-dozen rude boys, who, 
having tied a rope around the poor creature’s waist, were 
trying to lower her into a deep well. 

Inguiring into the cause of this outrage, I was told by the 
larger boy—who might have been fourteen years old—that 
he was justified in his conduct, because he was engaged to 
the girl’s sister. 

“What difference does that make?” I asked. 

“Why,” said he, “I was readin’ in the paper t?other day 
that a good way to find out whether there is bad air in a 
well is to get a rope and let down one of your wife’s 
relatives.” 

I took out my pencil and scored another point for the 
preacher. 

When I was about ten rods away, the precocious boy whe 
was engaged to be married cried out: 

“Tsay, mister! mebby you allow I was a little too 
previous !” 

Shortly after this, | met a colored man, with whom I fell 
into conversation. Learning from his remarks that he had 
considerable property, I set about ascertaining the sources 
from which it came. It turned out that he secured start in 
business by engaging in dishonest transactions. When I 
reproved him for this, he laughed, and replied that it was 


his aim to be as much like a civilized white man as possible. 





198 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


‘“‘ But you are taking exactly the wrong course,” I said. 

“Oh, no, I aint,’ he replied. ‘My ole ooman learned to 
read, an’ she’s done got a piece in her scrap-book now what 
tells the hull story in a nut-shell.” 

“And what is that story?” I asked. “Can you repeat 
Ue 

“Oh, yaas sar, word for word: ‘ A certain bank over-paid 
one hundred dollars on a check. The Georgia negro who 
received it at once returned the money. The local paper 
says this is another evidence that the race can never be 
civilized.’ ” 

I herewith scored another point for the: preacher. 

A western town had just been greatly excited because 
three young men had beon killed in trying to apply lynch 
law toa thief. ‘This, too, I resolved to investigate. My first 
discovery was that the community thereabout respected the 
power of the mob far more than it did the tedious processes 
of law and order. I sent for the local newspaper, and found 
the funny column filled with such gems as this: 

‘**He found a rope, and picked it up, 
And with it walked away; 


It happened that to t’other end 
A horse was hitched, they say. 


They found a tree, and tied the rope 
Unto a swinging limb; 

It happened that the other end 
Was somehow hitched to him.” 


Again I scored a point for the preacher. £ 
My pursuit next led me to visit a man in the Tombs, 
eharged with murder. Among his effects, which I was per- 
mitted to examine, I found a newspaper containing this out 
rageous item, under “Wit and Humor,” and which the 





THE FUNNY COLUMN. 199 


criminal, according to his own confession, had regarded as 
“mighty good reading.” 


PowERFUL ARGUMENTS.—PROMPT CHANGE OF MIND oF A TICKET 
AcEntT.—A few days ago a tall, rough-looking mountaineer entered the 
Union Railroad ticket office at Denver, and, through mistake, purchased 
a ticket for New York va the Kansas Pacific line, when he wanted to 
go over the Union Pacific. He did not discover this fact until after the 
ticket had been paid for, and on asking the agent to change it, the lat- 
ter refused to do so. 

*¢ You won’t change this ticket, then; won’t you?” 

‘*No sir,” replied the agent; ‘‘you have your ticket and I have the 
money for it, and if you want a ticket over the other route, you will 
have to buy it.” 

Very quietly the stranger twisted his ticket into a small roll; very 
serenely he drew from under his right coat-tail a six-shooter about the 
dimensions of a mountain howitzer; coolly and deliberately he stuck 
the twisted ticket into the muzzle of that six-shooter, and sticking the 
ugly-looking thing through the little square window of the ticket 
office, and almost in the agent’s face, and speaking in the tone that left 
no doubt of his determination, said: 

‘** Stranger, thar’s that ticket; take it yourself and change it, or ll 
blow it clean through you.” 

The ticket was changed immediately, and without any more words 
from the agent; and the mountaineer walked away, saying: ‘‘I jest 
thought I could induce him to change his mind a leetle.” 


I was now satisfied that the clergyman was partially right. 

Wholly right he certainly was not; for if humor were as 
completely banished from literature as he hoped and prayed 
it might be, all books and papers would be as dry as his own 
sermons, and as quickly relegated to the dust of ages. 

A certain degree of mirthfulness is as essential in the 
proper disposition of mental food as pebbles are in a chicken’s 
crop. As a hen swallows wholesome stones, and rejects 
poisonous minerals, so ought men to draw the line with ut- 
most care between wit good and wit evil. 

Says Wolcott: 


‘*Oare to our coffin adds a nail, no doubt; 
But every laugh so merry draws one out.” 


200 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


The Bible, itself, is not too sanctimonious to recognize 
some of the witicisms of man. 


Take, for example, the illustration of the “ mote” and the | 
“beam.” It originated in Judea, when Israel was ruled by — 


judges. One day a suitor said to the judge, “ Would that 
you could pluck the mote (that is, small stick) from your 


> 


eye.’ To which the judge retorted, quickly as a flash: 
“Would that thou couldst pull the whole beam from your 
own eye.” I can imagine what a roar of laughter followed 
this sally, and how the marshal grew hot with excitement 


as he called “ Order! Order! or I will clear the court-room!” 


The divine master had read or heard this anecdote, and did 


not hesitate to apply it to the lesson he would impart. 

The good and evil of this world comes into such intimate 
relationship, even in our laughter, that there is no moral 
safety for any one except in constant distillation of right 
from wrong. Sate 


Imitate the sun; it does not cry out in agony, “* Water, 


_ water everywhere; but not a drop to drink!” But it pa- 


tiently shines on the great dark sea, drawing therefrom 
naught but fresh, pure, sweet water, leaving base minerals 
and salts to sink into the unfathomable depths. 





¥ Wars Goer 4 he, gee Ry hi irate Aa Oe We. a haee RN” ite SOY hee er a? TER 0 elas ~ Pea . oe Ny * a 1 eer res eter t 
ee pet Pe eee Pe a eh iene spores ya Bae eat eee Noe y Ve U - : e sete oe 
Eee Scho ee Le he nore ge ESS ; vs ; : ; < 4 Pa * 


ee. 


- 


CHAPTER XVIII. 
OQUR FIRST AFFLICTION, 


Y “good streak” still continued, and in view of the 

fact that my dear wife had not had a very enjoyable 
vacation, | was anxious that she should go to a Sunday- 
school pic-nic, which was about to take place at Glen Island. 
I knew that it would require some finesse on my part. to 
get her to go, for | was determined that she should leave all 
the children at home in order that she might have a good 


-day’s rest. 


“ Augusta,” said I, “would it give you pleasure to be of 

assistance to me in my business ?” 
~* Most assuredly, it would,” she replied. 

“Very well, then. I want to get a little report of to 
morrow’s Sunday-school pic-nie for The Farmer's Guide. 
Would you be kind enough to go up to Glen Island and 
spend the day receiving mental impressions, just to accom. 
modate me? You will enjoy the sail up the Hudson ever 
so much.” 

“ But what is to become of the children?” 

“Our nurse has always proved herself quite trustworthy, 
and will doubtless take cood care of them in your absence. 
Besides,” added I, as a clincher to the whole argument, “J 
shall be at home myself most of the day, and can give my 


personal attention to the little darlings.” 


(201) 


202 oes MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


Augusta hesitated for a moment, but finally, out of the 


richness of her heart, spoke like a true woman. 

“It will seem strange to be separated from the children, 
and I am sure I shall be thinking of them continually, and 
imagining all manner of evil befalling them ; but inasmuch 
as I can be of service to you, I gladly consent to go.” 

I shook hands with myself, so to speak, on the triumph 
of my tact. ee 

Next morning Augusta got off in good season after giving 
all manner of warning and instruction concerning the 


babies. 





UP THE RIVER. 


Then I stayed at the house awhile chatting with the old 
nurse about the respective merits of the children. She 
agreed with me fully (I was paying her ten dollars a week), 
that the twins were the best looking, the best behaved, and 


the best every way. She agreed further that Pete was the 


homeliest and most ill-tempered of the entire six. He was 
one of the two who had been brought to us in a basket. 

Thus, the old nurse and myself were getting along very 
harmoniously in our comparison of views, when the door- 








- OUR FIRST AFFLICTION. j 203 


bell rang, and a messenger announced a telegram directed 
fo heres ae 
She was called to go immediately to Paterson, where her 
. only sister lay dangerously ill. She went. 
Pe, All the babies seemed to miss her at once, and I soon 


found myself with my hands 





TM 
Sree 
era é 


Faker : 
Lee SSS 


uerge 


e : =f eS % 
7 ~ Pe. = Ny e¢ 
wast é: ca Ea Sane ee OS 
en's — 2 =: = a : ae be <=s 
Sas Ys : ess SS! 


eS anes 
SS — 


) K S a os 
“ ———s[ —— 
Sea 
— 


iw 


f 
zm) 


DOMESTIC DUTIES. 


; : full. Scream they would, at the top of their voices, in spite 
. of all the shaking I could give them. 
: At last I thought of the medicine for colic. I thought I 
2 knew the very bottle in which it was kept. However, I 
would not risk it on the twins, but forthwith administered a 
good dose to Pete. He was always the darling I resorted to 
whenever I wanted to try an experiment. In this case the 
remedy seemed not to prevail. I discovered afterward, 
: that, in the place of soothing syrup, I had given him a 
* leap spoonful of hair-oil. ; 





204 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


Towards evening a well-dressed and gentlemanly appear- 
ing stranger called on me. I could not make him out. He - 


evidently wished to disguise the true object of his visit. He 
manifested a most lively interest in the children, asking 
scores of questions about them. But his chief attention 
centered on Pete. To him he spoke in subdued, affectionate 





“WAIT A MINUTE !” 


tones. Pete did not seem to be feeling very wefl. and I Pee e 


thought this might be the circumstance which elicited the 
stranger’s sympathy. 


“ Mr. Berkeley,” said he, as he took the child in his arin 


and kissed him, ‘‘ I want to impart the secret of my life to 
you, after which I shall ask a great favor which I fear you 
will not be willing to grant.” _ : See 

“Wait a minute,” said I, for I had just caught sight of a 





of 


i* 








‘OUR FIRST AFFLICTION. 205 


* 


neighbor’s cat which had stolen into the room. But I was 
too late. The cat gave a spring and seized my wife’s favor- 
ite canary, which I had let out of its cage an hour before 
for the purpose of amusing the children. 

One of the last things Augusta 
had said before leaving was: “ take 
good care of the birds!” 












1 resolved to recover her 
canary if possible. 

The first thing I did was 

to hurl a bottle of medicine 








——s 
< 


i ‘\ ; 


ONIN, 
an \\ 
i Hic 


aoe 
oes 





























; PENNS Pe \ 0 ; 
\ es Rl at the thief, but 
| \ ili NE » WES eA H {17 j Po © 
AN ae tn x Atty FF 7 she, thinking she 
Wy ‘ {Yay} NS r . 
NW did’nt need it, 
ANY LM 


stepped one side 


at 
pone St 


NASSAR: AN M\\\ S 
\ WANA and let it go 


as 


through the lower _ 


We 
LEE 
Ped 

a 


oe Fa 
‘4: 
ez rte 


part of a mirror. 





A 
UZVA 





This provoked 


ia 
cy 
re 





r Z 
VE 
LZ Zk 
me 


b=) 


me, and as the cat 
was now on her 
way down stairs, 
i I seized a half- 
dozen china 
plates—and pur- 
sued her. She 
flew through a 


window, and as I 


A GOOD SHOT. 


3 had to stop to 
open the outer door, I fell somewhat behind. I succeeded 
in reaching the piazza, however, just as the beast dashed 


down the steps, and after her I hurled the plates. The two 
| = 18 








296 MY WIFE'S FCOL OF A HUSBAND. 
a 


first missed the mark, but the third took her squarely near 
the flanks and got a magnificent purchase. Never did I 
see a more beautiful sight than the way in which the cat 
was thrown. It was worth more thana circus. Her double 
somersault would have been the envy of Barnum’s cham- 
pion acrobat. My wrath all turned into joy as I saw her 
stagger to her feet, and lean against the fence for support. 

But I experienced a new sensation when a very tall, thin 


man, dressed in citizen’s clothes, laid his 






hand on my shoulder, and said: ‘ Come, 
sir, | want you to go with me.” 
cy i uy 2 ” 
Where are you going? 
l asked, a little savagely. 
To a place in Mercer % y 





























Street.” eae D Jas 

“ What place ?” y fy 

“The police-station of the 7 
precinct.” | A ey ha 

“‘ Let me alone,” I vocifer- .. i i i) AN Nee f 

: SRE MS RSG HRI /A. 

ated. ‘ You are nothing but | ia | is mnt | i iA 
a meddling citizen.” al || SO 

“You are mistaken,” said ~~, a i 
he coolly. “I am connected — SSS 





with the Humane Society, ih Sik Ghee 
and have authority to arrest | 
you for “ cruelty to animals.” 
“ That settles it,” said I. é cs 
Perhaps he would have been lenient toward me if I had 
gently explained to him the exact situation in which I was 
placed with reference to my home affairs, but, unfortu- 
| nately, I was too angry to even inquire after his health. 


I did tell the captain of police when I reached the sta 





OUR FIRST AFFLICTION. 207 


tion that my wife had gone to the pic-nic, my nurse to 
New Jersey, and that there was no one left at home to take 
care of my sixdarling babies, except a man whom I didn’t 
know; but the captain never shed a tear. He was accus- 
tomed to pitiful tales. 

He informed me that I must occupy a prisoner’s cell until 
the next morning, and that then I would be sent to court 
for trial. 

My wife returned from the pic-nic at an early hour, and 
probably reached the house about the time I was incarcer- 
ated. What a sight met her gaze! 

Fragments of the broken mirror were scattered about the 
room. A medicine bottle was smashed. Six china plates 
were missing. The best bird was gone, the nurse was gone, 
I was gone, and little Pete was gone—with the stranger. 

The next day when I was permitted to go home, Augusta 
and I had our saddest meeting. For some seconds neither 
of us could speak. But even in her pitiful look I could 
detect no shadow of that reproof which I felt 1 deserved. 

Explanations were made, and then with one accord, we 
both cried out from our afflicted hearts, “ Poor Pete! Poor 
Pete!” : 

For the first time I was made to realize how even that 
child had woven its precious life around my affections. I. 
no longer regarded him as ill-tempered, but nervous, timid, 
and weakly. More than any one of the others he should 
have been uniformly treated with kindness and patience. 
How sorely I regretted every hasty word I had ever spoken 
to, or of him. I would have given anything in the world to 
have been able to recall the past, or to efface from memory 
that nauseous dose of hair-oil which I had put into his 
- mouth. i | 





208 _ MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


How little did either Augusta or I care for the loss of 
birds, mirrors, or china plates, compared with that of this 
ene child. 

‘We never know the true value of any human soul until 
we stop to think,—and sometimes it requires the wrath of 
high heaven to set us thinking. 

I employed detectives to try to find Pete. 

Instead of giving a report of the Sunday-school pic-nic in 
the next issue of Zhe Harmer’s Guide, I used all my spare 


space in condemning that system of government which 


allows a respectable citizen to be arrested for some insignifi- 
cant offence; and to be thrown into prison with hardened 
eriminals, without having any opportunity to secure bail 
until court sits, which may not be until the next day. 





BEHIND THE BARS. 


As to the children, we kept up the original number, for it 
was not long before another little darling came to board with us. 
He did not come in a basket, either. 





1 


ee). ey Bla eee ee ere SS Ae Gg ee ee a we” ere ae 
pe ar eee kee a Shain ari, paths , 
= *, : et SE) sa - 4 b , 

‘ apes os 


Cree bre Rox. 
‘A FIGHT WITH A GHOST. 


N the interest of the Guide I visited the great Perkins 

farm on Long Island. I was scarcely out of Brooklyn 

on my way to it when I met a well-dressed gentleman run- 
‘ning at great speed. 

“¢ What is the trouble?” I inquired. 

“Oh,” said he, “there is a woman back here who was 
trying to get over a fence; she has fallen and her foot is 
caught so that she cannot get away, and she is in great suf- 
fering, and I am hunting for somebody that knows her to 
go to her assistance.” 

“¢ Why did you not help her out of the trouble yourself ?” 

“So I would,” said he, “ but I have never been introduced 
to her.” 

“An escaped lunatic!” I said to myself, yet on more 
deliberate reflection, I was not so certain of it; for I remem- 
bered that during the period that I was suffering witha 
malignant form of apparently incurable impecuniosity, there 
were people who were rather particular not to come too close 
to me unless they had been socially vaccinated. 

In those days Augusta and I went to a certain church 
three months without having any attention paid to us, and 
afterward when the question came up at the Ladies’ Social 


Circle whether any of its members knew who we were, every 
(209) 


910 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


lady acknowledged that she did, but gave it as a reason 
for never having spoken to us that she had never been 
introduced. 

At the Perkins’ farm I went into ecstacy over every thing 
in general as the proprietor grew enthusiastic in its descrip- 
tion. This is a fault of my impulsive nature. Momentarily, 
at least, 1 am carried completely away on the wings of every 
stirring occasion. When I go to a revival meeting there is 
nothing I so ardently want as religion. J think I would 
give the world for it. Next day, if I read an account of 
some shrewd burglar who has entered a bank, cracked open 
the best safe ever made, and coolly walked off with half a 
million in cash, I find myself envying him to the extent 
of repining that my own early education was somewhat 
neglected. . 

When Mr. Perkins went into raptures over the fine quali- 
ties of his Berkshires and Chester Whites, there was nothing 
on earth seemed so desirable to me as a drove of pigs. I 
wanted to buy all he had and astonish Augusta. He told 
me he had a number,—he could not tell how many—that 
had got away, gone into the woods and had become wild, 
and that he would allow any man to catch them at the 
halves. 

That struck me as an easy way of coming into possession 
of valuable game. What were the wild-boar hunts in which 
our Saxon ancestry engaged compared with this ? Why go 
to the Adirondacks to shoot some poor stag that, having been 
driven into the water and surrounded by boats, is held by 
the tail by some well-paid native until the gun can be dis- 
charged, when right here was a brilliant opportunity for a_ 
huntsman to distinguish himself. I was determined to try it. 

Next morning I went early to the woods to begin my day’s 





mm 


A FIGHT WITH A GHOST. 211 





work. A yard had been fenced off in the middle of the 
forest, and in one corner of the yard was a little house for 
: the pigs to occupy in case they should weary of all cut-doors 
and seek more comfortable quarters. 

My plan was to drive the swine into this inclosure, where, 
according to the contract, half of them would be mine. 


ee 
cc 





A PIG RACKET. 


In about an hour I caught sight of one and gave him 
-shase. I believe we both got more of it than we anticipated. 
He went through a blackberry patch at least twenty times, 
for he seemed to know that I had on my best suit of clothes. 
I caught him at last, for [ am a good runner, notwith- 
standing the size of my feet. Then I was lost. Which way 


4 









a 


—_— 


SN re Oe Ae ots. a See Bee? Ue ee ee a ae et oe ee ee res i 
. ¥ t ae AP ri S =: = ad i ae Ht Sate WY >. as 
x > x soft / ee 
3 f “ 7, 2 ee eh py 


212 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


to steer him I did’nt know. I held to his two hind legs 
while he exercised his fore legs as best he could. It was a 
go-as-you-please race on his part, and luckily for me he chose 
to go to the inclosure. When I had put him in and stopped ~ 
up the entrance, I patted myself on the back, so to speak, 
and went in search of another; and again met with success. 
Hight times before night I put a pig into the yard and had 
the satisfaction of seeing him run into the sty. It was the 
hardest day’s work I ever did. Four fine porkers to take 
home to Augusta! How fondly I anticipated the kisses and 
praises she would shower upon me when she received the 
present. 

You should have seen Mr. Perkins open his eyes when I 
told him that I had captured eight swine. 

He was astonished. So was I the next day when I learned 
the truth of the matter. I had caught the same pig over 
and over again, for after each capture he had made his escape - 
through the sty. And anyhow he was only an ancient, 
good-for-nothing brute that Perkins had put into the woods 
to act as a decoy so that the others might be led into the 
piggery. : 

While everybody was laughing at me, I moralized by con- 
sidering how I had been engaged all my life in trying to 
encompass a few common-sense ideas. The trouble is that 
as soon as I get one into my brain it makes its escape 
through some neglected passage-way. In other words, my 
moral side has a broken down door. te 

“ Hold good that which is good,” may be an old-fashioned 
command, but after all it contains the gist of all wisdom. 

The trouble with the modern mode of teaching is that it 
contemplates nothing but crowding in and has no concern 
over what may be crowded out. In its hot haste for acquisi- 





A FIGHT WITH A GHOST. . 213 


tion it neglects retention. It urges the accumulation of a 
large store even when the store-house is badly dilapidated. 


It is constantly putting new wine into old bottles. 


The marking and grading which our schools are using is 


productive of mental mischief. Pupils learn their lessons 





for temporary results only—the magic ten or one hundred, 
as the case may be. What is thus obtained neither endures 
nor promotes endurance. One may commit to memory a 
dozen pages for a particular occasion, or he may perform the 
same task for the purpose of increasing his permanent fund 
of knowledge. In the first instance the lesson will be likely 
to fade out as soon as the occasion for learning it has passed ; 
while in the other, it will always remain. The motive which 
prompts one to learn is of as much importance as the learn- 
ing itself. It decides not the quantity of learning, but its 
texture. 

Intellectual surfeit is so much worse than intellectual 
hunger that I am no longer surprised when I see how many 
of our young men the schools and colleges are ruining. 

A: man will read three newspapers, spending two or three 
hours in the perusal, and when asked what the news is, will 
answer, “ Nothing.” A boy spends four years in college, 
only to give a similar answer when, in after life, the world 
demands of him what great thing he has learned. 
To return to my narrative. I remained another night at 
the Perkins farm, and became the victim of a terrible fright. 
My sleep was broken at the best, for my experience in the 
woods had set every bone and muscle of my body to aching, 

lt must have been after midnight when I was aroused by 
a strange sound in my room. I sprang up in bed and 
looked toward the door, when my eyes met an object that 
caused my heart to stop beating. I recollected that Perkins 


214 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


had told me just before I retired, that some persons were 
afraid of his house because it had the reputation of being 
haunted. I had thought then that my mind was too well 
poised to be frightened at such a relic of ancient and bar- 
barous superstition. 

Now here I was, trembling like an aspen leaf, in the 
presence of what I really believed was a veritable ghost. 
The room was dark as a pocket, save the presence of my 
uncanny visitor, who glowed with a dim, plutonic lght 
which served to reveal every feature of his barbarous coun- 
tenance. He was a full-grown Indian, and grasped a toma- 
hawk in his right hand. 7 

Hither the apparition moved to and fro—now approaching 
my bedside and then retreating toward the door—or my 
nerves were so agitated that the optic mechanism was suffi- 
ciently wrought upon to make this result seem real. What 
is that which we call seeing except more or less, longer or 
shorter, vibrations communicated through the cornea, 
through the retina, through the optic nerve, through the 
brain, to the mind? Generally, external objects set these 
vibrations going, but if, under peculiar circumstances, they 
ean be set going from internal’ causes, the same mental 
sensations which accompany thé seeing of tangible objects 
will be produced. This is philosophy ; but when a man is 
thoroughly frightened, his philosophy is the first to run. It . 
is the biggest coward in the known universe. 

After a long period of agonizing silence and suspension, I 
spoke to the ghost, but he did not respond. Anyway, he 
could not have understood a word I said, for my voice had 
the shakes beyond control. 

Gaining a little more courage, I felt for my revolver, and 
when I had it well in hand I succeeded in saying : 








A FIGHT WITH A GHOST. 915 


“Tf you are human, say so, for I am going to shoot.” 
Silence reigned supreme. 
I shot. 


The ghost did not wince. 














BIG INJUN. 


Again I dischargad my piece, and yet again, and again. 
_ The ghost still stood his ground. 


What gave me new surprise and further alarm was thas 


216 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


the report of my weapon brought no response from the 
household of men, women, and boys. A vague suspicion 
crept over me that my superhuman visitor had already slain 
everybody on the haunted premises except myself. 

“ Perkins!’ I cried, just to see what effect it would have, 
and when it had no effect whatever, I called louder and 
louder; but no answer came. ; 

I was not happy. The few moments seemed a week that 
I was in the horrible situation, when I boldly determined to 
die rather than to endure it another minute. Silently I 
attended to my devotions, and then jumped out of bed and 
walked straight to the apparition. Instead of vanishing, he 
loomed up more clearly than before. Evidently he was not 
intangible, for when I touched him he presented all the 
resistance of a solid body. And go he was, for, as I ascer- 
tained from Mr. Perkins and the boys, who finally rushed 
into the room, nearly dead with suppressed laughter, I had 
been frightened nearly out of my wits by one of those 
wooden Indians which are set in front of tobacco stores, and 
which Perkins had covered with phosphorescent paint, intend- 
ing to set the figure in his watermelon patch to scare away 
night-prowling boys, but which for the time had been left stand- 
ing in the corner of the room assigned to me for that night. 

I was so strongly impressed with the practical utility of 
this ingenious contrivance that I resolved to purchase it te 
set in my basement hall, which, on two occasions, had beer 
entered by sneak thieves. es 

Mr. Perkins felt that my stay with him had not been 
quite as pleasant as he could have wished, so his heart was 
melted. and he made me a present of the Indian ghost. 

T could hardly wait to get home to show it to Augusta. : 


When I did get home it was late at night, and my wife 





A FIGHT WITH A GHOST. mah ff 


had retired and was soundly asleep. Not wishing to disturb 
her sweet slumber, I had the cadaverous Indian placed 
quietly in her room, so that she could admire it the first 
thing in the morning; and then resorted, with a peaceful 
conscience, to my own bed-chamber. 

There was no good reason for Augusta’s waking up until 
daylight, but, most inauspiciously, she opened her cyes an 
hour or two before dawn. 

She is not superstitious! Oh, no! I have heard her say 
so a hundred times. Whois? Who is not? | 

If any one supposes there is going to be anything to laugh 
at in the conclusion of this account, he will labor under an 
enormous mistake. 

Augusta very nearly lost her reason, if not her life. All 
the children went wild with grief. We had four doctors at 
the house for several. days, and it was two weeks before the 
best woman in the world could be pronounced out of danger. 

I am wondering yet whether my darling feels the same 
affection for me that she once’ did. | 

Fear is the great enemy of human peace. Often when 
men have suceeeded in keeping alive in spite of foul air, 
poisonous food, scorching heat, or freezing cold, some mis- 
erable fear has carried them off. It will render the blood 
as acrid as a dose of calomel. In view of these facts, it 
may not be too much to say that the only instance in which 
fear may be properly encouraged is in teaching theology or 
piety. It is perhaps justifiable for men and women to 
become uncontrollably excited over the tweedle-dee and 
_tweedle-dum of religion, while the great questions of 
hygiene, on which depend life and death, are scarcely 
3 thought of for an instant. 

But I can never forgive myself for frightening Augusta. 


°CHAPIER 20%: 
A FAMILY JAR. 


UGUSTA used to irritate me by opposing some of my 
pet schemes. She seemed to forget that a man isa 
man, While a woman is nothing but @ woman. 

One day we almost quarreled, and this was the way of it. 

A farmer brought us a large jar of sweet cream in pay- 
ment for his paper for one year. 

Augusta said it must be churned. I volunteered to 
borrow the churn if she would do the rest. She made 
some trivial excuse about two or three of the babies being 
sick, and insisted upon my doing the heavy work. I was 
fortunate enough to find a churn at a second-hand store, 
which I hired for a dollar, 4nd then engaged an express 
team to deliver it. 

At first I thought it would be rather entertaining to watch 
the butter come, but when I had churned a minute or two, 
and it didn’t come, I called Augusta, and told her there was 
something wrong with it. She made no very complimentary 
remark, and soon left me to myself. 

Then I set my wits to work, hoping I might devise some 
easy way of performing the task. I sat down on a pile 
of potatoes, where I remained nearly an hour, when sud- 
denly a brilliant idea came to me, flashing through my brain 
like a meteor across the sky. Perhaps it was something 
of which I had some time read in a penny newspaper, but 
no matter, it was as good as original in the hour of need, 


(218) 





A FAMILY JAR. “919 


and had required for its. production or reproduction, as_ 
the case may be, the en- 
tire force of my intellect. 

Away I went to Fulton 
Market, where I bought, 
for ten cents apiece, a 
half dozen of the biggest 
frogs I could find. I 
thought that if I put the 
frogs into the cream they 
would do nothing but 
kick, in their efforts to 
geé out, and that this 
would bring the butter 
without fail. 

Reaching home, I hur- 
ried into the cellar and 
untied the bag that con- 
tained my game. Unfor- 
tunately for the success 





of my plan, five of the 











frogs made their escape, 
and I discovered that 
they were remarkably 
lively as they scattered 
in five different direc- 
tions. Thrusting the re- 
maining one into the 


churn, I started in hot 




















pursuit of the others. 


























My success was not phe- at EE pt adin 


-nomenal. In an evil moment I called Augusta to come 


» 





se 


EOVAL MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


and help me catch them. Just as she was coming down 

stairs, one of the big, ereen-legeed reptiles made a bound 

to go up. ‘To hear that woman scream and to see her turn 

and run, you would have thought she had met either a 

band of wild Indians — or a mouse. : 
From the top stairs of the upper story I soon heard her 

trembling voice, and knew that she was secs into the 
nature of the enemy. 


In order to show my own bravery in comparison with her 


timidity, I resolved 
to catch as many of 
the creatures as I 
could, and hold 
them in my hands 
before her eyes. 
After some mo- 
ments I succeeded 





< Wa i Uy df, in catching one, and 
i Hl Ve ue See ' that I took from the 
AN ts, CB Uy; i . : 

Mf Yj \/ churn. 


With its heavy 


WITH CREAM GRAVY. 
overcoat of cream, 


no person would have mistrusted it was a frog, but I thought. 
the exhibition would be all the more interesting on that — 


account. 

Augusta thought, as I approached her, that I had a hand- 
ful of butter, for she ordered me to put it on a plate, when 
the thing gave a spring, and in its blindness would have 
landed plump in Augusta’s face had she not dodged. This 
unfortunate movement on her part allowed the frog te 
sprawl itself across the mouth of one of the twins; thereby 
creating a disturbance which frightened all the rest of the 





A FAMILY JAR. LA | 


children, who at once set up a deafening uproar; while the 
cause of the alarm kept on in his mad career, marking his 
course by a zigzag streak of cream over the floor. 

Augusta was the first to cool down, although it was a 
long time before she became entirely possessed of her better 
feelings, so that she could express that high appreciation of 
which I was deserving. Meanwhile she declared impulsively 
that she would never eat any of the butter which that frog 
had been in. 

I reasoned with her, but it was useless. In vain I 
pleaded that the butter had not come, and that therefore the 
. frog could not have touched it. 

“ Besides,” said I, “it is foolish to object to the use of 
frog’s legs as a churn, when you know very well that if they 
had been first fried and then served with cream gravy you 
would have received them with open countenance.” 

But my argument was lost, for, as Dr. Hammond so 
learnedly shows, women are not logical. 

However, when my dear wife had quieted the last child, 
and cleaned up, as best she could, the last oily spot on the 
- carpet —the frog having been properly disposed of by me— 
she became so far self-poised as to promise that if I would 
not put any more horrid creatures into the cream, she would 
allow the butter to be kept in the house — for cooking. 

But the butter existed as yet only in potentiality. 

Again I pondered. In two hours a happy thought came. 
I was overjoyed.- Nothing like it had ever entered my mind 
before. I doubted not that I could patent the ee and 
make it pay me considerable income. 

The new plan was easily arranged, although it necessitated 
my borrowing another churn, on the same terms under 


which I had obtained the first. 
14 





oy) MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


Next I hired a man to procure a long-legged saw-horse 
and a large, new board. Having had these purchases deliy- 
ered in the alley adjacent to my house, I had only to set the 
wooden horse on its legs, balance the board on top, and the 
thing was done. 

_ In less than ten minutes, sixty-fiv: boys were gathered 
there, having a jolly time with what they called a “ teeter.” 

Under each end of the board I now placed a churn, at-_ 





BERKELEY'S CREAMERY. 


tached the handle of it.to the see-saw, and then retired to 
my sitting-room as happy as a lord. 
In due time the butter came. ee 
Barring the slight accident which caused one of the 
churns to be upset and broken, for which I had to pay 
damages amounting to two dollars and fifty cents, every 
thing resulted as I had anticipated. a = 
But will you believe it? Augusta gave me no credit for 











A FAMILY JAR. 233 


” 


being smart. She even went so far as to intimate that I 
was a fool for getting a second churn, when by a little dif- 


ferent arrangement one could have been made to operate as 


well as two. 

But I silenced that kind of instinct very quickly by 
making her acknowledge, after a long controversy, that in 
the event of my having had but one churn, when that was 
upset I should have lost the entire stock of butter instead 
of half of it. My long-headedness having provided for acci- 
ei. dents, I was now 
the proud possessor 
of one pound and a 
half of good cook- 
ing-butter, which 
had cost me in 
actual outlay — but 
that is neither here 
nor there. As I 
said to Augusta, 
when she had ardu- 
ously figured up the 


A DISCIPLE OF TANNER. 


3 grand total on a 
large piece of paper, “‘ Cheap enough, considering all the fun 
I have had.” 

My helpmeet, however, refused to be pacified. 

Another thing that cast a shadow athwart her conjugal 
felicity was that I had insisted on taking a Sunday boarder. 
She had protested vigorously at the time, evolving the conclu- 
sion from her instinct that it would be an unprofitable venture. 

Nevertheless, I had carefully reasoned upon the subject, 
and I had agreed by written contract, and in consideration 
of advance payment, to furnish Sunday meals to the gentle- 
man for one year. 


4 


094 MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


At the time of the butter episode, we had had him three 
weeks, at a clear loss of four dollars. 

We did not then know, what we afterwards ascertained, 
that he was an enthusiastic disciple of the celebrated_ 
Dr. Tanner, and had acquired the art of fasting six days, in 
order to be able to fill himself to repletion on the seventh, 
which arrangement was a profitable one for him. 

Unegraciously, if not inconsiderately, as it seemed to me, 


Augusta repeatedly hinted that [ was not a good financier. 


“T hope,” she said,.“‘that, hereafter, you will collect =~ 
your bills in a business-like way, instead of waiting for — 
: 4 


your debtors.to bring in country produce.” 

“Oh, yes,” I replied; “you would be very glad to have me 
away from home the most of the time.” 

“ Write dunning letters,” she suggested. 

“ Now you have said it! I see you understand business. 
Do you suppose I have not tried sending bills? There is 


Kill, for example; a little town on the Hudson River. - 


The Farmer's Guide has a hundred subseribers there, and 
although I have written to them again and again, they 
manifest no disposition to liquidate their indebtedness.” 

“But is it not barely possible,” inquired my spouse, in 
her blandest tones, “that: masmuch as your handwriting 
has innumerable special peculiarities which render it illegi- 
ble except to experts —”’ 

I waited not for another word. 

This insinuation in, reference to my chirography was the 
straw which broke the camel’s back. 

She had already almost scolded about the butter and the 
boarder, and I made up my mind then and there that it was 


my matrimonial duty to make her sorry for her thoughtless 


words. 


a. en cae > 





A FAMILY JAR. 225 


Without deigning any reply, I calmly supported my 
dignity while I got myself up in the best possible manner, not 
even neglecting to put on my high-standing collar and white 
necktie. 

It was not long before Augusta’s curiosity bubbled over. 

“ Where in the world are you going?” she asked. 

“Going to Kill on the next train,” I replied, sullenly. 

“Why do you wear your 
best clothes ?” she inquired, 
‘some what sadly. 

“« Because, first they are 
my own to do what I please 
with; second, I please to 
wear them; third, I may fall 
in with some ladies who can 
find something in me worthy 
of admiration, in which 
event I shall remain awhile 
and visit.” 

“Surely, you are dressed 
to kill!” said Augusta, as I 


finished my toilet by vigor- 





ously shaking a bottle of 


SUPPORTING HIS DIGNITY. 


paregoric over my white 
pocket-handkerchief, under the impression that I was using 
my wife’s limited supply of German cologne. 

« But, really, she added, “ you do look nice; and now that 
you have such a solemn face, you might pass very well for a 
“clergyman.” 

Doubtless this remark was designed to promote cheerful- 
ness, but, if so, it completely failed of its aim. As I look 
back upon the scene, I am heartily ashamed of myself that 


226 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


I could present such a wall of adamant to the blessed sun- 
light of that woman’s noble heart. | 

Yet she, too, was sad—how painfully so, only woman 
knows—but she would fasten in her tears with a smile 
until left alone, and then—but enough of this. 


“Do you realize,” said she, in her pleasantest manner, 


“that it is Saturday afternoon, and that if you go to-day it 
will necessitate your being away from us over Sunday ?” 

I had not thought of the day, but nevertheless, since I 

had set my head on being nothing if not contrary, I per- 
sisted in letting my fit have its run. — 
“Yes,” I replied; “I am supposed to know what day I 
have arrived at without being specially instructed. Your 
woman’s wonderful intuition has correctly informed you 
that to-morrow will be Sunday. So much the better. I 
ean have one Sabbath day of quiet comfort.” 

Augusta was hurt. Had I struck her a severe blow with 
my hand, | do not think I could have been more cruel. 
Still, I was not particularly angry. I scarcely know what 


I was. I have always been a mystery to myself. Were it — 


not for seeming to speak disrespectfully of my sainted 
parents, I should openly confess that I was born with a 
streak of depravity in me, as wide as a ten-pound baby. 
But being under Scriptural obligation to honor my father 
and mother, that my, days and nights may be long, I sup- 
pose it is my duty to say that naturally I am a person of 
remarkable excellence of chgracter. However, my fine 
quality did not prevent my leaving Augusta without kissing 
her good-bye, by which unpardonable conduct I made myself 


more miserable than ever, while she, who had once trust-— 


ingly joined her heart to mine, for better, for worse, was 


left to spend weary hours in unspeakable sadness, severely 








A FAMILY JAR. 227 


reproaching, not me, but herself, with every lack in our 
domestic felicity. 

The devotion of woman is some- 
thing marvelous. It is said that 
Venus would lay waste the world to 
save the life of him she loved. But 
what of him? He ought to be 
ashamed of himself for not being a 
better man. 

It is woman’s fidelity which has 
saved the Church. Yet it 
has ‘not always been kind 









to her in return. The mean- 
est discourtesy she has ever 
received has come from 
theologians. Thus a certain 
bishop, speaking of the evils 
of the world “for which she 
alone is responsible,” in- 


ON A COLLECTING TOUR. 


dulges in this poor wit: 
“Many a man has had his head broken by his own rib!” 
Avaunt! 


XS ae et ae 
; > EEL ure 


CH AURORE le 
A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY. 


~ RRIVING at Kill late at night, I was about to inquire 
aN the way to a hotel, when a gentlemanly colored per-— 
son doffed his hat to me and politely asked if I was Mr. 
Berkeley from New York. 

“‘ Yes, sir,’ I answered. 

“ So I thought,” said he, “I’se had consider’ble sperence 
at dis business, an’ I nebber failed to fotch de right pusson.” 

“Who are you, and what do you want ?”’ I inquired, as he 
took possession of my grip-sack and led the way to a 
carriage. | 

“Tse Mr. Roberts’s man. He sent me fur you. Right 
dis way, please!” 

So saying, he opened the carriage door, and in a sort of 
maze I entered, sank into the luxurious cushions, and was 
driven off. | 

In the course of a few. minutes the spirited horses were 
brought to stand in front of a most imposing mansion. 

Assisted to alight and escorted to the house by another 
negro, | was met at the door by the lordly proprietor, who 
with much flourish introduced me to Mrs. Roberts, and also 
to their daughter, a charming Miss of some twenty summers ; 
who, to my great surprise, received me with a display of 


enthusiastic cordiality which outdid everything else. 
0( 228) 





229 


A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY. 


During the conversation which followed, and to which I 


contributed as liberally as I could without disclosing my 
identity, I succeeded in learning that 1 had been mistaken 


for a bachelor clergyman, who for several months had been 


7 


conducting an affectionate correspondence with Miss Roberts 





ake : ! 
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ase tease ces 
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A WARM RECEPTION, 


And that t 


ds, 


ien 


his had been brought about by mutual fr 


without the lovers themselves ever having met. 


Why I did not reveal myself at once, as in honor bound, 


True, I was well pleased with my 


I cannot understand. 


Furthermore, I felt 


_ that I was so far into the scrape that it would be difficult to 


quarters, preferring them to the hotel. 


— 





230 _ MY WIPE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


back out with grace and dignity. I had already told at 
least a half dozen fictions in trying to answer Mr. Roberts’ 
numerous questions regarding the size of my congregation, 
the number of funerals and weddings I had been called to 
attend, and the general condition of my spiritual and finan- 
cial prospects. 
I stumbled along tolerably well, however, until finally Mr. 
and Mrs. Roberts excused themselves and retired to their 


aie 
“A 
Wi, 








A DILEMMA, 


sleeping-room, leaving me alone with the only remaining ~ 


member of the family. 


- Here was a dilemma. She was bashful, and so was LX 


For some moments—it seemed hours—neither of us spoke. 
She was the first to muster courage. Striking an appro- 
priate attitude, she opened her pretty lips and remarked: _ 

“ We are having fine weather now.” 
In a few brief sentences I succeeded in conveying the 












ow - Pr? 
Recess 


a A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY. 231 


intelligence to her that in my humble opinion she had told 
the truth. 

Another painful pause followed, in which vivid visions of 
Augusta were constantly before my eyes. 

This time I was first to speak. 

“Tam afraid,” said I, “that | am keeping you up.” 

es Oh, dear no,” she answered, coming a little closer to me. 

T leaned the other way. 

“ Are you disappointed in me?” she inquired, most 
pathetically. | 

“¢ Not in the least.” 

“Do I look like my photograph ?” 

“ Yes, you are a perfect picture of it.” 

“ Why would you never send me your photograph, so I 





eould see what a fine-looking” 

I interrupted her. For Augusta’s sake. I could not allow 
her to finish the sentence. 

‘Let us drop this subject,” said I, ‘until we become better 
acquainted.” 

“Do you think I am too forward?” she asked, her voice 
apparently half choked with tears.” 

“No, not that exactly, but I—I,—I am confoundedly 
backward, you see.”’ 

“Why, how strangely you talk, for a minister !” 

“ Yes, I am different from most ministers,’ and then, in 
erder to let her feelings down as easily as possible, I added : 

“To tell the truth, Miss Roberts, 1 am known in my own 
eity as an unmitigated idiot, an unsophisticated imbecile, a 


beetleheaded booby, a confirmed doodle, a lackbrain innocent, 


a preposterous simpleton, an egregious fool, an incurable ”— 
“Oh, I know,” she interposed, “ that all good ministers 
are talked against by the wicked world, and that the wiser 





Don MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


they are in things spiritual, the more foolish they appear in - 
the eyes of the unregenerate.” 

“You would not be silly enough to marry such a man, 
would you?” 

“Qh, really,’ she answered, stammering and blushing, 
“ your question is so sudden that I must take time to reflect 
and to consult my papa and mama.” 

I saw that I was getting deeper and deeper into the treach- 
erous quicksand from which I was struggling to extricate 
myself. “Let us have an understanding immediately!” 
said I, determining to tell her the whole truth. 

“What impetuous creatures you men are!” she responded 
gently. “Of course I might answer at once for myself, but 
papa is rather peculiar, and will expect to be consulted. 
Won’t you please wait until to-morrow, so that we can all 
hear you preach first ? ” 

I gave vent to a sickly laugh. 

“ By the way,” she continued, “it is quite late now, and 
in order to do your best to-morrow you will require a good 
night’s sleep.. Shall I summons our man Andrew, and have 
him show you to your room?” 

“Nothing would suit me better,” I replied. 

Andregy came accordingly, and .when I had said good 
night in an absent sort of manner to my fair hostess, I was 
conducted to a suite of rooms which, so the servant said, 
had been newly-furnished for my special accommodation. 
Had I always lived in luxury, these apartments would still 
have elicited my astonishment and admiration, for nothing 
was wanting in their beauty and finish which the most fas- — 
tidious taste could suggest. | 5 

A most costly Bible and prayer-book had been placed near Ae 
the bed, on a table which was cut from a single stone,—that 


x" A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY. _ 233 


& 


- might have been brought from Jerusalem. A richly-embroid- 


dered cushion, placed on the floor near the table, suggested 
comfort and ease while attending to one’s duties, so I 
immediately sat down on it to pull my boots off. 1 found 
that, having walked more than usual that day, my feet 
had swollen considerably, which seriously interfered with 
the leathers coming off. I succeeded, however, in removing 


L x 

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Abbe ab Th 
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Magi 
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Ax 





: LUXURIOUS QUARTERS. 


one of them, but the other withstood my most desperate 
efforts ; I finally had to give up the job, and like “ my son 
John” of olden time, I bounded into bed, neither shod nor 
barefoot, hoping to lose myself in sleep without any unnec- 
“essary delay. In this expectation I was doomed to disap- 
pointment. Something—or rather a good deal—was missing. 
-I needed the charm of crying babies, and I am sure my 
slumber would have been sweet and sound, if Augusta could 


234 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND: 


have been traveling about the room, bringing water, distribut — 


ing medicine, replenishing the fire, looking after the windows, 
rearranging sheets and pillows, and fixing things generally. 
Custom will not tolerate violent wrenching without a pro- 
test. 

Nor was my conscience quite easy. I had that day 
spoken harshly to the best woman in the world. I had 


given her no parting kiss. I had caused her to believe she — 


was the torment of my life; and had left her in an exceed- 
ingly unhappy state. Moreover, I had allowed an innocent 
young lady to bestow affection upon me. I knew she 
would take it all back the next day, but still I could not 


hold myself entirely guiltless. At that very moment I was 


occupying a bed designed for another man. Then I imagined 
everything imaginable. 

“ Suppose,”’. I soliloquized, “ that the real Reverend Mr. 
Berkeley comes here before I can get away!” I grew 
nervous. I got out of bed and gathered together my valua- 
bles. Then I put the entire > collection—two dollars and 
ninety cents in money, a jack-knife, a lead-pencil, and a 
second-hand pistol—under my pillow. 

Still I could not sleep. I grew feverish. 

Having observed before retiring that a bath-room had 
been placed at my disposal, I resolved to plunge all over 
into cold water. In this I succeeded very well, except for 
the unaccountable blunder of putting the wrong foot fore- 
most, thus giving my obstinate boot a thorough a 
which I did not intend to do. 

Again I courted Morpheus, but with as little success as 
Miss Roberts had experienced in courting me. However, 
after a wretched hour or two of vigorous tossing, I lost 
consciousness. 


ie ex 
ee eee 








A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY. 235 


Suddenly my ears were pierced, and the still air rent, by 
the harsh sound of female screeching. It evidently pro- 
ceeded from a room under my own. I could distinguish the 
ery of “Papa! papa! come quick! quick! hurry!” 

I felt sure that the house had been broken into by burglars, 
and that the heiress of the estate was in great peril. 

Although I had never been personally troubled with 
. house-breakers, I felt confident that I knew just how te 





A MIDNIGHT SHOWER. 


proceed, as I had once written an editorial on the subject, 
as follows: 

“The right way is to shoot off a pistol at random. Then 
the burglars will run for dear life. This saves killing them. 
It is a mistake to shoot them dead before they have had a 
fair trial by their peers. We should exercise charity —as 
there may be extenuating circumstances; perhaps they are 
Insane.” 


236 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


I discharged my firearm. The next instant I heard some — 


one open a window, and yell: ‘“ Police! Murder! Police!” 

I now tried to dress myself, but was so excited that I 
could make no headway ; and when some one came to my 
door, I threatened to blow him into eternity if he did not 
vacate the premises forthwith. 


After some minutes I discovered that the intruder was 


none other than Mr. Roberts himself, who was in search of 
the origin of the pistol report. I explained, but he did not 
appear to be well pleased with my account. 

He then hunted up his daughter, and learned that she 
had given the alarm in the first instance because of a great 
flood of water which had descended into her sleeping apart- 
ment, bringing with it the heavy, frescoed ceiling, from the 
fall of which she had sustained considerable injury. 

This was the whole trouble. In taking my bath, I had 
left*the water turned on, and there was no overflow pipe. 
A flood was the result, while my shot had completed the 
scare, Which brought out the cry of “murder” from my 
worthy host.. The case would have been less deplorable 
had not the bullet, which I had sent flying into the dark- 
ness, struck off the nose of Venus de Medici, and split open 
the head of Falconnet’s Peter the Great. 

Next morning Mr. and Mrs. Roberts received me with 
surprising cordiality, considering what the night had brought 
forth. Evidently they were determined that no untoward 


circumstances should be allowed to interfere with the bril- 


liant prospect of securing such a prepossessing son-in-law. 
We sat down to breakfast, but although everything 
seemed to be in readiness for beginning to eat, there 


occurred an embarrassing delay. The host looked at me ~ 


pleadingly, but I utterly failed to take the hint. 











A GASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY. 239 


“We are accustomed to the usual ceremony,” he finally 
said; but I was as much in the dark as ever, and remained 
mum, wondering why we could not initiate proceedings on 
the chop*before the gravy had all turned to tallow. 

“Oh, I beg pardon!” exclaimed the head of the family, 
just as the situation had become unbearable; “I should 
have explained to our reverend friend, that our daughter 
will not join us in the morning meal, on account of her 
face being considerably disfigured by the falling plaster. 
Please, sir, give thanks.” 

I felt embarrassed. True, I was not wholly ungrateful 
for the calamity that had befallen Miss Roberts, but I did 
not care to express my feelings in the presence of her parents. 

Suddenly the full realization of what was expected of me 
flashed across my mind with overwhelming force. But 
what could I do? I despise hypocrisy. As for profanely 
tampering with sacred things, the very idea is abhorrent to 
me. lam exceedingly fond of folly. It is my meat, drink, 
and native air. Without it, life would be oppressively 
stupid. Yet for the sake of my respect for the sanctities, I 
can sacrifice some of my choicest foolishness. For me to 
have said grace at that breakfast-table would have been to 
publish an act of insincerity in the face of heaven. Besides, 
I did not know how to start; and, if once started, I never 
could have stopped. So I flatly refused to ask the blessing. 

Mr. Roberts looked horrified. He said grace himself, but 
with no good feeling. Nor could it have received any 
answer, for not one of us recovered our spirits. In quiet 
we drank our coffee, which had become cool. The meal 
being finished, Mr. Roberts received a telegram. 

“What is this?” he exclaimed. “Here is a dispatch 


from Mr. Berkeley, saying that he missed the train, but will 
x AD 





Q40 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


come on the boat. 
at me savagely. 


“Tam Mr. Berkeley.” 
“¢ What Berkeley ?” 


Who are you?” he vociferated, looking 


v 


“ August, the happy possessor of a wife and six children.” 


‘You are an impostor, and I shall have you arrested !”’ 


WT, 


Et} 
Wy) o 


NSS 





‘“WHO ARE you ?” 


Sa 
‘G 
Y 


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SS 


va 


Sa 


POs 


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a 


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a) NING 
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WAN uth \ 
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vy 


How different his voice, how changed his demeanor had 


suddenly become. His anger was the lightning’s flash, which, 


in an instant, revealed the whole landscape of his real 


character. 


I talked to him mildly, but his wrath grew hotter and 


hotter. Mrs. Roberts dropped her superficiality, and joined 


her husband in giving me a tirade of abuse such as I hope 


never to receive again. 


Miss Roberts, hearing the tumult, now put in her appear- 


ance, which was a very sorry one, and from that time on, I 


7 


3 Aisle 
- i yee ae 


Pe oa) eee) a. 
te es 


> 


Pa tas Se oad 


A CASE OF MISTAXEN IDENTITY. 241 


could net make myself heard at all, nor was poor, raving 


“Mr, Roberts much better off. 

The young lady declared that on the previous evening I 
had used insulting language to her, having asked her to 
become my wife; and gave it as her opinion that I had 
flooded the house purposely, in revenge for her persistent 
refusal. 

Thereupon her devoted father clenched his fists and came 
rather nearer tc me than was agreeable. I mentally de 





HER APPEARANCE. 


elared that if once I got home alive, I would never leave 
Augusta again. 

I cast about for my hat, and announced that I was ready 
to leave. The gentleman of the house informed me that I 
should never leave him until I had paid every item of 
damage I had caused, including frescoed ceiling, costly 
furniture, and three hundred and fifty dollars worth of 
statuary. 

I thought then that I had never heard the doctrine of 
eternity put in a stronger way. 





’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


MY WIFE 


242 


Mrs. Roberts said she cared nothing for house or goods, 


but that I should be made to pay all I was worth on account. 


They re-. 


While they dr 


aside to describe to him the trouble which had grown out — 


The confusion of tongues had not yet begun to abate, - 
STEPPING OUT. 


- 


I was glad her estimate of this matter was so insignificant. 
My tormentors drew in their quills at once. 





>s 


of my shameful treatment of her precious daughter. ? 
when the Rev. John Berkeley was announced. 


im | 


ew _h 


eeived him with fawning suavity. 


of a mistaken identity, I watched my chance, found my hat, 


ro 
o 
S 
o 
~~ 
M 
a 
=) 
— 
° 
M 
va 
M 
o 
ae 
oo 
NM 
3 
2 
fH 
° 
Chay 
a) 
fH 
os 
rab) 
piss 
=) 
a 
Le} 
3 
st 
—s 


and silently stole away. 


4 


Augusta never looked better to me, for I had experienced : 


Next morning 
home without meeting a single subscriber to the Harmer’s 


Guide. 





“ 






A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY. | 243 


okt 
ipttos 
7 

re 






a very strong contrast. I gave her a full and true account 
of my adventures. ‘To which she replied : 

Cais Pledge me this: that you will never leaye home again 

e ____-without'a guardian.” 





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CECA Pa he eo: 


MY MOTHER-IN-LAW. 


Shae: chapter must contain an account of the most 

momentous events of my life. The thrilling expe- 
riences I have had with my mother-in-law can never be 
effaced from my memory. | 

Soon after the occurrences recorded in the last chapter, 
my wife’s mother wrote me a letter saying, that as she grew 
old she missed Augusta more and more every day: she 
craved her companionship, and it seemed as if she could not 
be separated from her daughter any longer. Besides, she 
felt that in her declining years she needed that daughter’s 
care, and asked if it would be agreeable for her to come to 
New York, and make her home with us. 

I was so anxious to manifest a generous cordiality in my 
response, that I would not employ the postal service, but 
telegraphed, “‘ Come, by all means.” 

She came. 

If you will believe it, she had not been in our house much 
over an hour before she called me into a room by ourselves 
and said : | 

“ August, I feel it my duty to say a few words to you on a 
very delicate subject. You will not be greatly offended 
with me, will you?” ~~ ‘ 


(244) 








\ | . MY MOTHER-IN-LAW. 245 


\ 


a. Le Certainly not,” I replied; “but, on the contrary, shall 
have all the greater respect for you if you speak your mind 
“freely.” 

 «T have long had a suspicion,” she began, “ and it.is now 
confirmed by observation, that you—” > 


1 \ . 
hi NY 


AS 


y 


Hh } 








CHAPTER XXIII, 
JEWELL’S etic rte regen 


Ean the reader may have noticed that the last 


chapter terminated somewhat abr uptly. 

The interruption was caused by the accidental discovery, 
on the part of my wife, of the particular subject upon which 
I had undertaken to write. We have just had a quiet little 
talk, of two days’ and one night’s duration, concerning the 
propriety of my going on with it. The result is that I have 
changed my mind, and think it best, under the circum- 


stances, to drop “ My Mother-in-law,” forthwith. 


I do not think Mrs. Berkeley is a sound logician, although . 


I am free to admit that she has times of being persuasive. 
I may as well say that her respected mother is a dear, good 
old lady, without spot or blemish! How quiet the house 
has now become ! 

Augusta has her sleeves rolled up, and is working with 
tremendous energy. She says she is three days behind in 
her household duties. 

I am a little behind myself, in more respects than one. 
What a singular metamorphosis I have undergone. Away 
down in the lower depths of my mind, I find myself pos- 
sessed of opinions which have the appearance of haying 
been recently driven in. They are still hot. 


For example, I now hold that the man who will spaie 
(246) 








JEWELL’S MOTHER-IN-LAW. Q4T 


lightly of his mother-in-law is a wretch. He is a monster 
of ingratitude. He is perfectly horrid. He has no respect 
for his wife’s most tender feelings. He is simply aping 
those would-be wits whose entire stock in trade is rudeness 
3d and vulgarity. Any man who pretends to be a man should 
set a better example. It is an incivility which no wife 
having a proper respect for herself 
would for a moment tolerate. And 





Lge pea te ok AM so forth. 

S [2 AY Still, I am resolved that my 
book shall 
not suffer on 











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Sse 
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Fortunately I have 
HN 
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Moy! Ih other materials at 
NYE 


| 


: Wi hand. 
: About the time that 
em BEHIND TIME. my wife’s respected 


Ai mother — bless her heart! may her tribe increase !— came 
to live with us, my friend Jewell sent me a note asking me 
to call on him. JI complied with his request. 

“Tam going abroad,” said he, “to be gone several years.” 
«Sorry to hear it,’ I replied, “for you have been more 
than a brother to me.” 





“¥ 


YA48 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“Thank you. I shall now have the courage to ask a 
favor of you.” 

“Anything! Anything!” I responded, enthusiastically. 
“T owe my life to you, and I remember telling you, at the 
time you heroically saved it, that I should always be 
ready to render you any assistance in my power.” 

“ Yes, I believe you did; but let that pass. What I want 
to say is that I have a mother-in-law.” 

“ You- surprise me!” I 
exclaimed. 

“She is a little queer,” 
he continued. 

“Zounds! How very 
odd! So is—” 

I checked myself so sud- 
denly that it took me some 
time to rearrange my im- 
ported tecth. 

“My mother-in-law has 
plenty of property,’ re- 





sumed Jewell; “but she 


A STARTLING REVELATION. 


made me promise that I 
would ask some worthy gentleman to look after her 
occasionally during my absence in foreign lands.” 

“Ts that all?” I asked, in surprise. 

“That is all,” said he; “I have now fulfilled my promise 
by making the request of you.” 

“JT will do it to her heart’s content,” I replied impulsively. 

Affectionately and sorrowfully, Jewell and I separated. 

Two days afterward, it cccurred to me that he had not 
given me either his own address or that of his mother-in-law. 
I began to think he had been playing a joke on me. 





















































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JEWELL’S MOTHER-IN-LAW. 


2 aa Tee a 
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JEWELL’S MOTHER-IN-LAW. 251 


Alas! it was no joke. The woman could speak for her- 
self, as the following letter will show : 
Skeetovil newjersey 
toozdy fournoon 


yere uv the lord 
Mister orgus burkly 
Deer sur 
my darters huzbund tol me you wuz a good feller he tol me he dugg 
you outer 10 footer sand wen you wuz ded azer dore nale he sed in 
kornseederasion uv the deed he did you you prommissed too look arter 
me wile he sarnters threw urup I warnt you too cum twomorry I liv on 
the besst farm in skeetovil 2 mild sowth uv the ortodox meetin hows 
the staj bringz you too my dore I fele wee shal be the besst uv frens. 
yures respecktivly 


Matilda Bricksee late wif uv jonerthon bricksee square 


There was something in the general tone and appearance 
of this letter that did not impress me quite favorably. 

However, next day I boarded the first train for Skeeto- 
ville, and went forth for the purpose of acquainting myself 
more thoroughly with my new acquisition. 

I found Mrs. Bricksee in a corn-field, hoeing up weeds. 
She gave me a warm reception, and invited me to lend a 
hand and hoe a row, which I did. 

We worked along together very nicely, interspersing our 
labor with conversation. __ 

“This ere is the biggest field in these parts,” she re- 
marked. 

“ How large is it?” I inquired. 

“‘ Nearly five acres.” 

This lead to a comparison of one great thing with 
another, and in order to interest her I told her that Saint 
Peter’s Church at Rome was so large that her entire corn- 
field would not furnish space enough for it to stand on. 


riba MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A° HUSBAND. 


‘“‘ Looker here!” she exclaimed, eyeing me closely. ‘You 
» may as well understand fust as last, that that wuz the only 
fault Jewell had.” 

“And what fault is that?” I inquired. 

“He wuz a tremenjus liar. It led to onpleasantness 
*twixt me an’ him; an’ I would n’t. be s’ prised if that’s th’ 
reason he’s taken his wife an’ gone kitin’ off to Kurup.” 

“ But I have not told you anything but the truth,” I pro- 

fh tested. 
Z . “Thar *tis agin. 
g jen That wuz Jewell’s 
Gili: way to a dot. He 







wud n’t only lie, but 


HENS 
Mee) he'd swar to it.” 
Wh I dropped the ba- 
silica at Rome, and 
came nearer home. 

“They have just 
*. had a terrible tor- 


nado out in Iowa,” 


TENDER RECOLLECTIONS. mark. 


“Never hern tell of Iowa. What part of New Jersey 
is’t in?” | $§ 
I dropped the tornado. ¢ 
It occurred to me I had better let her introduce topics of 
conversation to suit herself. | | 
She spent an hour and a half telling me about a man’s 
owing her four cents; and she was not through with the 


subject yet when I accidentally cut off a pumpkin-vine with 


my hoe. It was really pitiful to see how bad the woman 


felt, as she tenderly lifted the severed parts. 





I ventured to re-~ 





JEWELL’S MOTHER-IN-LAW. 


| 


What use do you make of pumpkins?” I inquired. 
“Bile ’em inter surrup for my barley coffee. My 


‘departed husband wuz passhinitly fond of it. ’T wuz th’ 
. thing he iver drunk.” 


258 


late 


las’ 


“Let us be reconciled. He is better off where he is,” I 


said, pathetically, observing two or three tears chasing each 


other down her skinny face. 


“You’re a great comfort to me,” she answered. “Tm 


glad ter see you’re posted on Scripter. Now 










thar’s one varse in th’. Old ‘Testermunt 
that’s alwuz puzzled my brain. Ken you 
make it clear to me?” 
“Most likely I can,” I 
responded, though realiz- 
ing that in Sunday-school 


literature I 
was sadly de- ae) ‘< 
ficient. 

‘Wal, what av 
T-wanter know 
is this: The sv2Xy 
Bible says, 


‘Wherefore 
_ the Lord bless- 5. BSS 
ed the sabbath | Peat 
‘WATCH OUT THAR!” 
day an’ holler- / 


ms 


ed it.’ What did he holler ‘ct? for?” 


This was a poser. I confess I had never thought of it 
before. Still, I would not acknowledge my ignorance, but 


would make an effort to enlighten the woman. 


“You must not understand,” said I, “that the Lord 
holloed that particular word ‘it, for the Record says that 





254 MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


He blessed the sabbath day and holloed it; that is, holloed 
the dlessing so that all the world would hear it.” 

“Wal now, that’s th’ most common sense explination I 
iver hern. That’s wot ’tis to be larned. You'd ought ter 
ben a preacher. Watch out thar, you blamed idjut; them’s 
water millon vines you’re hoeing up!” 

_ I had innocently taken them for weeds, and demolished 
about half of the entire lot. | 

Mrs. Bricksee became more and “more excited, as the full 
extent of the mischief was more and more revealed. Her 
railing was not pleasant. Her voice was high-pitched and 
harsh. The combined noise of katydids, tree-toads, hens, 
and parrots would have furnished a very desirable contrast. 

When she sneezed, she had a stentorian way of scream- 
ing, ‘“ Hasu-ee,” which elicited much merriment from dis- 
tant neighbors. 

“ Did you ever go to wot’s called a lectur?” she inquired, 
as I was about taking my leave. 

“ Yes, Lhave attended a great many lectures.” 

“T want you ter take me ter one. Dve a great curosity 
to know wot th’ thing’s like. I’ve niver ben any whar 
’cept ter th’ meetin’ house.” x 

I promised I would take her at my earliest convenience. 

When I went home I could not muster up courage enough 
to tell Augusta where I had been, or what I had promised. 
Neither did I mention the subject to my wife’s respected 
mother. Bless her heart! May her tribe increase ! May 
future generations rise up and call her—a darling! 

It is good to keep secrets when occasion requires. The 
principal use of secret societies is to discipline men in the 
art of holding fast that which should not be let go. Half 
the troubles of society grow out of reporting things which 





_ JEWELL’S MOTHER-IN-LAW. 255 


should forever be left unreported, even though they be true. 

The early Christians found it good to have secret ceremo- 
nies. Chamfort is right: “An indiscreet man is an unsealed 
letter; every one can read it.” But it requires great firm- 
ness of character to be able to retain a real interesting bit 
of gossip. 

La Fontaine says: “It is difficult for a woman to keep 2 
secret, dnd | know more than one man who is a woman.” 
The ancients dedicated temples to Taciturnity. Therein 
they were wise. 





CHAPTER XXIV. 
DISTURBING A MEETING. 


‘GENTLEMAN known as the Rev. Hallmid was to give 
~ a lecture in Steinway Hall, and I thought I might as 
well take’ Mrs.. Bricksee to hear him, and thus fulfill my 
promise to that eccentric woman. _ | 

The subject which he had announced was, “The Bright 
Side ;” and I had every reason to believe he would say ; 
some bright things. 

I found Mrs. Bricksee laboring with a cold, and I gener- 
ously presented her with half a box of my Bethsaida snuff. : 
I had been carrying it in my pocket on purpose, anticipating — 
that I might meet some particular friend whom I should 
desire to ‘‘ treat.” 

In reply to numerous questions, I was forced to explain 
to her that considerable. sneezing might be reasonably 
expected as one of the immediate results of applying the 
remedy to the nasal organ. | 

She didn’t quite know what I meant, but nevertheless 
she resolved to put the Bethsaida in her snuff-box and leave 
it there until such time as she could be alone. She seemed 
to realize that her sneezing was a one-horse power, if not 
more. 

The lecture did not turn out to be quite as interesting as 
I had anticipated. There was nothing wrong about it. I 

| (58) 3 





a 


DISTURBING A MEETING. 257 


was especially disappointed in not finding that the speaker 
was a first-class acrobat. 

In fact, Mrs. Bricksee was so little interested and enlight- 
ened by what was said that, before the entertainment was 
half through, she was soundly asleep. I had no objection 
to this until she began to snore. Then, when I discovered 
that two or three hundred pairs of eyes were concentrating 
their gaze on us, I began to feel uncomfortable, and 
resolved to wake her up. So using all the force born of 
impulsiveness and vexation, | gave her a nudge with my 
sharp-pointed elbow, and succeeded in getting more response 
than I anticipated. 

“Oh! oh! What on arth’s th’ matter? Who done 


_that? Whar be I?” she exclaimed, in a voice which would 


not permit any one else in the house to remain asleep. 

I quieted her as quickly as I could, and then explained to 
her that she had been unconsciously breathing so hard that 
I was compelled to gently arouse her from peaceful slumber. 

She pledged me her word she would not fall asleep again 
until the dull performance was over, notwithstanding it was 
already considerably past her bed-time. | 

I will give her credit for trying hard to keep her promise ; 
but the oppressive heat of the room and the heavy cold in 
her head were unfavorable conditions. 

She must have been just across the border of dream-land 
when the Rev. Hallmid, speaking on the importance of 
earnestness”? in the work of salvation, gave dramatic 
expression to the following sentences: 

“ What would you think, if a neighbor should come to 


your house some fine day, open the gate very deliberately, 


close it after him, knock at the door, walk slowly into your 


parlor, take a seat with all due tormality, clear his throat, 
16 | 





MY ‘WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. a 


i 


258 


offer some dull remarks about the weather, and finally say 
to you, in a drawling manner, ‘ Sir, | beg that you will par. 


don me for appearing be- 
fore you at this time, but 


= 
Wh 


sir, your house is on fire.’ 
You would not believe him. 
Neither do you believe 
those who adopt this same 





stupid style in preaching 





AIL OE I I I oa 2 
SS = See 
2 = >= << SS 


\ | dicth not. | 

Ne ‘But suppose you were 
‘ to see a man rushing to 
Ne ward your dwelling at a 
S break-neck pace, and were 
| ‘ to hear him utter the soul- 
piercing cry, “Fire! Fire! | 

FIRE!” Ae 

ie. “Oh, dear! Whar is it? : 
ie ANN SP Wc Take me out!” shrieked 
Hi yy Z AMM SS TE Mrs. Bricksee, bounding 


terror. : 

I clutched her with both 
my hands, and shoved her 
back into her place again. 









pan Se 


So Re Plessis ey 


pS At first the audience was 
AR IS . 


Wi PT to 
confused; but the moment 


it realized that the lecturer’s perfect acting had completely — 
deceived the old lady into believing there was an actual fire, — 


the fact of the matter is, 


about the fire which is: 
eternal, where the worm 


from her seat, pale with 








2 ae he 1 Ae a Saat re ia! 
tae IT See aie iat 

2 he eas | 

‘ st * P 


DISTURBING A MEETING. 259 


it broke forth into most tumultuous laughter, to which was 
added the clapping of hands and stamping of feet. 
Mrs. Bricksee, whose experience at meetings had been 


limited to the decorous Sunday gatherings in Skeetoville 
church, was entirely unprepared for this sudden outburst of 


noisy demonstration, and, getting the idea into her head 
that the house was falling, again started to her feet in great 
trepidation. — 

I sueceéded in once more allaying her fears. 

Mr. Hallmid resumed his discourse, and everybody in the 
audience had become quiet, when my companion, in order to 
tone up her nerves, resorted to the snuff-box. 

I had forgotten that it was filled with that explosive Beth- 
saida, or I should have interfered to prevent a very unpleas- 
ant episode. Ina moment I saw that she was engaged in 
trying to suppress an internal earthquake. The contortions 
of her body were frightful to witness. Large drops of per- 


spiration rolled down her face. Once, twice, three times 


she conquered. Then the strength of her iron will was 
exhausted, and she surrendered unconditionally to the inevi- | 
table. 

Just as the lecturer was saying, “ The spiritual nature of 


man, as well as his physical, must have food,’ she burst 


forth with all the power of a fog-horn, “ Hash-ee!” 

Such a roar as the audience indulged in appalled me. 
Everybody felt merry except Mrs. Bricksee and myself. 

But the worst was not over. The ammunition with which 
the woman had loaded her double-barreled gun would not be 
satisfied with a single sneeze. It had not yet finished its 
work. 

“J repeat,” said the speaker, “ the spiritual nature of man 
is dependent on food.” 





260 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF & HUSBAND. 


“ Hasu-ne!” came the response, as though a cannon were 
trying to talk. ee 

“Hasu-ce! Hasn-ee! Hasu-en!” followed in quick 
succession. . | Tou 

Mr. Hallmid va?~ly endeavored to restore order amid the 
assembled multitude. Nobody could hear a word he was 
saying, but by the manner in which his long arms and lege 


e 


Ss Ss 
<a L 
SS 
at. oe 


RSs 
SS 
= 


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AX 


bo 


Uy 


Ne 


: 
(j aM i 


Wal 


\ 
Vi 


i 
, 


DA 





THE BRICKSEE MARCH. 
were swaying to and fro in the air, one might reasonably 
conclude that he was somewhat excited. tae 
I knew from experience that the Bethsaida dynamite was 
still good for a dozen volleys. I gathered up what little 


courage I had left, took the old fady by. the arm, and 


marched down the center aisle, what seemed to me an inter- 


minable distance, from one end of the hall to the other, 


while a perfect bedlam of cheering accompanied my every 
step. | 





ts, 





DISTURBING A MUETING. 261 


Iam opposed to noisy assemblies. Feet and hands are 
poor talkers. They should have learned to keep quiet when 
men first found their tongues, and knew what they were for. 
But even the organs of speech must be modest in the midst 


of a crowd. . 
Solomon’s temple was built without the sound of hammer. 


So was the universe. Thus forever works the Infinite. As 


men come to be more like the eternal model, they will be 
less disposed to pound tbe air with their hands and kick up 
the dust with their feet, simply because something is going 
on which was not set down in the programme. 

When you attend the theater, if you like the players, 
smile, look pleased, and remain in your place till the end of 
the play. That will be a civilized way of expressing your 
approval. If you do not like it, say nothing, but take your 
hat, and quietly steal away. 


« oo 4 
Wee 


CHAPTER Xx V: 
A NEW VARIETY OF FOWL. 


66 OWE you two dollars and a half for my subscription 
it to the Farmer's Gurde, but can’t raise the money to 
pay it,” said a farmer, striding into my office. 

“In that case, | suppose I shall have to contrive some — 
way to survive without it,” I epee continuing to write the 
editorial I had begun. 

‘You will have to contrive nothing,’ he replied. “TI 
have brought you some very valuable egos. If it were not 
that I am hard pressed, I would not sell them for five dol- 
lars a dozen. As it is, you can have the dozen for the 
amount I owe you.” 

“That is very cheap,” said I, “especially if they were 
laid by the celebrated goose that had a gold mine in her.” 

“Look here!” exclaimed he. “I want you to stop that 
pen a few minutes, and listen to me. I’ve got a farm worth 
four thousand dollars, and it is clear of all incumbrances. 
I will back my word with my farm. These eggs are from a 
remarkable breed. You will not find them in over two hen- 
neries in the entire United States. The eggs are very 
small, as you observe, but the mother of them weighs more 
than thirty pounds.” | : 

I dropped my pen. ‘ How much did you say the mother 
of those eges weighs ?” 


“ Over thirty pounds.” 
(262) 










A NEW VARIETY Ome pOWL 9 sc" 268 
aS ~ Tarose from my chair and walked for a moment. 
; ade EP to ES she. fit for the table ?” 
i “Yes, sir. The flesh of her body is of excellent flavor.” 
 “#fow much does it cost to keep this extraordinary 
breed ?” : 
ee, Absolutely nothing. They get their own living, never 
scratch up your garden, and are entirely noiseless.” 





SUSPENDED PAYMENT. 


: oe ee Do I understand you to say that, in case there are any 
misstatements in your marvelous account, you stand ready 
: — to correct them by the surrender of your real estate?” 
Bee # ¥ es, sir.” 

-“ And are these eggs fresh ?” 
~ Yes, sir; laid yesterday.” 








264. MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. LS: 


“ But I have no setting hen. How can I hatch them?” 


“They hatch very easy. You have only to wrap them up 
and put them under a moderately warm stove, or take them 
to bed with you.” 


“And I can have the whole dozen for two douars and a 
half ?” 
“Yes, sir.”’ 


—— 
——S= 


LE 

Se | hgh UMMM IA ZZ 
YY 

LLikadh ples Lefty, 

EY bi, 

| G 1} 


“Ad 


— 











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Ss 








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pags esis, 

ith 7, My 
%, Uy 


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es 


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\ Wes HY RY) 
s WH) iB, ih j e, 
23g ( 











SETTLING HIS ACCOUNT. 


“T’ll take them. If you have any more at the same price, 
bring them in.” ‘ % 

T did not feel equal to the task of hatching them myself, 
nor did I wish to discommode my wife’s respected mother 
with the effort, so I took them to my adopted mother-in-law 

" in Skeetoville. ; : 

She was much pleased with them, and declared with 
enthusiasm that she had never seen rounder eggs in her life. 
She had already had some experience in hatching chickens. 








A NEW VARIETY OF FOWL. 265 


On several occasions, the hens on which she had depended 
to incubate goose eggs had become discouraged before the 
goslings appeared, and Mrs. Bricksee had kindly taken up 
the work where the hens left off, and carried it forward to a 
successful issue. 

When I informed her that the eggs which I had brought 
would require much less than the ordinary amount of caloric 
to bring out the chicks, she replied: 

“Go ter th’ dogs with yer caloric; I don’t never use it; I 
foller nater. D’ye think ev’ry old hen wot sets has ter go 
er trottin’ off ter th’ ’pothercary shop to git some caloric? 
You’re greener’n I tuk yer fur,” 

Several days after this a boy rushed into my office, saying 
that he had been sent to bring me to Mrs. Bricksee’s with- 
out a second’s delay; that she was not expected to hold out 
long, and must see me before she died. 

Figuratively speaking, I dropped everything and flew. 

I found Jewell’s mother-in-law prostrate on the lounge, 
evidently suffering from some great nervous shock. 

In response to anxious inquiries, all I could elicit from 
her was, “ Bed-bugs! bed-bugs!”’ 

Nearly every woman is unaccountably, almost supersti- 
tiously afraid of something. One is ready to faint in pres- 
ence of a mouse; another will have hysterics over a snake; 
another will be frightened out of her wits if she meets a 
cow; and another is ready to die if she finds a man under 
her bed, although she may have been hunting for him in 
that very place for several years. 

Nothing could find the weak spot in the courage of my 
adopted mother-in-law except bed-bugs. These were her 
pluck’s poison. She would present a boid front to anything 
else, even to a burglar in her kitchen at dead of night; but 


266 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


whenever she caught sight of a bed-bug, she was as mysteri- 


~ 


ously shorn of her strength as was Sampson when shorn of 


his hair. Knowing this fact, I had, on one or two occasions, 
amused myself by relating to her some interesting bed-bug 
tales, made to order. I had solemnly told her that what are 


properly called Munchausen bed-bugs are as large as horse-— 


chestnuts, and that I 






——- SSeS nu i 
Nit 
Ni 


aN 


SS 







mon _bed-bugs in New 





York boarding- 
houses so large that 







J, 
one 





Ati 4 7 





A 


GM — pgp lagna 


eons 


mht Z 
TTT Bend 
Ast 2 





AN ATTACK OF THE CIMEX LECTULARIUS. 


many of them would weigh an ounce. How many I did not 
explain. | ce 

T thought now that she might be out of her head, as she 
kept repeating, “ Bed-bugs! bed-bugs!” and assured me in 
feeble tones that her bed was running over with them, and 
that each one was bigger than a hickory-nut, and that before 
she knew of their presence, they had fastened themselves to 


had myself seencom- 
















_ A NEW VARIETY OF FOWL. 267 


as her with such force that it took all her strength to remove 
them. | fae SG 
oh By her persuasion, | was finally induced to go and exam- 
Ee __ ine the bed for myself. 
ig - I turned down the sheet, and there, sure enough, was a 
; sight that startled even me. I shall never forget it. 
aq; 

BYE 
Bs ALLEL, 
ie 
: t i \ \ \\ \ 
‘S WAN 
: xy sare FANCY STOCK. 
es Crawling here and there were a dozen of the cutest little 
‘< __ snapping turtles I had ever set eyes on. And there, too, - 
were the shells of the eggs out of which they had been 
hatched. I saw through it all, and no longer doubted that the 
mother of those eggs could turn the scale at thirty pounds. 
Bec gee ton! quietly disposed of the baby turtles, leaving my adopted 
mother-in-law none the wiser. 


TLS, “ ey 








268 MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


With innocent assurance she declared to all persons who 
came to see her, that she had taken “a dozen hen’s eggs to 
bed with her, and them monstrus bed-bugs sucked ’em clean 
dry in er single night.” 

_ A week later I called again, and found her up and doing, 
with a voice as strong as ever. 


Some friend had just sent a bottle of medicine from a 


drug store, with the request that she would take it in accord- 


ance with the directions on 


the label. While she went 
up stairs to hunt for her 
spectacles, I took the liberty 
of examining the Latin 
name of the-article, and 
discovered that, in reality, 
| ’ she had simply gotten a 
Tah Ne at ( \ bottle of brandy, of which 


At \ At RING 
‘2 4a 
Ne 


whenever not feeling well.” 

I am not a physician, but 
I knew as well as reason 
could teach me that the 
prescribed dose was much 





too small. No one could 
IN THE INTEREST OF SCIENCE. : ui 
| make me _ believe that a 
spoonful of vinz gallict could in any way affect the crude 


composition of that woman’s leathery brain. 


Therefore, in the interest of correct medical practice, 1 — 


carefully erased the word “spoon,” and wrote “ cup.” 


Two hours later, I had completely forgotten this little cir- _ 


cumstance, as, indeed, I often forget my works of benevo- 
lence, it is such a common thing for me to engage in them. 


she was to “take a spoonful - 


ae 1, Orthos a 


r 
4 


en te 


a ale ark tn tee g BoC 


ah % 
i bh es 





Sa 
a’ i" sar} 


= 


Fe 





sce ‘A NEW VARIETY OF FOWL. 269 


Having missed the stage, Mrs. Bricksee insisted on driv- 
ing me to the railroad station in her own wagon. 
No sooner were we seated in the vehicle, behind two 
heavy farm horses, than I discovered, to my oreat dismay, 
that something was seriously wrong with my driver. In a 
word, Jewell’s mother-in-law was drunk. The “cup” full 
of brandy had proved too much for her. With one hand 
she wielded the whip and belabored the horses, while with 
the other she jerked them first into a ditch on one side, then 
against a stump on the other. 


\ a | | ) | 
\\ M|/ 


SOMETHING WRONG. 





Our lives were in peril. Vainly I begged of her to let me 
drive, to which she replied that, as the horses were high- 
strung, only an experienced hand could govern them. I 
tried by force to possess myself of the reins, but I might as 
well have wrestled with a hydra-headed monster. 

Finally, one horse became balky, and resolved not to go 
another step, while the other beast got it into his head to do 





270 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


nothing else but go. Under these antagonistic conditions 
something must inevitably happen. It was simply this: 


The second beast threw himself out of the traces, jumped 


over the pole, kicked the legs from under the other beast, 
which knocked him over, and then fell on the top of him, 
while I found myself generally mixed up with the horses 


and the broken wagon. 





“€ LOOKS KINDER. LIKE IT!” 


Some of my New York acquaintances happened to be 
riding in that section of country just at that hour, and dis- 


covered the plight I was in. But Mrs. Bricksee refused 


assistance. See 
© “intlemen,” said she, “my hosses can beat th’ world on 
travel. It’s alivus this way w’en they stop. That ere man 


stradlin’ round thar is a ’ticular friend er mine. He’s Mr. 


Berkeley, editor of Yarmer’s Guide. He’s waitin’ on me, 








A NEW VARIETY OF FOWL. 271 


Looks kinder like it, don’t he? Hafter wait, I reck’n, till 
he gits ter years of discreetion.”__ 

“This is the last!” said I to myself, as I crawled out 
from under the débris with bleeding flesh and aching bones, 
and started across the country on foot as fast as I could 
run, without even turning to speak a civil greeting to my 
city acquaintances. ‘‘ Henceforth I will never speak a word 
to Jewell’s mother-in-law. She is the bane of my existence, 
more terrible to my soul than are bed-bugs to hers.” 

That promise I have sacredly kept. 

Perhaps I had not been altogether sincere and truthful 
with Mrs. Bricksee. On one or two occasions I had told 
her things that were hardly so, and they got me into trou- 
ble. ‘To tell a lie is to plant.a seed that will be prolific of 
its own kind. Soon or later it calls for defense. Then the 
defense must be defended. It is like the Irishman’s cellar, 
which was to be big enough to hold all his goods, and all 
the dirt thrown out in the digging. 





CHAPTER XxXV4: 


THE BUREAU OF VITAL STATISTICS. 


x 


WAS requested by a committee from the Bureau of 
Vital Statistics, who paid me a visit one day, to give 
my views on the publication and influence of agricultural 
newspapers generally, and of the phenomenal success of my 
own paper, the Farmer's Guide, in particular. 
"We are none of us practical farmers,” said they, who 
had. come to interview me, “and in that respect you have 
an advantage over us, for we understand that you were born 
and reared among the honest yoemanry of the country.” 

“ Yes, sir, but a man is not necessarily a pumpkin because 
he happens to grow between two hills of corn.” 

“ But you must have had a thorough knowledge of acri- 
culture, or you one not be so successful in Pee the 
farmers as you are.’ | 

“Gentlemen, that does not follow. A knowledge of 
human nature will result in success, even where there is ~ 
gross ignorance pertaining to everything else. Lawyers, 
doctors, and ministers succeed or fail in their profession, 
not in accordance with what they know, or do not know, 
about the profession, but in accordance with what they 
know, or do not know, about dealing with men. The suc- 
cessful merchant must needs be even better acquainted with 
the peculiarities of mankind than with his own goods. 


(Tle 





THE BUREAU OF VITAL STATISTICS. 273 


“Tn publishing a newspaper, the first requirement is to 
obtain a good fit. You must cut your cloth to correspond 
with the particular hole into which you are going to set it. 
If you get the patch in the wrong place, you are sure to 
make a botch job of the matter.” 

“ Your illustration may be good,” said one of the staff, 
“but in’ what precise manner do you make it apply in ref- 
ence to The Farmer’s Guide?” 

“Well, my first idea in starting that publication was that 
a newspaper, not on farming, but on farmers, was what was 
needed. I purposed to tell them plainly not only how to 
treat their cattle, horses, and swine, but how to treat their 
brains and their hearts, their wives and their children, their 
neighbors and their Creator. My plan was to crack jokes 
enough over their heads to keep them awake while I poured 
a stream of red-hot truth into their souls. You must get a 
man open before you can fill him; and it is the opening 
process that most instructors neglect. 

“Take for instance the children of farmers, particularly 
farmers’ boys,—verily, | know whereof I speak when I say 
that some farmers at least need to be taught how to treat 
their boys. I was once the boy who suffered the ills to 
which country air is heir. 

“] could not have been more than twelve years old when, 
one day, my father and I were shoveling sand into a cart. 
It took us thirty-three minutes to fill it. The elder Berkeley, 
| thinking that I did not do my share, censured me severely, 
and then proposed to fill the cart next time alone, timing 
himself by his watch, in order to ascertain just how much 
assistance I had rendered. . 

“YT did not object to this, for I was perfectly willing to 
sit on the fence and see the old gentleman puif and sweat. 


O14 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


Having taken the easiest place at the sand bank, he 
worked as fast as he could, and accomplished the task in 
just thirty-four minutes. 

_“¢There, he exclaimed, ‘you see now what you are good 
for! Together we shovel in thirty-three minutes what I 
can shovel alone in thirty-four minutes. Why, you hardly 
do enough during the sixteen hours of a day’s work to pay 


for your salt!’ 





SS , 
HOW PA DID IT. 


> < 


“<¢Tet me fill the next cart by myself, said I. - 

“My paternal creator consented, and while he went te 
the house to get his regular drink of sweetened water, with 
something or other in it, I shoveled. | 

“Tn just thirty minutes my parent returned and found the — 


cart as full of sand as it could hold, while I was lying ne 


down in the shade of an apple tree, apparently asleep. 
“ Well, that man cut a switch of birch and woke me up 
pretty suddenly, and made me dance a jig all over the lot. , 





a ee 
NO ay Se pNP aS 





rie? oh ; 
nay * 
i see Ae 


“S 


THE BUREAU OF VITAL STATISTICS. 275 


«“¢This,’ said he, ‘is to punish you for working so slow in 
the past, when, as you have just shown, you were able to do 
a good deal better ; now stop your crying and tell me 
you deserve it, or I will give you some more of the same 
kind. What do you say! Do you deserve it?’ 

“¢Yes, sir, said I. The answer was a falsehood, and I 





knew it; but when the recording angel set it down, he put 
it in pa’s book instead of mine. 

“ Another time, it was Fourth of July, and I wanted to 
join the rest of the boys in celebrating the day, but pater 
familias gave me a stint that would take an able-bodied 
‘man until nearly night to accomplish, and said I must finish 
that before going off to play. 

“The work consisted of hoeing the whole side of a corn- 








276 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


field up to a certain stake which had been used for holding 
up a scare-crow. I slipped out before breakfast and moved 
the stake a good distance, so that it would shorten my 
task. | 

“It was apiece of deception, but when the recording 
angel put it-down, he put it in pa’s book instead of mine. 

“Tt did not come out well, however, for after breakfast 
my stern .parent took me into the field and just as I was 
beginning to hoe, informed me that I was in the wrong 
place; that what he meant was that I should begin on the © 
other side of the field, and hoe to the stake. I started to 
tell him then that the stake had been moved, but, on 
second thought, I did not want to tell him. There was 
nothing to do but for me to accept the situation and work 
up to my boundary, while he himself took the other side. 
I had no Fourth of July holiday that year. 

** My step-mother was not very kind to me, and father 
was always too tired to caress me, even if he had possessed 
that peculiarly affectionate disposition which belongs, I 
think, to city life more abundantly than to country. So I 
resolved to run away from home. 

‘‘ Many a boy has thus resolved because home had not 
the sweet attractiveness to him which it might, and should 
have had. : 

“T had saved up a little money, and with this I clandes- 
tinely bought a complete outfit of clothes, that I might be 
respectably dressed on my departure. Secreting my pur- — 
chase in the loft of the boat-house, into which no one ever 
climbed except myself, | bided my time to make good my 
escape. 

“Winding that I had no heart to leave as long as I was 
even moderately well treated, I resolved to remain until there 








“* » Pay Morons ¢ 
\ 


THE BUREAU OF VITAL STATISTICS. QT7 


should be some outbreak of anger on my father’s part, 
against which my nature would rebel. 

£3 Meanwhile, I succeeded in procuring a good wig and a 
pair of false whiskers, so that, in case of emergency, I could 
go away incog. 

“One day my father was particularly ill-natured. If all 
the bears in the world were one bear, and if that bear had 
a sore head, he could not have been any crosser than my 
unhappy parent. He had just discovered that the worms 
were destroying his cabbages, the beetles his potatoes, the 
bugs his squashes, and the drouth everything in general. 

*“¢ Nevertheless he should have remembered that I was his 
boy, and that nothing in earth, air, or sea could destroy my 
soul. ; 

“ He did forget it, because accidentally I broke a window 
with a stone while driving the pigs out of the garden; he 
told me to go into the barn and take off my jacket. I 
knew what that meant. I knew, too, that the punishment 
would outweigh the offence just in proportion that his own 
grievances outweighed his benefits. I would get chastized 
not only for the broken window, but on account of the 
-worms, beetles, bugs, caterpillars; and drouth ; and this was 
more than I could endure. 

“¢Go right into the barn!’ commanded my stern parent. 

«¢ 7] will go and drown myself first, said I. 

“He was astounded. It was the first time I had ever dared — 
to disobey him, nor would I have dared on this occasion 
only for the confidence I reposed in my legs. 

“‘ He started to catch me. That was a bit of fun I had 
anticipated. I ran straight for the river, shouting the while 
that I was going to drown myself. As soon as I reached 
the bank I jumped down out of sight, and then ran along 


Ae Bs MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


under cover till I came to the boat-house, into whose loft 
I soon clambered, where I knew I was safe. 

“A convenient knot-hole enabled me to observe my father 
as he walked up and down the edge of the stream in an 


agony of alarm. | | 
“T donned my new clothes, put on my wig and whiskers, 


and doubtless looked like a man in appearance, for, notwith- 


standing my years, I was an adult in size. 


i 
















ee 





ts 
= = a = 





IN DISGUISE. 


“ After a while my father came to the boat-house and called 
my name. Once he tried to climb into the loft, but he was 
not sufficiently agile to accomplish the feat. Then he 
started back to the house as fast as possible. I was afraid 


he was going for a ladder, so, as soon as the coast was clear, — 








THE BUREAU OF VITAL STATISTICS. 279 


1 bundled up my old clothes, put them under my arm, left 
my quarters, and pushed on down the river at full speed, till 
I came to the woods, where, as I well knew, I could conceal | 
myself for an indefinite time. 

“T concluded to remain in the neighborhood for a few days 

and watch the progress of events, for 1 had a scheme in my 
head by which I could furnish myself with food and lodging. 
There was another boy in those parts who was bent. on run- 
ning away at no distant time, and I knew that I could get 
at him in my disguise, and secure his sympathy and assist- 
ance, by promising to find an opening for him in the great 
~ world of wealth and happiness into which I was going. 
- “How strangely my venture terminated! On the very day 
that I left my old clothes in the woods, they were found by 
a. stray boy, a stranger in the neighborhood, who put them 
on, and shortly after was capsized and drowned, while boat- 
ing in the river. 

“After a while his disfigured remains were found; and 
when the clothes had been identified as mine, the body was 
pronounced mine also. 

“« Next came the funeral, and I could not resist the tempta- 
tion of attending it, for my chum said it would be the big- 
gest joke of the season, and avowed that I was so nicely 
fixed up that never a soul would know me. 

“ However I failed to see the joke when I observed how pit- 
ifully broken down my poor old father had become. I heard 
him tell the minister that I was the best boy that ever lived, 
that I had not a fault in the world, and that if he could only 
have me back again, he should devote his whole life to my 
happiness. And when he went and stood over the horrible- 
looking corpse, and shed ereat burning tears, as he called 


to me, I could have died of remorse. 


‘ 


had some of that realization years before, I am certain it es 






280 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“However, I was anxious to hear the sermon. It proved 
more trying to my nerves than I had anticipated. The elo-— 
quent eulogy which the minister had pronounced over my : : 
beloved remains was totally unlike anything I had ever : 


heard said of me before. Everybody in the house cried i 


because IT was dead. I cried with the rest. I could nop ‘ 
have helped it to save me. = : 


alt 
ih 





THE DROWNED Boy. 


“In wiping the tears from my whiskers, I once or twice 
nearly pulled them off. For the first time | was made to- 
realize how much the world thinks of a boy. Could I have 


j 


would have made me try harder to be true and faithful To | 


had always felt the need of encouragement. 


“When the funeral was over, and my dear father had a 
placed some beautiful flowers on my grave, I could not find 


4 
e Ss es a 
a Oe Oe 


a eae Fe 
\ 
Pre 


+ 
aes 
ee 





THE BUREAU OF VITAL STATISTICS. 281 


it in my heart to return to the woods. How could I leave 
so good a parent to grieve my loss? How could | separate 
myself from the soul-stricken neighbors who had left, their 
work in the very midst of the busy season to come and bear 
earnest testimony of their sorrow at my untimely death. 
Furthermore, I wanted to be where I could attend church 
every Sunday, for I had just discovered what a nice man 
the minister was, and how fondly he was devoted to boys— 
especially me. : 

“T waited till evening, and then took off my disguise, and 
walked into the sitting-room, where my father sat, still cry- 
ing, and said IL: 

“¢() papa, was n’t that a first-class funeral ?’ 

*¢He jumped to his feet as though lifted by an electric bat- 
tery. His fixed gaze indicated that he was frightened. So 
was I. He thought he saw a ghost. He was not certain 
but he was a ghost lrimself. I began to fear I might get the 
whipping yet. No. He came nearer. He looked into my 
face for a moment, then threw his arms around my neck 
and kissed me. We had no fatted calf on hand, but the 
biggest rooster on the farm was killed that night; and we 
had him for breakfast next morning. 

“After that I was a better boy. The oil of birch had 
become a thing of the past. 

“T believe a great many boys would turn out better if they 
could have their funerals first, and turn out afterwards. 

« Having them at the beginning, rather than at the end of 
their career, would lead them to the discovery of the world’s 
appreciation. 7 

“When I saw that I was not the only farmer’s boy who 

suffered from the thoughtlessness of parents and guardians, 


I made up my mind that when I got old enough, I would 


i 





282 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


start a newspaper in the interest of human kindness. That 
is how The Farmers’ Guide happened to have an existence. 

“T wanted to say to the public that children ought to be 
praised for their well doing. Applied love is the only kind 
worthy of mention. 

“ What a quantity of water may be gotten from certain 
pumps if one will first pour water into them. How much 
love may we obtain from human hearts when we begin by 
loving them. 

“There are trees which hold their dead leaves through all 
the fierce storms of winter, but drop them at the approach 
of spring. On human life there is likewise much waste foli- 
age which cannot be beaten off by force, but which silently 
disappears when the life is surrounded by an atmosphere of 
love, thus stimulating inward growth. 

“Itis our duty to praise God, but sometimes it is a greater 
duty to praise man. The Creator needs no encouragement, 
but men, much. 

“‘Some seeds have shells so tough that unaided human 
strength is not sufficient to break them. As soon, however, 
as they are placed in the warm earth, and feel nature’s 
kindly touch, the stubborn bonds are broken, and the freed 
germ comes forth. There are sin-bound souls which the 


power of man cannot unfetter. Is it not reasonable to sup- 


pose that when what God has said seems to fail, what he as 


will succeed ? | 
‘All the men in creation can not force a little bird te 


sing; but.on a spring morning you shall hear the music of a_ 


thousand feathery songsters. The sun’s quiet influence 
brings this to pass. Warmth, light, and beauty are nature’s 
trinity, and should be ours. 











THE BUREAU OF VITAL STATISTICS. 283 


“<Love prays,’ says Mr. Emerson, and he might have 
added, there is nothing else that can pray. 

“One of the first things in creation is oil. It separates 
bone from bone. There are bones of contention in the 
moral world, between which there should be plenty of lubri- 
cating fluid to prevent the destructive friction which is con- 
stantly going on. What is wanted everywhere is that divine 
quality on which all the law and the prophets are founded.” 

Hereupon, the committee took their departure, having 
taken as much information as would fill the space allotted 
for their report on the subject of agricultural publications. 


CHAPTER AOXVITL. 
POLITICS AND REPENTANCE. 


HE extraordinary merit of my editorial work had made 
me numerous friends, and the time came when they 
determined to elect me to the office of assemblyman. 

The idea pleased me, and I pictured for my future years a 
long course of political honors, ending in the chair of Chief 
Executive of our great nation. I saw no reason why I 
might not fill with dignity any office to which I might be 
called by the sovereign will of our intelligent voters. 

My wife advised me to keep out of politics; but I thought 
I might as well show her and the rest of the human race 
just what I could do. | 

Our campaign work was proceeding splendidly, and I was 
assured by those wonderful political leaders who, at a 
moment’s notice, can always take several thousand “ intelli- 
gent voters” from their pockets as easily, if not as mysteri- 
ously, as a skillful juggler can extract a pigeon or a pig from 
a boy’s cap, that my election was just as certain as though 
the opposition candidate were already withdrawn from the 
field. However, nothing was left undone by my bitter oppo- 
nents. They even went to the extent of impulsively saying 
some things which were not quite true. 

As a general rule, it is not falsities that injure a candt 
date’s cause, but truths, of which there are usually enough 


to do the work pretty thoroughly. 
(284) 








POLITICS AND REPENTANCE. 285 


Arriving home from my office one evening, I was received 
eoolly, as I thought, by my wife’s respected mother. 

“ Where is Augusta ?”’ I inquired. 

«¢She has taken to her bed.” 

“What! is she not well?” 

“No; very unwell.” 

“T must g0 at once to see her.” 

“You must do nothing of the sort,’ came the reply. 
“She requested me to say that she would prefer not to see 
you again.” 

J was astonished. 

“What has happened?” I demanded, livid with—I don’t 
know what. 

“Your question would seem to be put as a mere matter of 
form, and not for needed information,” remarked the old 
lady. 

“T must beg of you to tell me what all this means,” I 
pleaded. 

“‘ Have you seen the last Agriculturist?”’ 

“ No, ma’am. That is a paper which I seldom read, for it 
is actuated by no higher motive than a spirit of jealousy 
against the greater success and excellency of my own publi- 
cation.” 

“Then here are a few paragraphs which may interest 
you, as they did Augusta and myself.” 

I took the sheet from her hand, and read as follows: 


“THE LIBERAL CANDIDATE FOR ASSEMBLYMAN. 
“ Wuy He SHovuLD Not BE ELECTED. 
“HE IS GROSSLY CORRUPT IN HIS MORAL NATURR.” 


Following these glaring headings came the specifications : 
‘First: On the seventh day of last July, Mr. August Berkeley, aban- 
doning his own wife and children, went into the State of New Jersey, 





Fae ee i Oe eT Nae, Re ORS SS ee OE y onda aie al Nea ee vn Te Aeron, SAT tele 
ces aie, A Te hake as ba ie Tea rab ee we ey cake 2 ah RS "See ‘ a 
See Beets Sais ro b Sy PRT aM Fe tala cake a ey | i 

: Nat SY Setup ora 


286 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


and secured the company of a certain woman, whom he boldly brought 


to Steinway Hall, avowedly for the purpose of listening to the lecture to 
be delivered by the Rev. Hallmid, but in reality to break up the meet- 
ing, which, by the disorderly conduct of himself anc. his companion, 
was very nearly accomplished. 
‘*Second: On the first day of August, he was again seen in the State 
of New J ersey in company with this Avoman, in a beastly state of intoxi- 
cation. She, then and there, confessed before several witnesses that he 
“was ‘waiting on her,’ but insisted that he must continue to wait until his 
arrival at the years of discretion. 


= 
SSS 


NY 


= 
Ex 





THE OPPOSITION PAPER. 


‘« Any persons desiring to satisfy themselves of the correctness of these 
charges can do so by calling at the office of this paper, and examining 
the proofs.” ; 

Looking up from the paper, I saw the beautiful eyes of 
my wife’s respected mother riveted upon me. | 

I had but little courage left, but I tried hard to make the 
most of that little. | 





Dts yee a are ae 








POLITICS AND REPENTANCE. 287 


““T suppose you know,’ I stammered, “that this is pub- 
lished by my greatest enemy, both for personal spite and 
political effect. It is not quite fair to believe all you read, 
particularly when it issues from such a source.” 

“ True,’ she replied. “I myself am opposed to receiving 
any report on newspaper evidence; nor will I ever allow 
myself to believe anything detrimental to one’s reputation 
until I have given the matter a personal investigation. In 
this case I have done so. At first, I did not believe these 
terrible things against you; but having spent two or three 
days in investigating the matter, I am compelled to tell you, 
Mr. August Berkeley, that you stand in my presence con- 
victed of the most disgraceful conduct of which any man 
can be guilty.” 

I beg the reader to observe how exceedingly praise- 
worthy was the -course pursued by my wife’s respected 
mother in this, my time of greatest trouble. Bless her 
heart! she would not believe any evil of me until she had 
exhausted every energy of her noble soul in proving it. 

The task which she undertook was fraught with many 
difficulties and disagreeable features; but, nothing daunted, 
this brave woman, urged on by the stern dictates of duty, 
accomplished her heart-rending task. What a reproof is 
her example to those gossip-loving parasites who seize 
eagerly on every ill report that floats in air, and fear 
nothing except’ that it may not be true. 

How much better and happier would be our world if it 
had more women like this one whom my pen delights to 
honor. Long may she wave! may her tribe increase! 

“No,” said she austerely, “it would not be right-for 
Augusta to see you again.” 

Mark, she did not say it would not be expedient, or it 


988 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


would not be suitable, but it would not be right. My 
wife’s respected mother was influenced by nothing but the 
supreme motive of right. 

Yet, owing either to my obstinacy, or to my obtuse con- 
ception of what constitutes right, I did see Augusta. 
Alas, how changed! I had left her flesh and blood,—I 
found her stone. | 

She did not send me away, but she did not smile; she 
did not weep; nor did she give any token of her feelings 
toward me. I could have endured anything rather than 
this complete passivity. Had she scolded, I could have 
said to myself, the tide is high and dangerous, but it will 
turn. But here was no tide, no hope for turning, no 
promise of change. Nothing is more terrible than the 
coldness of death — except the coldness of life. 

“ Augusta,” said I, “my political aspirations have now 
come to an end. I shall withdraw my name from the 
candidacy in which it has been used. Never again will I 
suffer myself to breathe an atmosphere where there is so 
much of moral rancor and cruel misrepresentation.” 

I would have given the world to have heard her reply, 
“T told you so!” Then she would_have been her dear old 
self again; but she simply replied, without lifting her eyes 
or changing a feature: - 

“ Just as you please!” 

What did those words contain? I do not know; but 
they punished me for more than words can describe. I 
would not have lifted a finger to prolong my miserable 
existence another moment. 

For some time I sat motionless, subjecting myself and 
my past life to a severe examination and judgment. I 
could see no saving quality in my soul. Everything per- 








POLITICS AND REPENTANCE. 289 


taining to my eventful career I painted horribly black, and 
then inwardly cursed it for being hideous. I sank into 
utter despair. | 

“« Augusta,” said I, in faltering tones, “I know I am 
unworthy of your love, and yet, now that I have lost it, 
all my happiness is forever gone.” 

I waited a moment for her to reply, but the silence of 
death prevailed. 

“My dear wife, I cannot, oh! I cannot endure this any 
longer! Speak to me! For heaven’s sake speak one kind 
word that | may know there is at least one drop of blood 
in your heart that does not hate me.” 

She turned her face from me, and buried it in her pocket 

handkerchief. 
_ “My fate is sealed,’ I cried in agonized tones. “I 
know now that it is your pleasure for me-to leave you. 
But will you grant me two requests? May I come some- 
times and see my precious children’ Will you teach them 
not to despise me wholly? Alas, you do not answer. Oh, 
Father of mercies! how haye I sinned, that even these 
things must be denied me! Augusta, since it must be so, 
farewell! Farewell to all of~ peace and joy that earth 
affords. I must-have wronged you deeply; and yet, before 
high heaven, I will record a vow that I have never wronged 
your love. To you, and you only, in every thought and 
act have I given that undivided affection which it is the 
pleasure, safety, and religion of a true husband to give to 
his wife. But my folly has destroyed your happiness. For 
this I deserve the severest chastisement the gods can 
inflict. For this lam forced from my home into the heart- 
less world. For this ss 





“ August, you shall not go,” sobbed Augusta, seizing me 


290 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


by the hand. ‘“ Why have I been so heartless? I did not, 
could not, believe you were false, even when others told 
me that the evidence was unimpeachable. But I was very 





I] 


My Ly 
Lis my 


Ae ag 


Sy = ee 
— DIPS LOE 
Se ZI 
“DF pe MEE 





~ at OUR RECONCILIATION. 


anery at you for what I called your foolishness. I knew 


all the time that you were utterly incapable of any perfidity. 
But tell me, how did it all happen?” y 
The total eclipse of my sun had disappeared as sud- 


denly as it came. It seemed to me that 1 was bathed in 


light, and love, and glory, as I took Augusta on my knee 











I chy) 


experiences with Jewell’s mother-in-law. 

Augusta laughed, and she cried. Then she kissed me, 
and called me a fool. | 

The strangest thing is that she went to work and made 
out a case against herself. She insisted that it was her 
own fault that I had not found my home so sweet and 
pleasant that nothing could have induced me to go to 
Skeetoville, even for a single visit. 

I informed her in the strongest English I could employ, 
that if she ever accused herself again on account of my 
consummate idiocy, I should be exceedingly angry at her. 

The next day she called to me as I was leaving the 
house : 

“ August, will-you please send an expressman to get the 

trunks and take them to the depot ?” 

«What trunks?” I inquired. 
“My mother’s. She is going back to Chicago to live.” 


: f f 82 
POLITICS AND REPENTANCE. L 1 oh At) 
Wa : a ti 
{ v@ : 
and gave her a complete and unvarnished account of my, 


/ 


LG 





LORPELET CRE ae | Bericht e: 
} | A, f : [] ries ; 


CHAPTER XXVIE. = ae . 


HOW AN ANGEL WAS FOOLED. 


q 


CELEBRATED “mediumess” had come to New 

York from Boston, and was creating quite a furore ie 
among a certain class. I was anxious to attend her seances, a 
but Augusta was quite contrarily anxious. At last, how- % 
ever, she gave her consent to my going on condition that I 
would take her along. We went. 3 a 
Mademoiselle Rambaneski began the eutertataeeer by 3 
speaking a good word for Boston, which she claimed was the 
headquarters of the Grand Army of disembodied spirits, — ee 
a sufficient explanation why all great reforms had been 
born there. : ‘ 3 3 
“The United States of America,” said she, “ ry to ites =a 

a Christian nation, for it had exactly the same kind of — 
origin that the Christian religion had.” 
I elevated my ears. a 
“You will remember,” she continued, “that in the first — ee 
ease, there were originally the master and his twelve : 
disciples. So likewise in respect to our country there 
were originally Massachusetts and twelve other States.” — 
Never before had I heard such adequate justice meted 
out to the little land of the Pilgrims. —_- Coes 
After the introductory lecture I counted. noses, and found 


besides Augusta’s and mine (which according to the logic Ba. 
(292) 








HOW AN ANGEL WAS FOOLED. — 298 


of matrimony make only one), about a dozen others, large 
-and small, male and female. 

But had I been hit over the head with a thunder clap, 
I could not have been more astonished than I was in 
beholding the nose that belonged to an old schoolmate whe 
at one time had fallen on his face, and badly wrecked his 
breathing apparatus. 

He had not caught sight of me yet, and I was glad of 
this, fearing that he might 





become so demonstrative, if 

















he knew I was there, that all « 1x | \ eg \ 
the celestial visitors would \\ \ yi . ‘ 
be frightened away. \\t (KIN, 

‘ ARS } 


ge 


_ This danger was happily 
avoided, for Mademoiselle \\\ 
Rambaneski now ordered the AN 


ee! 
oy 
a igs 













lights extinguished, having \N | \ 
first formed us into a “ scien- ‘ J " } 
tific circle.’ Should any one WAN 
desire to know what kind of © Woe 


a circle this is, I can only say 
that it is just the opposite of 
what you PMcmai perin coe 
old-fashioned meeting-houses where all the men sit on one 
side, and all the women on the other. 

In this case we sat side by side. Augusta was very 
particular to get by my side. I think it would have been 
even more satisfactory to her, if she could have occupied 
the other side of me also. Then we all joined hands. 

The first ghost that appeared was easily recognized. It 
was that of some murdered music which had been ordered 
by Mademoiselle Rambaneski. : 


2.94. MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


About thirty minutes we sat in the dark, quietly holding 
to each other’s hands without getting any manifestation, 


_ but nobody complained. 


The singing was wretched, but nobody cared. — : 
There was not a breath of untainted air in the unven- 


' tilated room, but nobody thought of that. 
The heat was. oppressive, but no one deemed it worth — 


mentioning. 

We were a reconciled lot, with the exception of Augusta. 
In more than one instance, I have found her a little hard to 
please. While we were 
doing our best on “ Home, 
sweet Home,’ she whis- 
pered to me that I must 
change seats with her. 1 
felt disinclined to change, 
—my natural inertia is 
such,—but as it was not 








quietly complied with her 
AN OLD SCHOOLMATH, igh Sp 
: request. 
The gentleman who had been next to her on the opposite 
side, was not made aware that an exchange had taken place. 
Again we all joined hands. 


Augusta has a pretty large hand, while J, for a man, have 
quite a small one, and therefore they are about the same 


size. Morever, as I have never been guilty of doing hard — 


or rough work, my hand is soft and delicate. 

No sooner was I in my new place, than my new partner 
signified his entire satisfaction with my hand, by giving it 
a very warm grasp. The ardor with which he pressed it in 


point, I consented, and 





a fit place to argue the 








We 


HOW AN ANGEL WAS FOOLED. 995 


his own was an entirely new experience to me. Then he 
mellowed it all over with his thumb and fingers as he would 
an apple to ascertain whether it was ripe enough. I knew 
then that he had “the wrong pig by the ear.” 

Occasionally I gave him a slight pressure of my palm in 
response to his affectionate conduct, which was immediately 
followed by such hearty recognition on his part, that for 





THE VISIT OF THE ANGELS. 


the next minute or two the blood in my fingers had no room 


to circulate. 


After a while there were some manifestations. The 
angels brought flowers freshly plucked. A handsome 
bouquet was thrown into my lap. I think it was intended 
for Augusta, but the angels had not happened to see us 
exchange places. 

About this time, what proved to be a beautiful pearl 
ring was slipped on to my finger. I was very happy. 





296 : MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBANDS 
In due time the lights were struck. Then my demon- Ae 
strative partner and I looked into each other’s faces. I 2 
saw that it was none other than my old schoolmate with the 
battered nose. 

He saw it was me. 

How disgusted he looked. He said never a word, but stole 
away into the outer darkness. 

I know not why it was, but Augusta went hoheas a bad 
state of mind. She declared she would never go to another 
seance, nor would she even let me go. Perhaps she felt as 
hurt because she didn’t eet the angel’s ring. I offered 
her mine, but she indignantly refused it. How queerly 
contradictory is woman! It was the first pretty ring I 
had had all to myself since I was married. Just because 
it came from an angel, she scoffed at it. I cannot to this 
day even mention the fair name of Mademoiselle Rain- 
baneski without having to meet a domestic cloud charged — 
with red-hot wrath. ; es 

After all, I believe in spiritualism. It is good at heart. 
The best that can be said of some men is that they are good 
at heart, which means that they are meaner than dirt ino cae 
their outer dealings. What care we for one’s eoodness of = 
heart unless there is goodness in that portion of him 
which comes in actual contact with our daily life. I~ 
know of a farm which is covered all over with sand, but it ag 
is said in extenuation that away down under the sand there 
is a rich loam several fect in thickness. Nevertheless, the 
farm is not worth taxes. How different it would be if the Es 
soil were on the surface. An apple may be good at the — 
core, but if the outside is decayed, the core will be a drug 
on the market. Yes, the “ Religion of Knowledge,” as — 
opposed to that of “ Faith,” is ood at heart. It is often 








> HOW AN ANGEL WAS FOOLED. 297 


BH 


elothed in fine words. It should be clothed in fine lives. 
These are the only garments which Heaven regards as 
beautiful. It expects us to have them on at the grand 
wedding. © ; 

There is much fine gold in modern skepticism. So there 
are thousands of tons of silver held in solution in the sea; 
but it is not this thin solution that men want. A coin in 
the hand is of more practical value than the great 
earth’s diffused wealth. We are taught that God’s truth is 
everywhere in nature; but the universality is of no import- 
ance to us until we harness some for actual service. 

_ Old-fashioned doctrines may have’ been outgrown, but 
real Christianity, having no fashions whatever, is always 
new. 

There is a complicated net-work of accidents, incidents, 
history, chronology, persons and wonders, which has been 
palmed off upon the innocent and ignorant, as the genuine 
article; but Christianity itself is made up of eternal prin- 
ciples. ‘The way to the first is very broad, and many there 
‘be that go in thereat; but the way to the other is straight 
and narrow, and few there be that find it. 

Some persons think that Christianity is dying out 
because there is so much indifference concerning its 
claims. They might as well say that agriculture is dying 
out, seeing that so many men who ought to be engaged in 
it are idle. When God created man with an aptitude for 
hunger, he instituted agriculture; and so long as hunger 
remains, agriculture will not expire. When the same God 
created man with a heart of love and a spirit of hope, he 
instituted the church; and so long as man is man, the 
eburch is secure. 

Christianity in the abstract is not religion. It is like an 





298 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF iH HUSBAND. 


apple tree without any ‘fenit of its own. Fach sect pia 
on its favorite scion, till the tree becomes like Joseph’s | | 
coat,—of many colors,—and brings forth apples sour 
and sweet, great and small. a 
Christianity is naught but the grand foundation on which 
man may stand to the best advantage while making the 
most of his selfhood. No angel can do for him what it is | 
his duty to do for himself. He must answer his “own 
questions, work out his own problems, give careful heed to 
his own inner consciousness, and thereby receive the dis- 
-cipline which effort alone can give. ct | 
The heart is like a chalice, on the inside of whiGh are 


engraved the words: “There is a God; man is immortal.” 


But the cup is too often filled with a dark fluid which ae 


makes the writing illegible. It is only necessary to clarify 
the contents by putting purity in the place of sin. This is 
far better than BU ogee 10 our ears in the endeavor to catch 
ghostly words. 





CHAP DER XXX. 


LIFE-INSURANCE AND DEATH. 


$6 \ N Y HAT a queer set of humbugs modern astrologers 
| are!”’ remarked Augusta. 

“Yes; but somehow their predictions are often fulfilled,” 
1 replied. 

‘¢ For that matter, so are yours, or mine, or anybody’s.” 

“That may be; but nevertheless I believe there are for- 
tune-tellers who can read the future with unerring cer- 
tainty.” 

“Well, then, let us put the matter to the test,’ replied 
Augusta. “I have just found, among some of the old 
papers left here by my mother, one that contains the horo- 
scope of my own destiny, as made out by an astrologer 
when I was an infant. It says: 

«¢his child will have an eventful life.’ ”’ 

‘So you have had,” I interposed. 

“<She will be married between the age of nineteen and 
twenty-four.’ ”’ 

“So you were.” 

*¢¢ Her husband will be a professional man.”’’ 

“So I am.” 

“<¢ He will be good-natured, but extremely unwise.’ ” 
To this I made no reply. 


*¢ He will never be sent to an insane asylum, although if 
| (299) 


ie: 






300 “SM Y WIFE'S FOOL: OF=A HUSBAND. eget eb 


he should be once there he would have difficulty in finding a 
physician who would recommend his discharge.”” 

To this, also, | made no reply. 3 

“<¢ He will die rich, ” 


“TI have always told you so,” I ejaculated. 


“And I have never believed it, and don’t now,” replied _ s 


















as I thought, without raising her — 
eyes from the paper. : 
She continued to read: 


T | ““< His widow, 


“i 


Ai A 





experience her 

% most peaceful 
g y days, and be sur- 
an 
i 


HAH 
{ 


WA ye Z, 

ba WY Gag 

TANG A 
MUR He 4 


Ss SS“ 
SSS 






—_ 
Le 
SEAS 
SSN 


ry 
aes 
oe 


.< 
ox 
ca 
esuen 
= 
= 


aoe 


oe ek 
ass 
= 

LAS 


aa 
: 
i 


Just: so 


= TJ exclaimed, 






2 thinking only 


= 
ae re 

——— ——— ———— 

—S= : = Sr tgte — 


— about. the chik 





:  OPene 15 a 
THE HOROSCOPE. _ 
p pee ane Shae “< She will be. 
left a widow within four years of her bridal day.’ ” , 


Augusta, somewhat discourteously, ape. 


asa widow, wih 


I turned white. According to this, I had but one year — ae 


more to live. : ae 
Augusta laughed, although she is not the least bit heartless. 
But she is wonderfully practical. Nota drop of her blood, 
either from nature or education, is superstitious. ye 
_I am differently constituted, and have been differently — 
trained. Both my father and mother accepted the entire 








LIFE INSURANCE AND DEATH. 301 


ode of signs and wonders. Moreover, I have known many 
eases where the necromancer’s prophecy has been verified 
to the letter. Besides, | am persuaded that superstition, 
within certain limits, is strictly in accordance with the fit- 
ness of things. It is the ground-work of all our faith in 
spiritual concerns. . Find a child who is wholly devoid of 
superstition, and you have found one who will come up - 
without believing in God or immortality. Yet it does not 







LEAL 
=a ee, 


FE 


&. 











HER MOST PEACEFUL DAYS. 


follow that these lofty conceptions are superstitions. The 
explanation is this: The superstitious soul learns the art of 
using its wings without the aid of reason. At first it flies 
low. But the same wings which carry it over malarial 
marshes will, in the end, convey it to the sunlit heights of 
eternal truth. 

At the time of which I write, my own spirit was evidently 
hovering over a swampy region. I was worried. However, 
I tried to conceal my feclings from Augusta. I was too 








302 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


proud to let her know that I really believed I must die in 


less than twelve months. 


Remembering that my own mother had taken me at a 


very early age to a spiritual medium to have my fortune 


told, I resolved to get possession of that record, also, in 
















\\\ 
\ \ 
WAN 


\ 


K( 

A 
Ss 
SESS 


\J 
SS = 


— 
WSS 
NS 





: i \ 





CORROBORATING EVIDENCE. 


much trouble to my wife. — 


order that I might 
compare it with the 
one belonging to Au- 
gusta. 


My mother was dead, - 


but I knew that my 
oldest brother had 


taken charge of her. 


private effects. To 
him I wrote, asking for 
the paper on which my 


fate was penned. 


He sent it. To my 


se a a 
Vii amazement, 1t was re- 


markably correct in its 
prognostications, ex- 
cept on such minor 
points as, for example, 
that my nondescript 
character would bring 


Then I came to the presage of my decease. For a 


moment my heart ceased to beat. 


The oracle had foreseen 


that I would die at eight o’clock, on my thirtieth birthday. 
I had just passed my twenty-ninth. Here was the testi- 


mony of two seers to the same forthcoming event. The last 


lingering hope was driven from my heart. I felt the posi- 


_ 


\ 


Bee 
> 
ae 








pes 


RRS MERE 


y 


of 


; 


a 


Pee Le ey ° ir 
ae TPS < Seat x 
fe eet Nv apiee Sh dy a 
t aie ee ek AS Ls 

oa a ~— aa 


es 





oe 


Se rae eye ek NS Pe 


. 


Stew lls 
One 


Ja 


ak 


Fe : he ry ; 
ee ea x 


| 


ery 


Mex 


ae 


ee 


LIFE INSURANCE AND DEATH. Oe 


tive conviction that my time was near at hand. Still, I | 
would not unfold my feelings to Augusta. Not for the 
world would I share with her the chilling mantle that 
shrouded my drooping spirits. In her light-heartedness, 
she had even forgotten the terrible warning of her own 
sphinx. 

To make fit preparation for death was now my only con- 
cern. I stopped smoking—stopped it several times; for I 
would often be so absorbed in theological study as to light 
my pipe without realizing what I was doing. 

I no longer chewed cloves, coffee,.parched-corn, sweet- 
flag, or kindred groceries, which may be had gratis after a 
five-cent outlay. I went to church every Sunday, except 
when the Sunday Herald’s weather report announced that, 
in New York and vicinity, cloudiness might be expected, 
and possibly rain. 

So comforting did I find the preaching of the Rev. Selah 
Brownell that I preferred listening to it, even to staying at 
home and “ minding” the half-dozen babies. 

Week-day evenings, instead of squandering money at 
wicked amusements, I attended revival services, where a 
new three-cent piece dropped into the contribution-box 
would receive as kindly a smile as would a dollar and a half 
from the evil spirit who presides in the box-office of a thea- 
ter. I found that it was far cheaper to go to heaven than 
to go through the world. 

One night the minister asked me to get up in meeting and 
relate my experiences. Not knowing’ exactly what to talk 
about, I selected Jewell’s mother-in-law, she being my great- 
est experience, and the one most recent. The audience, for 
the most part, appeared pleased with my few feeble remarks, 
but the minister uncivilly cut them short in their incipiency 






» 304 ~ MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


by giving out a hymn, and asking the congregation to join. 
in singing. I knew by my feelings toward him that I was 
not yet prepared for my final departure. 3s } 
On the way home, I fell to thinking of the shortness of 
my remaining time, and of the necessity of doing everything = 
in my power toward providing for the wants of my family. | Bh 
The idea of eetting my life insured suddenly flashed upon — 





EXPERIENCE MEETING. 


Sut 


me. It grew upon me. I.would get a fifty-thousand-dollar : 
policy—yea, a hundred-thousand-dollar policy. I would ‘ae E 
surprise Augusta with a fortune after my demise. fee 5 
The next day I sold The Furmer’s Guide and all its rights ~ 
and belongings ; sold:my printing stock and office furniture, : 
including the white monkey. I took all the proceeds, and 
went to the various life insurance companies, and invested 


THE LIBRARY 
Of THE 
UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS 


pod 


33 
ES 


Sega e 
rag Aree 


ESP ELE LBD 





PREPARING FOR DEATH. 





LIFE INSURANCE AND DEATH. _ 80T 


in policies until the last cent was expended, and I was 
insured for one hundred thousand dollars. The doctors 
asked me all sorts of questions, but, fortunately, no one 
thought to inquire if I had received evidence from astrolo- 
gers that I was soon to die; so I had no false statements to 
make, and was able to retain a clear conscience. True, I 
was swindling the insuratice companies, but it did not once 
occur to me that there was anything wrong in that. I had 
heard many sermons, but no clergyman to whom I had lis- 
tened ever said a word against taking advantage of a life 
insurance company. 

Timagined I had done the good thing which would bring 
me a rich reward in eternity. I pictured Augusta as deeply 
affected by my wise and affectionate forethought when she 
should suddenly find herself a wealthy widow. She would 
know then how | had loved her. 

However, | was not quite certain that I was ready for 
death. I resolved to leave nothing undone toward securing 
my everlasting safety. 

With this end in view, I committed to memory the Thirty- 
nine Articles, the one hundred and seven questions and 
answers of the Westminster Shorter Catechism, the Ten 
Commandments, the hieroglyphics of our Central Park 
Hgpytian Obelisk, and the longest, the shortest, and the 
middle verse of the Bible. Then I demonstrated by actual 
count that the word “‘ Lord” is used in the Holy Scriptures 
one thousand eight hundred and fifty-three times. 

I read with severe attention such works as the Talmud, 
Genealogy of Melehizedek, Tenets of the Schwenkfeldcrs, the 
Apocrypha, twenty volumes of Acta Sanctorum, Emanuel 
Swedenbore’s Heaven and its Wonders and Hell, and forty- 


- seven pages of a hand-book of English Hcclesiology. 
| 19 


808 - MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


The result of my close application to these pious authors 


became manifest in my loss of flesh and cadaverous appear- 


ance. Hour by hour I wasted away, until my skin embraced 


my bones with little interference. My wife became alarmed. 
A medical consultation was held. Some thought there was 
too little water in the stomach, others that there was too 
much in the brain. Some said I ought to go South. Others 


advised the North. The wiser ones said my malady was 


< wholly mental and could not be 
reached by ordinary Materia 
\ Medica. a 





\ I would not tell. 


approached, my bodily symp- 
\ Gs NM i\\ toms began to correspond with 
iN . 





came on. The physicians ac- 


WASTING AWAY. 


critical, and ceased speaking — 


hopefully to my wife. She was bowed down with grief. At 
my bedside she tried to smile and speak cheerfully, but I 
could see the agony behind her tears. 


- [had a presentiment of my death. This made three wit-— 


nesses, all equally trustworthy. My presentiment was that 


my life would be spared till the last moment of the allotted - 
time. I should die at eight o’clock the evening of my thir- 


tieth birthday. -T was born at eight o’clock in the evening. 
My mother had died at eight o’clock in the evening on her 
sixtieth birthday. I saw with great clearness that one-half 


As the day of my. dissolution 
my mental condition. I had no : 


knowledged that my case was — 





appetite. A dangerous fever 2% 








ae 


LIFE INSURANCE AND DEATH. 309 


of sixty was thirty. All the prominent events of my life 
had occurred at eight o’clock in the evening. I was to have 
been married at seven, but fate secreted the matrimonial 
license, and delayed the wedding an hour. My wife’s 
respected mother had arrived at our pleasant home at eight 


o’clock in the evening. 


The day came that was to be my last on earth. Sorrow- 


ing friends stood about my couch almost killing me with 


their misguided kindness. 


TRS 
SSS 
~ 





THE LAST FAREWELL, 


At six o’clock in the afternoon, I became too weak te 
converse except a few broken words. At fifteen minutes 


past six my feet grew cold. Five minutes later I had a 


severe chill. At half past six I refused brandy and water. 


Fifteen minutes before seven, I called for the six. babies, 


and gave them my dying blessing. I beckoned to Augusta 
to receive my final farewell; but she was so overcome by 


~~ 





50 FEN MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


her feelings that the attending physician was obliged to 
hasten to her assistance. 

At seven o’clock, the Rev. Mr. Brownell having heard 
that I was about to be launched into eternity, came into the 
sick room and began administering what comfort he could. 


To him I explained with all my remaining breath how fate — 





had decreed, by three infallible witnesses, that I must cross - 


the Stygian ferry, and that eight o’clock was the exact time 
when the expiration would occur. 

He tried to convince me that I was laboring under a deli 
sion, but his effort was a failure. J assured him that if I 
should not have departed this life by the time the clock 
should finish striking eight, I would never have any more 
faith in predictions or presentiments. 

How unconcerned is early childhood in the weighty mat- 
ters of eternity! Little Susie was our eldest child, having 
been brought to us in a basket. She was a very precocious 
little four-year-old, and full of prattle. I had given her a 
solemn farewell, and told her she could never see her papa 
alive any more, but evidently she had not comprehended my 
words. 

Leaving me, she joined some older playmates on the 
street. Pretty soon she returned to my side bubbling over 
with enthusiasm. Somebody had given her one of those. 
toys called the “Fifteen Puzzle.” Until then, I had never 
seen it. She begged of me to do it for her. It looked easy. 
How could I turn away from the sweet little child, realizing 
that it was a last request to a dying man? So, taking hold 
of the little blocks with my skinny fingers, I began shoving 
them about, while Susie was intensely interested. In a 
little while, I began to get interested myself. It perplexed 
me to see how near I could come to success without reach- 










: 
ih. 
aa 
wa 
: 

* rs 
S 
B 
gor 
Pal \- 
Pot. 
. ie 
, 
a 
ett 
2 

: 

ie 





LIFE INSURANCE AND DEATH. | 311 


ing it. ‘Summoning all my power into one resolution, I 
whispered, “Wait a few minutes, Susie, I will get this done 
before I die.” 

My ruling propensity, strong even in death, is, as the 


reader well knows, concentration. In attending to any one 


thing, I forget everything else. That fifteen puzzle took the 
whole of me, and needed much more. Once absorbed in 





A LAST ACT. 


‘that, I became utterly lost to all the world besides. Time 


after time I reset the pieces and renewed the struggle. 
Hight o’clock, nine o’clock, ten o’clock came, but I was 
«sensible to the flight of time. J had actually forgotten to 


‘die. The fifteen puzzle had beaten the prophets. Or, shall 


I be more erateful, and confess that the little waif whom [ 
had saved from the unpitying world had now saved me? 


B12: MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


My superstition was gone. With remarkable rapidity I 
recovered my health. | . ie 

My wife’s rejoicing was boundless. But, alas! I was 
eompelled to break the sad news to her which was weighing 
heavily on my own mind. : 


“« Augusta,” said I,“ Whe Farmer’s Guide is lost to us. I 


sold it out, and invested the proceeds in life insurance _poli- 
cies, which must now be for- 
feited. I had planned to 
leave you one hundred thou- 
sand dollars more than we 
already possess. But I did 
not die when my time came, 
and the entire amountis lost. 
Just my miserable luck!” 
“ August,” said the dear 
woman, putting her arm 
around my neck, “we have 
still enough left to make us 
comfortable through ~ life 


without ever doing any more 





work. But I would a thou- 

“JUST MY LUCK!” . ~ gand times rather have you, 

| even without a penny, than 

to secure the wealth of a Vanderbilt, and be separated 
from you.” 


“ Your precious love shall be my religion,” said 1; “and 


henceforth I will honor it by the best life I can. possibly 

lead.” ae 3 a 
It is said that a certain place is paved with good resolu-— 

tions. I myself have furnished enough to macadamize a 


road from New York to Jerusalem. 










L ced 
ot 


ee 


PP eo de 
+? ee) a” a 


ped ae 
iat ate? 


— 


We ATS og see i 
CO hae ert 


" 


x 
"f 








40, Aa 
¥ 


wonTy 


wd 
ry 


Ne 
ake 
ae 
ae 
Bes 
BS. 


- 
: OS a aa eC ee, 2 
eee on a oe Boia aes ih alt Siete’ 
2 tre Mend VO wht 

« Pte: f nl? ¢ 


ig a 


Vy 


ft 





Be ea oe 


LIFE INSURANCE AND DEATH. 313 


There is a great ship in the harbor, and the fireman is 
now putting coal in the furnace, and the engineer is _polish- 


‘ing the machinery. Is this what the ship was made for? 


To-morrow will the fires be again kindled, and the metal 
again be cleaned? Day after day and year after year shall 
this be repeated, until at last the vessel rots where it lies? 
‘Such is my poor life. Probably it was designed for a glori- 
ous voyage; but, notwithstanding my forever getting ready 
to start, I am still in the dock. 

I lack application. It is everything. What good is 
accomplished by stirring dough unless it is finally converted 
into bread. He knows enough already who knows how to 
make right use of what he knows. Wisdom is better than 
knowledge. 


oS Rae ORT Vn ie SR ie 
Kd ieee ae eA 
i ah 


~~ 









a ‘= eb; <9 ~My, eee ae 
oie a ee SONS “fe ay ne aS Bio sant 4 y 
ro ee ey eps 


CHAPTER XAXX. 
HOW I LOST A GOVERNMENT APPOINTMENT. 


a BOUGHT a house on one of ‘the avenues in New York, 

and after having it nicely furnished, moved my 
family into it, intending to settle down and spend the 
rest of my days midst love and ease. But after about a 
year of undisturbed quiet, I became restless. 

I fear that Heaven itself would not satisfy me more than 

a year and a half, unless it differs from those descriptions 
which it has been my misfortune to hear. 

I yearned for some kind of excitement. I wanted to 
be the hero of incidents, accidents, and achievements. For. 
a time I had my mind set on going to the North Pole ina 
balloon, but Augusta would not hear to that. ne 
_ Then I became ambitious to secure a foreign mission: 
For this purpose I wrote to the President of the United 
States, urging my fitness for the position. 

He replied that he regarded my claim with favor, and 
requested me to call at the White House the next Monday 
evening at nine o’clock sharp, in order to avoid the rush. 

“What do you suppose he means by this reference to the 
rush?” I said to Augusta. | 

‘“T cannot imagine,” she answered, ‘“ unless it be that, 
since he has been recently inaugurated, there may be 


others also seeking to obtain appointment to office.” 
(314) 


















HOW I LOST A GOVERNMENT APPOINTMENT. 315 


“Can it be possible,’ I asked, “that this country has 
any considerable number of persons who deem themselves 
: qualified for the position of representative toa foreign court?” 

“Perhaps the number is larger than you apprehend,” 
3 _=..<,,. responded my wile. 













~ When Monday came 
I took the first train to 
Washington, and ar- 
rived late in the after- 
noon with a _ hopeful 
heart. | 
Hastening to the best 
hotel, I was sadly dis- 
appointed in not being 
able to procure a room 
for love or money. 























BEING A HERO. 


I whispered in the clerk’s ear that I was August Berkeley, 


_and that I had been sent for by the President of the United 


States, who wished to consult with me on the affairs of 
nations. I had expected this information would so over- 
whelm his conceit that he would bow before me in abject 
humility, while giving me the assurance that the private 


316 MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND, © 9 7 = 


parlors of the house would be immediately put in order for 
my convenience. Phe | | 


No such effect was produced. He simply said with a 


haughty air of contemptible indifference : . 
“We can do nothing for you. The town is so full of 


office-seekers that an honest citizen has scarcely room to 


turn around. Look at. that register with its twenty-seven 


pages filled up since this morning.” 


eS SS ose ~~ SJ 





——— 


SS 
i 
one 


PNT 


phi: 
fe, 
Noe Bit 


os 
= 
ea 


s3 
Sse 


SS 





BEN Gh es ga 


sible!” 
“No, not names,” said he, “but titles. The names them- 
selves occupy a very small portion of the space.” ae 
I applied at all the other hotels, but with no better suc. 


cess. Surely, the multitude that considered themselves ee 
worthy of filling the highest position within the political | 


gift of the nation, was alarmingly great. 


“Twenty-seven pages of names!” I exclaimed.  Impos- > 









- = 


iw 


wi 
is . wis ee 
es te sa Cr an 
a a AE ei te bt gS th 


ets 


2 
{ 
ae Ae 
avi Pe eh RT ee he eet 
Be DAES a ee ee Cee 


> 


iq 
2p aE ee 
et 


Paes 
Ga hol 


mm 


Ags 
ph 

8 5 
ak 
ee 4 


a 1 
ws 
2Ar 


e. 








Pa 


; 5 
there, and-she was impa- || kc 


to capture one of them, 






-. HOW I LOST A GOVERNMENT APPOINTMENT. BLY. 


vw 


What should I do? To go to a boarding-house was 


beneath my dignity. ‘I had brought my best clothes in a 


trunk, and it was necessary that 1 have some place other 


than the street in which to effect my toilet. 


s Wandering about, I noticed a placard on a front door, 
which read: 
“ This cottage to rent. Completely furnished, and ready 
for occupancy. Inquire within.” 
I inquired. _ i 
it 


Only one woman was |) 








tient to leave. = iy 

Two “nights before, a 
sad thing had happened | * 
inthe house. It was en- || 
tered by burglars, and a 





servant who attempted | 


was murdered. The | 
family who lived there 
being of a very nervous 


temperament were 380 





overcome by this dreadful 


INQUIRE WITHIN. 


event, that the doctors 
advised their removal from the premises. 

A reward of two thousand dollars had been offered for 
information leading to the conviction of the murderer, and 


~~. it was announced that owing to the vigilance of the 


. police, he must be secreted at no great distance from the 


place where the crime was committed. 
Notwithstanding this thrilling account which I received 
from the woman, who with considerable bravery had occu- 


a 


A 


OL8x MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


pied the house for two days —but not nights—for the pur- 
pose of disposing of the property to the best advantage, I 
consented to take possession of it at once, and-for this 
privilege 1 paid a month’s rent in advance. 

I tried to obtain a valet, but owing to the innate super- 
stition of uneducated servants, and to my limited time, my 
efforts were futile. 

Being left the sole occupant of the cottage, I was sur- 
prised myself at discovering within my own breast a some- 
what indefinable discomfort; especially as the shadows 
of evening began to fall, and the timbers and floors began 





to creak —as they will’in a house where the fires are 
neglected — I almost repented of my bargain. 

Nine o'clock sharp, was the appointed time for meeting 
the President, and it was now half-past eight. 

I had dressed myself in my best habiliments, including 
my tightest boots, and arranged my rooms very orderly, 
being determined to bring back a senator or two, or at 
least a Judge of the Supreme Court, to spend the night 
with me. 3 

This done, I locked the door and ‘rushed down stairs. 

“YTdiot!” I exclaimed to myself, as I reached the street, 
“T do believe I am only half-witted to-night, for I have 
left the windows open, the gas burning, and my letter from 
the President, which must serve as an introduction, in my 
other coat. ~ i 

Back I rushed,*unlocked the door, pulled it open, an 
immediately I was transfixed with fear. I do not exagger- 
ate when I say that my heart entirely ceased to beat, and 
every hair of my head stood on end. In that instant I had 
seen the fluttering of the counterpane which covered the 
bed, extending to the floor on either side, and had distmetly 

















HOW I LOST A GOVERNMENT APPOINTMENT. 319 


-eaught sight of the soles of two boots as they vanished 


from view beneath the bed. 
I have always been a coward where burglars and robbers 


are concerned. It results, I suppose, from the blood- 


x. 






Sjovddvdd 
SS 
SSS Ss 


t} y, 
HY) 
HHA 


— 


—— 


— 


2a 


SS 


ft; 
% 
we 


ua? 


Le 


FA 


Me 


ANN 
aN 


il i ( fi | 
why 
iH 


TRANSFIXED WITH FEAR. 


ceurdling fictions told me when a little child by my old 
witch of a nurse. 

As soon as I could move, I withdrew from the room and 

locked the door. Not satisfied with this, 1 brought a lounge 

- and several chairs from an adjoining room, and braced 








320 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


them against the door, till I had completely filled the 
passage-way, so that by no possible means could the door 
be forced open into the hall. Then I paused to get breath 
and reflect. . Sain 

“Two thousand dollars,” I soliloquized, recalling the 
offer which had been made for the capture of the male- 
factor. “TI will make.a present of it to Augusta, and then 
won’t she be proud of her — 
hero when she learns how 
I obtained it.” - 

Hastening into the street 
I hailed the first man in 
sight, told him about the 
burglar in my chamber, 
and bade him watch the 
room and be ready to give 
the alarm in case anything 
should happen. 

Furthermore, I engaged 
a boy to stay on the side- 
walk, to see that the des- 
perado did not throw him- 





self from the window and 





AN EXCITED BOY . 
escape. Then I started for 


police headquarters, where I gave a thrilling account of my 
adventure, and as I was determined not to lose full control 
of the reward, I made a special arrangement with officer 
‘Matson, whereby he should act only as my agent and I 
should be considered the sole principal in the capture. 
After great haste in getting back to the cottage, we were 
met by the boy whom I had left in charge of the street 
department, and he informed us that “jest sure as 


— 


= 


= 


eke 


pees 
“SS 
ee 
awe 


peers: te 








THE HILARIOUS OFFICER. 





ca a Pe peragh at 





HOW I LOST A GOVERNMENT APPOINTMENT. 328 


guns” he had seen the big burglar appear twice at the 


window. And when, next moment, we met the man whom 
I had placed at the head of the stairs, he assured us that 
although the villian had not kicked any at the door, he had. 


plainly heard his footsteps on the floor. 


_ Cautiously we removed the barricade —though I was 
so unfortunate as to make an ugly rent in my coat—and 


when everything was in readiness, officer Matson grasped 
his revolver in one hand, turned the key with the other, 


and suddenly pulled open the door. What? There was 


. the same fluttering of the coverlet, and the same boots in 


the same place. 

In a second of supreme agony, the whole truth flashed 
upon me. I had changed my boots; and in putting the 
room to rights in the most approved style, had shoved my 
old ones under the bed, and in opening the door a draft had 
been produced which caused the white spread to move 
rapidly over them. | 

When officer Matson learned this, I verily feared he 
would raise the whole city with his aggravating laughter. 

No, indeed, it was no laughable matter to me. I put a 
roll of bills into the officer’s hands, and said: 

“Understand me, sir; this thing must not be made 


_ public.” 


“ Of course not,’ replied officer Matson, “but the fact 
that you thought you had the burglar is already out, and 


_ spreading like wild-fire in every direction.” 


“ So it is,’ I answered, “and that part of it cannot be 
stopped, but that I was frightened half to death at my 
own boots, is something that no one yet knows except you 


- and me, and it must never go further.” 


“Certainly not,’ responded Matson, “but I shall be 


324 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


asked all manner of questions about the burglar; and what 
shall I answer ?” . | 

“T don’t know,” said I, “but you must make up some- 
_ thing, anything, and I will not deny your statement of the 
case, put it how you will.” ‘ 

“Pledge me this on your honor?” said he. 

““T pledge you,” said I. 

It took me half an hour to find a decent coat, after 
which I entered a Herdic and was driven to the White 
House. : 

Too late. The President had gone to bed. The night 
watchman refused to wake him. 

Nor could | find any senators or judges lying around 
loose who would accompany me to my house. 

I returned crestfallen and alone, resolving, however, to 
see the Chief Magistrate early next morning. 

Next day, 1 was compelled to wait until alate hour for 
the Chief Executive to get up and dress himself. 

At last I succeeded in obtaining an audience. 

To my surprise, the President received me with a most 
freezing air. 

“Tf you had come last night,” said he, “ you would have 
received an enviable appointment, but how can you have the 
face to intrude yourself upon me since the disgraceful — 
affair concerning which the papers of to-day give a full 
account. 

I staggered. 

The President glared at me savagely. 

“ You must admit,” I stammered as soon as I could partly 
recover my composure, “that no moral turpitude attaches 
to my recent conduct.” 

‘Perhaps you think so,” said he scornfully, “but when a 








HOW I LOST A GOVERNMENT APPOINTMENT. 325 


man has become so addicted to strong drink that he allows 
himself to get drunk before the public, he is not exactly 
what we want as a representative of our glorious nation.” 

“J am glad to hear it; but who says I was drunk ?” 

“Did you not run through the streets pretending that a 
burglar was in your bed-room?”’ 

“ Yes; but who says I was drunk?” 

“Officer Matson.” 

“Officer Matson is a li—.” 

“Be careful sir; he is a relative of mine. I have seen 
him myself, and he says you could not deny his statement.” 

True enough. I had promised Matson I would not 
deny any version of the affair-he might choose to offer. 

There was nothing for it but for me to bid the President 
a long farewell. 

That day I vacated my cottage and returned to New 
York, giving Augusta a detailed description of my misad- 
venture. 


She was not astonished. 
be 





CHAPTER xX xed: 
VICTORY OF THE WOMEN. 


VERILY believe some of my New York friends experi- : 
af enced a sensation of difficulty in crediting my explana- 
tion of the Washington affair, for, to my chagrin, they came 
to urge me to sign a total abstinence pledge, and to join a 
temperance society, | 

Having nothing else to do, I signed and joined. I would 
have it distinctly understood, however, that I had no more 
need of such props than a carriage has of a fifth wheel. I 
disliked very much to bind with galling fetters the glorious 
American eagle in my bosom. But if any man can resist 
the tearful entreaties of one hundred and seventeen women, 
each one bearing a vote, instead of a child in her coming 
hands, he can do more than I. 

They convinced me that I was perfectly safe and sound in 
in all my habits as an individual, but that I was as much 
more than an individual as sunlight is more than sun. 
Pretty comparison, is it not? A person is like the sun’s 
body, which, as such, is comparatively useless, while a per- 
son’s influence is like the great universal effulgence that 
shines on the just and on the unjust. 

One lady said, quoting from Longfellow: 

“© T feel like Master Joslyn, when he found the hornet’s 
(826) 





VICTORY OF THE WOMEN. 327 


nest, and thought it some strange fruit until the seeds came 
out, and then he dropped it.” 

When I asked her what made her feel that way, she 
replied, that she merely wanted to illustrate the position of 
the man who finds the wine cup, and thinks it some strange 
fruit, until the seeds come out, and then—he does not drop 
it. “And this,” she continued, “ makes the vice of intem- 
perance a society interest. If the hornets confined. their 
deathly stings to the foolish person carrying the nest, other 
people might conclude, with some show of reason, that they 
would attend to their own business and let him attend to 
his. But when the hornets are stinging everybody at ran- 
dom, it becomes everybody’s business to destroy the nest, in 
spite of the objections of him who happens to have it in his 
possession.” 

I thought I saw some force in these remarks, although 
they could not justly be called argument, coming, as they 
did, from a woman.” 

“But you forget,’ said I, wishing to furnish a sample of 
genuine masculine logic, “that there is such a thing as_per- 
sonal liberty, for which our fathers and mothers fought, 
bled, and died, and with which no municipal, state, or 
national law must be allowed to interfere.” 

“That is all very well,’ answered the chairwoman of the 
New York Christian Union Temperance Universal Suffrage 
Equal Rights Just Compensation Social Reformation Pray- 
ing and Working Band, “ but if a railroad company were to 
adopt the plan of running open passenger cars on its track, 
it would avail nothing for 1t to plead that the cars were its 
own, and that if the people did not like them they could 
withhold their patronage; for the law would step in and 
compel the company to avoid even the occasion of danger. 








2328: MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


That is what we ask of legislation in this case. Intemper 
ance is running open cars over a rough road day and night. 
Ten thousand passengers fall off every year, and are either 
horribly maimed for life or killed outright. Not only the 
criminally careless thus fall, but they drag with them’ an 
untold number of innocent women and children.” 

“True,” I replied, “‘ but I am under the unpleasant neces- 
sity of showing you how far short your intuitive conception 
falls of an all-comprehensive rationalistic view of the real 
situation. This is a great world. And, although many are 
ruined by intemperance, they constitute but an insignificant 
minority compared with the millions who daily indulge in 
intoxicating beverages but are never injured thereby.” 

Any person but a woman would have been so staggered 
by this stubborn fact as not to attempt an immediate reply ; 
but the presiding officer of the New York Christian U. T. U., 
etc., etc., etc., had me answered before the last word was 
fairly out of my mouth. Then, just to give me something 
to think of, she told me how acompany of loafers were once 
gathered together in the bar-room of a tavern, when a ques- 
tion arose as to who could hold his leg in a tub of hot water 
the longest. ; | 

“ At last,” continued the chairwoman, “a quiet appearing 
stranger emerged from a dark corner, and requested to have 
the tub filled with boiling water, and then laid a wager that 
he would hold his leg in it for five minutes. The water was — 
provided, when immediately, without wincing, the stranger 
coolly dipped his leg into it, and held it there the full time, 
showing no indication of suffering.” * 


“Do you expect me to believe that?” I inquired, as the — 


chairwoman paused in her narration. “ A man never believes 
the unreasonable. No. person’s lower limb could be im- 





VICTORY OF THE WOMEN. 329 


Sao 


mersed for an instant in water at boiling temperature with- 


out causing the most excrutiating pain.” 

& You mistake,” said she. ‘“ For it was afterward discoy- 
ered that the man had a wooden leg.” 

“A very good story,” I replied, laughing. ‘“ But I cannot 
see what it has to do with the immunity from evil which is 
enjoyed by those who drink moderately of strong drink.” 

“ Why, can you not see the point?” exclaimed my fair 
visitor. “ When you hear a person boast that he has drank 
all his life, and that it has never hurt him, set it down that 
the head—which should have been the affected part—is 
essentially wooden.” 

“ Your judgment is too harsh and sweeping,” I respect- 
fully suggested. “There have been some great and good 
men in the world’s history who began with moderate drink- 
ing, and never went beyond it.” 

“True, sir; but they had to fight continually against a 
natural law or tendency, thus exhausting much energy that 
might have been more usefully expended.” 

“T do not quite catch your meaning.” 

“T mean this: The natural habit or tendency of alcohol is 
to make provision for its own future. Once introduced into 
the brain, it refits the brain for its convenience with the 
expectation of coming again. Every time it enters, it makes 
more elaborate preparations for subsequent visits. If cheese 

possessed this inherent demand for a constant increase of 
allowance, I should organize a society to work for the aboli- 
tion of cheese. Do you understand me now?” 

I understood more than I was willing to confess, but neg- 
lected to tell her so. 

_ “Strong drink,” she continued, “enters the delicate tis- 
sue of the brain, and, by absorbing the fluids, hardens the 


330 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


albumen, and ‘thus makes the victim utterly incapable of 
comprehending his own danger. Let me illustrate: 


‘“'Two men were crossing a slough, when one of them fell ~ 


into a treacherous mud-hole, from which the other was una- 
ble to extricate him.” 

“ How far was he in?” I inquired, thinking to entangle 
my disputant in the meshes of an improbability. 

‘“Up to his knees,” she replied. 

“His companion must» have been rather puny,” I said, 
laughing, “if he could not get even the lower part of one’s 
lower limbs out of the mire.” 


> 


‘“‘T said he was in up to his knees,” responded the woman 


with considerable emphasis. ‘“ But he was in head first. 


That is just the way the moderate drinker goes in. There- 
fore he needs must have much warning to withhold him 


from the dangerous pitfall, and abundant assistance when 
first he falls.” 

Realizing that I was not occupying the most advantageous 
eround for the complete suppression of the New York 
Christian U.T. U., etc., etc., etc., Praying and Working Band, 
T hastened to a new position, and said: 

“You must admit that the Bible—” 

But I had no time to finish, for the chairwoman had seen 
already what I was coming at, and was there herself long 
enough before me to furnish a volume of answer which 
would have caused a short-hand reporter to commit suicide.” 

‘<The ingenious devices of sin can prove anything by the 
Bible,’ she went onto say. “Once our minister had to be 
absent over Sunday, and not being able to obtain a supply 
from the clerical ranks, he asked a physician to occupy the 
pulpit. He consented, but found it very difficult to select a 
text to suit him. At last he came across these words, hay- 








VICTORY OF THE WOMEN. DOL 


ing reference to the divine Master, ‘ And he healed them all, 
and charged them, from which he proceeded to argue that 
doctors were justified in compelling their patients to pay 
fees. Some of the congregation were so ignorant they did 
not know that the whole clause reads, ‘ And ‘he healed them 
all, and charged them that they should not make him 
known.’ 

“Thus, on the temperance question, we demand that the 
Bible shall be fairly read and interpreted, not with refer- 
ence to a single sentence, but taking into consideration its 
whole spirit and purpose.” 

As I could not trust myself to quote even single sentences, 
to say nothing of discussing the whole soul and tenor of the 
good book, I wisely forebore to carry the discussion any 
further in that particular direction. 

“TI do not advocate the habitual use of stimulants,” said 
I, “but as a medicine—” 

“ Medicine ” was the last word I uttered for five minutes, 
during which I received more information embodying the 
opinions of eminent physicians than I had supposed existed 
in all the libraries of the world. 

“ Tt is just like this,” said the head official, after pronounc- 
ing a scorching anathema on the memory of Paracelsus, 
you find, that ina certain place your roof is leaking, and 
you send a man up to repair it. Being a shiftless workman, 
he does nothing but take some shingles out of the sound 
parts of the roof, with which to stop the leak in the unsound 
parts. All is well until the next storm, when you. discover 
that, although the water does not come through in the old 
place, there are several new places that need attention. 
Again you send for the workman, and again he mends the 
roof with the roof itself; and this continues, until finally 


882 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


the whole roof is destroyed. Sucha fraudulent workman is 
alcohol, and such a roof is the human system. Draw your 
own conclusion.” 

The conclusion I drew was that I was not making much 
headway against the assailant of my principles. 

Gathering all my energies for a final onslaught, I said: 

‘Do not suppose fora moment that I am not the most 
rigid advocate of temperance. But, looking at the subject 
coolly, deliberately, and from every side, as only a man is 
capable of doing, I must hold to the position that license is 
the most practical remedy for the monstrous evil with which 
we are trying to deal.” : 

“ And what will be the end? What is the final upshot of 
the license system?” asked the president aforesaid, in dul- 
cet tones, as though she were really asking for information. 

“The license policy,” said I, “ proposes to hold the evil 
under restraint, until, without any great revolution or unnat- 
ural excitement, it dies a natural death.” 

“That reminds me of the Irishman whose sleep was dis- 
turbed by a howling dog,” replied my fair tormentor. “ He 
endured the infliction as long as possible, and then jumped 
out of bed and out at the window into the wintry air. He 
had been gone a long time when his good wife began to 
worry, fearing something had happened to Pat. Going to 
the window, what was her surprise to behold her Jord and 
master sitting on a snow-bank in almost complete disarray, 
while holding to the dog by the hind leg. 

“¢Phat are ye doin’ thar, ye spalpeen ?’ she demanded. 

“«QOch, now, kape quiet,’ answered his masculinity. 
‘Don’t ye see I’m afther holding the baste here oontil he 
frazes to death?’ ” 

“That is nothing but an almanac story,” said 1; “and if 











VICTORY OF THE WOMEN. 333 


I had my hat on, I should certainly remove it out of respect 
to its venerable age. You certainly cannot expect me to 
believe it,” I added, hcping to confuse her. : 
_ She braced herself for a grand effort, and vigorously 
replied : 

“The story is just as reasonable as that any man whose 
brains are not made of sawdust believes that the license 
party can hold to the evil of intemperance until it dies a 
natural death. Since you have been pleased to characterize 
my anecdote as being in its second childhood, I will give 
you another. During our last war, an officer of the grand 
rounds visited the picket posts one night, when he discov- 
ered that one of the posts was vacant. He called loudly for 
the missing soldier. After a while an answer came from the 
distant woods : 

“* Here I am.’ 

“¢ What are you doing there ?’ 

“¢Pve caught a rebel.’ 

*¢¢ Why don’t you bring him in ?? 

“¢¢ He won’t let me.’ 


“ Just so,” 


continued my handsome aggravator, “the 
license party has caught King Alcohol. Why don’t it bring 
him in? Because, in reality, the king is in command. 
Now, sir, | have come here with these down-trodden sisters to 
argue this question of intemperance in all its length, breadth, 
and thickness. We desire to labor with you until you sign — 
our pledge, and promise that your influence shall be exerted 
in our cause.” 

“ Where is the pledge?” said I. “Let me subscribe.” 

They let me. | 

Then the angel of peace spread her white and beautifal 
wings over our home. | 





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ACROSS THE BOG. 





CHAPTER I. 
AN AMBITION GRATIFTED. 


FTER living in luxury several years, during which I had 
the satisfaction of seeing my children develope into 
boys and girls of excellent promise—for our oldest was now 
geventeen, and Pete, who was kidnapped, and for whom we 
had always kept a large place in our hearts, would be at 
least two years older than the twin—I began to weary of 
easy circumstances, and to yearn for a more active life. 
Augusta, too, when she considered how many awkward 
embarrassments my leisure got me into, seemed willing that 
I should engage in some kind of active business, even 
though it resulted in depriving her of the sweet consolation 
of my constant presence. What a self-sacrificing spirit that 
woman has always had! 
What should I do? 
“ Anything to occupy the mind,” suggested Augusta. 
I realized then that it was not well to have so much mind 
lying around loose. © 
About that time I accidentally heard of an opening fora 
good detective. I had always thought favorably of that 
profession, and believed that naturally I was well fitted 
for it. 
A school-master who had gone from New York, and with 
whom I had been on terms of warmest friendship, had been 
(339) 





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net aw eee wy SAR ROT Si As een 
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340 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


murdered in Swampton, Massachusetts, under such pecu- 
liar circumstances that the perpetrator of the crime had so 
far remained undiscovered and unknown, notwithstanding a ~ 
reward had been offered for his arrest and conviction. 
But, although many persons had been engaged in hunting a 
clue, no approach to success had yet been made. 

I was urged by some of my friends, who also were friends 
of the unfortunate man, to undertake ferreting out the 
mystery. Little urging was required, for I was glad of an 
opportunity to show my loyalty of love toward the dead. 
Besides, I craved just the kind of excitement which such a 
mission would afford. 

My first move was to go to Swampton, and learn what I 
could concerning the family of John Hotchkick, in whose 
house the school-master had been boarding at the time of 
his violent decease. 

I had been told that they had not given a very clear 
description of the “stranger,” who, they said, had come to 
their house at midnight, and committed the awful deed. 

In detective work one must not despise small things. 
They may be straws, but they serve to show the course of 
the current. 

From some of John Hotchkick’s neighbors, especially 
women, I learned many incidents in connection with his 
past life that ordinarily would be regarded as too insignifi- 
cant to merit a moment’s consideration, but which, to my 
mind, were more or less valuable in application to the case 
on which I was at work. 

John Hotchkick and his wife lived in a small way on a 
small farm, in a small town. When we have said John 
Hotchkick and his wife we have included the whole tribe. 

Hotchkick himself was a remnant of a particular family, 










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AN AMBITION GRATIFIED. 341 


of whom heaven and earth had had,enough. Like other 
remnants, he was held at a discount, and it is quite possible 
that in a wholesale transaction Providence might have 
thrown him in, thereby saving the trouble of invoicing him. 

As for Mrs. Hotchkick, there is some evidence of design 
in her creation, for, rixatrix that she was, she seemed to 
have been made on purpose for Hotchkick. 

If it be true that “ misery Joves company,” there was more 
solid love in that match than could be found in a whole 
Mormon city. Cupid’s benevolence is quite apparent, for, 
had the man married some other woman, and had the 
woman married some other man, there would have been 
four persons wretched, instead of two. 

They were physically incapacitated for any such ceremony 
as kissing. 

John’s lips were so thin he could not even whistle to a 
dog. For the same reason, Mrs. John could not sip her tea, 
but was obliged to swallow it whole. So when we think of 
the dog and think of the tea, we are forced to acknowledge 
it was a fortunate circumstance that the Hotchkick tribe 
did not increase. An unkissed child would either die or 
live to curse his existence. 

Seventeen years before my visit to the family, on a certain 
November morning, this narrow-gauged couple locked up - 
their house, and went to Boston to do a little shopping, and 
this is what occurred to them on their way home late at 
night : es) 

“Oh, dear! oh, dear!” exclaimed Mrs. Hotchkick. “Our 
house is all afire! Hurry! We shall lose everything!” 

The man muttered some uncouth reply, and began im- 
mediately to administer a quick succession of blows to his 
horse with the remnant of a birch rod; but the brute, not 


a” 





ge Be SE ok er iputig addle Sia . 5 G 
sent 3 eo OMe meet : poe Sipe gino SSeS 






342 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


being easily excited, utterly failed to realize for some min- 
utes that any extra effort was required. Whipping, with 
him, had become monotonous. If he ever thought on the 
subject, it was to the effect that the laying on of a switch is a 
sort of ceremony as completely inexplicable as many another _ 
which is practiced by the human race. That particular 
portion of his hide which received the blows was so accus- 
tomed to them that it had become about as nerveless as hig 
master’s conscience. | 

“Hit him in a new spot,” cried Mrs. Hotchkick. ‘Quick! 
hurry!” | 

In the excitement of the moment, the man who wielded the 
rod followed the counsel of his wife, and adopted an expe 
dient which took effect. Leaning half his length out of the 
wagon, he struck the horse a cutting blow beneath the flank. 
He would have struck another, but there was no time. The 
horse was evidently hurt in his feelings. He was touched 
to the quick, and quick work he did. 

John Hotchkick escaped uninjured, for the horse, whe 
had little foresight and no hindsight, and consequently shot 
without taking aim, struck completely under the man; which 
was very unfortunate, for the equine brute, as, by missing 
Hotchkick, hurt himself by coming in contact with some- 
thing far less soft. By this time, he seemed to think some- 
body had struck him on his two hoofs, and he determined 
to clear the ground of all opposition. Having demolished 
the dashboard, he operated on a jug of molasses; then with 
his horse-hand he took out from a bandbox Mrs. Hotchkick’s 
new winter bonnet. So much accomplished, he prospected © 
around in the dark, till he felt a tin can, which he proceeded 
to open with his iron shoe. This time he must have succeeded 
beyond his fondest anticipations, for he “struck ile,” as poor 








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AN AMBITION GRATIFIED. 343 


Mrs. Hotchkick very soon realized, being as completely 
soaked with it as though she had been a lampwick. 

“Git up! Git up!” yelled Hotchkick, and all the while 
the beast was “gitting up” just as high as he possibly could. 
After a while he changed ends, and stood on his hind feet 
looking at the stars, as though he would calculate the points 
of compass. Then he made a lurch to one side, and dumped 
the carriage into a ditch, reserving the two forward wheels 
for himself, and took them away with him as he withdrew 
from the scene. 

Hotchkick arose as quickly as he could, and began to 
hallo, “ Whoa! whoa!” but the horse must have understood 
him to say, “Go! go!” for he went. 

Mrs. Hotchkick crawled out from the debris, declared she 
was dead, and began to look after the “things,” seme of | 
which were in the wagon wreck, and others in different 
directions several yards away. : 

“Come! come!” cried Hotchkick, “let’s see what’s the 
matter with the house. Every winder’s ablaze, and we’ve 
lost everything.” : 

The twain started on a trot, forgetting their bruises, but 
were soon out of breath, in spite of their excitement. 

“JT can’t run another step,’ said Hotchkick, “and I don’t 
think the house is afire, any way. Don’t you see it’s jest a 
stiddy light, as though every lamp an’ candle we’ve got was 
a burnin’ ?” 

“What can it be?” exclaimed the panting and fainting 
woman. “Had n’tI better go back and take care of the 
things whileyou goon? I’m that sore I can’t hardly stan’. ” 

“No,” said Hotchkick, “you come with me. I may need . 


your help. P’raps it’s robbers.” 
E a1 - 


«B44 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“OQ John, I can’t, I can’t! I jest b’lieve ev'ry bone in 
my body is broke. Don’t let’s go nigh ’em.” 

“Oome on, I say,’ was the man’s gruff reply; and they 
went on quarreling. 

Reaching the house, they found it extravagantly illumin- 
ated with blazing lamps and candles. 

“Our own candles!” exclaimed Mrs. Hotchkick. 

¢ And our own lamps!” added her husband, with an oath. 

They continued cautiously to explore the house, but found 
nothing startling until the bedroom was reached. | 

“Til be blasted,” cried Hotchkick, scarcely above a whis- ~ 
per, “if here haint a roarin’ fire right here in this ere fire- — 
place, where there never was one afore.” 

‘And what’s this ere thing on the bed?” gasped Mrs. 
Hotehkick. “Oh! oh! oh! It moves. I seen it move.” 

“‘ Hush up, you goose.” : 3 

“O John, don’t touch it, or mebbe it’ll go off.” 

But by this time, John had pulled a little blanket from 
_ the strange object, and there, in all its sweetness and inno- 
cence, was revealed a sleeping child. 


9 


*¢Somebody’s-pesky young one,” croaked the man. . 

“Sure *nough, John. And this ere fire was made to keep 
it warm. It’s what they. call a waif.” 

“Hum! a pretty mess we’re in, with this imp to take 
care on. An’ we shall find something missin’ yet; for who- 
ever left that thing here want one of the sort to go away 
empty-handed. Turn down the lamps, and blow out the 
candles. There’s no use squanderin’ what little we’ve got 
left.” : 

This loud talk had the effect to awake the babe, who now 
‘began to exercise a very vigorous pair of lungs. It was left 


to cry, however, while Mr. and Mrs. Hotchkick continuod to 














; AN AMBITION GRATIFIED. 345 


search the house until they were fully satisfied that nothing 
had been taken away. 3 3 

Mrs. Hotchkick’s bravery began to revive. ‘Come, John,” 
she said, “there aint no time to waste. We must see whar 
the hoss is, then go back after the wagon and the things. 
There is the vinegar an’ the sugar, an’ your hat an’ my bon- 
net, an’ the calico, an’ the molasses, an’ the rum, an’ the 
nutmegs all scattered about, an’ they must be brought home 
this. very night, even if we don’t sleep a wink. Besides, 
we’ve got to decide what’s to be done with this nuisance of 
a young one. It must be got away as soon as possible, for 
it might up an’ die, an’ then we’d have to pay for its 
funeral.” 

“Jt’s a healthy looking boy,” suggested Hotchkick. 

“ Healthy, of course,’ replied the woman. ‘“ Anybody 
can tell that, by the way he screams. But look at here. 
Whiat’s this, tied up in a handkerchief, an’ as heavy as lead? 
Bless my stars, if it aint money! Gold pieces, an’ ten of 
them, as sure’s | live!” 

Hotechkick took each shining eagle in his hand, scrutin- 
ized it carefully, smelt it, tasted it, and then rung it on the 
table until he was fully satisfied that all the coins were gen- 
uine. Then he carefully hid them away in an old bureau 
: drawer, which he locked with a key, and then hid the key in 
another drawer. 

““Whatever becomes of the brat,” said he, “this ere 
money belongs to me; for it was all his fault that we had 
the accident with the hoss, and smashed our best wagon all 
to pieces.” 

“Of course,” replied the wife, “the money is ours; an’ we 
wont say nothin’ to nobody ’bout it. What suppose—but 

here’s somethin’ pinned to its sleeve with writin’ on it.” 





346 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


Although the note was excellently written, it took Hotch- 
kick and his wife a long time, and required the most vigor- 
ous cudgeling of their brains to spell it out. Finally, how- 
ever, they succeeded in reading, as follows: 


‘‘(DEAR FRIENDS: With all the anxious solicitation and heart-rend- 
ing prayer of an unfortunate mother, this precious child is left in your 
possession, to have and to govern as your wisdom shall dictate. 

‘‘As a mother, I part with him reluctantly, and regret that his ille- 
gitimate birth must forever be a burden and disgrace for which he is 
in no wise responsible. His false-hearted father has lately died of 
drunkenness. — : | 

“J leave with you all the money I have in the world, the sum of one — 
hundred dollars, which you will expend in caring for the child as he 
shall need. 

‘< By the time he is old enough to know anything he will be as moth- 
erless as he is now fatherless; for I go my way to the sinful city to 
to spend a few brief months, and there to die, 

“A SORROWFUL WoMAN. 

“P, §.—The boy is named after his father, Pelegon Jinny, ana he 
was two years old the twentieth of last August. As he has inherited a 
naturally vigorous constitution, and will of course never aspire to be 
anything more than a common laborer, he will, undoubtedly, grow te 
be of great service to you.” 


“ Aha!” exclaimed Hotchkick, laying down the paper. 
“T ouess we can’t do better ’n to keep him; for, you see, in 
a few years he will make us a first-rate chore boy, an’ by 
the time he’s twelve or fourteen he can do a man’s work on 
the farm. We must remember we are gcin’ to git old, an’ 
the time may come when he can carry on our place, an’ be a — 
sort o’ son to us. 1 don’t b’lieve we shall have any trouble 
with him, ’cause if he should ever git to be stuck up, we’ve 
only jest to remind him of his birth, an’ that will alwus 
keep him down where he b’longs. Hush him up, wife. 
Don’t you see he is screaming his strength all away? He 





“AN AMBITION GRATIFIED. — 347 


could drive the cows to pastur’ now if his shanks were half 
as strong as his yelps.” : 

Thus it was decided that the ill-fated waif should become 
ene of the family. é 

At midnight the broken wagon and the “things” had all 
been brought home, Mrs. Hotchkick had taken an inventory 
of them a dozen times, the baby had received a drink of fresh 
milk from the “newest” cow, and, as a climax to the day’s 
excitement, there was a great racket in the barn, in which 
one might have: distinguished the sounds of heavy blows, 
prancing hoofs, and profane cursing. It was John Hotch- 
kick most unmercifully beating poor old Bill with the rem- 
nant of a hoe-handle. 3 

In another hour, Hotchkick and his wife slept. 

The weary horse, with aching limbs and quivering flesh, 
did not lie down at all, but stood and suffered, and thought, 
perhaps—of what ? : 

The babe moaned on its pillow, while the rain began pat- 
tering on the roof, as though Heaven wept; and the wind 
was freighted only with suggestions of deep sadness, as it 
eame in fitful gusts against the windows of the room where 
the child half slept, half feared, and half wished, perhaps, it 
had never been born. 

Meanwhile, in another house, not far away, a clergyman 
was vainly courting “tired Nature’s sweet restorer.” Had 
his thoughts found utterance, his invalid wife would have 
been surprised to hear him say, “I hope they will keep the 
child. It was my advice that gave them the money, and 
after this they must pay more pew rent.” 


Sl Be oo A or te nS a ES a I on? eae Pe Pees, PE ON Set BF ys SI a ate ee wri <’ 
Sr eee Eh ree cae serie est RS aT Gen bas SANT oh Se kD 5 aS Gt Oa har Se eee 


CHAPTER II. 
I DO SOME GOOD. 


O Pelegon Jinny was nearly out of his teens at the time 
I visited John Hotchkick and wife, asking them if 
they would take me to board for a while. 

As they were greedy for the money I offered, I had no 
difficulty in effecting the arrangement. 

I soon discovered that I had not been misinformed as to 
the character of my host and hostess. They were possessed 
of all that meanness of nature which is the natural result of 
having inherited from several generations the habitual prac- 
tice of rigid economy. However much moral or political 
reformers may deplore extravagance, the fact remains, that 
constantly studied economy is a virtue only when a neces- 
sity, while the necessity itself, if long continued, is an 
unmitigated curse. | 

During the winter in my strange boarding-place, Pelegon 
was my most congenial companion, for I found him endowed 
with excellent qualities of mind and heart. There was 
about him, however, a painful lack of development, which 
was quite to be expected, considering the tyrannical bring- 
ing up to which he had been subjected during the most of. 
his years. First from sympathy and pity, then from a high 
sense of appreciation, I grew to love him almost as I would 
if he had been my own boy. : 

(348) 








I DO SOME GOOD. 349 


An incident will best illustrate the respective characters 
of ail the parties concerned. 

Spring had come—so the almanac said—and the ice in 
Concord river had just started seaward, when, one day, 
Hotchkick and Pelegon went to the banks of the river to 
gather fire-wood. 

A large tree had succumbed to a recent storm, and now 
lay sprawling in the water. Hotchkick looked longingly 
upon it, and at last resolved to walk out as far as he could 
among the branches, and cut them off. For a time he was 
quite successful in his undertaking, and had secured at least 
half a cord of wood, when his foot slipped, and he fell off 
into deep water. As he had never possessed sufficient 
enterprise to acquire the art of swimming, he found himself 
contending against an element with whose friendly acquain- 
tance he had never honored himself. 

Instinctively, he caught at a limb of the tree; but as it 
was one he had just cut off, the next instant both he and 
the limb were wildly afloat. Then he.let go of the branch 
and tried to strike bottom with his feet, thinking he could 
hold his breath and walk to the shore under water. Unluck- 
ily, this was a feat which his feet refused to perform, and he 
immediately changed about and threw his toes into the air, 
as though they could do his breathing. ; 

Not being able to walk on his head, he resorted to another 
experiment. Squirming around, he threw up his hands and 
tried to take hold of something above him; but as the near- 
est object in that direction was the sky, he was not likely to 
reach it until after giving his last kick. 

Just at this instant Pelegon, who had heard the splash 
while engaged in felling a tree some distance away, left his 
work, threw off his coat and boots, and plunged into the icy 


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wile 





350 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


water. A moment after, he seized the drowning man by the 
hair, and drew him ashore. ce 

‘It was some time before Hotchkick, half dead with fright 
and cold, was able to speak; but no sooner had he recovered 
his voice than he began to curse the boy for not having 
pulled him out with less delay, and especially for stopping 
to take off his coat and boots before jumping into the water. ~ 

Pelegon tried to explain that, as he was only a poor swim- 
mer, he could not have made headway with so many clothes 
on; but the enraged man would not listen to reason, and, at 
this moment happening to discover that he was bare-headed, 
his wrath broke out afresh. 

“Where is my hat?” he demanded of Pelegon. “You 
stupid! there it is, way out in the water, floating down the 
river. Jumpin an’ git it! Jump in, I say, this instant!” 

Pelegon, having always been ruled in this tyrannical 
manner, had no disposition to ‘disobey. So, without wait- 
ing either to plead or object, he plunged into the water, and 
struck out bravely toward the hat, which. by this time, had 
been carried by the wind a considerable distance from the — 
shore. His limbs soon began to grow numb, so cold was 
the water, while the garments he had on retarded his move- 
ments and weighed him heavily down. However, he secured 
the hat, and was on his way shoreward, almost overpowered 
with chill and fatigue, when his legs were suddenly seized 
with cramp, and he could make no further progress. For 
a moment he struggled with his arms, and then sank below | 
the surface. His lungs craved air, but,in the effort to 
obtain it, they received nothing but water; and, in trying 
to cough this out, he again attempted to inhale, and thus his 
body became filled with the cold and heavy fluid. In a 
short space of time, he passed through all the agonies of ~ 





Reese 


I DO SOME GOOD. 351 


death into that condition of perfect calm just preceding the 
complete separation of body and soul. 


Hotchkick, little affected save by his own discomfort, 
turned toward home, grumbling as he went: 
“Well, that’s the last of him, an’ my hat’s gone, an’ he 
haint never paid for his bringin’ up.” 
“What’s the trouble?” I demanded, just issuing from a 
clump of elders which fringed a portion of the bank, for I 


had fortuitously’selected that neighborhood for a ramble. 


“T am nearly dead,” muttered Hotchkick, ‘‘an’ Pelegon’s 


~ drowned.’ 


When?” 

“Only a moment ago.” 

“Where?” I demanded. 

Hotchkick pointed in the direction in which the boy had 
been last seen. 

I was almost overwhelmed with agony. Having never 
learned to swim, it was useless for me to think of trying it 
now. 4. looked anxiously in every direction. Not a soul 
was in sight. Only two houses. One was Hotchkick’s. 
No help there. The other belonged to an Irish widow with 
two children. No help there. I wrung my hands and 
shouted. My voice came back all dead and lay itself down . 
with my dying hope. Then I started and ran along the 
river-side, determined to continue till somebody could be 
found. Beholding a little skiff high and dry on the bank, 
my hope revived. I seized the boat, and began dragging it 
toward the water. It went the length of an iron chain and 
then stopped, being locked toatree. Besides, the oars had 


been taken away. Hope died. There was an open tin can 
in the boat, and in this was a strong line and a large fish- 


hook, used for catching pickerel. 





352 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“A pole!” cried 1. In another instant I had found one, 
and began tying the line to it, while I almost flew along the 
shore, till I reached the place opposite where Pelegon had 
gone down. Then I waded into the river waist deep, and 
throwing the line, with hook and weight attached, could 
scarcely give it time to sink before drawing it rapidly toward 
me, only to be disappointed. A little further down stream 
I threw the line again. No success. 

Still further downward. In vain. 

Yet further down the current. The hook caught some- 
thing. I pulled with all possible steadiness and swiftness. 

My purpose was accomplished. The hook, being well 
secured in the boy’s clothing, 1 was enabled.to draw him 
from the water. 

If appearances were trustworthy, Pelegon was dead. 
-Hotchkick declared that. “it aint. nothin’ but folly to try to 
save him.” I feared the worst, but was determined to leave 
nothing untried, for I was not ignorant of what should be done 
in such cases. After taking off my coat and throwing it over 
the cold form of my cherished young friend, I seized the body 
and hurriedly carried it, face downward, with the head gently 
raised, to a hovel close by. _ 

The woman who lived 'there was so frightened that all her 
wits went wool-gathering, and for the first minute she could 
do nothing but hold up her hands in horror and try to keep 
from fainting. Meanwhile Hotchkick dispatched her two 
children to tell Mrs. Hotchkick to come over right away and 
help take care of—Aimself, for he was wet and cold. 

I suffered not a second to be wasted, but immediately 
stripped the body of my unconscious charge, and wrapped it 
in several sheets, which I kept constantly saturated with hot 
- water. Not until the blood was thus heated did I endeavor 





I DO SOME GOOD. 353 


by friction to reéstablish circulation. At the proper mo- 
ment, I began vigorously rubbing toward the heart, in order 
_ that it might be supplied with venous blood. Meanwhile, I 

rolled the body gently from face to side, to and fro, hoping 
thereby to set the respiratory organs in motion. 

Still no sign of life. Still I persisted. Now it was bot- 
tles of hot water applied to the extremities, arm-pits, and 
spine, and now a gentle lifting forward of the body, with 
the face still downward. Everything appeared hopeless, 
when Mrs. Hotchkick suddenly rushed into the room. ‘ Give 
him to me!” she exclaimed boisterously. “If anybody can 
bring him to, I can. I. know all about it. Stand back, 
here! Stand back!” 

This seemed to give the other woman courage, and she, 
too, cried out, “Stand back!” And then, happening to 
think of something she had once heard her Dublin grand- 
mother say about salt, she continued, “Och, Missus Hotch- 
keeck, what ye want is coorse salt. “Rub the body wid it as 
hard as iver ye con. Here, take the salt, quick!” 

“No, I won’t have-the salt,’ replied Mrs. Hotchkick, in 
piercing tones. ‘“ He must be rolled on a bar’l. A pretty 
set you all be, that you haint got a bar’l afore this. Hurry, 
now, and bring a bar’l right away.” 

The two small children were instantly sent to the barn to 
fetch the barrel. When it came, Mrs. Hotchkick placed it 
in the middle of the floor, then went to the feet of the pros- 
_ trate form, and ordered me to take hold of the head. 

“Stand away!” I exclaimed. “I have charge of this 
case myself,and you must obey my orders. Bring the hand- 
bellows. Hurry!” 

“ Did he say salt ?”’ asked the mistress of the house. 

The bellows were soon brought, when I put the pipe into 


304 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


one of the patient’s nostrils, carefully closing the other and 
_the mouth, and then blew the bellows lightly in order to 
inflate the lungs. As soon as the breast was raised a little, 
I set the nostrils and mouth free, and pressed gently on the 
chest. This process was several times repeated, during 
which one woman talked incessantly of the virtue of ‘ coorse 
salt, by the howly saints,’ while the other told of a 
“drownded man I once hearn tell on that was saved by 
rollin’ on a bar’l.” 

All the while, John Hotchkick stood by and did nothing 
but grumble about the “tarnation tom-foolery of tryin’ to 
bring a boy to life what’s already dead’s a door-nail, while 
I can’t have even a dry shirt.” 

Finally the chest of Pelegon slightly heaved of its own 
accord; his lips moved, and his eyes partially opened. 

Everybody was surprised. But I still continued to work 
over the prostrate form. : 

“ T should think somebody might do somethin’ fur me Fok 





exclaimed John Hotchkick. ‘‘ Haint 1 ben in the water as — 


well’s that boy? And haint I caught my death’s cold? 
Pelegon,” he continued, turning abruptly toward the patient, 
who, at this instant, was enduring that terrible torture 


te 


which only those who have been thus rescued from the - 


ereedy grasp of death can realize. “Pelegon, I say, if 
you’d had sense enough to’ve got my hat when you got me, 
you ’d saved us this fuss.” 

This remark was a hot coal which set on fire my whole 
nature. For the first time in my life, I was absolutely and 
irrepressibly filled with wrath. It is not a pleasant thing te 
record, but the painful truth must be told. Then and there 


I lost control of my will, and gave myself up to a passion of © 


which no one would have supposed me capable. _ 


F's. WE ee bat ter ER Tl ca 





> NF ce wear? (3! ao way 
sci ea Ae pt 





I DO SOME GOOD. 355 


~* Hotchkick,” cried I, “you are the meanest man in the 
world!” 

“Tl knock that insult down your throat,’ retorted Hotch- 
kick, emphasizing the threat with a horrid oath, and at the 
same time raising his fist to strike me. 

- My indignation could not wait. I gave John Hotchkick a 
stinging blow on the right ear, and another on the left— I 
knocked him square in the face, hit him between the eyes, 
on the nose, and under the chin. 

The more thumps I administered, the more spiteful I 
became; and all the black and blue spots which covered his 
body were beginning to merge into one spot, although even 
that could not well be seen, so fast did he spin around and 
pirouette about, at one moment ricocheting on the sharp 
angle of a table, and at the next bringing up against the 
hot stove. There was, indeed, real danger of my killing 
the man outright; but, happily, the fates ordered otherwise. 

-Pelegon watched the tragic performance with considera- 
ble interest, and finally looked at me pleadingly, and, in a 
slow, weak voice, said: 

“Don’t, don’t! He won’t catch cold now.” 

It was an exciting time. Both of the women were 
screaming at the top of their voices, the one having forgotten 
“ goorse salt, by the howly saints,’ and the other that there 
“haint nothin’ like rollin’ on a bar’l.” 

At last, the whipped man began to beg for mercy like a 
child. 

I cannot justify myself in this exercise of corporal punish- 
ment. Still, 


‘¢ Diseases desperate grown, 
By desperate appliances are relieved, 
Or not at all.” 





356 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


All things have an end. So did the scourging of Hotch- 
kick. , : 

Shortly after, I had Pelegon removed to Mr. Wordswell’s, 
where I engaged a pleasant suite of rooms for both of us. 

Mr. Wordswell and his wife were the wealthiest, most 
cultured, as well as the most lovable persons with whom I 
was acquainted in that neighborhood. : 

Their only child, Ozelia, a beautiful girl of eighteen sum- 
mers, was now at home on a few weeks’ vacation, she being 
a member of a young ladies’ boarding-school near Boston. — 

She and Pelegon had grown to be fast friends. They 
had been together in all their studies while both attended 
the Swampton school, and had come to experience a delight 
in each other’s company which neither could find elsewhere. 
And now she faithfully administered to the poor boy during 
his sickness ! 

As for myself, I found the change of boarding-place very 
agreeable. I had no occasion to remain longer at the Hotch- 
kicks’, having learned all that I could from them in refer- 
ence to the school-master. ; 

One thing I had noticed from the first: their reticence 
when that painful subject was broached. As they were not 
possessed of any tender sentiment, I was left to form the 
‘most reasonable conclusion I could as to the true cause of 
their refusing to be drawn into conversation in relation to 
the crime. 

Two other facts had considerable weight in my mind: 
first, the victim to the terrible deed had never had any ene- 
mies, so far as could be ascertained; second, he had no 

money or other valuables, that could furnish temptation to a 
felon. 





GOH AP TE ROLE, 
} A SCHEME. 


S soon.as Pelegon was able to sit up, John Hotchkick 
came to take him home. The old fox must have 
watched his opportunity, for he came just after I had left 
the house with Mr. and Mrs. Wordswell. The servant was 
also out; so the only inmates were Ozelia and her patient. 
Had I mistrusted that such a danger was probable, I 
would as soon have thought of sacrificing a right arm as 
of leaving my two young friends to the mercy of the vio- 
lent-tempered reprobate. 

Auspiciously, they saw him approaching, and were in 
time to fasten the door. 

Without stopping to knock, he attempted to enter. Baf- 
fled at the front, he hastened around the house, hoping to 
be successful there. Ozelia, however, was too quick for 
him, and again his way was barred. But being endowed 
with brutal persistency, knowing he had no immediate foe 
to fear, with feline slyness he crawled down an outer stair- 
way into the cellar. Thence he had no difficulty in finding 
his way through the kitchen into that part of the house 
occupied by the frightened girl and convalescent boy. 

“Git on your hat, an’ come along with me, this instant!” 
he demanded of Pelegon, in cruel tones. 

“Oh, he cannot!” pleaded Ozelia. ‘“ Please do not take 
| (357) 


at eyes go he ee Lae, . 2 le) pe En ae so Oe, eae RA Mi Sr a ee, Se 
me yee rapt tae rt Re 5 woe mie Saye, oy bas aieay ees Sees oie 
. =e c : ‘at i: vit Oe REI, TAA. eee 


358 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


him. He is scarcely able to stand, and has not eaten any- 
thing since the accident except the lightest nourishment.” 

“ What you got to say ’bout him?” ejaculated the uncouth 
farmer. ‘ He’s my boy 





19 


bringin’ up. . Git out o’ my way! 

“T shall not get out of your way,” answered Ozelia, her 
whole spirit roused. ‘You will not take Pelegon from this: 
house without taking me also.” 

“Look er here, gal, youll git hurt, if you interfere with 
me. I’m after my rights, an’ I'll have them, no matter 
what happens.” 

Saying which, he seized Pelegon by the arm, and began 
dragging him toward the door. 3 

In an instant, Ozelia was endowed with all the heroism of 
fully developed womanhood. 

To hold Pelegon with one hand and keep off the infuriated 
girl with the other gave Hotchkick all he could attend to. 
A lively scuffle ensued. Brute force, however, was too 
much, even for the best that could be done by the young 
people, and, inch by inch, they were drawn toward the 
cellar stairs; for Hotchkick wisely concluded that he had 
better go out the way he came in, thus avoiding bolted 
doors. 

On the stairway occurred the chief tug of conflict, and a 
very dangerous place it was, for a fall to the cellar-bottom 
might have crippled a person for life. Undoubtedly, it was 
Ozelia’s intention to hold Pelegon back and push Hotchkick 
forward. So nearly was she successful in this that the 
farmer was just on the point of falling backward, when he 
loosened his hold on the boy, and reached up to take hold of 
something. 5 


Now it happened that overhead was a wire that Mr. 





leastways, ontil he’s paid fur his — oh 


i 
: 





4 


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4 


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y 
H 
i 


\\ 
Hy) 


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HI 
lI 


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JOHN HOTCHKICK TIED FAST TO A POST. 





ME ae Re en ne oe Se GP 


ORE, 3 ee ey > a 
“x Dol x r nT e 


A SCHEME. 361 


Wordswell used in experimenting with electric lights, and it 
was carrying a strong current. No sooner had John Hotch- 
kick taken hold of it than it took hold of him. Almost lit- 
erally, he was struck by lightning; but, not knowing what 
was the matter, he erasped the wire with increased firmness, 
until his hand was so completely paralyzed that he was 
powerless to remove it. This frightened him to the extent 
ef utterly unstringing his nerves, and leaving him as weak 
as an infant. 

Ozelia soon observed the peril he was in; but not until. 
she had bound his feet together with a rope, and tied his 
dangling arm to his side, did she sever the electric wire 
with a hatchet, and let the poor man slide down stairs, at 
the imminent risk of ruining his clothes. 

She and Pelegon then bound his other arm, and tied be 
to a post, so that, in case the paralysis should leave him, he 
would still be harmless. 

When Mr. and Mrs. Wordswell and I returned from our 
neighboring visit, and saw the condition which the house 
was in, we were astonished. All the way from the sick 
chamber to the cellar-door in the kitchen there were pieces 
of broken furniture, extracted. door-knobs, torn carpets, and 
confusion worse confounded. 

Mrs. Wordswell turned white, threw up her hands, then 
sat down on a three-legged chair—a part of the common 
ruin—and tumbled to the floor. 

Mr. Wordswell remarked, when he had succeeded in prop- - 
erly adjusting his wife: 

“ Well, well! This house must have been struck by a 
cyclone!” 

“There has been a mad bull in here,” I ventured to sug: 


gest.” ‘ 
22 


362 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“Yes,” said Ozelia; “‘and if you will come down cellar, 
you shall see where we have tied him.” 

I followed at her heels, and Mr. Wordswell followed at 
mine, while his wife and Pelegon brought up the rear. 

I had reason to beheve I had already met with some sur- 
prises in my hfe, but when I saw John Hotchkick, bound 
hand and foot and tied to a post, all other surprises were 
eclipsed. 

“Somebody will suffer for this afore ?’m through with 
*om!” he groaned. : 


> remarked Ozelia, “so 


“You will not be very dangerous, 
‘ long as a sick boy and a mere school-girl can throw you 
down cellar, and tie you up in a bundle.” 

“Did you de this?’’? demanded Mr. Wordswell, foacing 
first at Pelegon, then at his daughter. 

“ Hivery bit of it,” answered Ozelia. ‘“‘ He came up through 
the cellar by stealth, and undertook to carry off my patient 
by bluster and force. By taking a good look at him, you 
can see just how far he has got toward accomplishing his ~ 
purpose.” 3 

How I envied that noble girl! -Her father drew her to 
his breast, and fervently kissed her. I envied him, too. 

After we had compelled Hotchkick to take an oath to 
keep the peace, and never again to molest Pelegon, we 
allowed him to betake himself to his own habitation, where 
he could give such account of himself to his better, or worse, 
half, as his unscrupulous conscience would allow. 

It was not long before Mr. Wordswell and his wife eeu 
to observe that the two children, as they called their daugh- 
ter and Pelegon, were exhibiting much more than ordinary 
fondness for each other. 

“We must not allow them to be together so much,” said 3 








A SCHEME. 3638 


Mr. Wordswell, “and I shall take it upon myself to see that 
Ozelia is cautioned.” 

This parental interference had the natural effect of devel- 
oping in the two young persons that quality of love which 
most thrives when most opposed, until it becomes more 
unconquerable than any other trait in human nature. 
The dormant ‘virtue of souls is never fully aroused until 
Shall and Shall Not meet face to face, and fight like gods. 

I saw into the hearts of my young friends, but I com- 
muned only with myself in regard to the subject. Just now 
I was greatly interested in another matter. 

It might have been a month after Pelegon’s escape from 
a watery grave when he and I were conversing together in 
the library, recalling the thrilling incidents of the rescue 


] 


“J want to tell you,’ said he, “something that appears 
very strange. While I was in the river, I had a great many 
curious thoughts and sensations. In about a minute I 
remembered everything I had ever seen, heard, or done.” 

“ What was the first event of your life which you brought 
to mind ?” I asked. 

“That is the very thing I want to tell you about,” 
answered Pelegon, “for it is a queer circumstance. I 
remembered just as plainly as could be how I was on a bed, 
and saw aman put wood on a hearth and build a fire. I 
remembered how afraid I was, and how I cried out, and 
he immediately forced something into my mouth, and made 
me swallow it.” : 

“Did you recall how the man looked ?” 

“Yes, he came before my mind just as natural as life. 
He was a short, thick-set man, dark-complexioned, with 
snarly black hair and whiskers.” 

“Who do you suppose he could have been ?” inquired I. 


864 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“Tam almost certain he was the man who first brought 
me to father Hotchkick’s.” ! 


“The man. I have been told it was a woman—your 


mother.” 

“Yes; so everybody says, but nobody saw her. I have 
tried to remember back to that night a thousand times, and 
occasionally have had just a second’s faint recollection of 
seeing a man stand over me, and of watching him through 


my tears as he built the fire in the fire-place. Then when I 


would try to fix the incidents more clearly in my mind they 
would all melt away.” 

“ Have you never met the man since the time you lay on 
the bed and saw him build the fire?” I asked. 

‘“‘No; J am sure I have not.” 

= Could not somebody have built a fire in your bedroom 
when you were older, and isn’t that what you recollect ?” 

‘“‘No; for since that time I have never been where there 
was a bed and a fire in the same room.’ 

*“ Do you think you should know that strange man if you 
were to see him again ?” 

“ Yes: I am certain of it.” — 

“He must have made a deep impression on your “childish 
mind, and it only needed that unfolding of the mental 
record which generally precedes the flight of a soul, to bring 
his features again before you. Perhaps something of great 
importance will grow out of this. In fact, your experience 
in nearly drowning may be one of the mysterious ways in 
which Providence is moving for the accomplishment of a 
purpose. By the by,” 1 continued, “‘I have often wished I 
could see that note which, as I have been told, was pinned 


to your dress when you were left at Hotchkick’s. Is it still 


in existence ?” 


f 








CHAPTER LV. 


MICE IN THE PLOT. 


“7 T was a cloudy, moonless night when Pelegon carefully 
q raised a back window, through which he passed into 
‘the kitchen of the Hotchkick house, while I waited outside. 

Slowly and stealthily the boy felt his way, till-_he came to 

the sitting-room, off which opened the bedroom usually occu- 

pied by the farmer and his wife. 

Now, although the bedroom door was wide open, Pelegon 

remained quiet some moments before he could detect the 
~faintest sound. Then somebody turned over in bed; then 
‘Mother Hotchkick was seized with a cough, after which she 
muttered something the boy could not understand; and 
next there was a jarring of the floor, and somebody was out 
of bed striking a match to light the candle. 

Pelegon, all a tremble, stooped down and crawled under a 
table, which, fortunately, was covered with a cloth large 
enough to entirely conceal him. He was none too quick, for 
scarcely had he thus secreted himself when Mrs. Hotchkick 
came out into the sitting-room, bringing the candle in her 
hand. Setting it on the table, she glanced at the old eight- 
day clock, which stood in the corner of the room, and 
remarked, almost in a whisper, “Nearly ‘leven, an’ he aint 
here yet.” Then she went to the window, raised the sash, 


and looked out. 
(866) 





ee em RT elt og eT TD Rt BE en, ar 
‘ou eo a ee SOA a lacie oa ay ee mys 
ey a ays 4iqo te ae 4 See 
oh ie hae aaa Wes 74 : : 
fey a ke ‘ { “ 
4 ‘ ts i 7 


Sieh > 
MICE IN THE PLOT. 367 


“ Dark’s a pocket!” she exclaimed. ‘“P’raps somethin’s 
happened to him. I’m afeared—no, thar’s the wheels on 
the bridge, he’ll come in a few minutes, so [ll jest set here 
an’ wait for him.” 

Thus soliloquizing, she sat down in a chair, placed her 
elbow on the table, and leaned her head on her hand. 

Pelegon felt shghtly uncomfortable; but, nevertheless, 
the idea flashed across his mind what a good joke it would 
be to yelp like a dog, seize the old woman by her bare feet, 
then jump and run, leaving her half scared to death. Yet, 
fascinating as it was, this temptation would have been 
resisted, had not Mrs. Hotchkick suddenly stretched out her 
foot, bringing it in contact with Pelegon’s knee. He knew 
that her next move would be to look under the table to see 
what she had hit; so he resolved to put his plan into execu- 
tion without delay. 

Mrs. Hotchkick had always felt an insane aversion toward 
dogs, being thrown into a fit of mortal terror whenever one 
came into her presence. Now, when she heard a savage 
growl, followed by the violent and painful seizure of her 
toes—which with many corns were afflicted—she set up 
‘such a night-rending screech, that might have alarmed a 
whole neighborhood. 

For my part, 1 thought bedlam had broken loose, and, 
while wondering what it all meant, a figure dressed in white 
came flying around the corner of the house with such aston- 
ishing velocity that I had no time to get out of the way 
before being knocked into a promiscuous heap, while, a little 
distance off, lay another mass of confusion made up of a 
ghostly form, which had been seriously telescoped in the 
collision. : 

To cut the matter short, here was the prostrate form of 


4 





368 MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


Mrs. Hotchkick, who, either from fright or concussion of 
the brain, was now quite unconscious. 

Although I myself felt the need of being hauled up for 
repairs, | could not think of leaving this insensible womam 


without endeavoring to revive her. With Pelegon’s assist-— 


ance, | was just meeting with success when Mr. Hotchkick 
dtove up in front of the house, and began calling on his 


wife to come out and unhitch the horse, saying that he was” 
sick, which was quite likely, as it was his custom, when 


away from home during meal time, to go without eating, 


and to use the money thus saved in paying for grog. Judg- 


ing from the thickness of his voice on this occasion, he must 
have deprived himself of both dinner and supper. 

Not getting any response to his repeated calls, his hot 
temper rose, and he applied names to his wife, which, for- 
tunately for her peace of mind, she was not in condition to 
comprehend. Such was the efficacy of my medical skill, 
however, that it was not long before my patient became cog- 
nizant of her husband’s dulcet tones, and succeeded in mak- 
ing herself heard in reply to him. 

Pelegon and I hastily glided into a clump of bushes, where 
we awaited developments. 


Kre long, the old farmer staggered around the house; but. 
“when he saw how strangely his wife looked and acted, he 


was nonplussed. 
“Whar d’ ye git yer liquor?” he demanded, as the poor 


woman, in trying to stand on her feet, fell over from sheer - 


weakness. 

“A creat dog tared me all to pieces,’ gasped Mrs. 
Hotchkick. 

“ Wal, I guess thar’s ‘nut uv yer left, sich as it is, to 
onhitch the hoss—come along!” said the unfeeling man, 








MICE IN THE PLOT. 369 


‘Lead me!” pleaded the woman. 
“Yes, Pll lead yer,” he answered, taking hold of her arm. 


> “Git up, now! You’re drunk as a fool; that’s what’s the 


matter. Come along! Stop saggin’ down so!” — 

Neither of them could walk straight, and it was difficult 
to decide which stood most in need of assistance. 

They grazed against every tree, and fell over every stone, 
until finally John got himself somewhat cooled off by acci- 
dentally taking a seat in a tub full of rain-water. 

By this time Mrs. Hotchkick had so far regained her 
_ strength as to be able to render the necessary aid in releas- 
ing her lord and master from his sorry predicament. 

Coming to the place where the horse had been left, he 
was not to be found. Huving gone unfed since morning, 
the natural instinct of hunger made the beast impatient to 
be taken from the wagon, and prompted him, at last, to ge 
in search of his owner, or, more likely, his stable. Owing, 
however, to one of the lines being fastened tighter than the 
other, which drew on the bit, the animal, having started, 
was guided into a near-by open field, in which was a deep 
well covered with decaying boards. Upon these the horse 
stepped ; but his weight caused them to give way the instant 
his fore feet came upon the weakened covering. There was 
a deafening crash, as the wagon went to pieces in trying to 
follow the horse, succeeded by a subdued splash —then all 
was quiet as the grave. 

When Mrs. Hotchkick had sufficiently recovered her 
senses to bring a lighted lantern from the house, she and 
her husband proceeded to ascertain the amount of damage 
done. A broken up wagon was all that could be found 
until, lowering the lantern by a clothes-line into. the well, 
the short stub of a tail was revealed, standing proudly erect 





- 370 ' MY WIFR’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


in the midst of the dark waters. That was the end of a 
long-suffering horse. Eee 

Hotchkick, nursing his anger, went into the house and 
went to bed. It had been an unlucky day with him, for, as 
I afterwards learned, he had been to Boston to secure the 
aid of a lawyer in bringing a suit for damages against me, 
but had met with no encouragement. 

“ How about that paper which we came here to obtain?” 
said I to Pelegon, when we were once more by ourselves. 

“Oh! I have it,’ he answered. ‘I took the little bureau 
drawer and all there was in it—for I had no time to make 
selections — while Marm Hotchkick was bounding out of 
_ the house, thinking there was a mad dog at her heels.” 

We repaired to the wood-shed, lighted a torch, and made 
ready to examine the note which referred to Pelegon. 

“| fear,’ said I, after a moment’s reflection, “‘ we are 
engaged in bad business; for if this paper is really import- 
ant in the matter of discovering the crime which has robbed 
you of birthright, you will be suspected of taking it. Then 
Mrs. Hotchkick’s fright and the death of the horse will be 
charged to you also. 

“Certainly,” responded Pelegon.. “I will take the papers” 
right back and put them where I found them.” . 

“Hold the torch while I read the note about you,” I said. 

Pelegon did so, and I carefully read the document. 

“Yes,” I remarked, after having folded it, “the hand- 
writing is that of a woman, but it is not that of a mother. 
There is no heart in it.” 

“Let us burn it in the torch,” pleaded the boy. 

“No,” I replied; ‘‘I will keep it in my possession, hoping 
that in some way it will be the means of discovering guilt 
and rewarding innocence.” } 





MICE IN THE PLOT. aves 


“ But won’t I be suspicioned?” asked Pelegon, whose 
imagination was again tortured by the vision of wrathful 
Hotchkick. 

Again I remained silent, wholly absorbed in thought. 

When at last I spoke, it was only to say: “Hear those 
mice! I wish we could catch one.” : 

“T know where they have a nest,” answered the boy. “I 
fixed a place for them, myself, and I used to keep them for 
_ pets, and thought a good deal of them, too.” 

‘Let me look at the nest,” said I. 

Pelegon climbed upon the wood, reached over behind a 
beam, took out a little box, and removed the cover. 

“Oh, look!” he exclaimed. “Here are young ones. 
Little bits of things no bigger than a bumble-bee, and not a 
hair on them!” 

“Good!” said I. “They are just what I want,” and 
taking a knife, I proceeded to cut a small hole in the corner 
of the back end of the drawer. I then used the sharp point 
of the blade for denting the surface around the aperture 
until it had every appearance of being the workmanship of a 
mouse. — 

This done, I tore some of the papers which had been 
found in the drawer into very small fragments, of which, I 
soon had enough to build a nest which any little rodent 
would have been proud to own. Then I carefully placed 
the five baby mice in their new bed, laid them away in the 
bottom of the drawer, and bade Pelegon return it to its 
proper place in the bureau. 

Next day, what Hotchkick told his wife was that “the 
pesky, blarsted mice had got into the bureau and made a 
terrible muss with his papers, while the note about Pelegon 
was teetotally chawed up.” 





CHAPTER V. 
: IN JAIL. aes: ae 


M*™ CRUDELL was called a Christian. She was 
considered such by her towns-people, who judged - 
her entirely by her public acts‘and professions, never having 


much opportunity to observe her in and about her home and 
household. She had been baptized, taken into the Swamp- — Be, 


ton church, elected to offices in the various societies and 





undertakings of the church of which she was a member, and 


was regarded as quite a shining light in the denominational = == 
firmament. . é : 
Although Mrs. Crudell was always exceedingly amiable - “ 
while engaged in official duties in the presence of her sisters, oe. zi 
she nevertheless suffered from the confirmed habit of losing < 
“her temper when annoyed by the homely affairs of domestic- 2 S 
life - 
Christians as well as philosophers have their inconsisten- a 


cies. I believe I have a few myself. Theoretically hold ae 





that God rules the universe in every particular, and that 


through infinite love he will eventually right all wrongs, 
fully and freely compensating every person who may have : 
suffered temporary injustice. This theory, however, does — aM 
not in the least prevent my soul from becoming hot with % 
indignation whenever I see dumb animals or innocent chil- . Ec 
dren abused. It is painful to record, although truth compels fa : a 
Foi 
: Ch) aan 

Bi Ac 

ie 





ie 
we 
> 
= 
a 
ee 
b 
ra 
> 


IN JAIL. ole 


the acknowledgment, that Iam liable, on occasion, to undergo _ 
what might be termed wrathful insanity, as, for instance, 
when I almost succeeded in making a poor quality of jelly 
of John Hotchkick, on the memorable occasion when Pelegon 
was nearly drowned in the Concord River. 

One day Mrs. Crudell was dreadfully cross. The explana- 
tion is this: On the previous evening she had delivered an 
earnest religious address. Every one who heard it believed 
that her words were made eloquent with the spirit of Chris- 


tian love. She zealously exhorted her brothers and sisters 


to live lives of gentleness and affection, etc., etc. 
Those who have never thrown their whole soul into a pub- 


lic address, do not realize the after consequences. What 


‘does such an expenditure involve but that the very energy 


and vitality of the speaker are perilously reduced. Thus 
one may vehemently urge the multitude to resist temptation, 
while he himself, by that very appeal, is exhausting the very 
power which he himself will next day need in order to follow 
his own advice. 

So it came to pass that Mrs. Crudell arose on the morning 
following her rhetorical effort, feeling quite nervous, and 
consequently irritable. Finding the cat at the foot of her 
bed,—an occurrence quite contrary to the rules which she 


had made for the government of cats,—she seized the luck- 


less animal by that long and sensitive portion of its anatomy 
which is always the last thing we see when a cat turns a 
corner, and attempted to throw Miss Tabby violently against 
the floor. 

But somehow a cat is wonderfully active. This one in 
particular, although taken up when soundly asleep, and has- 
tily discharged from a most effective slinging-machine, found 
plenty of time before parting with her mistress to awake, 


314 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 





stretch every nerve, turn a grand somersault, and drive her 
claws into Mrs. Crudell’s bare arm. 

The exasperated woman now uttered a cry, in which some 
slang words might have been detected. She hated slang, 
and the fact that she had allowed herself to use it served 
only to increase her anger, and when she saw the cat still 
sitting on the bed, audaciously looking at her, her rage 
became towering as she pronounced the same judgment on 
the animal that, through all past ages, has been sacredly 
reserved for infidels. | 

The cat seized the first opportunity to leave the house, 
and was possessed of too much feline sense to return for her 
breakfast. 3 
_ Mrs. Crudell’s little boy, three years of age, was less for- 
tunate. He cried because the cat had gone, and was sternly 
told to “shut up.” Then he cried the louder, and his mother 
struck him for disobedience. More crying and more striking 
followed, till the little fellow was almost strangled trying to 
suppress the sobs which Nature had provided for his relief, 
but which were exceedingly objectionable to the woman with 
unstrung nerves. At breakfast the moaning child could eat 
nothing, for his veins were full of rushing fever. This of 
itself made him fretful, and the mother’s patience was so 
completely exhausted that. matters grew worse instead of 
better. 

When, at last, this trembling victim of maternal wrath 
sought safety by crawling out at the door, and was so luck- 
less as to fall into the dirt, he was immediately seized by 
the hair, cuffed sharply on the ear, and dragged over the 
door-sill, without regard to consequences. His screams were 
now so piercing that Mrs. Crudell forcibly held her hand — 
over his little mouth, creating at once an agony anda danger, 





IN JAIL. 315 


the seriousness of which it is hardly possible to suppose she 
could have comprehended. ‘Then she thought of the dark 
closet, the very mention of which filled the boy’s tender 
heart with unspeakable torment, and into this dreaded place 
she savagely thrust him, saying, as she tightly closed the 
door, that he must stay there until a great black bear would 
come to-tear him all to pieces. 

It was just at this moment that I happened to be returning 
from a somewhat lengthy morning walk. While coming 
over the brow of a hill not far from the house, I had been 
an unwilling and unobserved witness to Mrs. Crudell’s treat- 
ment of her child. Such a scene was my poison. 

What though my philosophy assured me that sometime in 
God’s eternity that child would be richly compensated for 
all its wrongs? It requires hours of the closest reasoning 
to ascend all the logical steps whieh justify such a conclu- 
sion, while it takes but one second to behold cruelty; and 
it is generally the one second, instead of the hours of logical 
reasoning, which decides a man’s conduct. The heart never 
aspires to climb those dizzy heights where intellect is victo- 
rious, for it has a world of its own into which philosophy is 
never allowed to intrude. 

So it was at the moment of which Iam writing. For the 
time being I was not a philosopher but an avenger. | 

Not stopping to reflect I rushed madly into the house, 
seized the woman by the arm, and shook her till she fell. 
I then hurried to the closet, where I found the child in an 
almost fatal convulsion, its unconscious paroxysms being 
exceedingly painful to behold. 

Mrs. Crudell, not knowing who I was, and mistaking me 
for a desperado, set up a series of shrieks which seemed 
intended to wake the dead. 


Oy eae 





876 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


ra 


“Come, come! Get up here and behave yourself!” IT 
exclaimed, at the same time lending a hand to assist her. 


“ Look to your child, in that pitiful condition.” 

But a new development was about to open. The woman’s 
stentorian outcry had alarmed Mr. Crudell, who had been 
working in a field not far away, and now he arrived at the 
house just in time to see me laying hold of the woman in 
the attempt to help her up. 

“Oh, husband! take him off! He is trying to kill me!” 
was her excited appeal. pee 

Of course the husband could do nothing less than to seize 
the supposed outlaw, and he immediately did so in quite a 


rough manner, being a much stronger man than myself. 


I ought not to have resisted, but I did, and the exciting 


combat which followed was such an unpleasant affair that 
its record shall have no place on these pages. 

In the afternoon of the same day a warrant was issued by 
the court, causing me to be arrested and thrown into jail, 
charged, first, with assault and battery on Mrs. Crudell; and 
charged, second, with assault and battery on Mr. Crudell. 

Perhaps it is not strange that almost the entire population 
of Swampton arrived hastily at the conclusion that they had 
secured a criminal of the deepest dye. Indeed, there were 


those who stood ready, at a moment’s notice, to join a mob 
and lynch me. News-mongers gloated over sensational 
accounts of my infamy, while Mrs. Crudell was the recipient’ 


of boundless sympathy and laudation. In Parson Drowthers’ 

sermon on the following Sunday, she was spoken of as a 

noble woman, who had been foully attacked by a ruffian. 
John Hotchkick told his wife that he was not the least 


bit surprised, for he had “ knowed ” all the time that I was 


a “blarsted bad man,” and would come to a bad end. 















IN JAIL. 8TT 


Mrs. Hotchkick told her husband that she “ could n’t see 
for the life of her what the Lord was thinkin’ on when he 
made such a wretched wretch for to be a pester to decent 
TOMB. 2 cts 

Parson Drowthers told Mrs. Crudell, while holding his 
lips very close to her tiny ear, that, in his opinion, the man 
who had dared to lay his foul hands on her sacred person 
was now in a fair way to receive evidence of God’s eternal 
wrath. . 

Mrs. Crudell told Parson Drowthers, while holding her 
rosy lips close to his enormous ear, that. her nervous system 
was so unstrung by the attack which had been made upon 

her, that if it were not for the comforting words of her dear 
pastor she should pray for the angel of death to release her. 

Immediately Parson Drowthers lisped other comforting 
words into her delicate organ of hearing. 

Mr. Wordswell, as also his wife and daughter, spoke only 
in the kindest terms of me, and determined to do everything 

- in their power to save my person and my reputation from 
harm. 

There was only one human being who shed tears over the 
unhappy occurrence, and that one was Pelegon Jinny. Day 
and night he sustained a grief of which few hearts are capa-- 
- ple. He who had never known a father seemed now to have 
lost one. For the first time in his life he prayed, and his 
prayer was that his friend might be taken out of prison, or 


else that he might go there, too, and be shut up with him. 
23 . 


CH APA BR eVa 
THE FURIES. 


LL-FATED Swampton lay in the path of the tornado. 

The day had been unusually hot, and at four o’clock . 

in the afternoon a deathly stillness prevailed. Not a leaf 

quivered, and the lightest of downy dust, failing to find a 

current in the air, twirled about itself in a lazy way, hesi- 
tating whether to rise or fall. 

Was Nature sleeping, dying, or what? Nothing of the 
kind. She was busily engaged in her laboratory, brewing a — 
terrible tempest, which, in a moment more, would be turned 
loose on the face of the earth, to carry death and destruction 
to the children of men. 

A large, leaden-colored cloud came rolling up from the 
west, when it was suddenly brought into contact with another, 
coming from the south. Soon after a terrific noise resounded 
from Swampton’s great pine woods, and people saw a swath 
of trees mown down like grass before some tremendous 
scythe. An irresistible giant twisted them about, tore them 
from the ground, and tossed them hastily aside, as though 
he would make a road for the forth-coming chariots of a 
celestial army. 

A spiral column hung from cloud to earth, like a black, 
insatiate serpent let loose from chains and night and woe. 
With forked tongue of fire it lapped great mouthfuls from 


(378) 





THE FURIES. 379 


garden, field, and forest, crunched them to dust and splin- 


ters, and then ejected them into the face of heaven, as 
though its wrath would vent itself on the Most High. 

Grappling Mr. Wordswell’s barn, it carried it to a place 
within a few feet of the front door of his house, and there 
set it down without doing him any further damage. It vis- 
ited John Hotehkick’s orchard, leaving him not a single 
fruit-tree, while it conveyed his fence, he knew not where, 
and scattered his precious wood-pile until not one stick was 
left upon another. 

Mrs. Hotchkick’s hens were almost entirely denuded of 
feathers, yet were not seriously injured, although exhibiting 
considerable surprise over their Greek slave condition. 

Thus did the elephantine monster march on, reaching out 
here and there to wind-his huge proboscis around some 
giant oak, which was pulled up as easily as though it had 
been a tender herb. 

Whenever the storm struck a house or hollow object of 
any kind, it seemed to envelop the whole structure in a very 
light, etherial atmosphere, the result being that everything 
was blown outward by the sudden expansion of the confined 
denser air. 

Coming to the village the whirl danced up and down in 
such apparent glee that it jumped some houses completely, 
and fell heavily down upon others in the same line of march. 

Striking Swampton church its ecstasy must have changed 
to vengeance, for it hurled every wall outward with terrible 
force, while the roof went upward for some distance and 
then paused, as though waiting for all else to be removed, 
when it descended upon the church floor with a great crash. 
_ Oh, how this monster from the “ cave of winds” writhed 
and darted and hissed! How fearful the contortions of its 





880 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


body, and with what whiz and rattle and thud it pees onward — 
in its work of devastation and death! 

Reaching the Concord River at last, it greedily swallowed 
a great volume of water, and thus, having overladen its 
stomach, fell to the earth, a helpless invalid, while the 
- zephyrs of gentleness and peace took the dying cyclone in 
their loving arms and bore it softly away. 

And now the villagers sallied forth from cellars and — 


hiding- places, to see what was left to show of their worldly — 


goods. The spot where their church had stood was almost — 
the first to attract attention, and to call forth expressions of 
erief. Hastening to examine the inexplicable ruin, they 
were soon standing upon the prostrate roof, looking far and 
near for the remaining portions of their temple of worship. ‘ 
Suddenly a feeble human cry was heard, issuing from the 
débris beneath their feet. ‘ Quick! quick!” exclaimed the 
excited villagers. ‘Somebody is buried here. Bring an 
axe,—crow-bar! Take hold! Lift the roof! Hurry!” 
There was considerable delay before the proper tools could 
be had, and meanwhile the townsmen speculated upon the 
mystery of who the person was that had been in the church 
when the disaster occurred. No one could think of any 
good reason for visiting the house except during religious 
services. However, the period for surmising must be of 
short duration. Painful groans from below still continued, 
but were growing. more and more feeble every moment. 
Axe and crow-bar were now at work, cutting and tearing 
away a portion of the roof. It seemed a time interminable iS 
before the rent was made large enough for a human body, 


and then it was not in the right place. Other shingles had 


to be torn off, other boards split, and other rafters cut 
asunder. 





THE FURIES. 381 


At last a human form was reached. Although the face 
was shockingly bruised and almost beyond recognition, there 
was no mistaking the man. He was Parson Drowthers. 
Strong arms were immediately thrown-about him, while 
swift feet hurried toward the doctor’s office, to which the 
suffering minister was conveyed for the medical or surgical 
assistance he so much needed. 

“Where do you suffer most ?” asked the physician, when 
he had given the patient a strong, stimulating drug. 

“Is she dead ?”’ faintly groaned Drowthers. 

We ho? 7 | 

“She who was with me,” came the whispered response: 

The men who had brought the wounded clergyman to the 
office waited to hear no more, but rushed back to announce 
that a woman was buried in the same ruins. 

Their speed was unnecessary, however, for others had 
discovered the crushed mortal, and were already bearing the 
remains away. 


{ 


“They have found the woman!” exclaimed the doctor, 
looking out. ‘“ Here,’ he continued, addressing Lou Cra, 
who had just come in, “stay with this-dying man while I 
see to the other person.” 

“ Nothing to see about, for she is already dead,” answered 
Lou Cra. But the doctor hurried on toward the scene of the 
terrible catastrophe. 

* Did you say that Mrs. Crudell was dead ?” inquired the 
minister, manifesting a strange, wild energy. 

“ Yes,” answered Lou Cra, “I said she was dead, but I 
did not emphasize dead as I might if she had been permitted 
to live. Oh, you need n’t stare at me in that way, as though 
‘you would try to make me out! Do you remember Louisa 
Gracraft? Oh, yes! I see you do not forget. Here then 


aU REL MEE sta oT ea ea 
ae foe 


$82 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


you behold Louisa Cracraft herself, and, although the hand 
of death is already upon you, he shall not take you away 
until you have received my curse.” 

“‘] deserve it,’ groaned the minister. ‘God forgive me 
for that marriage certificate.” 

“ Ah! and will you now undo the wrong you have done 
me?” asked Lou Cra. 

“‘T was greatly tempted,” continued the minister, paying 
no attention to the question. “My salary was small. I 
could not live on it. JI needed the money. Huntgill was a_ 
wicked man. I wonder if he is dead and if I shall meet him. 
He was in Colorado the last I heard. Come closer to me, 
my good woman.” 

Lou Cra bent over the wretched clergyman. 

“Tell everybody,” said he, speaking with great effort, “ te 
be good and kind to Pelegon.” 

‘¢ Whose child is he ?”” demanded Lou Cra, in stern tones. 

“Oh, don’t speak so! Tell him to find Huntgill, and then 
he —I —” the words of the minister died upon his lips, and 
in another moment his breath had forever ceased. __ 

His tragic end, as also that of Mrs. Crudell, was produc- 
tive of much mourning. 

Lou Cra, —or Crazy Lou, as she was frequently called, — 
continued to be Swampton’s mystery. © 

On the day of the funeral she visited me in jail, telling 
me all that Parson Drowthers had said in his last moments. 

I was intensely interested. 

“¢ What could he have meant ?”’ I inquired. 

“J dare not tell you,” she replied, “ for it is so related to 
my own misfortunes that I know I should go mad again if I 
were to talk over and reveal to you the terrible experiences 
of my life.” 





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LOU CRA VISITS THE PRISON. 





THE FURIES. 385 


“Do you mean to say that you have sometime been mad ?” 
I asked. . | 

“ Yes, but that is a secretfor youonly. Don’t tell! You 
~ have been my best friend, and I confide in you. They took 
me to an asylum. It was dreadful. I was there an eter- 
nity; then the doctor said I was cured and could go away, 
but he made me promise that I would never talk with any 
one about my wrongs,—about my dear brother who died a 
bachelor and worth a million; about the counterfeit marriage 
certificate; about the child that was brought into court to 
establish the monstrous claim of the conspirators; about 
Huntgill, who did the kidnapping, and all the hateful work ; 
about Pelegon,—but that is not his true name; about the 
murder of the school-master,—oh, no! that has happened 
since, but it belongs to the same web.” 

“ But tell me —” I began. 

“Stop!” exclaimed the woman, becoming excited. ‘ How 
dare you question me when I told you I was under promise 
not to talk on these subjects? Go to Colorado! Find 
Huntgill. He isthe man. Compel him to tell all. Save a 
noble boy from a disgraceful name. Return him to his kin! 
Do good! Iam not—” | 

She became almost raving, so I checked and quieted her 
as best I could. 

My mind was soon made up. I would go to Colorado and 
take Pelegon with me. 

Next day I was out of jail, for it was decided by the plain- 
tiff that there should be no trial on the charges against me. 

Mr. Crudell had been closeted with a lawyer, from whom 
he received a few hints that set him thinking. At first he 
was determined to have me punished to the full extent of 
the law’s power; but when he was told that my attorney 





386 | - MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. _ = 


would pr nheed to show that I had possessed no einer motive 
than to protect a little child from dangerous abuse, and that 
the lawyer would very likely call witnesses from among Mr. 
Crudell’s neighbors, and, perhaps, be able to prove that Mrs. 
Crudell was in the habit of punishing her children rather 
harshly, the husband exclaimed, 

‘That is enough! Let the case be droped as 

This explains why the State’s attorney ordered a nolle 
prosequi to be entered upon the records opposite “ The Com- 
monwealth versus August Berkeley,” and why, forthwith, [i 
received an honorable discharge. 





CHAPTER VII. 
A POINT. GAINED. 


_——='T' was announced that the Governor of the Commonwealth 
Jae if would address a mass meeting at L——. Everybody 

_ wanted to hear him. Pelegon and Ozelia stole away in the 

~ absence of Mr. Wordswell, and greatly enjoyed walking to 
bees the place, a distance of three miles. It was much further 


by way of the road, but. Pelegon was acquainted with a foot- 





path through the woods which led straight to L They 
were so long in getting there, even by this short cut,—so 
many times did they have to stop to rest or to gather the 
beautiful autumn leaves, —that they were caught in a shower 
at the last minute, and the Goyernor’s speech was ended 


before they arrived. However, they found no cause for 





complaint. Too young and happy were they to feel any bit- 
: terness over such vicissitudes. They enjoyed each other. 
ee Any additional source of enjoyment was superfluous. Oh, 
that the ereater part of humanity could be thus classified, — 
two by two,—and that each couple could find such complete 
happiness in each other that the deprivation of external 
blessings would scarcely be felt ! 

But Pelegon and Ozelia must return. There was not 
time to walk by the circuitous route. Both of them realized 
the propriety of getting home before dark, especially as Mr. 
Wordswell himself was ex pected to be there at an early hour. 


> 


(387) 





388 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


Our young friends now had a pleasant walk, under diffi- - 
culties. To older and less sentimental —or shall we say to 
less affectionate—persons, it would have been extremely 
vexatious. The rain had beaten down the bushes and small 
branches until the narrow path in many places was com- 
pletely obstructed. | 

Pelegon went ahead, shoved away the bush, and shook 
the heavy drops of water upon himself until there was not a 
dry thread in his clothing, but so faithfully did he do love’s 
work that Ozelia was kept dry and comfortable. 

Midway through the woods they came to a low, swampy 
place, where, for a considerable distance, the water stood on 
the surface of sufficient depth to cover Ozelia’s shoe-tops. 

Here was a predicament. 

First they tried to go around the marsh; but it extended 
a long distance, both to the right and to the left, while alders 
and poison ivy formed an almost impenetrable jungle. 

Ozelia suggested returning to L 





and taking the road. 
Just then a peal of thunder resounded through the western 
sky, and it was evident that another shower was approaching. 

Justified by the emergency, the girl now proposed taking 
off her shoes and stockings and wading across to dry land. 
To this Pelegon would, not listen, for he feared she might 
take cold and imperil her life. | 

His purpose was soon formed. Making an invalid chair 
of his strong arms he insisted on carrying Ozelia across the 
treacherous bog. At first she modestly hesitated, but finally 
threw her arms lovingly about his neck, and submitted grace- 
fully and resignedly to that mode of conveyance. | 

Had either of them known how dangerous was the ground 
ever which they were to pass, the feat would not have been 
undertaken; for under the wild-grass turf was a jelly-like 





A POINT GAINED. 389 


mire, three or four feet in depth. But Pelegon cautiously 
selected the toughest of the bog on which to step, and, by 
walking rapidly, was able to get safely across with his pre- 
cious charge. 

“There!” said he, almost out of breath, “I would not 
have missed this opportunity, even to have been made Goy- 
ernor of the State,” and then, in putting her down, her 
blushing cheek came so near,—he could not help it, the 
impulsive rogue, —for the first time in his life he kissed her. 
_Was she angry? Perhaps so, for she immediately returned | 
the osculation. 

Then she scolded him for being so bold, and while he was 
doing the best he could to feel sorry, a loud, rasping voice 
burst forth on the forest stillness, startling them both like 
discovered culprits. 

“Say, you there! Who are yer? How do yer git across 
this ere place?” 

It was the voice of Mrs. Hotchkick. She, too, had been 
to hear the Governor, and as the new “hoss” had not yet 
arrived, she had placed dependence on her well-tried bodily 
endurance and the short cut through the woods, to get her 
safely home in time to milk the cows and prepare supper. 

Ozelia counseled Pelegon to make no reply to the woman 
but to leave her in ignorance as to who he was, for evidently 
her defective sight prevented her knowing. 

“No,” said Pelegon, “it would not be right to go away 
and refuse her assistance now that the night is coming on. 
She is afraid as death of wetting her feet, and, although she 
has no softness in her heart, she has been the only mother 
to me [ have ever known. Besides, I never feel quite so 
happy as when [ return good for evil. Yes, you must let 
me do what I can for her.” 


390 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


‘“Nobly spoken!” exclaimed Ozelia. “I am proud of | 
you.” | 3 

So Pelegon recrossed the slough, and in few words told 
Mrs. Hotchkick that he would carry her.over. She seemed 
slightly affected by this manifestation of generous impulse, 
but expressed her doubt as to his ability to perform the 
task. He believed that her weight was less than that of 
Ozelia, and therefore assured her that she could safely trust 
herself in his hands. 

After threatening him with dire vengeance if he should 
let her fall, she reluctantly consented to a trial of the pro- - 
posed plan. 

Alas ! 

Alackaday! 

Oh! Oh! Oh! 

Help! Help! 

Pelegon had missed his reckoning in estimating that Mrs. 
-Hotchkick was lighter than Ozelia. True, she was not of 
ereat size, but what there was of her was mostly egristle and 
bone. Perhaps his strength was already somewhat exhausted. 
Besides, his sinews were not now supported by the magie¢ ~ 
power of love. It is one thing to have one’s neck affection- 
ately encircled by soft and tremulous arms, but quite another 
to feel the sharp elbows of fleshless old age pressing upon 
one’s shoulders. | 

Pelegon was only half way across, when he was so:over-— 
come that he must needs stop to rest. 

Fatal stop! 

The frail turf could not sustain “him and his burden. It 
broke. In an instant he sunk waist deep in soft mud. 

Mrs. Hotchkick shrieked, kicked, struggled, and then fell 
flat on her back into the water. By herculean effort Pelegon 


e 





re, 












ees 


A POINT GAINED. 391 


assisted her to her feet, but the next instant the sod broke 
beneath her also, and she went down so rapidly as to i imagine 
herself going through the earth.. 

“The brave boy kept cool, in more senses than one, and 
made several ineffectual efforts to rescue himself and the 


hysterical woman ; but the foundation on which they stood 


~ was so slimy and hard that they could scarcely move without 


falling. 
Ozelia was half frightened to death, but Pelegon reassured 


her by declaring that he was in no danger, and requesting 


her to go for me. The poor girl made all possible haste, 
and arrived at her home quite exhausted, just as the storm, 
whose approach has already been mentioned, broke forth in 
great fury. 

I waited only to provide myself with a rope and a lantern, 


‘and then, following the direction given by Ozelia, tried to 


find the foot-path in the woods; but so dark had it now 
become that I was lost at the very outset. 

Coming near to John Hotchkick’s house, it occurred to 
me that nothing better could be done than to draft him into 
the service, although I did not then know (for Ozelia’s mind 


had been too full of Pelegon to tell me) that Mrs. Hotch- 


kick was also imbedded in the slough. 

Without designing it i did a splendid piece of detective 
work ; for the moment John Hotchkick saw me with a rope 
in my hand, and heard me say I had come to get him to 
show me the way into the woods, he turned as white as a 
ghost. 


re [did wt will. any one!” stammered he, thrown entirely 


off his guard. 
“ Ah!” said I; “so you think I have come with a crowd, 
to hang you to the nearest tree. Not quite so bad as that 


_ 


392 MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


yet, but I want you to show me to the mire pit, for Pelegom 
is in there and must be helped out.” 

“That’s none of my business!” exclaimed Hotchkick, 
immediately recovering his courage, and adopting his natu- 
rally surly tone. 

“Do as I command you, without wasting words,” I 
answered. ‘You should know by this time that I am not 
a man to be trifled with; especially, by you.” 

“ But the cows are not milked.” : 

“ Get on your hat and come along.” 

‘“‘T can’t leave my wife. She’s sick abed.” 

“She will be enough sight better off without you,” I 
replied. , 

“But I must wait till the shower is over,” he pleaded, 
“for this rain would be the death of me.” 

“Look here!” said I; “if you-do not follow me this 
instant I will give this rope back to the boys, and tell them 
to go ahead and do as they please with it.” ? 

That was enough. The coward submitted like a whipped 
spaniel. Where shall be found such tyrannical rule as that 
of guilty self-consciousness ? 

Hotchkick led the way to the mire-hole, and I threw the 
rope to Pelegon, whom we soon pulled ashore. 

“Who is with you 2” I demanded, greatly surprised at 
seeing another form faintly revealed by the dim light of the 
lantern. 

“Tt’s me!” answered the woman herself. 

Hotchkick was astonished. 

“ Ah, I see!” said I, turning toward him. “You told me 
your wife was sick abed, but neglected to state where the 
bed was located. However, as you begged the privilege of 
staying with her you now have the opportunity.” And I 





A POINT GAINED. 398 


Tag 


could scarcely resist the temptation of shoving him at once 
into the dirty pool. 

Then how he abused his poor wife. In his unchecked 
wrath he said the meanest and most hatefel things to her 
that it is in the power of man to utter, declaring again and 
again that she gave him more trouble than her neck was 
“ wuth.”’ 

“ Come, come!” said I, growing more and more impatient 
at his conduct; “ throw the rope to your wife and pull her 
out.” 

He hurled the rope at her head with no little violence, 
and commanded her to “ ketch holt.” 

She would not lift a hand. She had the sulks. When 
I undertook. to reason with her she declared she would 
rather stay where she was and die than to live any longer 
with such an old bear as John. 

I admired her grit, and secretly commended her choice. 
Indeed, I cannot begin to describe the exalted height to 
which that woman suddenly rose in my estimation. I knew 
then that she was not wholly irredeemable. _ 

“]’ll fetch her!” exclaimed Hotchkick; and he made a 
noose and then tried to lasso her. She spitefully threw off 
the rope as many times as it caught her. 

“Tf yer throw it off agin,’ declared he, “ll leave yer 
thar till yer dead!” 

Again she removed it. 

He started homeward. 

“Hold!” said I. ‘You shall not leave here until you 
rescue your wife. It is your own fault that she prefers 
death to your company. Had you spoken one word of kind- 
ness to her in the first place, the trouble would now be 
ended.” 


394 ' MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“What do yer want done?” he asked in surly tones. 

“T want you to go into that mud-hole and take hold of 
your wife sueek and then Pelegon and I will pull you both 
out.” 

“T won’t do it!” he muttered. | 

“Then,” said I, “this rope goes back to the boys.” ~ 

“ What boys?” he ventured boldly to ask. | 

“The boys who loved their school-master,’ I replied with 
impressive earnestness, my eyes fixed keenly on his counte- 
nance to study the effect of my words. 

As I anticipated, the betrayal of his guilt was most decid- 
edly marked. It was a good night for detective work. 

He waited to hear no more, but rushed desperately toward 
his wife, and was fortunate enough to keep on the surface 
until near enough to reach her. In trying to drag her out 
he soon went down to her level. A struggle now ensued, 
the like of which never was described in books. First one 
then the other disappeared and re-appeared. Twenty years 
of suppressed tiger found sudden vent in Mrs. Hotchkick. 
All that time the man had lived with her without-knowing 
her. All that time she had been a magazine of dynamite, 
which matrimonial oppression had succeeded in keeping 
dormant. ; 

In about two ‘minutes Hotchkick learned more concerning 
the possibilities of womankind than he had ever known 
before in his life; and at the end of that brief period he 
was as full of mud-as he was of the subject. 

But every earthly exhibition, no matter how entertaining, 
must come to an end. There would have been a death to 
record, if not two, had not Pelegon and . skillfully lassoed 
both parties and drawn them to land, which required all the 
strength we could unitedly exert. 









‘Higa 


Le», 


of 


ST hh dy 
far 


mf. 


ee ee =... 
ae Rat nents 


<a 


¥ Fe Bet Tie a ile 
5 Des 


; 4 ¢ 3 7 5 


cat Na a5 


_ you.” 


A POINT GAINED. . 395 


“Now, John Hotchkick, listen to me!” said the irate 
woman, as soon as she could find breath to speak. ‘ Here- 
after youll treat me decently or Pll tell the whole world 
jest what you don’t want told. Do you understand me?” 

“ Yes,” meekly replied the man. 

“ And do you promise ?”’ 

er es. 


“Shake!” said I, enthusiastically, as [ extended my hand 


tothe woman. “ You are worthy of my fondest admiration.” 


The request was unnecessary, for she was already shaking 


from center to circumference, but she extended her palm, 


and I heartily enjoyed grasping it, although it was covered 
with mire. 

“Tm very sorry,” she said to me in low tones, when her 
husband had strode on ahead, “that you are to leave this 
neighborhood.” 

“Why so?” I inquired. 

“JT should feel safer if you—if you—were here.” 

“ Business calls me to Colorado,” I observed. 

“ Av shall you take Pelegon ?” 

Sov es.” 

“Tm very, very sorry,’ she answered sadly. 

Next evening Pelegon and QOzelia sat alone on the porch, 
and communed face to face, hand to hand, and heart. to 


_ heart. 


“ Yes, I shall come back as soon as I ean,” said he, * but 
you are still attending school, and you will be admired by 
hosts of young men, and forget all about me.” 

“Not so,’ answered Ozelia. “I am now old enough to 
know my own mind, and I am certain I can never love 


‘another with that perfection of love which I have given to 


24 


396 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 





“And will you promise me,” said Pelegon, “that whatever 


may happen you will be—”’ 
“Yes,” replied Ozelia, divining what was unspoken, and 
having heard a sound near by which hastened her answer. 


“She will promise nothing of the sort!” 


exclaimed Mr. 
Wordswell in a stern voice, pushing open the window shut- 
ters immediately behind them. “ Pelegon, hearken to me,” 
he continued. ‘“ While I am willing to acknowledge that 
you are an honest, conscientious, and kind-hearted boy, 
nevertheless, if the truth must be told, my daughter shall 
not be called Mrs. Jinny so long as it is in my power to 
prevent. Besides, she is as yet only a school-girl, and must 
not have her young and tender mind occupied with any- 
thing but her studies. It is my duty to protect her, and I 
will.” 

“ You are right,” said Pelegon, after a moment’s silence, 
“and I ask your forgiveness for being so thoughtless as to 
forget that I can never carry my hateful name into respect- 
able society. On Ozelia’s own account, sir, I submit to your 
authority, and hence will not ask my dearest friend to share 
the wrong with which I am cursed.” 

“Come, Ozelia,’ said Mr. Wordswell, ‘it is vethu late, 
and you had better go into the house.” 

“Oh, papa!” exclaimed Ozelia, rising to obey, “ Pelegon 
has promised that he will write me long letters about his 
travels, and I have promised to answer them. Now, papa, 
do tell us that we may correspond.” | 

“No,” replied Mr. Wordswell, “ your social affiliation, as_ 
well as every other, must stop at once and forever.” 

Never before had these two young persons realized how | ; 
painfully a few sharp words may cut the sensitive soul. ~ 

In the days that followed, after great changes had been 





CHAPTER V1Il1. 
HUNTGILL. | 


A FTER a pleasant journey, Pelegon and I reached Den- 
ver, and established our headquarters in a comfort 
‘cable boarding-house, from which we immediately began 
making excursions—frequently of several days’ duration — 
‘to the various towns and parts of the territory, in prosecu- 
~ -tion of our seareh for Huntgill. Our intervals of rest —for. 
the constant stage and horseback traveling were very fatigu- 
ing—were spent in Denver; where, in repairing our ex- 
hausted energies, we greatly enjoyed the most delightful 
rides on most delightful avenues; beholding the grand 
panorama of the white-capped mountains, forming a semi- 
circle extending half way around the city, and where, too, 
we could breathe the sweet, invigorating, and healthful air, 
as it came,laden with the perfume of pine, hemlock, and 
cedar. 

It was while we were thus enjoying one of these pleasant 
rides, that Pelegon suddenly seized me by the arm, and drew 
my attention to a man on the sidewalk. 

“ Who is he?” I inquired. 

Pelegon was so excited he could scarcely reply. 

“Watch him! Don’t let him get away, for heaven’s 
sake!” he exclaimed in husky tones. 

“Do you know him? MHave you seen him before?” 

— (898) 












HUNTGILL. 399 


«Drive on,” said Pelegon, speaking hurriedly, and giving 
no heed to my questions. ‘“ We must follow him at a dis- 
tance, and keep him within view, at all hazards.” 

~A more forbidding specimen of humanity than. the subject 
of this episode one seldom sees. He was short, thick-set, 
and exceedingly muscular, having a countenance of the bull- 
dog cast. His dress was rather extravagant, while the 
amount of jewelry he wore indicated that, in some way, he 
had obtained more money than was necessary for the pro- 


eurement of his daily bread. 


“Tell me who he is,” I demanded. 


“T don’t know,” 


replied Pelegon. 

“Then why this agitation ?”’ 

“ ] have seen him before.” 

When?" 

“ As long.ago as I can remember. He is the very man 
that came into my mind when I was drowning, and whom I 
told you about.” 

“Are you sure?” asked I, my own interest now raised to 
the highest pitch. 

“Sure as I’m alive;-for the instant my eyes rested on 
him, it seemed as though I had always known him, and I 
shuddered all over.” 

While we thus talked, the stranger turned into a liquor 
saloon, and was lost from sight. 

“Now what shall we do?” asked Pelegon. 

“Wait a moment,’ I answered. “Let us consider the 
ease. He must not know he is watched. We must make 
his acquaintance without his suspecting we have any 
desion.” 

Weeks came and went. 

The man whom Pelegon and I had seen enter the saloon, 


400 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


and whom Pelegon recognized as one whose countenance 
had haunted him ever since his infancy, was still a stranger, . 
notwithstanding the well-studied efforts of both of us to 
make his acquaintance. | 

So extremely reticent was he, that he avoided every social 
approach that our ingenuity could devise. If-he were asked 
questions, his answers were given in gruff monosyllables, 
generally evasive in character, while on matters concerning - 
his personal history he deigned not to impart any informa- 
tion. 

At his boarding-place, his landlady knew nothing of him © 
except that he paid promptly and liberally for his accomme- 
dations, was quiet and peaceable, attending strictly to his 
own business, which was—nobody knew what. 

The saloon-keepers reported that he was a good fellow, 
rather odd in his ways, spent money freely, drank hard, but 
was never drunk, gambled a little, but kept equally cool 
whether he lost or won, and was altogether too good a cus- 
tomer to lose. 

The “oldest citizen,’ however, being thoroughly disinter- 
ested, did not hesitate to reveal some well-grounded suspi- 
cions against the character of this person, who, he said, had 
been hanging ’round the city for several years. 

“What is his name ?”’ I inquired. 

“Tt changes like the leper’s spots,” replied the “ oldest 
citizen;” “but as long ago as I fust knowed him, he was 
called Huntgill; and at that time he belonged to a gang of 
three or four as bloodthirsty outlaws as these parts were 
ever afflicted with.” 

“ Huntgill! ” exclaimed Pelegon. ‘“ That’s the very name 
Lou, Cra so often repeats in her muttering; and she has 
always told me to find him.” 














HUNTGILL. ; 401 


“What became of Huntgill’s partners ? ” I inquired. 
“Wal, I reckon they disappeared about as suddently as 


men ever did,’ answered the “oldest citizen.” ‘Ye see, 


pard, this gang of desp’radoes was partic’larly hard on 


adventurers, who felt obleeged to pass through here on their 


way up the mountains, where they expected to make their 
fortunes. If they fetched money with ’em from hum, they 
sometimes didn’t go any further than this town. But if 
they went through into the minin’ regions, and were lucky 
enough to find anything worth while, they stood a putty 
good chance of bein’ overhauled on their way back. And 
the poortry of the thing is, that them what was stopped was 
stopped forever; an’ they had mothers an’ sisters, an’ what 
ye call sweethearts at hum, who waited an’ waited, an’ don’t 


_know till this day what’s the matter.” 


One day Pelegon and I were riding on horseback toward 
the mountains, when we saw Huntgill, also on horseback, 
some distance ahead. He occasionally glanced behind him, 
and. no sooner did he discover that he was followed than he 
put spurs to his horse, and a few minutes later was lost 
from sight. | 

“It is evident,’ said I, “that he does not intend to be 
overtaken. Let us examine the footprints of his horse, that 
we may be able to trace his course.” 

We pressed forward vigorously, and succeeded at last in 
tracking the man into a narrow gorge whose walls on either 
side were at least a thousand feet high and almost perpen- 
dicular. Indeed, there were places where rocks completely 
overhung the trail, shutting out all the rays of the noon-day 
sun. vidently the ravine was not much frequented, for 
the path, if path it could be called, was blocked with numer- 
ous boulders, so large that our horses could hardly be forced 


402, MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


to jump over them. A small stream rattled and tumbled 
along through the deep defile, and this it was necessary to 
cross and recross many times, while the walls of the gorge 
were so close together that in places the rivulet washed 
them both. 

“Stop!” said Pelegon, scarcely above a whisper, as we 
rounded a turn in the chasm. “There he is! At least, 
there is his horse tied to a tree.” 

‘*¢ Doubtless he is lying in ambush, awaiting our coming,” 
said I, not being endowed with that blind defiance of danger 
which had taken sudden possession of Pelegon. “TI think 
we had better not go any farther, just at present, for ‘ dis- 
cretion is the better part of valor.’ ” 

“T cannot follow any such advice,” answered the boy has- 
tily.. “I must and will go forward. This is the man who 
carried me to Hotchkick’s, who has haunted all my dreams, 
and it is he who knows what it is my right to know, con- 
cerning myself. I must go to him now, for it may soon be 
too late.” 

“Then you shall not go alone,” I answered. 

We continued on till we reached the tree to which Hunt- 
gill’s horse was tied, and directly in front we discovered 
where a large rock had been riven from the cliff above and — 
rolled down into the trail, making it impossible for the 
animal to proceed. | 

However, as footmen could easily clamber over the obstruc- 
tion, we dismounted, secured our horses, and pursued our 
journey on foot, with as little delay as possible. 

Seeing nothing of Huntgill, although keeping a constant 
and cautious watch, we were soon surprised at coming to 
the head of the gorge, where a beautiful waterfall, all tat- 
tered and torn, leaped from a height of four or five hundred 








5 HUNTGILL. 403 


feet. Here we must stop; for any further advance was 


impossible. Where, then, was the man we sought? Since 
entering the deep ravine there had been no place visible 
where a human being could climb the precipitous walls, and 
to have passed a person in such narrow confines without 
seeing him was scarcely conceivable. 


After pausing a few moments, vainly endeavoring to solve 


_the mystery, we returned to the place where the horses had 


been left, only to be again nonplussed at finding neither 
Hunitgill nor his beast. All was silent as the tomb, save 


the constant rumbling of the mountain-born creek, as it hur- 


ried from the shady rift to the open fields, seeking, as it 


were, eternal rest in its ocean home. 


Late in the evening, when we returned to the city, we 


learned that Huntgill had arrived an hour before, that he 


had delivered the horse to its owner, paying liberally there- 
for, while no one could tell where he had been or why he 
went. 

*‘ My theory is this,” said I to Pelegon, when we had been 
refreshed by a night of much-needed rest. “Up in that 
gorge there is-a cave where a man may hide himself. That 
cave very likely contains a large quantity of stolen gold. 
Its situation must be between the place where the horse was 
tied and the waterfall at which we were stopped. As this | 
distance is only about half a mile —” 

“We can find the cave!” exclaimed Pelegon, all aglow 
with excitement. 

More easily said than accomplished. 

Day after day we searched diligently for Huntgill’s secret 
resort in the great gorge of the mountain, but nothing was 
discovered except the mere mouth of a cave, into which one 
could pass but a few feet before coming in contact with a 


NSS Set NE ee 
‘ - mark G ~ ‘ . 





404 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


stone, around or over which, nothing larger than acatcould — 
erawl, while owing to its great size and firmness, it was | 
pronounced an immovable barrier. 

“ What must be our next move?” asked Pelegon. 

“It is quite certain,” said I, that we are throwing away 
time in trying to find Huntgill’s cave. Why not wait till 
he goes again, and have him show it to us. I have ascer- 
tained at the livery stable that whenever he decides to take 
one of his long and solitary rides he invariably engages his 
horse on the evening before starting. A judicious invest- 
ment of money and caution on our part will be sufficient te : 
enable us to find out from the hostler when Huntgill is ready 
to start on his next journey. Without waiting for daylight, 
we can get off before him, hasten to the mountains and 
secrete ourselves at the summit of the precipice, where we 
ean be ready when he arrives, to overlook all his movements. 
How does that plan strike you?” 

“Tt is perfect!” exclaimed Pelegon, his every feature 
beaming with the prospect of speedy success. 


o 
A 
, 
Ts 
= 
. 
4 
— 


e 


‘WD 


Sen Pa 
eee > S 


4 


wee 


f 


a 
at 





Ot eae CR ea wee eo | 
. 3 rs ve Sep ty 
4 , 
’ cs 


GPPAPT ER: EX: 
THAT HORRID NAME. 


‘VERY charming young lady, tall and stately in form, 
graceful in every movement, animated in every fea- 
ture, healthful in every nerve and fiber, modest in every 
expression, having light brown wavy hair, deep blue eyes, 
into whose rich depths no ravished vision could sufficiently 
penetrate, rosy lips, quite suggestive of sweetest kisses, so 
near and yet so far, a smooth, white, artistic hand, which 
ene could scarcely touch without feeling an indefinable 
thrill, excellent conversational powers, a naturally merry 
heart, and an ever-aspiring intellect, both of which were 
tempered with religious intuition,—in fact, a woman whose 
excellent qualities and beautiful spirit might adorn and 
glorify an angel,— such was Ozelia Wordswell. 
“‘ Nature was here so lavish of her store 
“3 That she bestowed until she had no more.” 
_ The earthly affection in which Ozelia lived, moved, and 
had her being was kept in sacred charge,—kept night and 
day, kept amid sunshine and storm, kept in its integrity, 


even while men of reputation, rank, and fortune sought, 


asked, kneeled, pleaded, and prayed for it, kept constantly 
and forever—for one who was absent, for one who could boast 
no reputation, rank, or fortune, and whose very name was 


a blighting curse. 
(405) 


406 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


Such is the independent spirit of true love. Such 18 
woman at her best. Such was Ozelia Wordswell. Yet the 
time was not far away when temptation and frailty should ~ 
meet and triumph in the very-citadel of her heart. 

Pelegon Jinny had steadily grown in affection toward 
Ozelia, notwithstanding he was not permitted even to write 
to her. But does any one suppose they did not correspond, 
and in a way, too, that no earthly power can prohibit ? 
They did. The God in whom we live is the same great soul 
in whom our loved ones live. There is no gulf between 
them and us which affection cannot bridge. A mother has_ 
seen the death agony of her son as clearly as though it were 
before her eyes, although living mother and dying son were 
hundreds of miles apart. 

Bathe and purify the spirit of man in the spirit of love, or 
of God, until finite and infinite can commingle without any 
friction of earthly properties, and immediately a kind of tel- 
egraphic communication is established whose extensions are 
immeasurable. Some share in this grand unity which love 
produces is occasionally vouchsafed to man, and thus there 
are souls whom seas or mountains can never separate. To 
those who are thus favored the world, in a sense, is already 
destroyed, the day of judgment is past, and, even here on 
earth, they have entered into that spiritual rest which could 
never be perfect so long as there were dusty paths to travel, 
high walls to climb, and stormy waters to cross, ere a friend 
could meet a friend. | 7 | ; 

The noble youth in the Rocky Mountains and the beauti- 
ful girl on the Atlantic shore, each thought, loved, and lived 
in that wonderful current which runs both ways at once, 
and every thought and every deep emotion of the one met 
and embraced every thought and deep emotion of the other, 









THAT HORRID NAME. AOT 


till soul itself was touched by soul, and both were united in 
bonds inseparable. Thus it is that the most sacred intimacy — 
is often born of absence, and promoted by distance. 
But, alas! earth is not yet heaven, and heaven is terribly 
.. buffeted whenever it would set up its reign on earth. 


‘ To what extent are parents justified in attempting to con- 
trol the affections of their daughters? This is a question no 
2 one can answer. To interfere in the slightest degree is 
a dangerous, while to arbitrarily oppose is often fatal. Yet 
a there are instances, and they are not. rare, in which love is 
‘A counterfeit, desire is passion of the baser sort, courtship is 
flirtation, plighted troth is romance, kissing is intoxication, 
- the marriage altar a novelty, and matrimony itself an exper- 
| f iment. When, at last, the reckless experiment has been 
4 fairly tried, when the gold-fringed cloth on the altar has 


‘e been taken away, when kissing has ceased to be even a 
eat momentary effervescence of feeling, when the hastily-plighted 
word has gone the way of other words equally idle, when 
passion has proved itself to be passion, simply that and 
nothing more, when flirtation has lost all charm, except it 
be transferred to forbidden ground, when courtship is trans- 
formed into the common bickering of low life — when this is 
all that is left of matrimony, and when the parent has had 
the judgment to foresee that this would be all, who shall 
condemn him for having sternly said to his cherished daugh- 
ter, “It shall not be! You do not know your own heart. 
You exist under a delusion, and until your eyes are opened 

S you must submit to authority ”’ ? 
Yet, even when such is the case, there are few to sing the 

- stern parent’s praise. 

Why not let the girl take her course? Oppose her, and 
the chances are she will do worse. She is like a flame 





. 


408 ' WY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


which is almost in contact with a magazine of terrible. 


explosives. Will you rush forward and combat the fire? 
It may open your grave. Will you turn from it? Still it 
may open your grave. Unfortunate fathers and mothers! 
Whichever course you may decide to take, we have no cen- 
sure to bestow. Where angels pity, men should not con- 
demn. , 

One day, when Mr. Wordswell and his daughter were 
conversing together in that spirit of freedom which should 


always be encouraged between parent and child, but ~ 


which, nevertheless, came at last to be discouraged by Mr. 
Wordswell, he said: 

“No, Ozelia, you shall never, never marry that man, while 
I have power to interpose my will. I tell you to forget him, 
and never again even to mention his disagreeable name in 
my presence. You see, we must have some family pride. 
There, now, let us not discuss the matter any further. You 
know my decision, and are sufficiently discreet, I trust, to 
respect it. Before my only child should marry a Jinny, I 
would—but why make threats? The emergency will not 
arise. Good night, my daughter. Remember that it is 
only because I greatly love you that Iso strenuously guard 
your own best welfare. Please do not weep; and forgive 
me if I have spoken more harshly than I should.” 





CHAPTER X. 
CAUGHT AT LAST. 


UNTGILL had left notice at the livery stable that he 
would call for the fastest horse early the next 
morning. 

Pelegon and I started several hours before daylight, and 
quietly headed our steeds toward Platte Caiion. With some 
difficulty we climbed the mountain, resting not till we found 
a place on the brow of the cliff where we could see into the 
deep gorge without danger of being discovered. , 

In due time Huntgill rode into the ravine and secured his 
horse to the same tree to which he had tied him on a pre- 
vious occasion, as described in these pages. 

This done, he stood for a few moments looking cautiously 
up and down the gorge, and then, having satisfied himself 
that no one was near, went quickly to the very cave which 
we had once examined, and which we had decided could not 
be entered, on account of the huge stone that obstructed the 
passage. | 

It might have been half an hour before Huntgill again 
appeared, when he immediately untied his horse, mounted, 
and rode swiftly away. 

We now descended by a circuitous route, resolved on 
revisiting the strange cave in quest of new developments. 

(409) 


410 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


Coming to the underground chamber we discovered that. 


fresh dirt had been piled against the base of the stone which 
barred the entrance. When we had removed this we saw 


that the great stone was nicely balanced on a pivot, and — 


could be easily turned, were it not that it was firmly braced 
on the inner side. To reach under the stone and remove 
the iron bar that held it, was but the work of a moment, 
and then it was swung around on its central point until an 
entrance could be effected. 


It must have required many strong hands to place this — 


stone in the position it occupied, for evidently it was done 
by human ingenuity rather than by any freak of Nature. 

No sooner were we fairly in the cave than we found that 
it divided into three branches, each of which extended into 
unrelieved darkness. 

Fortunately matches had been brought, and a light was 
readily made. 

The cave proved to be even a greater object of interest 
than I had anticipated. Two or three hundred feet from 
the entrance, and at the extreme end of the longest branch, 
behind a pile of stones, some of which had to be removed, 
‘we found various well-filled trunks, satchels, and boxes. 
Here was gold, in rich specimens of ore, in nuggets, and in 
dust. Here were silver bricks, and a large number of such 
precious stones as the Rocky Mountains afford. Here were 
miners’ tools and clothing, and here were letters and memen- 
toes that spoke of home and those for whom home had 
mournfully waited through many painful years. Here, 
indeed, was a robber’s den, well furnished with the spoils of 
many a crime. Here was an explanation of the agonizing 
statement which has been often heard in our Eastern States : 





eee ths y 


CAUGHT AT LAST. } 411 


«He went to the mines; he wrote us that he should soon be 
home ; but we_have never heard from him since.” 

I thought of this, and my soul was moved with sadness, 
horror, and indignation. ‘s 

Both Pelegon and I, beginning to grow faint in the 
unwholesome air, started in haste to leave the cave. An 
ominous shadow darkened the entrance. At the same 
instant we recognized Huntgill. I drew my revolver, but 
was too late to prevent the criminal from pushing the bal- 
ance stone around so that it completely cut off our exit. 
With all our might we threw ourselves against it, only to 
find that it was now firmly braced on the outside. Hope 
died within our hearts. What mercy could we expect at 


the hands of this desperado, since we had madded him by 


intruding into his lair? 
whether he 





How he had chanced to return and find us, 
had forgotten something that brought him back, or had lin- — 
gered in the gorge on purpose to watch for enemies until he 
saw us enter his secret den,—we never knew. 

No sooner did the prospect of starving to death present 
itself than we began to feel hungry, although it was yet two 
hours before dinner-time. At the top of our voices we 
shouted for assistance, hoping that some tourist might be 
passing, but only wasted our breath, for the gorge in which 
the cave was situated opened off from the more attractive 
cajion of the Platte, and was scldom frequented by visitors. 

Huntgill himself, who remained much of the time near 
enough to hear our agonizing cries, deigned no response. 

Three cruel days and hopeless nights dragged on, and 
then we gave up to despair. Pelegon became temporarily 
insane. By the dim light of a little opening in the cave I 
could see his eyes glare in their sockets like those of a wild 


29 


412 MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


app 


beast. He raved continually about Ozelia, and about the 
good name he could bring to her if Huntgill’s testimony 
could once be taken. , 
My own thoughts and painful fancies were devoted to 
Augusta and the children, although poor Pelegon rapidly ~ 
grew worse and required all the attention I could bestow. 
About this time we captured a little screech-owl. I have 
never eaten anything that tasted so fine. 1 was convinced 
that the whole world would be infuritely more happy if it 
would confine itself to a diet of raw owl, without pepper or 
salt. It was my serious purpose, in case I should escape 
from that prison alive, to devote the remainder of my days ~ 
to advocating owls for table use, and to breeding them for 
the market. How different we feel under different cireum- 
stances! Is it not true that our surroundings make us 
wholly what we are? If so, and if in some future life our 
surroundings shall be infinitely better than they are here, 
will it require any miracle to make us infinitely. better than — 
we are now ? | 
- I don’t know. ae 
The owl-meat made both of us serious and increased our 
wisdom, so that we reflected on our impending fate, and 
tried to make peace with our better selves, in order that 
they might not rise up in judgment against us on the last 
day. There is nothing like keeping on good terms with 
one’s better self. It is the final arbiter of one’s destiny. 
“Tet us trust in the Lord,’ said Pelegon. | 
“‘ Yes, and keep our powder dry,” I replied, as 1 opened a 
canister I had just discovered, filled with a coarse, gritty 
substance. When I had tasted of it, ] was ready to shout 
for joy, for 1 knew it was the one thing I wanted above all 
others. 





= 





CAUGHT AT LAS. 413 


Luckily, I had a few matches left, and my plans for deliy- 
erance were soon laid. Scraping out the loose dirt from 
cs under one corner of the stone which shut us in, I embedded 
; the canister as much as possible, then solidly packed the 
earth about it, having first connected it with a fuse made of 
- my pocket-handkerchief, into which I had put just enough 
powder to carry a spark slowly along from end to end. 

The end of the fuse having been lighted, we both retreated 
to a safe distance, and prayed fervently for success, when a 
¥ terrific explosion occurred. Through smoke and dust we 
& tumbled over each other, in our haste to see what had been 
wrought. 

Who can tell our feelings as a great flood of light broke 
in upon us from the outer world. 

The huge stone had been thrown from its pivot, and lay 
unbroken on its broad side. Oh, how blessed is light! 
When the universe first awoke in response to the divine 
command, “ Let there be light,’ it could not have been any 
happier than we were now, and I doubt whether it felt any 
bigger. How it magnifies one to achieve a great thing! 

As we clambered over the prostrate stone, our ears were 
greeted with the sound of groaning. At first, the light 
blinded our eyes, but as soon as we could see clearly we dis- ~ 
covered that Huntgill was held fast to the ground, his right 
arm being crushed beneath the stone. Somehow, wicked- 
ness always gets overtaken at last. 

It was pitiable to hear this hardened sinner plead. Bad 
as he was, I would have relieved him from pain had it been 
In my power. Justice may be better than men, but men are 
more tender. 

As soon as Pelegon and I had drunk water from the 
creek, and eaten a few ripe berries to satisfy the keener 


414 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


pangs of thirst and hunger, we turned our whole attention 
to the wretched prisoner. ; | 

“Where were you seventeen years ago last November?” I 
demanded of him without any preliminaries. 

“T can’t remember,” said he. ‘Help me out of this.” 

“ But you must remember,’ I replied, “or we will keep 
you here till you perish. Did you not at that time have 
something to do with a child which was not your own ?” 

“ Yes—no, I did n’t either, come to think.” 

‘‘ Be careful, now. We are not here for the purpose of 
being deceived. Your ‘yes’ came from what little inno- 
cence you have left, while ‘no’ was an after-thought, born 
of fear. Tell me, now, what you finally did with the child.” 

“T took him to a farm in Swampton, as the preacher 
advised.” | , 

“¢ What preacher ?” 

‘“‘ Don’t know.” 

“Was there a note fastened to the child’s clothing ?” 

ae Es) Peg 

“ Anything else?” 

ceY-63857 

“What?” 

“Money.” 

“ How much?” 

‘A hundred dollars in gold; and if I had not been an 
honest man I should have kept it.”’ 

“ Who wrote that note?” 

“Mrs. Solett.” 

“Who furnished her with its glaring falsehoods?” 

“The whole thing was gotten up by her lawyer.” 

“ What was his name?” 

“ Blackwit.” 


TG 


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HUNTGILL CONFESSES. 





CAUGHT AT LAST, 417 


“ {s he living yet?” 





““T suppose so.” 

«Where ?”’ 

“In Boston.” 

“For what purpose was the note written ?” 

“‘'T'o keep the boy in the dark.” : 

“ Hxactly!” exclaimed I; ‘but it has failed, at last, to 
accomplish its object, and the boy is now hunting up his 
parentage, with every prospect of success. You can help 
him in this matter; and if you reveal all that you know 
concerning it, villain that you are, you shall have your 
reward; but if you make the slightest attempt to deceive or 
to thwart me in my purpose, you shall answer with your life 
for the crimes that can be proved against you. Do you 
understand me?” 

pores.. 2Go.on.” 

“Who were the parents of the child ?” 

“T forget.” 

“ Have you told me all you know about him ?” 

“Yes. Now help me to get away from here.” 

“Do not be so impatient,’ I replied. ‘ Your memory 
may grow stronger as your stomach grows weaker. Besides, 
it is possible to exist three or four days without eating or 
drinking, and in great mental distress; for this boy, on 
whose infancy you once laid your foul hands, and I, have 
just been -trying the experiment. Remain where you are, 
therefore, till we can return to the city and notify a surgeon 
-of your necessities, for it would be impossible for us to 
remove you. Certain officers of the law will also be 
requested to pay you a visit at the same time.” 


~“ 


CTA Pal Ee cae 


THE UNGUARDED HOUR. 


YOUTH whose name was Edwin Longworth, and 


who was about Pelegon’s age, was in a fair way to 
become Pelegon’s successful rival. 
He lived in Boston, and had first met Ozelia when she 
was attending school near that city. : 
Unluckily for Pelegon, Edwin Longworth was a pure- 


minded, noble-hearted lad, much handsomer than Pelegon, — 


more brilliant in gallantry, more graceful in manner, more 
sparkling and witty in conversation, and far more demon- 


strative in affection. Besides possessing all these advan- 


tages he was in high favor with Mr. and Mrs. Wordswell, 


was the child of wealthy and honorable parents, and could 
lay claim to having already won considerable esteem from 
Ozelia herself. 

Considering all of these circumstances, it is not greatly 
surprising that Ozelia felt somewhat inclined to follow the 
course which the world seemed to have marked out for her. 
She was a pure-souled, high-minded girl, and her love for 
Pelegon was probably as deep as that of any ordinary earthly 
mortal; yet she was not perfect, nor was her heart infallible. 
Affection itself cannot always be trusted. Attachments, as 
well as leaves and angels, have their time to fall. There 

(418) — 









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fix 


THE UNGUARDED HOUR. 419 


are moments when love cannot be shaken; but there are 


other and different moments. 

Edwin Longworth had become a constant visitor at Mr. 
Wordswell’s. In spring-time he pretended to have great 
fondness for the meadow cranberries, which, having been 


left on the vines to freeze, were quite sweet and juicy. 


Then there were checkerberries and wild strawberries, fol- 
lowed by-dewberries, blackberries, raspberries, low and high 


blueberries, whortleberries, and afterwards chestnuts, butter- 


nuts, and hickory nuts. When the season for these had 
passed, he came with fishing-tackle for two, and. invited 


-Ozelia to boat-rides on the Concord River. When winter 


‘set in he came again with two pairs of skates, and if the 


weather were unfavorable for out-door sports, he would set 
the chess-men, and challenge Ozelia to a contest in that 
royal game. On the whole, there was no time in the year 
when there was not some attraction to bring him to Swamp- 
ton, although the chief attraction was always the young lady 
herself. 

Mr. and Mrs. Wordswell designedly encouraged the city 
youth, for they knew he had excellent family connections, 
and gave promise of rising in the world to honorable distine- 
tion. Besides, they were anxious that Ozelia should form 
this new attachment, through which her interest in Pelegon 
would be lost, thus saving her from the objectionable name. 

As we have said, Edwin Longworth had many of the 
qualities of a desirable suitor. The conditions for growing 
affection between him and Ozelia could scarcely have been 
more favorable. Side by side, and wholly unmolested by 
others, they roamed through glen and dale, o’er hill and 
stream. 

At no other time did Ozelia have such marked success as 


420 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


when she went berrying with Edwin. She did not know 
_that he often slyly dropped whole handfuls of fruit into her 
basket, so that it might be filled as soon as hisown. Neither 
did she mistrust that when he led the way over rough and 
stony places, where clambering was exceedingly difficult, 
under pretense of finding larger or riper berries beyond, his 
real motive was none other than to have some excuse for 
taking her by the hand in rendering her needed assistance. 
Nor was she aware how his manly heart throbbed in exquis- 
ite bliss when, in lifting her over the jagged stone wall, he 
would firmly enfold her graceful form in his strong arms. 


Undoubtedly ‘he loved the girl with that overpowering 


devotion of soul which is born of first experience. Each 
freshly-budding emotion of his young affectionate nature 
came as a glad surprise, revealing a new heaven on a new 
earth. : 

Ozelia probably would have loved him with the same irre- 


sistible instinct, but her heart, which was as yet steady and ~ 


true, constantly reminded her that it was given to another. 

Let no one suppose, however, that because her affection 
was preoccupied all danger was removed.~ There are his- 
torical instances of a fully-garrisoned fort having been taken 
without the firing of a gun. 

Whenever man and woman find themselves frequently in 
each other’s presence; whenever they begin to have experi- 
ences in common, either of joy or of sorrow; whenever, 
from whatever cause or motive, they go away from the mul- 
titude and sit down by themselves, while something like love 
comes and sits down between them, there is danger that 
they will become a necessity to each other’s happiness. 

One afternoon Edwin and Ozelia had been chestnutting, 
and were returning home with baskets well filled. It was 


~~ 





THE UNGUARDED HOUR. + 4Q% 


one of those perfect New England Indian Summer days, 
than which none are more delightful. 

They could shorten their walk at least half a mile, by 
scaling the wall and going straight through the maple and 
pine woods. Edwin had set a snare there a few days before, 
and was now anxious to visit it, hoping he might have caught 
either a rabbit or a partridge. 

Ozelia was quite willing to take this woodland route, and 
the two young friends were soon enveloped in the somber 
shade of the stately trees. Ere long they came to a place 
where a picnic party had been lately assembled, and where 
some of the young folks had built a pretty bower, and fur- 
nished it with a rustic seat. To this bower Edwin and 
Ozelia repaired, and seated themselves side by side, to enjoy 
the rest which was really grateful after their long ramble. 

Let no one say there is nothing in scenery to influence 
human beings. A man’s surroundings might make him a 
murderer or a saint. Here was a wild, lovely, romantic spot. 
Twilight and shadow danced together among the branches. 
There was just enough breeze to make the lordly pines dis- 
course those eternal harmonies, to which no devotee could 
listen without being reminded of sacred themes. But neither 
Edwin nor Ozelia was in a mood to think of any other 
heaven than that which earth affords. While the soul of 
Edwin was keenly responsive to external influence, that of 
Ozelia was not dead to the touch of Nature’s magic wamd. 

“T am tired enough to be perfectly happy in repose,” said 
the innocent girl, as she leaned her head against the trunk 
of a tree. 

“ Perhaps there may be spiders in that rough bark,” sug- 
gested Edwin, rather playfully. “I think you had better 
lean this way. There are no spiders on me.” 


422 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


So saying, he put his arm gently around her, and placed 
~ her head upon his shoulder. It was a very bold action, yet 
it was not resisted. Perhaps Ozelia was too weary to give 
it the necessary thought, and thus did not fully realize the 
impropriety of her passive consent. Perhaps she was so 
completely transformed by the atmosphere of the woods, or 
so overcome by the suddenness of her strange position, or so 
unaccountably influenced by the subtle power of the person 
with whom she was in contact, that she was not quite her- 
self. Perhaps this particular hour had found in her a pecu- 
liar frailty which no other could have found. Perhaps she 
reasoned just a little, and came to the conclusion that, inas- 
much as she was consciously good, and inasmuch as Edwin 
was also good, their mutual conduct could not be otherwise 
than good. Perhaps imagination played its delusive part, 
as it has been doing ever since old Time was born. One 
may take physical exercise or be engaged in hard mental 
labor until one can scarcely raise one’s hand to one’s head 
or judge what’s what, and then imagination, having long 
rested, may jump into reason’s throne, and rule without let 
or hindrance. 

Ozelia’s imagination was naturally vivid. How often had 
she seen horses and chariots in clouds, faces in rocks, and 
gigantic castles on the hill-tops. Now, with body and soul 
placed at their ease, while she gazed into the handsome face 
of Edwin Longworth, she imagined she saw a strong resem- 
blance to her cherished friend in the Rocky Mountains. In 
another moment, it was Pelegon himself who sat beside her, 
supported her weight, pressed her hand, and softly whis- 
pered charming words. She was having an intoxicating, 
rapturous, waking dream, from which she had no desire to 
be aroused. 








oe 
THE UNGUARDED HOUR. 423 


For the moment, she fancied that not only the face and 
form, but the very soul of Pelegon was now in her presence. 
She even congratulated herself that she had come at last to 
realize her chief desire, and at the same time had escaped 
the objectionable name to which her parents were so bitterly 
opposed. In reality, she was never more devoted to her 
absent lover than at this instant; but we must remember 
that temporarily she was not living in reality’s world, but in 
that of ideality. Was it Edwin Longworth who held her 
hand in his? Oh, no! he had ceased to exist. It was her 
first and only love, the same that was never absent. Such 
is the wonderful reign of ideality. 

Taking in account time and place, circumstance and 
condition, is it, after all, so very surprising that when Edwin 
Longworth asked, in trembling tones, “ Dear Ozelia, do you 
love me?” she answered affirmatively, with more meaning 
than words could convey, and immediately received upon 
her rosy lips the rapturous kiss which had so long waited in 
an agony of suspense. 

Edwin’s ruling emotion could brook no delay. The other 
and great question was soon propounded: 

“ Dearest Ozelia, will you be mine?” 

“OQ Edwin, you must give me time to think. I am so 
overwhelmed with new and delightful sensations, I am 
beside myself. Please wait till I am sufficiently calm to 
know my own heart, or whether I have a heart to give. In 


a few weeks I can decide.” 


This was a reasonable request, and we must blame Edwin 


for not complying with it. Nevertheless, our censure must 


be tempered with the knowledge that he was possessed of 
an exceedingly impulsive nature. Whenever a great pur- 
pose formed in his mind, it seemed as-though he would 


424 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


rather move heaven and earth at once, even with his own 
- strength, than wait a moment for heaven and earth to be 
taken out of his way. “Strike while the iron is hot” was 
his motto; but to him every iron was hot the instant it was 
touched by his glowing soul. If you had respect for his tem- 
perament, you would not think of asking him to give to his 
judgment even three seconds of grace ere rushing headlong 
in any course on which he was bent. If to-day it were pen- 
nies, and to-morrow pounds, he would certainly be penny 
wise and pound foolish. 

‘¢No, Ozelia,”’ he replied, “I shall die if I must wait for 
your answer. You are all the world to me, and I must live 
in that world at once, or perish forever.” 

The decisive word was soon apo St and the engagement 
sealed with many kisses. 

Thus imagination, with wings of love, had flown through 
the open gate of an unguarded hour, and carried a heart by 
storm. 








CITA PILE ROX TT: 


LOU CRA’S CONUNDRUMS. 


&¢ \ N HAT! are you here? Have you been watching 
us, Lou Cra?” 

Thus spoke blushing Ozelia, hastily withdrawing from 
Edwin’s arm, when, on coming out from the shades of the 
forest where we left them, they stumbled upon the woman, 
concerning whose sanity there were differences of opinion. 

“Will you buy my chestnuts?” asked Lou Cra, as though 
she had not heard her interrogator. 

“ Yes,” replied Edwin, observing her well-filled basket. 
“ But why do you sell them, my good woman?” 

“Tf [ were a squirrel 1 should not drink tea,’ was the 
reply. 

“Oh, 1 see. You are poor. Ozelia, my dear, you seem 
to be acquainted with the lady. Does she live here in 


~ Swampton ?” 


“‘ Yes,” answered Ozelia, “and I like ‘her ever so much, 
although ’’—and the girl whispered to Edwin—“ they say 
there is something wrong with her mind.” 

“Poor creature!” exclaimed Edwin aloud; “and I will 
venture she is half famished. Here, take this, and provide 
yourself with all the luxuries of the season.” So saying, 
Edwin handed her a crumpled mass of bills, of whose 


amount he himself had no definite idea. 
. (425) 


426 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“T am no beggar,” returned the woman, exhibiting con- 
siderable spirit, as she refused the offer. “On the contrary, 
I could buy your whole family estate, and then have a sur- 
plus of cash sufficient to carry me through life.” 

“Ah! that puts the matter in a different light,’ answered 
Edwin, perceiving, as he supposed, the direction of her 
lunacy. “Then, 1 will not give you alms, but simply pur- 
chase your chestnuts,” again offering her the money. 

“ Yes,” said Lou Cra, “that is purely a mercantile trans- 
action, and straight-forward business is not dishonorable, 
even among millionaires; but I cannot make change.” 

“The change is already made as near as need be,” ~ 
answered the young man. “Take my capital, and I will 
take your cargo.” 

“Six quarts of nuts at six cents a quart,” replied Lon 
Cra. “ Exactly thirty-six cents, or nothing.” 


? 


“Humor her,” whispered Ozelia, ‘and let us see if we 
cannot get at her history. . She is in a good mood, now.” 

So the bargain was completed in accordance with the 
latest market quotations, and then Edwin said: 

“You spoke of your large property, Mrs. Cra; would you 
mind telling us where the bulk of it is invested ?” 

“In the hands of one who has the advantage of epithets.” 

“ How so?” 

“There is no epithet so vile that it would not flatter her.” 

‘Where does she live?” : 7 

“In the same city that you do; and I beg your pardon 
for the insult.” 

“ What is her name?” 

“At present, she is bearing the same name that my 
sainted mother bore, that was also mine in my happy child- 
hood, and that my dear brother was proud to own.” 














your mule’s ears so easily! 


LOU CRAY’S CONUNDRUMS., 427 


Besa it “Ts your brother aes Hee 


bs “oN o; he was murdered by this same ais hag that has the 


Be cice to call herself Solett.” 


_ “Did your brother leave any children ?”’ 
At this- question, a strange light gleamed in Lou Cra’s 
eyes, and there was energy in her tones as she answered : 
“] tell you that Pelegon Jinny was not his, and I warn 
you to stand from under, lest you be drowned in the torrent 
of angels’ tears?” 
Ozelia shuddered. 
Edwin could not but laugh at the woman’s my SIPTIOUS 


® 


recital. 


“ And what have the angels to cry about?” he asked. 

“ Because of this desperately wicked earth, its intrigues, 
murders, lying, perjury, fraud, robbery, broken hearts, ruined 
homes, and burials of the dead and the living.” 

“Were you ever married?” asked Ozelia. 

“No; few people are. But I followed the crowd. I 
jumped into the machine which gave me a new wardrobe, a 
new name, a new vision, and a new temper. Let me give 
you a conundrum: If you call a mule’s ears hoofs, how 


many hoofs will he then have?” 


“¢ Six,” answered Ozelia. 

“Six, of course,’ answered Edwin. 

“Nol said Lou Cra; “he will still have but four, for 
calling a thing this or that does not make it this or that. 


You see, young man, you are not fit to marry, for you put 


names in the place of facts; but you cannot rid yourself of 
1»? 


Edwin laughed heartily at this sally of wit, although 


- directed against himself; but Ozelia was more thoughtful. 


“ Do you like conundrums ?” inquired Lou Cra. 





Ses al ~ be “- ole tae 4 pr 4 “46 4, ae 
era x , ey Myles ae a wey 2 . 
rae . apes PO . 


428 MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“Oh, yes!” said Edwin. “Let us have some nice ones.” 

‘With morals at the end of them?” 

“¢ Certainly.” 3 : 

“First, then,” said Lou Cra, “tell me where Homeopathy 
fails.” 

“When the patient dies,” suggested Ozelia. 

“When the doctor dies, for want of patients,” thought 
Edwin. | 

“No,” answered Lou Cra; “itis when the patient recovers 
and then undertakes to administer an infinitessimal fee to 
the physician.” | 

“Good!” said Edwin. ‘ Now for the moral.” 

“ And mark it well,” said Lou Cra. ‘“ Every business has 
a standard of its own, against which no other standard 
must be brought to bear. So with matrimony. It must 
stand or fall, governed by its own principles; and woe to 
him who would subject it to a false or commercial measure- 
ment.” 

‘The moral is too deep,” protested Edwin. ‘“ Now some- 
thing easy.” | 

‘‘ Why would it be wrong to increase a Swampton min- 
ister’s salary ?”’ was Lou Cra’s next. x 

“He would feel like a bloated bondholder,” replied Edwin. 

‘Tt would not be wrong,” insisted Ozelia. 

“Yes, it would,” said Lou Cra; “for he must spend half 
his time in collecting what he already gets, and to increase 
his labors by sending him after more would be cruel. The 
moral of which is that if one person offers to another a love 
which is greater than he himself can deliver, it must prove 
fatal to the one who tries to collect it.” 

“That does n’t hit me,’ whispered Edwin to his affianced. 

Ozelia did not reply. r? 











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picihe, Uniaeers aC 


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“LOU CRAY’S CONUNDRUMS. 429 


“Here is another,” continued Lou Cra. “Once on a 


time, a man went into a hunter’s tent, and seeing a ke 
, g 


_ nearly filled with what he supposed was harmless black 
‘sand, he stood a lighted candle up in it. Lower and lower 
the candle burned, while nearer and nearer approached the 


: flame to the innocent-looking material. One moment more, 
and it would be forever too late to prevent the fire from 


touching the contents of the keg. At that critical instant 


the man’s wife entered, and immediately comprehended the 


situation. Question: What happened ?” 

Edwin answered, “ The wife swiftly and dexterously placed 
both her hands under the lighted candle, and lifted it boldly 
from the keg, without allowing a single spark to fall upon 
the powder.” 

Ozelia answered, “I bean she was too late, and that a 
frightful explosion occurred, sending both husband and wife 
into eternity.” 


Lou Cra answered, “T told you that the man supposed he 
was putting the candle into black sand. Jt was black sand, 


_and when the flame reached it there was simply a little 


_ spluttering, followed by darkness. Such are human hearts. 
The fire of love will not blow up the world, but rather will 
burn lower and lower till it reaches the real foundation — 
nothing but sand.” 

Ozelia was becoming thoroughly unhappy, and was only 
~ too glad that their walk had brought Ue nearly to her 
home. : | 

“One more conundrum,” said Lou Cra, “and then good-- 


night. It is this: Should it be said, fifteen and seventeen 


are thirty-one, or fifteen and seventeen zs thirty-one ?” 
“Fifteen and seventeen are thirty-one,’ said Edwin. 


~“ Fifteen and seventeen zs thirty-one,” thought Ozelia. 
26 — 





430 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“How young and innocent you both are!” answeved Lou — 
Cra. “You should know that the sum of fifueen and seven- — 
icen is thirty two. You overlook an eternal facu, while cen-— 
tering your intellects upon ncthing but aform of expression. _ : 
Affection is such a fact, while what one person says to 
another is a matter of wovds, words, words. Mind now, I 
do not say. Zs your love genuine’ but ah! ah!” | 

The spell vas broken. zelia was wretched. Edwin felt 
the chill of her solemnity. How speedily and effectually 
had they been brought dowz from the heights! - 








CHAPTER XIII. 
PUT YOURSELF IN MY PLACE. 


EFORE leaving Denver | took Pelegon to the Opera- 
House, to see some stereopticon views. Unfortu- 
nately, our reserved seats placed us behind two ladies whose 
hats were so large that the view of the stage was almost 
entirely cut off. Likewise, they were rude enough to whis- 


~ per incessantly, which so disturbed us that we had but little 


pleasure in the exhibition. 

After the room was darkened, not having much else to 
do, I amused myself by quietly tying knots in some long 
ribbons belonging to the ladies in front, but which had been 
allowed to hang over the backs of their seats, so that they 
came within easy reach of my hands. | 

I drew the knots pretty hard, for I wanted the ladies to 
be as vexed, on removing their bonnets and discovering the 
mischief, as Pelegon and I had been in consequence of their 
ill manners. I believe in exact punishment. My conscience 
always pats me on the back when I legitimately afflict the 
unrighteous. To tie knots in a woman’s bonnet-strings 
cannot be regarded as an excessive penalty for her having 
disregarded the proprieties which belong to a public oather- 
ing. Certainly, 1 did the best I could toward causing the 
‘face of Justice to beam with an approving smile. 


(431) 


432 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


Alackaday! When the lights were turned up I was BGs 
appalled at.the spectacle had wrought. Not only were the = 23 


delicate ribbons full of unsightly knots, but I had got them 


mixed, so that the two monstrous hats were tied firmly 


together. 


When Pelegon observed what was done, his risibles were 


so affected that 1 was in -mortal fae ror lest he should explode 
with laughter. 


As it was, he succeeded in disturbing the ladies who — 
owned the hats, and one of them abr uptly turned her head — 


so that she might bestow upon him a frown that would keep 
him quiet, in order that her whispering might not be 
interrupted. 

Alackaday again! Her entire head-gear came off, except 
a little circular twist of natural hair, about the size of a 


Boston cracker. She grew thirty-five years older in less — 


than five seconds. : 
The other woman had made the connections between nat- 


ural and artificial a little stronger, so that she escaped with - 
-_a damaged hat, and some painful hair-pulling. 
While they were trying to ascertain what had _ struck 


them, a policeman came upon the scene, who, also, had an 
inquisitive turn of mind. In vain I tried to suppress Pele- 


gon’s laughter. The more my elbow fumbled with his ribs - ? 


the more he snickered. I was almost sorry I had not eaten 
him when I had the chance. 


By this time thé ladies had discovered that their hats : 
were tied together, and they looked daggers at Pelegon, but 


gave appealing looks to the policeman. 


I knew what was coming, but how could I explain mat 
ters? When a man punishes a woman for her misbehavior, tcc 
he is simply regarded as a coward if he attempts to justify — : 


~ 











PUT YOURSELF IN MY PLACE. 433 


himself. » There is no rule in the code of chivalry which can 
be used in his defense. In this particular, woman has more 
rights than man. She has the right to chastise him without 
being asked why she did it. 
~ YetI love woman. I love not that eminent New York 
physician who has just been arguing that, owing to her 
peculiar anatomical structure, she is incapacitated: for exact- 
ness in the use of language. He claims that she finds it 
impossible to tell the truth, except on strong provocation, — 
as, for instance, when she afterwards answered him. 
But, in a sense, the learned doctor is- right; for if he 
refers to that part of woman’s anatomy which puts on and 
takes off, it is proper to say that no reliance can be placed 


‘= on it. It is conceived in falsehood, and maintained for pur- 
3 — poses of deception. 

a The question is, would man be as truthful as he is if fash- 
Bs ion were constantly urging him to practice deceit ? 

When Pelegon was arrested and lead out of the house, he 
y stopped laughing. He was astonished. Accused of tying 
4 _ the ladies’ heads together, he did-not deny it. He would 
Be | sooner have sacrificed his right arm than to get me into 
trouble. He was one who would do anything, even imperil 
P= - his soul, for those he loved. There are a few such men and 
A women left in the world. They will sin against themsélves 
Re in trying not to sin against loyalty to friendship. 

: - Up to that moment, I had not supposed Pelegon could tell 
i a falsehood. J had ranked him with George Washington, 
‘ But he differed from that gentleman in that he could tell a 


lie, but generally would wt. 

Now, however, he made the statement that he was the 
Bee one who fastened the hats together. I was too polite to 
= ; accuse him publicly of falsehood, so I let it go that way. 


4345. MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


»“ What is your name?” demanded the chief ‘of police, 
before whom he was at once taken. 
“ Pelegon Jinny.” 


“That is fictitious,” replied the officer. ‘ Give us your 


true name.” 
“ You must take that or nothing,” answered the boy. 


So the officer regarded him as a hard case, and locked - 


him up in a felon’s cell. : 
Next morning I paid his fine, and promised him a hun- 
dred dollars besides. 

But the end was not yet. Although Justice licked her 
chops with satisfaction, not so the muscular husband of the 
lady whose head was dismantled. : 

Following Pelegon out of the court-room, he demanded of 
him that sort of “satisfaction” which belongs to border- 
ruffanism. This I could not allow. I would defend my 
young friend, at all hazards. 

“Who are you?” demanded the irate husband of me. 

*““T am. the protector of this innocent boy,” said I, “ and if 


you harm a hair of his head, you may have occasion to learn ~ 


more of me.” 


I should not have shown so bold a front if I had known 


how anxious he was to,engage in a fight. 
He clinched me without another word. 
Pelegon clinched him, and tried to tear him off. 
Somebody tried to tear Pelegon off. 


By this time, two or three drunken fellows — friends of . 


the aggrieved husband —piled on to me. 


Bystanders, who. were anxious to see fair play, tried to 


take them away. 


Finally, there were a dozen of us ina heap. Which one 


of the dozen I was I could not tell. 





* 






PUT YOURSELF IN MY PLACRE. — 435 


Four policemen tried to arrest us. They were on top av 


first, but had to take their turn with the rest of us in going 


to the bottom. 
~ We covered a deal of ground before we were through. 

The judge and all his attachés came out to see us, but 
they kept at a safe distance. His honor expressed himself 
aloud as being horrified at the spectacle ; but when it was 


| over, he told the clerk confidentially that he would not have 


missed seeing it for the best new hat in the city. 
Some of us tried to cross the street. Others of us didn’t 
want to cross. We effected a compromise. The horse-car 


track was blockaded. Drivers, conductors, and passengers 


had to stop and see us. They were elad of the opportunity. 
Some of them took a hand in trying to separate us. Indi- 
vidually, | was very well separated already. 

A Texas steer had that morning made his escape from a 
slaughter-yard. He had been shot at by men, and. pursued 
by boys, and bitten by dogs, until he was mad, and when that 
kind of a creature is mad, he is mad through. and through. 

In the short time he had been loose, he had crippled two 
women and three men, overturned five peanut and fruit 
stands, crashed through a French-plate window into a drug- 
store, gored the prescription clerk, and scattered his physic 
in all directions. So much done, he again took to the 
street, and, with eyes flashing fire, came bellowing toward 
the scene of conflict in which we were engaged.. 

Smelling blood in our midst, his ungovernable rage was 
newly excited, and, stiffening every muscle, he lowered his 
head, and plunged into-us like Death’s own battering-ram. 

In an instant, we were resolved into our respective indi- 
vidualities, and ran with all our might in ever so many direc- 


tions, according to our own sweet will. 








=) oy WIFE'S FOOL OF a _ HUSBAND. = 


So 


beast, and he was eventually repaired by : a _ medical ‘sean 
stress. ae 


I have not seen that uevent since. 


at 


iN ever again will ! Fae with a woman’s top-knot. 


my place. 


stances forced oregon het on after the first amen blunde 


of working at two hats where I pooue tes there was but, one. 
I did not want to fight. 


manly, undignified, brutal, and wicked. 


with arnica, that we were only SOrTy he had not hes 
sooner. cae 3 















~~ CHAPTER XIV. 


DOGGIE DARLING. 


os 3 He seen Huntgill safely incarcerated, and having 


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appointed an agent to look after Pelegon’s interests, 
we left Denver in a Pullman palace-car for our long journey 
homeward. 

One sees much human nature on the rail. In the car we 
occupied there was a little pug-dog going to, Boston, and he 
had taken the precaution to provide himself with an ele- 
gantly-dressed woman for his constant attendant. Although 
she was worth an independent fortune, she showed her beau- 
tiful humility by condescending to be an obedient and faith- 
ful servant to his little dogship. 

We learned that she belonged to a very aristocratic fam- 
ily, her parents being proud, above reproach, and haughty 
beyond suspicion. Had they been told at her birth that she 
was destined to become a servant in her mature years, they 
would have put her away under some little bridge, in order 
to shield their fair escutcheon from such disgrace. 

Yet the woman herself magnified her office for the sake of 
the dog. She had more regard for his feelings than to 
belittle the honorable service to which he was entitled. She ° 
called him her King. I knew then what irresistible influence 
the kings of old had exercised over their subjects. I could 

. ‘et (487) 


438 — MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 





understand now how the people were willing to be butchered . | 


by companies, battalions, and corps in order that the kings 
might live. es 3 

She fed him with spring chicken, carefully boned, and 
wiped his delicate lips with a soft napkin. Every two 
minutes she fondly kissed him, hugging him to her faithful 


bosom between times. 


If I could have had my choice of two evils, I would have 


chosen to be him instead of her. - He was evidently having 
his good things in this world. 

In the course of the day it occurred to his adorer that he 
needed a bath. He had not had one for twelve hours. 
Some of the passengers cruelly objected to its being admin- 
istered in their presence. The conductor was appealed to. 
He was made of that stern stuff of which warriors are 
produced. Without manifesting a quiver of emotion, he 


told the fine woman it would be necessary for her to take - 


her bath-tub and dog into ‘the smoking-car. She went. 
Meeting a brakeman, he said: “Madame, this is the 
smoking-car.”’ | 


_“T know it,” said she. 


As she entered the curling clouds of smoke, two or three 
gentlemen arose, and oie! said: “Madame, this is the — 


smoking-car.” 
“‘T should judge so,” she replied. 
The only yacant seat was beside a fat German, who was 


vigorously engaged drawing tobacco fumes from a large, 


handsome, meerschaum pipe. ‘“ Dis ish de schmoking-car,” 
he remarked, as she sat down. 


“T¢ is an outrage on decency!” exclaimed the woman. 


“Ish de schmoke of goot dobarker some offensive to you 


already, aint it?” he said. 





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BA nr 





—\e 


DOGGIE DARLING. 439 


“Yes; I can’t bear it,’ replied the fair one, snappishly. 
“T tought zo,” answered Hans. “Some people ish joost 


dot vay,” he continued, as he cast a glance at the dog before 


enveloping it in a cloud of suffocating smoke. 

“No man that is a man will smoke in the presence of a 
lady,’ snarled the intruder. | 

“I knowsit. Und I neffer doos dot ting, nohow already.” 

-“Do you understand me, sir? I say 1 cannot bear 
smoke!” 

“Ya! ya! You schpeaks wery goot Anglish. I oonder- 
sthands you all de dime already. I bay sexteen tollar for 
dis bootiful meerschaum, an’ I must schmoke pooty much to 
get him nicely colored before I comes to Chicago already.” 

Another wreath of smoke sent the poor dog into a fit of 
sneezing. 

~The woman was now exasperated beyond measure. “I 
tell you,” said she, “I can’t stand it. I abominate a nasty 
pipe above all things in the world!” | ‘: 

So saying, she clutched the precious meerschaum and 
hurled it through the open window. 

The German was astonished. 

Thrusting his head out, he endeavored to give his treasure 
a farewell look, but it was lost to sight in the thick dust of 
the madly-rushing train. es 

Then he looked at the woman. Everybody in the car 
trembled for her. But he simply smiled. He winked to 
his fellow passengers, and smiled again. 

“Dat ish all right!” said he, at-last. ‘I neffer schqueel.” 


_ ghen he leaned back, and for two minutes gave himself 


up to brain-racking thought. 
Suddenly he aroused. Silence was broken. 
“TI can’t bear it!” he broke out, in tones that attracted 


440 - MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 



















everybody’s attention. “I has been trying to bear it Z0 
long already; but it aint no use—I can’t bear it! I can’t Pen. 
bear it!” ; 
“Can’t bear what ?” epee the woman, pausing in her. 
employment of bathing King. ak 
© Dot ish joost it,” answered the German. “I abominate ~ ts 
a leetle, nasty dog above all de tings in de world,” and no | c 3 
sooner were the words spoken than he seized the poor pug 5 
by the tail, and threw him out of the window. : 
Then there was a scene. — eee 
Away went the woman through the train, screaming . 
hysterically, until, meeting the railroad conductor, she had 
just enough strength to tell him that her darling was out of 
_ the window, when he, supposing she had lost her child, 
“jerked the bell-rope, had the train stopped, and sent’a man 
ahead to flag the way, and another to the rear to signal 
danger. es. | 
This done, we were pushed back with cousiderahe socei 
while all the railroad employees carefully watched the shal- 
low ditch on both sides of the track for the mangled remains 
of a human infant. . 
We must have gone back three or four miles before he 
conductor learned the true state of affairs. He was mad. 
He knew he would fail to get through on time, and possi _ 
bly would lose his position. Rega = 
Once more the engine was set forward, and aftem ae 
moment’s delay, we were ready to advance. : 
But in that moment of delay something occurred which _ 





filled the soul of our German traveler with inorprdaaple : 
joy. He recovered his pipe. You should have seen ane 


Chicago was reached, the meerschaum was richly 











ar 


ig 











CHAPTER =X Vie ae 
: 
A LAWYER’S REMINISCENCES. 
ae 
G), returning to Boston, I ascertained that the grand 


jury had found two indictments against Lawyer Black-. 


wit, and that he was then incarcerated, awaiting a trial 
which would be certain to result in his being sentenced to 
imprisonment for life. Having obtained permission to visit 
him, the conversation which followed is here recorded. 

“T am told,’ said I, “that the evidence which will-be 
brought against you is so strong and conclusive that you 


can have no reasonable hope of acquittal, either on the 


charge of forgery or perjury.” 
“JT have ceased to hope,” replied Blackwit; “and as my 


friends have all deserted me, and I am getting too old to 


make new ones, perhaps I may as well be in prison as any- 
where, during my remaining days.” 

“There is one matter with which you have been con- 
nected,” I remarked, “ which I intend to fully investigate.” 

“Will the investigation be tedious and embarrassing to 
me ?”’ asked the lawyer. 

“T expect it will.” 

“Then suppose I enter into an agreement with you.” 

‘What have you to propose ?” I inquired. 

“T will agree,” said Blackwit, “to tell you all I kice 
| (442) 


~~ 









Be 
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_ * 


_ A LAWYER’S REMINISCENCES. 443 





\ 


about the case, whatever it may be, on condition that you 
will promise never to bring any legal process against me. 
Unless you accept these terms, you must find out what you 


wish to know the best way you can.” 


I looked at the gray hair and wrinkled brow of the old 
man, who was already so firmly held: by the grappling-hooks 
of the law that there was no probability of his escape, and 
then answered : ; 

“Very well, sir. Make a clean breast of it and I will 
leave your punishment with God rather than man.” 

“ Proceed,” said Blackwit, manifesting that stoical resig- 
nation born of despair. 

“ You will now tell me,” said I, “ what you know, and all 
that you know, concerning a certain child, about two years 
of age, who was left at the house of John Hotchkick, seven- 
teen years ago last November.” 
~& Aha!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I expected that was the 
subject.” 

“ And also,” I continued, “I want a clear explanation of 


_ this note, which was pinned to the child’s clothing,” taking 


the time-worn paper from my pocket and holding it before 
the eyes of Blackwit. 

“That infernal Hotchkick lied to me!” vociferated. the 
prisoner, examining the writing, while I still held it in my 
on hand. ‘“ He told me the mice had * chawed it up.’” 

“ Who wrote it?” I asked. 

“ A woman who was my client, and who pretended to be 
my friend, but whom I now hate with all the hatred of per- 
dition. If I had not followed her diabolical counsel I should 
not be here to-day.” | 

~ Another instance of Adam charging the whole wrong to 
Eve,” I remarked. 


444 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. = 


“Yes; and I know as well as anybody that it looks cow: 


-ardly ; but if any one can come within the range of what 


that woman calls her magnetic influence, and not be struck 
by moral lightning, he is a better non-conductor than I am, 
that’s all. Nature furnishes a similar creature in the elec- 
tric fish, which, if you are foolish enough to grasp it, will 


discharge a shock of electricity sufficient to so paralyze your — 


hand that you cannot remove it. Shock after shock will 
then be sent until you are a dead man. There are a few 
just such women in the world. Once lay your hand upon 
them, and if ever you get away alive it will be only by tear- 
ing yourself all to pieces.” 


“What is the name of the person with whom you have ~ 


been so unhappily associated ?” inquired L. 
“‘ She is called Madame Solett.” 


“ What was her motive in writing this note?” 


“Well, the case in brief, if you must know, is simply this: 3 


Some twenty years ago, the woman of whom I speak was 
not such an extraordinary person as she has since become. 
She followed the business of mesmerizing people, and was 
quite successful with a certain class. If she told them the 
moon was made of cheese, she could not only make them 
see the skippers it contained, but would cause them to take 
cognizance of its savory odor, as they raised their noses and 


sniffed the air. HH I may be permitted to use a classical 


illustration, she so completely controlled her subjects that 
they were as yielding to her purposes as mud under a duck’s 
foot. If she wanted a man to get sick, or even to die, in 
her presence, she was able to accomplish her design without 
exercising any violence whatever. : 

“ At one time an old bachélor made her acquaintance, and 


being an agrecable sort of fellow, and possessed of a large — 


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A LAWYER’S REMINISCENCES. 445 


- fortune, she kept him company for about a year. She was 
anxious to have him marry her, but as he was not a perfect 
aS subject,’ she failed i in this to accomplish her will. 

“At last he died, and it was a pretty mysterious taking 
off, | assure you. Then came his sister, who, being the only 
heir, was legally entitled to the entire property. Meanwhile 
Madame Solett set up the claim that she was the widow of 
the deceased millionaire, appointed me her attorney, and 
_ instructed me to furnish the proof. I had some trouble in 
finding a minister who would make out a marriage certifi- 

-eate; but after a while I came across a person whose price 

was not extravagant,—his purse and his conscience both 
_ being rather short,—arid he not only furnished the docu- 
ment I wanted, but assisted me in getting witnesses to the- 
marriage ceremony. ‘These witnesses were conscientious 
enough, for it is true they had attended a marriage at one 
time, but having forgotten the names of the parties, the 
clergyman had only to tell them that it was this marriage 
- of Solett they had seen, and they believed it, simply because 
he told them so, and then swore to it without equivocation 
or mental reservation.” 

“What was the minister’s name ?”’ I anked: 

* Drowthers.” 

“Of Swampton ?”’ 

“Yes.” 

“ Ah! it is well that he is dead, for I would expose him 
without mercy.” 
_ “You would have found that work already done,” answered 
Blackwit, “for one Lou Cra was on his track about the 
time he was killed, and she would have had him turned up 
to the light in a few days more, if merciful death had not 


x stepped i in and saved ims 
PA be Does 


446 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


“ What is the history of Lou Cra?” inquired I. 

“She is that sister I spoke of, and as Mr. Solett had no 
other relative at the time of his decease, she was justly 
eutitled to his property.” 

‘Did she know all the facts concerning your villainy ?” 

“She knew nothing, as courts count knowledge; but if 
her instinctive convictions could have been taken for evi- 
dence, it would have gone hard with us. : 

“‘f pitied her a little, for in former days she was the 


bright, central star of society’s very élite. When the great 


blow came, it so prostrated her intellect that for many years 
she suffered all the horrible evils which a distorted imagina- 
tion could conjure up.” | 

“Go on with the recital,’ demanded I, with impatience, 
as Blackwit paused. “ You made use of the marriage certif- 
icate and witnesses which Drowthers provided. What 
then ?” 

“ Well, 1 thought it advisable, since there was so much 
property in issue, to strengthen my case with still further 
and stronger evidence; so I advised my client that she 
ought not to appear in court without a babe. in her motherly 
arms, and told her that if one could possibly be procured, 
bearing some resemblance to the deceased man, all we 
should then require would be a nurse to swear that she had 
taken care of the infant ever since it was born to Mrs. Solett, 
and our case would be perfect. 

“To get just the right kind of child without ning it 
immediately traced up and claimed was an undertaking” 
requiring both courage and ingenuity. However, we em- 
ployed a fellow by the name of Huntgill, who was already in 
the service of my client, and he did the work much more 
satisfactorily than we had anticipated. 











A LAWYER’S REMINISCENCES. 4AT 


“Going into Ohio, he happened to see just the child he 
wanted, having eyes, nose, and mouth closely corresponding 
to those of the deceased. He found out that the child with its 
mother was to go on a stage journey from Upton to Montville. 
Qn the day they started, he hired a team, and kept them 
well in view until night came on. His theory was that, as 
the coach would not arrive at Montville till midnight, the 
woman would fall asleep on the way. He knew that the 
stage would stop at a certain wayside inn some time in the 
night, for the purpose of changing horses. Well, no sooner 
had they stopped than he was on the alert to accomplish his 
purpose. With cat-like tread he crept up in the dark, 
opened the stage door, and discovered, just as he had hoped, 
that the mother was lost in sleep, while the child peacefully 
slumbered on the seat beside her. It was but the work of a 
moment to seize the little one, and bear it away. 

“Fortunately for our case, the woman, on discovering her 
loss, jumped out of the stage and went raving mad before 
any one could be informed of the circumstances; and thus 
people generally supposed that she herself had insanely dis- 
posed of her own offspring, and consequently nobody ever 
discovered the right clew. Shortly, she died. 

“Our plot succeeded finely. The trial ended, and the 
decision was in favor of my client. | 

“Then, as Madame Solett had no desire to keep the child, 
she again called on Huntgill to dispose of it. 

“ He took it to New York city, and left it in a basket at 
somebody’s door, where it remained a few months, when we 
learned that the father of the child had taken rooms on the 
same street ; and, being afraid that he would recognize it 
and make trouble, we once more engaged Huntgill to kidnap 
the little one, and remove it to some backwoods place, to 
which no interested party would be likely to come. 





448 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. _ ee 


“Once more we invited Parson Drowthers to our confi- | 


dence —for we wanted to put the child where he could keep 
watch to see that it was not discovered—and he recom-— 
mended one of his parishioners, Hotchkick by name. And 
I think if the whole world had been hunted over, we could 
not have found a man who would be more likely to keep a 
child thoroughly down than this same miserable dog of a 
- Hotchkick. : 

‘Tn order to heap additional degradation on the mother- 
less boy, Madame Solett named him Pelegon Jinny, and ‘2 
represented, as you will discover by the note, that he was 
the illegitimate offspring of the worst possible parents. 

“ Having sent a hundred dollars and threatened dire ven- 
geance on Huntgill if the money was not deposited with the 
child, everything was satisfactorily done, and Madame 
Solett, after paying me a very liberal fee, entered into the 
enjoyment of her vast estate, since which time she has 
increased it by ways that. are somewhat crooked and, if I 
mistake not, slightly dark.” 

“Who was the father of the child,’ I demanded. 

“ Herford Leslie.” 

“The murdered school-master ?” 

“Yes.” | | | 

“ And how did he happen to beat Hotchkick’s ?” 

“That was Lou Cra’s doing. | 3 

“She seemed to know everything, from beginning to end. 
Having gotten the school-master into her confidence, she 
managed to convince him that the boy belonged ‘to him; — 
and just as he was about to tell him so and take him away, 
the murder occurred.” 

Blackwit could tell no more. 


Tye a ncagor 





Be ee ee ELEY 
a FVTETY OUI ror 
Be Shoe UREA NY 


CHAPTER XVI. 
LIFES CHANGES. 


Se, HORTLY after the events related in the preceding 
25 S chapter, Lou Cra was engaged in steeping the last bit 
of tea in her possession. ‘Too proud to beg, she was actually 
perishing of slow starvation. Ina wretched attic, for which 
the rent was a mere trifle, she passed her miserable days 
and sleepless nights. No one came to visit her, or seemed 
to care whether she lived or died. 

The tea was ready, and Lou Cra, with trembling hand, 
poured it into a cracked cup which stood upon an empty 
. barrel covered with a rough board. 

She tasted the tea. It was not good. Her mind wan- 
dered back to the long ago. “Topsy!” she called, half 
delirious, “bring the cream and sugar. Ah! that’s right. 
Now, Topsy, a bit of tender steak, well done, and then some 
rich, toothsome dessert.- Very well. O Topsy, go into the 
parlor, and see that the velvet furniture is dusted, and the 
lace curtains hang gracefully, for I expect fashionable calls 
this afternoon.” 
he dream was interrupted. There came a real knock 
on the tangible door of her actual attic, and, a moment 
~ later, a veritable human-being stood in her presence. 
“To my eyes deceive me?” cried Lou Cra; “or is this 
3 surely Master Berkeley ? Iam so glad to see you, for you 
a (449) 





456.1 | 
FEEL TERE BPA AG. . 
were always good to the ones that nobody else was good to. 


MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


Take my seat. Don’t mind my standing, for it rests my 
rheumatism.” 

I refused the solitary chair, and noticing that Lou Cra ~ 
was somewhat embarrassed because she could not offer 
better accommodations, began at once on the business 
which had brought me. , 

‘‘Mrs. Cracraft,” said J,—the woman’s face became 
deeply suffused,— “I have taken the liberty to act as your — 
attorney. Many years ago, your only brother died, leaving 
a fortune to which you, as the only heir, were entitled.” 

“ Yes,” faltered the woman. 3 

“ And the property was stolen.” 

iY e8.7 

“Well, to condense the matter into few words,” said I, 
“Mrs. Solett, so-called, has heen made to acknowledge her 
crime, and every arrangement has been completed for imme- 
diately transferring to you the entire amount of which you 
were defrauded.” 

“Topsy,” cried Lou Cra, more than half believing that 
she was still in the beautiful home she had once occupied, 
“have my carriage ordered at once, aS urgent business_calls 
me to the city.” 

The poor woman was more than half ina sphere not of — 
earth, for the restoration of her rights had come too late, 
and the sudden news almost completely overpowered her 
shattered nerves, weary heart, and exhausted brain. 

% * * * * * * * 

A month passed. Lou Cra was dead, and her will was 
produced. 

All her estate was given to Charles Leslie, formerly 
known as Pelegon Jinny. 








_TIFE'S | CHANGES. aes 


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CHAPTER sxViIt. 
IGNIS FATUUS EMOTIONS. 


ZELIA WORDSWELL saw her wedding trousseau 
finished, and the day arrived when she was to be 
married. Yet she was in no Jubilant mood. In fact, 
nothing reconciled her to the step she was about to take, 
except that she was doing something which would please | 
her parents, and which she conceived to be in the line of 
her duty. That she was wronging love, and grossly violating 
the claims of womanly nature, she did not allow herself to — 
believe. | 
After all, it is no easy task to banish an ideal which has 
been one’s inspiration, life, and joy, throughout the glad- 
some years of youth. This is what Ozelia Wordswell was 
now trying to accomplish. , 
A slave was once required by his master to put to death 
an old pet dog thatyhad been the slave’s constant and most 
cherished companion. The animal looked upon the weapon 
which was to take his life, and appeared to plead for mercy 
at the hands of the unwilling executioner. The club fell 
heavily, but, instead of killing the creature outright, it 
seemed to endow him with greater life. Blow after blow 
was given in quick succession by the obedient servant, but 
his brute companion only cried in ever-increasing agony, 
till, at last, the grief-stricken man, seeing how vain were all 


(452) 





a eR ER et eee oan BAS a eth SS perf aE 
Pa arene sen yy ery” Names a Retin 2 ie 


-JGNIS FATUUS EMOTIONS. 453 


his efforts, and being unable to witness the terrible wrong 
he had inflicted on the innocent creature of his love, turned 


upon himself and sought relief by taking his own life. 


Thus there are those who have thought to crucify genuine 


- affection because they were slaves to some external author- 


ity, and how woful have been the consequences! 
Ozelia Wordswell was thoroughly conscientious. She 


might have erred in judgment, but in moral intention no 


angel of heaven could discover a single error. She sin- 
cerely believed that, although her heart could not accom- 


_ pany her hand, she was nevertheless under the most binding 


- obligations to marry Edwin Longworth. Did not duty 


impose the sacrifice of her own feelings? Duty to herself, 
because she had given Edwin the promise he had asked? 
Duty to him, because he had said so earnestly that he could 
not live unless she would be his darling wife? Duty to her 


parents, because they would not be reconciled to her own 


free choice; and duty to society, because of its demand that 


the judgment of those who gossip shall be respected ? 
She said to herself: “I will try to make the best of my 
eruel destiny. I will try to love him whom this day I am 


to marry.” 


This little word “try” is monstrously abused whenever 
employed in such connection. If the Almighty were driven 
to the necessity of trying to love us, it were better that we 
had never been born. 

Hverybody has a modicum of egotism: In this respect 
even Ozelia Wordswell was not an exception. Had it been 
otherwise, she might have surmised that perhaps, after all, 


‘Edwin Longworth might possibly manage, some way or 
_ other, to live without her. Such a possibility did not enter 
her mind. 


454 MY WIFE’S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


Now let us visit the young man himself, and ascertain of 
what stuff he is woven. It was the morning of the day 


appointed for his,wedding. He was pacing back and forth 
in his room, his mind in a very perturbed condition. He 
and his cousin Henry were fellow-lodgers in a fashionable 


hotel, and his cousin had been chosen to act as groomsman — 


at the nuptial ceremony. 


“Come, come!” he said to Edwin. “Cheer up! This is — 


no time for despondency. What is the matter, old boy? 


See here, now; you have been gazing at the carpet for the — 


last hour, and it isn’t a good day for carpets, either. I 
declare to Cupid, if you don’t forthwith change your mood, 
and brighten up and act as you ought to, I will go out there 
and marry that pretty girl, myself!” 


Edwin Longworth ceased walking, and looking his cousin 


full in the face, said, with solemn emphasis: 


“ Henry, if you would marry her, I should be the happiest 


man on earth.” 
COW Wat 122 

‘“‘T know it is outrageous for me to say it, but let me 
confide in you. I am a worthless, fickle, good-for-nothing 
creature. ‘There is absolutely nothing to me but my emo- 
tions, and they rule without check, because every check is 
of itself emotional. | 


“JT thought I loved Ozelia Wordswell with love so great : 


that the world could not begin to hold it. I not only told 


her so, but, day after day, assured her, what I then really 


felt, that I could n’t and would n’t exist without her. But 


alas! it proved to be nothing but that of which Schiller — 


says: ‘Oh, love! the beautiful and brief.’ : 
“Now, I need not. tell you of that young lady who recently 


came here on-a visit, from New York, took rooms at our 





- IGNIS FATUUS EMOTIONS. 455 


hotel, and remained an entire week. Do you not remember 
her?” 

“ What was her name?” asked Henry. 

“Why, Ella Marshall.” 

“Do you mean the lady you went riding with so often?” 

“ Certainly ; and you yourself took her to the opera,” 

“Ah! now that you speak of the opera my recollection 
begins to wake up. Did she wear embroidery, drapery, ruf- 
fling, puffing, pleating, braiding, tatting, —” 

“Hold, Henry! are you crazy? How do I know about 
all these fol-de-rols? I have not made a business of study- 
ing women’s elaborate wardrobe, as you seem to have done.” 

“But I want to identify the woman,” insisted Henry. 
«Did she have on ribbons, ruffs, cuffs, laces, velvets, whale- 
bones, bands, tuck-ups ?” 

“ Certainly she did,’ replied Edwin, impatiently. “ Why 
don’t you say that you know her, and have done with it ?” 

“ Because,” answered Henry, “I would not wish to make 
so rash a statement without being certain We both have ref- 
erence to the same person. I ask you seriously, did the 
woman of whom you speak wear a scarf, basque, sash —” 

“‘] tell you, Henry, I won’t listen to another word,” cried 
Edwin, greatly exasperated. 

“ Yes, you will,” answered Henry, laughing. “Ido know 
Ella Marshall. There now, you have listened to that! Let 
us make up and be friends, for I never in all my life loved 
you as J am loving you at this minute. Pray what can I do 
for you?” 

“T want a little advice,’ meekly responded Edwin. “In 
the short seven days during which Ella Marshall remained 
in this city my heart was turned inside out. In spite of 
every effort, my impulsiveness or unconquerable fickleness 








456 ~ MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


went through all my previous affections like a raging fire. : 


The consequence was I loved Ella Marshall as I never had 
and never could love anybody else in the world; and now, 3 
traitorous and wicked as I know I am, I cannot help it, I 


find myself longing for the Host and hand of Deautifal 


Ella.” 
“T fear,’ said Henry, “ you are one of Dryden's witnesses ! eee 
‘ All love mer be expelled by other love, as ee are by | 
poisons.’ . 
“Tt is not so,” replied Edwin. “Nothing could a i 
drive out the love I experience for Ella Marshall.” 9» « 
“ Probably not.”’ iS . 
“‘ Probably not, you say, but I can delat a sarcasm in your 
speech.” 
“No, Edwin, I mean ‘suet what I affirm. Nothing can — 
drive out your love for Ella Marshall. Why? Because it = 
will go out oe _ Love is never lasting which flames 
before it burns.’ | ae 
“ T tell you, Henry, I would die for her.” 
“ Indeed! Does she love you in return ?” | ee 
“Very likely; although she has not declared it, for the E | 
simple reason that I had no right to propose to her while as 
engaged to the other lady, whom I must marry this very 
day as a matter of honor.” | 
“Why do you not state the whole truth to as Wore 
well, and ask her to release you from your pa obli- 
gation ?” og 
“ For the reason that it would break her heart, and prob- ee 
ably hasten her death. She loves me with that all-absorb- o 
ing intensity which it would be perilous to molest. You see 
now what a wretched situation amin. What.am I to do es 
“ Really,” replied Henry, “there is nothing that can be 3 











IGNUS FATUUS EMOTIONS. 457 


advised except for you to carry out the programme and 


marry Miss Wordswell with as good grace as possible.” 

“ Hxactly ; but what a sacrifice! To give up Ella Mar- 
shall requires more heroism than to fall on the field of battle. 
Ella Marshall! Oh, Ella! and I must tear you from my 
heart of hearts, and then this day present that heart, all 
wounded and bleeding, at the altar of matrimony! Think 
of it! Is it not dreadful?” ; 

“Tt certainly is,’ answered his cousin, “but stern duty 
must be respected, and I rejoice that you have the cov”age 
to follow wherever it may lead.” 


CHAPTER: AV Iba 


JUSTICE AT LAST, 


AVING proved that the murdered school-master was 
Charles Leslie’s father, I found witnesses who could 
testify that they had heard John Hotchkick say that he 
would kill any man who should claim Pelegon and attempt 
to take him away. . 

Hotchkick being brought face to face with this fact, — 
emphatically denied that he had any knowledge or sus- 
picion that Herford Leshe was related to the boy. Notwith- 
standing this protest I had him arrested, charged with mur- 
der, and his house searched for evidences. 

To my great surprise, a paper was found, addressed to 
myself, which proved conclusively that Herford Leslie had 
identified his son, and that his own life was jeopardized in 
consequence. ; | 

Fearing that the worst might happen, he had undertaken 
to leave a record with me, but which, for a reason we may | 
too vividly surmise, he did not live to finish. 

The record, so far as it goes, is as follows: 

‘¢ DEAR BERKELEY: Do you remember your old friend, 
Herford Leslie, who used frequently to run into the office of 
the Farmer’s Guide in the days of its glory? Fora year, 
at least, I enjoyed your friendship, yet never told you my 

(458) 








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MRS. LESLIE SEARCHING FOR HER CHILD. 





JUSTICE AT LAST. 461 


: strange history, nor did you know what great grief weighed 
upon my heart. 

“7 had lost a living son. 

To-day I am convinced that I am in his presence. 

“T have not yet revealed this to him, as I must avoid 
madding his unprincipled guardian until the time comes 
that we can make good our escape. 

“J fear that Hotchkick already suspects my purpose, for 
he is keeping a close watch on all my actions. 

“Therefore, dear friend, permit me to make a note of the 
great sorrow of my life, and consign it to your kindly 
charge. . 

“T married a woman of transcendent quality. 

“Our only child, a bright, beautiful boy, full of promise, 
had been blessed with two joyful summers of existence ; 
and if any being was ever constantly worshiped, that being 
was little Charlie. Whatever we might apparently have 
been living for, or for whatever we- might seem to pray, our 
babe was the very inspiration of all our life, and prayer. ~ 

“Tt was in the month of August, when important business 
made it necessary for me to leave my family. Having to be 
away from them several weeks, my wife concluded to take 
the child, and visit her parents, staying with them during 

_my detention from home. 

“She never reached her destination. After many days, 
they found her wandering through the fields without a pur- 
pose, without consciousness, and starving. 

“Having some letters in her possession, she was easily 


identified, brought home, and J was sent for without delay. 


On my arrival, I was horror-stricken at her appearance. 
Judge of my surprise and grief when, instead of recognizing 
me, she shrank from my presence, and seemed frightened at 


462 MY WIFE'S FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 





my approach. I spoke and piéaded in the old endearing ray 
way to which she was accustomed, but all that I could do 
or say availed nothing. See : 
“Where was the baby boy? No one knew. Oh, how my oy 2 
heart was wrung with agony as I pictured the horrible death  —__ 
which he had probably suffered. I employed men to search 
through the country in every direction, but my precious dar Ges. 
ling they could not find, either dead or alive, and all that 
could be learned was that the mother, with her babe, had | 
taken the stage at Upton, paid her fare to Montville, and oe 
that when the stage arrived there at midnight, and the 
driver called out the name of the place, and opened the 
stage door to assist his passenger to alight, he was greatly — 
nonplused at finding the coach empty. He had stopped M 
two or three times during the journey, but had not known — Sa 3 
of his passenger’s departure. As it was a dark, cloudy 38 
night, he concluded that the woman must have decided 
to stop at the wayside inn while the horses were changed, 
and had done so unobserved by him. So the driver dismissed 
the subject without further thought. eee 
“From that time on, I could do nothing but travel about 


Einar 
potted 


the country making inquiries for my lost boy. There were 
many rumors afloat concerning lost children, and 1 wasled = 
3 : ‘ i : j 7 sti 
quite a busy life, journeying here and there to examine into — 
me )s 


cases which, at the last, could furnish me no satisfaction. 

‘“‘ In due time, by mere accident, it seemed, | met Louisa — — 
Cracraft—otherwise known as Lou Cra—and somehow, I A oe 
do not know how it came about, I was led to tell her the ie, : 
burden of my soul. = é 

“She persuaded me to come to Swampton, secure the — a 
school here, and make the acquaintance of a certain boy, _ 
who, as she said, somewhat resembled me in looks. ee 










- JUSTICE AT LAST. 463 


a “So I thought when I first met him in the home of John 
-_. Hotchkick. | eS 
“Tou Cra urged me to claim him at once. But how 
_ could I? True, I felt in my heart that he was mine. But where 
- was the proof ? It would have availed me nothing to pro- 
ae _ duce the predictions of this woman whom the world was 
2 laughing at. To haye done so would have wronged the 
aon child, rather than to have benefited him. 
_-—s- “ However, the sympathy of my fatherly soul went out to 
_ ___— him, and, béfore I knew it, he had taken possession of the 
i “great vacancy in my affections.. In trying to make him 
. ae happy, I found what I had supposed was hopelessly lost— 





my own happiness. It became my constant delight to study 
his welfare, encourage his every effort, and watch his pro- 





pee STESS. | 

Poe “ But this day all doubt is forever set aside. A letter was 
a _ placed in my hands by an entire stranger — by the way, that 
____ letter has mysteriously disappeared, and I fear it has fallen 
* into the hands of Hotchkick. Yes, here he comes with it.” 
Z Herford Leslie had written his last word. The abrupt 
: ending was painfully significant. It was more; for, with 
e other circumstantial evidence which I was able to gather, it 
resulted in the conviction of John Hotchkick for murder in 


_ the first degree, and in his final confession of the crime. 
28 





CHAPTER XIX. 
A GRAND CONCLUSION. 


EVEREND PAUL MURRAY came to take the place 





of Parson Drowthers. An elegant church was ~~ 


reared, and-the parish experienced a healthful revival of 


religion. ‘The new minister was the delight of both old and 


young, being a perfect treasury of goodness, a full mine of 
thought, and a whole world of practical wisdom combined. 


He taught that spirit is more than language, character than — 


profession, and life than creed, while his own good works 
were what some one has described as “ visible rhetoric.” 
Mr. Wordswell’s parlors had been decorated with flowers, 
the bridal altar had been prepared. Edwin Longworth and 
Ozelia, in an adjoining room, stood side by side, expecting 


every moment to be summoned to appear before the Rev. — 


Paul Murray, to receive the rite which should make them 
man and wife. | 
The appointed time having fully arrived, the guests were 
impatient for bride and groom to present themselves. 
Some one knocked at the outside door, and the announce- 
ment was made that a stranger was there who desired to 


see the clergyman on important business. Mr. Murray 


answered the call, and closed the door behind him. 


“What keeps him so long?” was the anxious inquiry 


which soon began to arise in every breast. 


(464) 








~~ A GRAND CONCLUSION. 465 


Ten minutes, —it seemed an age,—and then he returned. 
A keen observer might have discovered a serious, troubled 
expression upon his countenance, which had not been there 
when he left the room. However, no one had the boldness 
_ to question him, nor was there any opportunity ; for he imme- 
diately announced that all was now in readiness for the cere 
mony. Bride and groom were apprised of the fact, and in 
a moment more they and the attendants took their proper 
places around the altar. The groom was grand in appear 
ance, although exquisitely modest, while the bride: 

‘Oh! She hasa beauty which, might ensnare 


A conqueror’s soul, and make him leave his crown 
At random, to be scuffled for by slaves.” 


‘¢Mark her majestic fabric: she’s a temple 
Sacred by birth, and built by hands divine; 
Her soul’s the Deity that lodges there; 

Nor is the pile unworthy of the God.” 

In and of herself Ozelia was always superior to her adorn- 
ments. Nevertheless, she was feeling very sad on this 
impressive occasion. Her smile was shaded with a touch 
of something,—something which made it all the more fas- 
- cinating to others, although to her it meant anxiety and a 
troubled spirit. 

“ Usually,” said the clergyman, who was now standing 
directly in front of the bridal pair, “ marriage ceremonies 
are quite too brief. The consequences which they involve 
are so momentous, that the most deliberate consideration 
should characterize their every detail. 

“Feeling a great responsibility resting upon myself as the 
officiating clergyman, you must pardon me for not wishing 
to celebrate your marriage until I have prayerfully and 
earnestly given you all the warning and admonition which 
the good Father has placed in my heart. 

















cannot Xe ‘made or foo by any decision of State or a 
Church; that no minister of the Gospel has power to create 
it, and that where pure and undivided love does not exist 
on either side, the Marriage ceremony is. nothing but. ee 
wicked farce, out of which there grows ofttimes a ghastly 
record of sin and crime. _ : ; 

“You must remember that no PARES S is ants to marry 
one person to another, for all that he can possibly do is to 
declare a marriage which he believes exists. In case he. a 
does not so believe, how can he justify his conscience eae: 


ees it? Therefore it is my ty duty, first, to 


“ With perfect truthfulness of eae: there must always b be : 


> 
wre 






matrimonial ne one jot or - tittle more chen is in you 
bestow. If aes of you eo any beset of ae 










A GRAND CONCLUSION. == 467 


you man and wife. For me thus to proclaim, and for you 


to acquiesce, would constitute a sin against. humanity and 
ae yourselves; against suffering earth and pitying Heaven, a 
most cruel and far-reaching sin, of which I cannot believe 
; _ you would be guilty. 


“ Better no marriage, better the innocent death of one or 


both, than that you should be wedded by letter and not by 


spirit. Nothing but unutterable woe can ever come of such 


honk , 7 
deception. Beware, then, what answers you make at this 


hour, for upon you as well as upon me there rests a respon- 


‘sibility which the angels of God have given into our charge.” 


The minister now offered a prayer full of holy fervency, 
petitioning High Heaven to grant strength, courage, and 
grace to those before him, that they might be able to speak 
with entire truthfulness, while pledging themselves to each 
other, trusting in the righteousness of God to shield them 
in truth’s service, for truth’s sake. 

By this time, so affected were all persons present, that 
tears flowed freely from eyes both aged and youthful. Mr. 
and Mrs. Wordswell especially were deeply agitated. 

Then came the question to the groom, spoken with an 
impressiveness so funereal that it seemed almost as though 
earth with all its trivial scenes had passed away. 

“ Edwin Longworth, wilt thou have this woman to be thy 


wedded wife, to live together after God’s ordinance in the 


holy estate of matrimony? Wilt thou love, honor, and 


~ cherish her, through health and sickness, through fortune 


and misfortune, or through whatever experience may betide, 
and wilt thou now and here solemnly, heartily, and consci- 
entiously affirm in the presence of Almighty God and these 


witnesses, that your affection is in no Mas improperly 
divided or reserved ?”’ 


468 MY WIFE’S - FOOL OF A HUSBAND. 


The groom, white as death, looked steadily downward and 
was speechless. 


After an embarrassing pause the clergyman continued in — 


the same carefully measured, deliberate tones: 
“‘Qzelia Wordswell, wilt thou have this man to be thy 


wedded husband, to live together after God’s ordinance, in 


the holy estate of matrimony, and forsaking every other, as 
long as you both shall live, wilt thou love, honor, and cherish 
him through all the joys and sorrows, fortunes and misfor- 
tunes, which a wise Providence may visit upon you? And 
wilt thou now and here affirm in the presence of both heay- 
enly and earthly witnesses, that the affection you owe to 
this man is shared by no one else, and wilt thou ask the 
recording angel thus to write your answer on the page of 
eternal truth ?” 

“T cannot!” exclaimed the lady. ‘ May God have mercy 
on me, but my entire love has been given to another.” __ 

“Noble and courageous woman!” responded the clergy- 
man. ‘Then turning to the company, he added, “ My good 


friends, you will now see the propriety of my announcing 


that the services we came here to perform are indefinitely 
postponed.” 

“ Why had you not told me that you loved another,” 
inquired Edwin, whispering to Ozelia. 

‘OQ Edwin! Can you ever forgive me? I was afraid of 
the effect my confession would have upon you.” 

“ And because I felt sure it would be the death of you,” 
answered Edwin, “I feared to inform you that, in the last 
few weeks, my own foolish heart has been captivated by a 
\ lady from New York.” 

“Indeed!” exclaimed Ozelia. “I am quite indignant at 


myself for having been so silly as to suppose that you cared — 





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A GRAND CONCLUSION. ee 469° 
anything for me. I am glad, however, for your sake, as 
well as my own, that you are so easily reconciled to the fact 
of my not wanting you.”’ | 

“And, to tell the truth,” said Edwin, “I am equally 
angry at my own folly for ever having believed that it was 
impossible for you to be devoted to any one but myself.” 

““We have both done wrong,” answered Ozelia, “and now 
let us both do right by promising to be as we once were,— 
simply friends.” 

“An excellent suggestion,” replied Edwin, “although I 
am afraid you will never consent to go nutting with me 
again, especially if we must come through a deserted picnic- 
ground where there are spiders.” 

Ozelia blushed as she turned away, but meeting the cler- 
gyman, thus addressed him: 

“Your marriage ceremony, sir, appears to be strikingly 
original. Do you always make it so exceedingly affecting ?” 

““No, Miss Wordswell, I do not.” 

“How, then, did you happen to make our case such a 
notable exception?” 

‘7 will explain,’ answered the clergyman. “Just before 
we were ready to begin the service, a gentleman called me 
to the door, and begged me not to consummate the proposed 
nuptials without fully satisfying myself that the affection 
between the contracting parties was all that could be desired. 
When I insisted on his giving me a reason for his strange 
caution, he assured me that his own adopted son was 
devotedly loved by the bride.” 

“There must be some mistake!” exclaimed Ozelia. “Can 
you give me the name of your visitor.” 

_ “Here is his card.” 
The lady took it, and read aloud: 






















eal name is Charles Leslie he being the: son of the Ye Inte m 
: school-master.’ PE fe eh ie a4 oe a ok i A 


eiexeth. stone his cousin Heinys | “«Orelia fae 


‘soon be married to her own Charles, while <E shall | Ne 
supremely happy with my dear Ella.” eS hae 


3 ~ a aet 
“To whom do you refer?” inquired Henry, a assuming an 


ph en 


innocent air. 
“Miss Ella Marshall. None other than the New York 

belle whom I was telling you about this morning.” 
“Yes, yes. I remember,” replied Henry. 

one little item which you appear to have ove riookeae » ae = 
“What is that?” - 3 Se 
“Ella Marshall is engaged.” _ 
“Kngaged ! Engaged, did you say ?” 
HY eg | 
“To whom?” 


“To myself. "2 : vee pe é 


“Henry, are you deceiving me! 0” 
“ Oertainly not. ‘The lady and I have been ongaged ft for ¢ 2; 2 
year, and will be married next Thursday.” eee oe 
 « on : am ae biggest idiot in the world, oe answere ed 


no wife at all. 4 








A GRAND CONCLUSION. gat 471 


“ ‘Which, quite likely, is a very proper fate,’ responded 
Henry. “ Fickle men who allow their temporary emotions 


‘and suddenly-born impulses to control all their actions, 
would make very uncertain husbands, and therefore should 


‘remain single.” 


“Tell me,” said, Ozelia, grasping my hand in hers, « what: 
do you mean by calling yourself the adopted father of 
‘Pete’ ?”~ 

“QO,” said I, “that is what wenamed him when he was 
brought to our house in New York. We kept him about a 
year, when he was stolen from us.” 

“ How do you know he is the same person ?” 

“T have been corresponding with my agent in Denver. 
He has seen Huntgill, who confesses that he left Mr. Leslie’s 
child with the editor of the Farmer's Guide, who, at that 
time—as Huntgill learned from a rival newspaper—was 
keeping a Little Wanderers’ Home. It is a long story, my 


dear, and when you come to be my adopted daughter-in-law 


it will be one of my first duties as well as agreat pleasure — 
to take an afternoon for it and recite to you in detail the 


task which was performed in unraveling theskein of Pele- 


gon’sidentity. That you will beinterested Ihave no doubt; 
the many hardships, dangers and trials endured by us in 
pursuit of our object, makes a fascinating story ; while the 
inhuman rascality unearthed and proved to have been 
practiced upon Pelegon during the long years of his be- 


ing keptunder thecloud,is simply astounding. Have pa- 


tS 


tience and youshall hear all in good time.” 

Only a few weeks intervened when Charles Leslie and 
Ozelia Wordswell, both radiant with the bright prospects 
before them and a knowledge that out of the darkness 


te which had so long surrounded them, they were now com- 






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pleasant game for their children. 

ay ‘ Rev. W. L. GAGE, Pastor Pearl SH. Church, HantrorD, Cr, 


I think that the Geographical Game ‘‘ Rambles Through Our Country,” is well worth the 
‘money asked for it. It mustif carried out as the author intended be very instruetive to any 

_ @hild pursuing the study of Geography. 
Se yh HENRY WHITTEMORE, Sup’t of Schools, WzsTBORO, Mass, 


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Dear Sir:—I have examined the new game, ‘‘ Rambles Through Our Country,” and tind 
it both entertaining and instructive. My boys are delighted in it, especially the ‘‘ geographer” 
- who is enthusiastic overit. In playing it, one becomes acquainted with the location, popula- 
tion, and commerce of our leading cities; and with the resources of our country in general. 
 t serves as an excellent amusement, and at the same time as an excellent review in 
geography. Yours truly, 
ee WM. WHEELER, Principal of Public School, Ottawa, Kansas. 
__ Ihave examined and tested with a group of young people the geographical game called 
“Rambles Through Our Country.” It seems to me to secure to a remarkable degree the 
- object aimed at, viz., to combine pleasure with instruction and profit. Itis in fact a seriag 
of object lessons, as diversified as the country over which the ‘‘ Rambles” are made, and the 
_ children find just enough of chance and excitement in the throws of the teetotum to keep up 
- # healthful glow and interest in the journey. I trust it will have a wide circulation. 
rete JAMES T. ALLEN. Eng. and Classical School, WEst NEwTon, Mass. 


5 I have examined a parlor game entitled ‘‘ Rambles Through Our Country ’’ and find it to 
_ be true to geographic principles and figures. It is most emphatically an instructor and will 
_ teach many useful lessons during the long winter evenings. Those who play this game will 
- aequire much valuable imformation. 

aes M. R. SPENCER, Principal of School, SHmRBURNB, N. Y. 


Having examined the game ‘‘Rambles Through Our Country,” we prononnce it one of 
_ the best things we have ever seen to aid in the teaching of Geography, and we think it might 
be made the life of each recitation of that study. 
“date es A. hk. SEARLES, ) Wr 

A. M.BRARLES (Teachers, WETHER, Maze. 


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